Friday, November 30, 2007

I'm it.

My first official tagging has occurred. Brooke actually tagged me several days ago, but I've been so wrapped in myself I just hadn't gotten to it.

Here we go.

8 Random Things about me.

1. My mom left when I was 2, and I was essentially raised alone by my father. He did remarry for a few years when I was young, but she was bat-shit crazy (no, seriously. She made Cinderella's step-mother look kind.) so it was really just us. My mom called when I was like 27, but turns out she was a wee bit crazy, too (though not nearly as bad as the stepmonster) so that didn't last long. I did managed to meet my half brother because of that, though. He's a nice guy.

2. I was tongue tied until my early twenties. It's a medical condition where a person's tongue attaches in the wrong spot in their mouth. The little flappy thingy under your tongue? Mine attached to the gums under my teeth. Apparently it's fairly common, usually is not attached the whole way but just a little bit in the front and is corrected (snip-snip) shortly after birth. Mine was completely attached. When I finally had it fixed, my dentist said he'd never seen one that attached before. Apparently my mother didn't want them to hurt me when I was little, so it was never done. It didn't affect my speech or anything, so it was no big deal. I just couldn't stick my tongue out. As a (sexually active) adult, that was a little annoying, so I had it fixed. Yes. It hurt. (I wonder if I'd have been a boy if she wouldn't have let them circumsize me?)

3. I met my husband online. Just in a random chatroom. I had dated boys from online before and had given it up. Too many fruit-loops out there. I was talking to him a long time. A mutual friend kept pushing me to go out with him. I kept insisting I was done with internet men. Then he asked me out & I said yes. 5 1/2 years later- here we are.

4. I can NOT sew. Not even a button. It's embarrassing. It seems simple enough, but for whatever reason, I can not get stuff to stay on. David does all our mending. Anything more complicated gets fixed by my MIL. Usually I just opt to buy something new. I can crochet, I'm fairly crafty, but sewing- Nope.

5. I make things leak. I know you think I'm exaggerating, but it's true. I have issues with water. Every car I've ever owned (except this one- YET) has had problems with the windshield washers. Either the lines break, or the wipers are possessed. Pipes in my house break. Even containers of liquid explode. It's like a weird mod-squad power. My best friend laughs at me. One time she was over and water started pouring out from under the sink. (A pipe screw thing had come loose.) He response was "Gee, I'm so surprised YOU have something LEAKING." One of the big reasons I built a new house was to not have to deal with crappy pipes. Within three months, my water basement was leaking (yes, they fixed it.)

6. If I wasn't married to a much more reasonable man, I'd have a whole house full of animals. I know you're thinking that I already do- 3 cats & a dog is plenty, but it would be worse. I'd have at least another dog. I've always been like this. As a little kid, I couldn't see anything hurt. I once got bit by a goose. My grandma chased it off with a broom and I sobbed for her not to hurt it.

7. My boobs are two different sizes. Like- drastically different. It's gotten worse after each of my pregnancies. Currently ol' right is in the neighborhood of a DD, and lefty is more like a G. This makes bra shopping difficult. Right now, I'm splitting the difference and wearing a DDD. But lefty is spilling over a good bit.

8. I really want to be a massage therapist. It was what I wanted to do when I was still in school, but no one took me seriously. My dad paid for most of my college (what wasn't covered in grants etc) and wouldn't pay for MT school, so I ended up with THREE associates degrees. It's a long story how it ended up that way, and the 3rd was actually an accident. (Literally- when I applied for graduation, the registrar called & asked me if I knew I had enough credits for a 3rd degree and asked if I wanted it. I, of course, said yes.) In our dream world, we have a couple of babies, and when they're old enough to be in school, I'm going back to school to be a MT. I can then work part time & still be home for the kids.

That enough about me?

I sure hope so!

Now.. Who to tag?!

Baby Steps
Will They Have His Eyes?
Tryin' in 2007
Yoda's Mistress

To these people-
Make a post with 8 random things about yourself. Theoretically, you're then supposed to tag 8 more people, but I gotta say, that's a lotta work! Perhaps you could tag a few.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

14dpo & counting

I don't know what the hell is going on. I have now peed on $40 worth of sticks. They all concur that I am NOT pregnant.

Where is my period?

I have a consistent 13 day LP. I should have started yesterday. Not so much as a pink spot.

I know I ovulated. Not only did we trigger with Ovidrel, my progesterone was over 20.

My biggest fear this morning is that I was pregnant but my level so low that I'm doomed to miscarry again. I don't think I'm pregnant. I use FRERs. That would measure an hcg of 20.

I guess I'll call the doctor in the morning.

I am so frustrated!

--Trish, the girl with the fucked up body.

**updated about 10 seconds after I posted this. Okay, maybe more like an hour, but still.***
AF is here. I actually said "FINALLY!" aloud in the bathroom. Funny how 5 years ago I wouldn't have even noticed.

Monday, November 26, 2007

IUI#5 12 dpo BFN

An unsurprising, yet exceptionally disappointing BFN this morning.


Nothing to report

Let's have a Mind Fetus symptom check.

Okay. That was fun. Seriously, I can't remember a less symptomatic cycle in the last 2+ years. My boobs don't even hurt. That's unheard of even for a non-medicated cycle.

Perhaps it's my body's way of saying "You let us down with that 500,000 motile sperm. Why should we even bother?"

I plan to POAS in the morning. Not because I have the faintest inkling that it might be positive. I've just decided that I'm testing every 12dpo so that when I DO get pregnant again I can judge if I had a positive or negative at 12dpo and if my beta started out better than it did the 1st two times now that my giant septum is gone.

Not that it matters, it's just one of those curiosity things.

I haven't been in a good place emotionally. All of this is really weighing on me. It's also breeding resentment in my marriage.

I feel like I'm bearing the brunt of everything. It's not just fertility stuff, but that's the most important part.

His sperm count is so low it's ridiculous. There are very, very few things he can do to improve that, and even those, he seems unwilling to do. He SAYS he will, but he doesn't. He hasn't done anything to try to lose weight. Nothing.

I am the one who takes the pills & shots, makes the appointments, gets the dildo cam, has a catheter rammed up into my uterus one a month.

He's expected to lose some weight- at least not gain- and show up once a month & have an orgasm.

I realize jerking off into a cup in the midst of a noisy hospital setting isn't ideal. I can't imagine trying to have an orgasm in those surroundings. But in the grand scheme of things, well, call me a bitch, but give me a break.

I'm just really frustrated. I know losing weight isn't easy. I've been struggling for my whole life. But it almost seems like he's doing things just to spite me. It's a family tradition to get pizza from the best pizza place in the world before T-day & Christmas.

David and I had dinner before we drove to my family's place- a full dinner- a dinner in which he ate his entire meal & a good portion of mine. When we got to my family's place, he proceeded to eat no less than 5 pieces of pizza. After 3, I closed the box. My subtle way of saying "enough." He opened the box and took another. I closed the box again. He took yet another.

I don't want to be a nag. I don't. If someone commented on my portion control, I would probably come unglued. But his issues directly affect our outcomes. I don't know how he can look me in the eye knowing he's doing nothing to help us.

I'm doing what I can. Tonight I made a lighter dinner and purposely made leftovers. I packaged them individually so that he can heat them up easily. I haven't said anything to him since the IUI. The box-closing is the closest I've come. I don't want to make him defensive, but I honestly don't know what else to do.

Because of this, I've decided to go ahead and cycle in December. We had discussed not trying so that we could give him time to make some changes & hopefully see improvement. Since that clearly isn't going to happen, all I can do is cross my fingers that we get a good batch next month. And if we don't, we may just have to move on to IVF w/ICSI.

I don't want to. I really don't. But I don't know that we may have a choice. 500,000 motile sperm just isn't going to get us anywhere. Yes, I know there are people who have had miracles. My RE's nurse told me that her secretary conceived under such circumstances. But realistically, we all know it's seriously unlikely.

I'm just trying to embrace my path.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Random burst of anger.

Insomnia continues (story of my life.)

In my quest to entertain my brain, I wandered through a message board, saw a ticker for someone's baby who is about the same age my first should be and my brain said "OH FUCK YOU."

So rational.

I'm going to go lay in bed & try to calm my adrenaline.


Monday, November 19, 2007

MIL blues

Consider yourselves warned. This is a very long rant about my MIL. While it does discuss infertility as it relates to how she deals with it, it's really just a daughter-in-law bitching about her mother-in-law. Feel free to skip it.

I don't know how to deal with my mother-in-law.

I really don't.

She is a good person. She really is. I like her a lot. We've always gotten along well. In the years before David and I decided to get married, she was very vocal about wanting us to get married. We shop, we talk, we hang out.

That being said, we're really not the same sort of people. I'm a little loud. I cuss too much. I say what's on my mind- good or bad. I'm affectionate, but hot tempered. I've been known to slam doors & scream when discussing politics with my husband. (Let's just say we're on opposite sides of the aisle.) I'm a woman of extremes, I suppose. David has mellowed me a bit, as has age, but overall, I'm one with my Irish ancestry.

My MIL is quiet. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's meek, but that wouldn't be that far off. When David's father was still alive, she was the woman who asked him who to vote for on election day. She'll hug, but it's a nervous, half-hug to say good-bye. I can't think of the last time I heard anyone in their family say "I love you." They don't discuss things. Ever. Particularly anything that is remotely controversial or upsetting.

My MIL and I started having some tension during wedding planning. As I mentioned, she was quite vocal about her desire to see us married. The moment we were engaged, she all but disappeared. I was honestly surprised. She seemed the type who would want to be involved. Not at all. From a conversation that happened much later I learned that she thought having a wedding was...... wasteful, I guess. Basically, when I mentioned the headache of wedding planning she sort of gave me an eyeroll and said "Well, you wanted to have one." When I explained that no, actually, I didn't want a wedding- David did- she was surprised. David was there & confirmed that yes- he was the one who insisted on a full ceremony. I wanted to elope. You could see a change come over her instantly. She was suddenly sorry she hadn't helped. I guess it's okay for her son to be wasteful- I don't know.

In any case, I carry a little resentment from that. I did everything I possibly could to accomodate their family (which was about 75% of the guest list.) but she never wanted to do anything to help.

I know I should let it go, but there it is anyway.

When we started trying to have a baby, we didn't tell anyone. Both my MIL & my father had both been clamoring for grandchildren for some time. (About a month before we announced our engagement, my father famously announced "why don't you have a baby? You don't have to get married or anything.") We told everyone we were going to wait a year. We were buying time.

When we were originally diagnosed with fertility issues, I suggested we tell them. Not in great detail, just that we were trying, we were having trouble & we'd appreciate it if they'd be patient. We'd let them know when there was good news.

David's grand plan was to leave out the "trouble" part and just tell them we were trying. I thought that was a bad idea because it would only encourage them to ask how things were going MORE, not less.

We ended up going with something a little closer to my plan. (Surprise, surprise!) My dad took it well. He said he suspected as much because there seemed to be a lot of references to the doctor lately. (As it happened, we were actually going to the chiropractor a lot, but either way, he was right.) He pretty much wished us luck and didn't add any pressure.

My MIL was all but silent. Her commentary was more along the lines of "what is wrong with you?" When I explained that my ovulation is a little weak, but responding well, but that David's sperm left a little to be desired, her exact words were "Well, I just can't BELIEVE that. We couldn't keep from getting pregnant." (Both David & his brother were conceived while trying-to-avoid.)

I gently reminded her that actually, David's dad had a number of problems in the area. That they were actually told they wouldn't be able to conceive after the boys were already born. (MIL's tubes were already tied at that point, it didn't really matter.) And pointed out that it wasn't a genetic problem. His father's fertility has nothing to do with his. She had nothing to say to that.

Since then, she's made several comments about my uterus, my ovaries, my fertility etc. Every time, I point out to her that I'm not the only one with problems. I don't think I'm being overly sensitive. I really think she "blames" me. I honestly don't think that she is trying to be mean. I don't think she is aware of how her words come off at all. That's really the only reason I haven't given her a big Bitch Trish speech. I know she means well.

When we got pregnant last time, we called to tell her. Her first comment was "Is this baby........... do you know........if this one will make it?" Not "Oh congrats!" or anything. The first thing out of her mouth was that. I was stunned. I told her that there was no way to know that. She then asked if I was far enough along that it was likely. We said no, we'd only just found out. Apparently she expected us to keep it from her until we were further along. That seemed odd to me. If it was my kid, I'd want to know- good or bad.

After we lost the 2nd baby, David made the comment that next time we got pregnant, we weren't telling ANYONE. I told him that I guessed we'd not even tell his mom since she didn't seem to want to know. He said she just doesn't want to get excited & then be let down. (I will keep my snarky comments to myself about that.)

She didn't call to ask how I was after either miscarriage. She's never mentioned either baby at all, actually. She's actually made comments in passing that start with "When you ever get pregnant..." and I've had to respond, "I've BEEN pregnant. A couple of times now, actually." She just says that I know what she means. Yes, I do. It means she likes to pretend they never happened.

Just a few weeks ago, I mentioned something about having been off of work for a while in August. She asked why. I told her it was because I'd had a miscarriage. (In that- perhaps you've forgotten that my baby died- tone of voice.) She said "well, yes, but I didn't know you'd been off of work." I explained that since I was bleeding non-stop for more than 4 weeks, had 2 doses of medicine that should have caused me a lot more bleeding & pain but didn't work, and eventually had to have surgery- Yes.. I'd been off of work.

She said "Oh. I didn't know it was like that."

Well, no, you wouldn't. You've never bothered to ask. I just said "Yes. It was quite awful. Though none of that compared to actually having lost the baby." I've tried to stress to her a number of times that it's upsetting because she just doesn't seem to get it.

Anyway, my point being that I thought we weren't tell her anything about our trying anymore. It was David's decision, though a complete relief to me.

So when my MIL called earlier and said "Did you guys get through your stuff this week." I assumed she meant the flu. Turned out she didn't know anything about the flu. David had told her we were having an IUI.

I was totally unprepared for the conversation. She explained that she didn't know about the flu (and was appropriately concerned about that) but meant our "in vitro stuff." (Yes, I have explained a thousand times what the differences are. I can't help but wonder how many people think we're doing IVF because she can't get it straight.) I was surprised she'd even brought it up. The questions that ensued just left me floored.

I tried to dodge the questions by discussing the flu. She wasn't to be deterred. She asked if David's being sick affected our stuff. I said that it might have. She asked if David's "stuff" was okay. I said no, not really. She said "well, I'm sure being sick made it hard for him to do.........that." (My MIL talking about masturbation is so funny it was almost worth the uncomfortableness of the sitution.) I said that me managed. She asked if the numbers were okay (where did THIS come from!?) and I said no, not really. She asked if being sick is the reason why.

Now, this woman never asks any questions. I tried to avoid the questions & change the subject about 100 times. She just kept plugging away. So finally I said "I'm sure it didn't help. Being sick leads to white blood cells which aren't good for the swimmers. But he didn't have many to start with, which isn't related to being sick. The sperm were made more than 2 months ago, so that's unrelated. But yes, being sick probably contributed to the fact that only 20% of them were moving." She said "OH! I didn't know that!" (About the 2 months thing.) I gave her a mini lesson on sperm production. Then she asked why his count was so bad.

By this time David was sitting next to me, and I was even more uncomfortable. I told her that it might be related to his weight, it relates to his hormones etc. She seemed to accept that and then asked if that could be improved. I said we were working on it. I didn't know what the plan was. She was nice & supportive about how we had time to work on it etc.

Can anyone explain to me what happened to my MIL? I just never know what to expect. As I said, I think she IS well intentioned. But they are just a family that does not discuss stuff. I try to remember that when I'm feeling like she doesn't care or insenstive. I know she does care, she just doesn't deal well with emotional stuff. But then she goes and throws me for a loop tonight. Did someone call her up and tell her to shape up?

I don't get it. Ordinarily, I much prefer the supportive & involved MIL, but since we'd discussed not telling her we're pregnant, if she's intimately aware of our cycling, that's going to be sort of difficult to keep from her.

And, btw, nice of my husband to let me know he'd told her all of this. Jackass. Nothing like a little communication in the marriage.

Anyway, that's enough ranting about my MIL for the night. I must try to sleep.


Friday, November 16, 2007


I apologize for the delay. I actually have half a blog post written from Monday. In the midst of writing it, my Internet crashed & was down for a day and a half. (The impression I got from the cable company was that it was a large cable failure/cut.)

Then both David & I managed to contract the plague (aka: the flu.)

It's been a heck of a week. And those are just the good parts.

Monday, I had my follicle scan. Lefty had 2 big 'uns. 22 & 24mm. Righty gave it the ol' college try with 3 ~12mm. The only lazy ass was my uterus. My lining was only 5mm. She won me an estrogen patch. I triggered that night at 8pm.

Wednesday sucked. David had gotten sick Tuesday night. He drove home from his conference & wasn't home 20 minutes before he started throwing up. We had to be up at 6 to be to the doctor's office by 7:30. He was up sick several times during the night, and I was up listening to him.

We got there & David went to do his business. He left as soon as he was done so that he could drive back to the conference.

I knew it was bad when they lead me into a conference room instead of an exam room. 2.5 million with 20% motility. They asked if I wanted to go forward. I didn't have much of a choice. We had to try.

After she delivered the news to me and I decided to go forward, she left me alone for a few minutes to set up a room. I called David to tell him. We ended up arguing. His grand solution was "well, we'll try again next month."

That really wasn't what I wanted to hear at that moment. I told him that I wasn't sure that was the best idea. If his count is so bad, there doesn't seem to be much point in putting me through the swollen ovaries etc. I told him that we needed to make some changes to try to improve his count & then move forward. He's put on a lot of weight the last few months & it shows in his sperm count. Well, that made him defensive.

He ended up saying "I did all of this for YOU." The words cut me in two. I couldn't believe he'd said it. And I said as much. I told him that I didn't realize that I was the only one who wanted to have a baby. Then I told him I had to go & hung up. That was pretty much when the sobbing began.

He called back a few minutes later & apologized. He reassured me that he wants to have a baby, too. But he can only do so much. I told him that that wasn't enough. I've tried to get him to get his weight under control & he doesn't listen. His actions have a very direct affect on our lives. If he isn't willing to do anything about it, then IVF is our only option. I think that woke him up.

About then, it was time for the probing. The insemination itself wasn't too bad. The catheter hurt a bit going in. I described it for David that it was a little like having your teeth scraped at the dentist - not painful, but terribly uncomfortable. Fortunately it was over quickly.

The emotional part didn't go so quickly. I cried through pretty much the whole thing. Poor Good Nurse Crystal. She literally wiped my tears & tried to calm me down. Of course, the nicer she was to me, the harder I cried. I finally told her that. She left then. Poor thing. She deserves a medal, she really does. So much for the doctor describing me as "stoic."

As I was leaving, David called again. This time he was a man on a mission. "How much weight do you think I can safely lose in a month?" I told him not more than 10 pounds. So that's what he's decided. He has a goal & he will meet it. I guess the hurt feelings had waned by then.

I wish mine had. I went immediately to acupuncture. More crying. I walked in and she asked how it went. I said "Not well." and the tears started again. Again, she was super nice to me. There's a special place in heaven for the people who have to deal with weepy infertiles.

I finally calmed down a few minutes into acupuncture. It was a good hour & then I came home & took a long nap. I took a few hours off of work & just slept.

As the day wore on, I started feeling ill. I ended the day puking my guts out. David had given me his plague.

Yeah, yesterday was a fine, fine day.

But it's over. It's funny that I spent more than an hour sobbing yesterday and am totally fine today. I guess I got it out. So this month is a bust. (And yes, it's a bust. 500,000 motile sperm is a bust. And we can't even have sex to augment that because David was out of town.)

I don't know what to do about next month. Theoretically the count could have been even worse because he was sick. White blood cells are bad for the swimmers. But I do believe it's related to his hormone levels which is related to his weight. Even if he does manage to lose 10 pounds between now & next month, it won't show in his sperm yet.

My acupuncturist recommended some supplements to try to help, as well. For anyone interested:

to improve testosterone levels- ginseng
motility-a chinese herb called shan zhu yu
amino acids to assist in cellular replication and increase counts-L-arginine and L-carnitine(also improves motility)

I think I'll wait and see how I feel in a week or so before deciding about next month.

I did officially change RE's again. I went back to my first RE- Dr. Keller. Not that I didn't like Dr. M. But no one will ever beat Dr. K. So that's good, at least.

Anyway, that's how things stand now. Yesterday sucked. Today is better. That's about the best I can hope for... improvement.


Saturday, November 10, 2007

The A word

It's 6am and I haven't slept yet.
I had too much caffeine last night. As a chronic insomniac, I wish I could just give it up altogether. It's a vicious cycle. I don't sleep, so I need caffeine to keep me going. Then I'm too wired to sleep.

I guess since I wasn't going crazy enough, I thought I'd add fuel to the fire.

I have been sitting here doing some research on adoption.

Adoption is a scary word to me for a lot of reasons.

When we decided to have a baby, I wasn't just excited about the notion of being a mother. I mean, I most certainly was, but that wasn't the only thing. I loved the idea of being pregnant. I've always envied women and their pregnant bellies. The way they lay a protective hand on their bellies. The sound of a woman talking to her unborn baby has always moved me to tears- even long before my own was a reasonable desire.

And there is breastfeeding. I've always wanted to experience the joy of nourishing my baby that way. Even the actual delivery has always seemed romantic to me. When other people are making jokes about crossing their legs when someone mentions an episiotomy, I shrug and think "totally worth it." It never scared me. Not even a little.

I was lucky enough to be present for the birth of a friend's baby several years ago. It was gruesome, but amazing. Her doctor kept trying to gross me out with the gore. He seemed disappointed when I was less-than-horrified.

Lest you think I'm unaware of the downside, don't worry- I know. Nausea, pain, body changes that blow your mind, I'm aware.

I wanted it all - joy & misery.

And I still do. But now when I think of pregnancy, my mind doesn't go straight to the idea of a big belly & kicks to the ribs. I think about ultrasounds with no heartbeats. The idea of actually being pregnant makes my stomach tighten into knots with fear.

Pregnancy has truly lost its luster for me. Now, I absolutely would love to experience a successful one. But I'm far too aware of how often that just isn't what happens.

But as scary as the idea of losing another baby is, adoption still scares me more.

I have absolutely zero hesitation about raising a baby that isn't biologically mine and/or David's. If the doctors told me tomorrow that they could implant an embryo in me and it would 100% take, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Or hand me a baby and say it's mine? Totally for it.

It's the process that scares me. I'm a fairly confident person, but the notion of being rejected over and over again by a prospective parent terrifies me. So much that just typing those words brought tears to my eyes. I worry about everything. What if we're too old? What if we're too fat? What if we don't make enough money? What if no one likes us?

There are practical concerns about money as well. We are fortunate to have infertility coverage through our insurance, so it hasn't cost a lot so far. But adoption is extremely expensive. How in the world would we ever come up with the money? Mortgage the house? What if we do all of that and then no one picks us?

And then there are the home visits & interviews. It's all perfectly reasonable. Of course they need to make sure we're decent human beings before they let us have a baby. But I think about my crazy ass family. I can only imagine the things they'd say if they were interviewed.

What if they ask about my childhood? It was certainly less-than-ideal. It resembles more of a lifetime movie-of-the-week than a real story, but it's mine none-the-less. Will they think I'm doomed to parent the way that I was? I'm quite certain that I'm not (or we wouldn't be trying for a baby at all) but they don't know that.

Basically, if I have to write down our life on paper- would it measure up?

Yeah. It's pretty much my biggest fear. Ever.

So, being the OCD queen that I am, I thought I'd do some research. I really didn't find much that I didn't already know. But I did manage to stumble across a site with prospective parent's profiles.

Holy shit, that sucked. They all seemed great. Greater than me, for sure. Many, many tears later, I decided to shut it down. I wasn't making myself feel better at all.
Quite the opposite, actually.

So. Here I am at 6am with all this nonsense milling around in my head.

Maybe it's all moot. Perhaps I'm currently 10 days pregnant (How's that for positive thinking?!) with a baby that will stick. Being me, however, I can't help but think of the future if that's not the case.

Adoption is an option. Eventually. Maybe. For now, it's just this scary notion that I'm not sure we can handle. Of course, I didn't think we could handle infertility or miscarriage either, but here we are.

Anyway, I think the Clomid is working. I'm hot, tired & bloated. My right ovary was a little pissy for a while, but ol' lefty seems to be taking over as usual.

Follie scan on Monday. We'll see what they say.

Off to try for sleep.


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Crappy day

Today was a shitty day.

There were lots of things going on, but I think my emotions were complicated by a) a lack of sleep b) a migraine from hell and c) artificial hormones.

When my period started last week & I sat everything up, I told David that my follie scan was on the 12th & we would likely IUI on Wednesday the 14th.

He nodded and seemed to be listening.

This morning I get a casual email from him (from work) saying "I did tell you that I'm going to be out of town the middle of next week, right?"

Well, of course, I freaked out. I've already started the Clomid, so if we can't IUI, I'm wasting a month of swollen ovaries, hot flashes & general discomfort. If he would have told me about the conference before I started the pills, we would have just taken the month off.

I was SO angry.

It turns out to be okay. The conference he is attending is about 2 hours away. He'll miss a few hours on Wednesday morning, but his boss is okay with it.

David just started this job in July and he's been off for a couple of pregnancy/miscarriage appointments, my D&C, my polyp surgery & now this. I feel like a huge pain in the ass.

I spent a good portion of the day feeling like a burden. I know in my head that he's not scheduling around "my" issues. He's scheduling around "our" issues. But because it comes down to my body, I feel guilty.

When he'd talked to his bosses and worked it out, he emailed me with the details. The last line read So let's just get pregnant this time and stay pregnant. Then everything is smooth sailing for nine months, right?

So filled with hope. I, of course, cried.

We talked early in the evening and I told him I felt like such a burden. He sighed and replied something like, "Well, we just have to what we have to do." That did not help. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me, but it did. It felt like he'd just said "yes, you are, but that's what are life is, so we deal with it." All I wanted to hear was "You are not a burden. We'll get through this together. I love you."

Funny how I didn't even know that guilt was lurking in there. POW! Infertility lands another punch. I feel guilty. I'm broken. He's broken, too, but we've figured out how to get pregnant. We can overcome his issues. But we work all this time to get pregnant and I can't seem to have a baby. Guilt.

Tonight we spoke again. He asked how I was doing and I told him my pity party was coming to an end. He seemed surprised, "Pity party? Why are you having a pity party?"

I explained that I just felt like a pain in the ass, like a burden, and really unappreciated. Again, he seemed surprised, "Well, I appreciate you!" I replied "Well, you don't seem to listen when I talk."

He finally apologized then. He told me he'd completely forgotten about the conference. The words made me feel better. Mostly because he actually sounded sorry.

When I came home, he met me at the door and we held each other a long time.

The night was good. But the day- it sucked.


Saturday, November 3, 2007

Back in the Game

Well, I'm back on the TTC train.

I had my post-op appointment went Dr. M on Monday. It was, indeed, a giant polyp. She said it was about as wide & long as the first two knuckles of her index finger. So, approximately 2" long and 1/2" wide. It actually seems crazy to me there was something that big in there. It's gone now, so that's good.

A picture, for your viewing pleasure.

She said they're normally pink, but mine was white. She doesn't know why. It was large & odd enough that she thought it was possible leftover tissue from my last pregnancy, but the tests disagreed. Just a giant polyp.

I thought momentarily that she was going to make us wait another while to try again. She said we should wait a bit, but knew we wanted to get back to it. I said it had been 3 months since my miscarriage & she glanced at my chart and said "Oh, then we're okay."

I left with three scripts. Metformin ER, (Oh my god, it's so much better than regular Metformin that I seriously can't even believe it's the same drug. My GI tract is SO thankful.) Clomid & a Z-pack. The antibiotic is just precautionary. She had previously explained that some women carry a bit of infection in their uterus and aren't aware of it, so we'd do a round just to be certain that wasn't an issue.

I started spotting on Wednesday night, full fledged period on Thursday. That was sort of a relief, because my last two periods, I spotted for a good 3 days before my period, which isn't normal for me. I was glad to see something in the neighborhood of normal again.

I'm now set up for a follie scan for CD12. I assume I'll be ready to go that day, will trigger that night & IUI on Wednesday the 14th.

I'm nervous. I've had 5 rounds of Clomid now. My progesterone has been very good every time, but the last one was a lot lower.

Clomid Cycle 1- Progesterone: 27
Cycle 2- Progesterone: 34 (1st pregnancy)
Cycle 3- Progesterone: 25
Cycle 4- Progesterone: 24
Cycle 5- Progesterone: 15 (2nd pregnancy)

I realize that 15 is a good number. But to see it drop so much worried me even before I found out I was pregnant. Plus it was tested twice during my pregnancy and never went up. It was 15 both times. I just worry that my body isn't doing what it's supposed to.

So, I'm interested to see what happens this month. If it'll be higher like the first 4 cycles, or even lower.

I've decided I don't even care if I get pregnant this cycle because I'm so concerned about the progesterone stuff that I want to see what happens. My doctor is in the camp that believes that low progesterone levels are a symptom of a bad pregnancy, not a cause. Personally, I'd rather err on the side of caution & be supplemented.

I would appreciate anyone's insight on this. Particularly those of you who may have had a progesterone issue & then a successful pregnancy.

I actually feel pretty good about cycling again. Of course, the thought of actually being pregnant again makes me feel like vomiting. That's funny, considering I don't tend to do that when I actually AM pregnant. Morning sickness- no. Nervous condition- absolutely.

I did very well last pregnancy. I wasn't eaten up with worry the way I was the 1st time. Not that either thing lead to any different outcome. But I was a bit more relaxed last time. I can already tell this time I'll be sick with worry again.

I'm praying a lot for God to take it from me. I'm working to really surrender it to Him. But it still comes and goes. And the more realistically I think about actually being pregnant again, the more it comes.

But, what can I do? Keep moving forward. Focus on the task at hand. This is the time that I most relate to Martha Stewart's daughter. When she said on Oprah that she was doing THIS right now - that she was treating it like a job - that's how I feel. Right now, I focus on getting pregnant. When that happens, I'll focus on staying that way.

For now, this is enough.