Friday, March 28, 2008

Still crazy, still okay

The baby is fine.

The doctor was kind. I'm very glad that I made the OB change when I did.

I started with the ultrasound. The baby was moving a bit. She said the heart rate was around 135, which is significantly lower than what I normally find, but the doctor insists it's fine to fluctuate that much. Amniotic fluid is good. Placenta is high and well attached. I asked how the baby was laying - head up, face forward.

I then saw the doctor. I ended up bawling that I feel like a fruit loop. She checked my cervix. She said it's very, very thick and tightly closed. Everything looks fine. She encouraged me to take some Lexapro. I refused. If I weren't pregnant and feeling this nutty, I'd do it in a minute. But I'm not willing to risk the baby. She offered me a referral to a counselor, which I took.

I asked about 100 paranoid questions. How to tell if my fluid was leaking, if I had a placental abruption, preterm labor etc. She answered them all, but added that there is nothing I can do to keep any of those things from happening if they're going to. I told her that I understand that, but I'm looking for ways to reason with myself when I'm paranoid.

I spent most of the afternoon feeling better, though there is a bit of anxiety creeping in again tonight. I know it's not rational so I'm trying to keep myself distracted. But so far, so good.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

16w6d: Boob & Baby

I saw the breast surgeon today.
The appointment was so-so. I was the first appointment of the day and still had to wait almost an hour. Apparently she was stuck at the hospital. Fortunately my nurse was really sweet.
The doctor finally came in, asked me why I was there, then did a complete breast exam. She finished and basically said "Well, we need to remove it." Surgery. I was really hoping they could aspirate it, but she said because it doesn't show on the ultrasound, that isn't an option.

They're supposed to call tomorrow to schedule. From there I'll talk to anesthesia about what I can have. She said they normally do twilight and she thinks there is something safe for the baby, but if all else failed, they could do a local with no risk to the baby. I told her I'd rather be in pain than affect the baby. She said she'd make me be in pain before she'd risk the baby, so that's something.

She was pleasant enough but seemed rushed. I'm guessing because she was so late. I got all my questions answered, though, so it was fine. She doesn't think it's serious- probably a fibroid adenoma. But normally that would show on an u/s so she doesn't know for sure. She just wants it gone now because either leaving it or doing a surgery later gets complicated with milk issues.

So that's that. It's coming out. I feel mixed about it. I'm glad it's going, but I worry about the surgery affecting the baby.

In other news, I've had a bit more spotting. Not exactly earth-shattering, I know. But I've been SO anxious the last few days and it just wasn't what I needed.

The dizzy spells on Sunday, the migraine the last two days, the lack of pregnancy symptoms and then the last 2 days the baby has been SUPER low when I listen with the Doppler. I mean, the microphone was literally butted up against my pelvic bone to hear the heartbeat. That has me thinking all sorts of crazy things. I did a poll on my success after a loss message board and got a lot of reassurances, but I'm SO paranoid. All of those things have combined to just make me a wreck. (Oh, and I won't even get into the dream about going into labor at 20 weeks.)

I think I've decided it's not just normal anxiety. I think my anxiety disorder is in full force. I've been to the point of trembling hands, nervous stomach and extreme cold (which I get when I'm FREAKED) the last 2 days.

So I called the doctor. The message I left was that I'd had more spotting, and some cramping. Nothing worse than it's been, and not at the same time, but that I'm extremely anxious and could really use some reassurance and/or advice.

When the nurse called me back, as soon as she introduced herself I said "Do you think I'm nuts? I'm so sorry." She was so sweet. She didn't make me feel stupid at all. She talked to me for a few minutes and the conclusion was that I was to go home, put my feet up, drink lots of fluids and try to chill out. And I'm to go in tomorrow at 11 for an u/s and to see the doctor. If everything looks okay then, I just have to accept that I'm one of those women who is going to spot my entire pregnancy. Lucky me.

Just her calling helped me a lot. I did come home and stayed in bed all day. I watched a couple of movies, took a nap and played on the laptop. My nerves are a lot better. I'm worried about tomorrow a little, but I'm looking forward to being able to address some of my concerns/questions. I'm just going to lay it on the line about how batshit crazy I've been feeling. We'll see what they have to say.

If you're in the praying mood, pray for good news tomorrow and for calm for my nerves.


P.S. There was a question about root beer from my previous blog. For anyone interested, Barq's root beer is caffeinated.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Another day survived

After having felt like shit all day yesterday, today was the complete opposite.
I woke up and thought "Hmm, my bladder doesn't hurt." Then I just knew that when I stood up, it'd get me. I had to go, yes, but nothing serious. Odd.

My pelvis didn't hurt. My hip didn't pop. My boobs haven't hurt in 3 days. How odd.

I was feeling pretty good. I told myself "won't need the Doppler today!"

As the day wore on and I just really felt normal, I freaked out. Normal? Normal!? I'm 4 months pregnant, I shouldn't feel normal! Then I gave myself the whole lecture about people feeling good in the 2nd trimester. Just because I hadn't yet experienced that doesn't mean I shouldn't be now. But yeah, I find it it's a lot easier to believe the bad stuff.

Of course, I then developed a full on migraine at work and spent my time trying to decide if I was in more head pain or more worried. (I decided it was more head pain. It REALLY hurt.) I even took some Tylenol. (Yes, I know it's allowed, but I really try not to take ANYthing.) I took an early lunch and laid down. I considered going home sick, but we don't have real sick days at my job. If I left, I'd have to apply for FMLA and I can just see my OB laughing at me when I say I need FMLA for a flippin' headache.

Anyway, after the day FINALLY ended, I came home and went directly to lay down grabbing my Doppler on the way.

Now, I should add that I have been sort of, maybe (I think possibly) feeling the baby for the last couple of days. A couple of times today I felt a small tap low and to the left.

I laid down and readied the Doppler and then said out loud "Now listen, just let me have a quick listen. Don't hide, and it'll be over quick." I put the microphone on the spot where I felt what I think are taps and turned the machine on. WOOSH-WOOSH-WOOSH-WOOSH. 158 bpm. I smiled. Thanks kiddo. I then heard a good kick to the microphone and the baby was gone. I really don't understand how they can hide so well. It's not like there are caves in there. Where do they go? I searched again for a couple of minutes to no avail and then decided that I promised it would be quick so I should stop. I was reassured.

Then I slept for a while hoping to cure my headache. No luck. Tonight I got up, took 2 more Tylenol and drank half a glass of coke. That's the first caffeine I've had in many months. (Well, I accidentally drank a caffeinated Root Beer about a month ago, but other than that.) I took a long steamy shower and I finally seem to have made a dent in the head pain. I feel kind of guilty about the Coke but I really couldn't function. I figure I got a max of about 30mg of caffeine, though. I'm being ridiculous, I know. But surely by now you all have figured out how paranoid I am.

My boobs are a *little* tender tonight so at least that's something on the pregnancy front. It's funny how reassuring that is to me. Again- yes. I'm insane. I know.

Anyway, I guess on the good front- baby is fine. On the exciting front- I'm almost sure now that I'm feeling the baby move. I mean, I thought I was feeling something and that "something" had a heartbeat. That must mean something. (How many times can I say "something"??)

Now that the feeling that my brains might rupture out of my left temple has ended, I'm calling this another successful day. As is any day that ends with a heart beat and no padded room.


Sunday, March 23, 2008


All's well that ends well, but I have to say that today was not a banner day in pregnancy.

After my not-so-minor panic last night, today just sent me into the tubes.

We hosted Easter lunch today. My dad and his girlfriend, MIL & BIL all coming here.

I got up at 9 to put the ham in the oven. I got the ham in the pan and started adding mace when I started to feel... odd. I don't know if I would exactly call it lightheaded, but my head got heavy, and I started to feel weak. I want to sit down a minute. I'm not much of a morning person and having had less than 5 hours of sleep, it wasn't surprising. I felt better, so I got back up and started again.

Before I could finish with the cloves, it hit me again. I grabbed a bottle of water and headed for the couch. I decided maybe I was a little dehydrated and just needed some water and a time out. I sat for 20 minutes or so and drank a bottle of water. I felt better.

Got up and went again. Before I could finish the pineapples, it hit me again. This time, before I could sit again, the nausea hit me, too. I didn't throw up, just gagged, but man I felt like crap.

After I got the ham in the oven I went back to bed and laid on my left side, hoping whatever was going on would pass. Of course, I fell back asleep. I didn't wake up until after 11. The guests were all expected at noon, with lunch scheduled at 1.

So of course, I woke up in a panic and rushed around getting eggs on to boil for deviled eggs, potatoes on to boil for mashed potatoes etc etc. After the world's quickest shower, the guests started to arrive. I was doing okay, just feeling worn out until dinner was almost ready. I was making gravy and the feeling hit me again. i asked someone to take over the gravy stirring and headed for the couch. Of course, everyone looked at me panicked. My dad's g/f said I didn't look so well. She said that I was flushed and wanted to know if my blood pressure had been okay. (It has been.)

I was fine as soon as I sat down again. I sat for a few, then got back up and finished lunch. Then we ate. Everyone insisted on helping clean up (the women putting stuff away, David did the dishes.) and since I really didn't feel that great, I didn't really fight them on it.

After everyone left, I went straight back to bed. David followed me and I got the Doppler out. He didn't really understand why I wanted to check, but he went along with it.

I looked and looked and looked. Nothing. More panic. I got up and went to the bathroom (sometimes it helps) and looked and looked again. Nothing. Then all of a sudden I realized the Doppler had stopped making the usual scratchy sounds so I checked for my own heartbeat at my neck- nothing. The battery had worn down. So I had to charge it a while.

A half hour later, I tried again. It still took a while. It was even harder because MY heart rate was about 120bpm. I kept hearing my own and thinking it was too fast for mine, but too slow for the baby and then freaked out that the baby's heart rate had dropped a LOT. When I'm not sure, I always feel my pulse in my neck and compare- sure enough 120 was me. But FINALLY I found it. It was hidden behind my own heartbeat. I had to push in and turn to the side a bit to get it. And if I eased up a bit, I'd just get my own. As it was, I got a lot of blending of the two. I couldn't get the Doppler to give me a heart rate count so I counted it out myself. Right at 160. My blood pressure dropped 100 points. I took some deep breaths and told myself I was fine and needed to chill.

As I said, all's well that ends well, but seriously. The kid scared the crap out of me today.

Other than my body and baby trying to drive me to a padded room, the day was actually quite nice. It was cold. It flippin' SNOWED today, but the sun peaked in and out a bit. And the family was really on good behavior.

My dad's girlfriend can sometimes be a little bit high strung, but she was very well behaved today and helpful to me when I wasn't feeling well w/o being at all annoying. BIL brought the Satan dog but as soon as they came in the door I evicted both dogs. (Lest you think I sent them out to the snow, they had the finished/heated sun room, finished garage with a doggy door to the backyard. They were fine.)

There was only one food catastrophe. I was trying to make gravy and take up food at the same time and managed to ruin the first batch. Fortunately I had more. It was during the stirring of the 2nd batch that I had to go sit down again. If I hadn't ruined the first, I probably would have been fine.

It was actually quite nice to have both our families together. We almost always have to choose one or the other. But today we were all together. It was nice.

I also said my first "public" prayer over dinner today. I pray on my own a lot but have always been uncomfortable leading a prayer. I asked David to bless the meal, he asked his mom to and she said no. David started to say we should skip it, but my dad's girlfriend said "someone really should." It surprised me because she's not normally the person piping up about religion. Mostly out of irritation, I said I'd do it. It was short and sweet, but I said it and didn't feel too weird. Afterward everyone said Amen and my dad's girlfriend commented that "we all should really do that more." Again, pleasant surprise. They were all so pleasant today. It was lovely, really.

I spent the rest of the day pretty much in bed. I finished the 6th Harry Potter book (and bawled, even though I knew what was coming) and plan to hit the bookstore to get #7 tomorrow. I've felt totally fine, though I don't know if I'm actually better or if the fact that I haven't been on the feet for more than 10 minutes at a time has me lulled into a false sense of security.

But for now- everything is fine.

Happy Easter, everyone.


The list grows

After two days of really irritating anxiety, I woke up this morning feeling calm and positive. I listened to the heartbeat with the Doppler (160ish, as usual) and started my day with a smile.

We mostly cleaned the house and generally got ready for Easter. My BIL's b-day was Thursday and my MIL is in town, staying with him. But they're both coming to Easter lunch tomorrow, along with my dad. And maybe my dad's girlfriend, but I never got a real answer about that. We'll have plenty of food either way, but it would be nice if people understood that I do like to plan for my guests, but whatever.

Tonight we met my MIL and BIL for dinner down near him. (He lives about a half hour south of the city.) The evening was pleasant enough, with lots of baby talk that made me a little uncomfortable, but nothing bad. Just my own insecurities at play.

We went back to my BIL's to visit for a while (and eat cake!) That would have been fine except that his dog is quite ill behaved. I was sitting in a recliner and she kept leaping onto me. (Mind you, this is a 40+ pound Basset Hound) I instinctively shot my hands out to protect my tummy every time. My BIL's reaction was to chuckle and said "Better be careful, that belly will kick back." After a couple rounds of that, I said loudly "NO. It WON'T. But *I* will be very upset." The room went quiet. I suppose it was inappropriate but for heaven's sakes, it's not as though this pregnancy has gone off w/o complication, nevermind my history. If I'm not supposed to lift over 25 pounds, I think that essentially being punched in the gut by a 45 pound dog is probably not well-advised.

On top of that, I had a weird nipple thing earlier. As I got undressed to shower, my nipples (naturally) hardened a bit. Leftie felt a little weird, so I looked and it looked sort of pale. I went to the mirror, and it was like the whole top half of my aereola was thickened and white. Sort of like a raised rash, but a lack of color instead of reddened. My husband was sitting nearby, so of course, he got the standard "HEY.. Look at this." Now, normally he's blind. He sees nothing, hears nothing. But even from where he was (15' away or so) he agreed it looked funny.

Of course, I started poking and feeling around. It just felt exceptionally hard (but the bottom half was normal) and lumpy. David's response was to shrug and say "I guess that's pregnancy." At that point I decided that since I'm seeing the breast surgeon on Wednesday for my lump, I'd just go with it.

I showered and checked again when I got out. The raised bumpy/lumpy part was better, but I still have this white patch. As I expected my nipples to get darker, not lighter, it did make me worry.

So those things combined sort of killed my Zen.

Tonight I decided to have another listen to the heart beat just to reassure myself. I found it almost immediately, but the heart rate was more like 170 instead of the 160 that it's been for at least the last month. I realize it's only 10bpm difference, but as 160 is already rather high, and well, because I'm ME, I worry.

I googled. I really do know better. Everything seems to say that 120-160 is normal. Well, great. I'm outside that. Google has lots of scary words like "tachycardia" but almost all references to it involve labor, not 2nd trimester pregnancy. So now what? It's almost 4am on a Saturday night. And if I called the doctor they'd probably think I was nuts even if it was business hours.

I know- check again tomorrow. But wonderful. I've now added ANOTHER item to my list of things I can obsess about. I'm insane. I know.

Is it September yet?


Friday, March 21, 2008


Today was my 16w appointment.
I really like my new OB. I'm so thrilled I switched.
After the weigh in (up 1 lb since last appointment, putting me at a net loss of 5 pounds for the pregnancy) and the cup peeing (normal) I was lead to a room.

The nurse got the Doppler. It took her a minute to find it. Fortunately, I didn't freak. I had listened at home last night and was prepared for it to take a minute. She reassured me right away that if she couldn't find it, the doctor would try again. A few seconds later, it was found. As usual, heart rate in the 160s.

From there, the doctor came in and we talked a bit. It was really rather uneventful. I told her about the spotting incident last week. i wasn't sure if she'd do another ultrasound or not. She didn't. I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. But I was okay. She wants me to come back in two weeks vs the usual four because of the spotting.

We discussed my back pain. (Not a complaint, just an observation. When I got up this morning I literally couldn't get my right leg to work. It was like my right hip was "stuck.") She recommended a massage or a chiropractor.

She wrote an order for my big u/s and an AFP screening. I don't need the full quad screen because of the NT scan. She's sending me back to the perinatal center for the big u/s. I will call and schedule it tomorrow. It will be done in 2-4 weeks. I'm hoping for more like 2. We'll see what I can get.

Then I was done and on my way.

Usually after a doctor's appointment I feel relieved. Today I didn't. I don't know if it's the disappointment of no ultrasound (I know I've been spoiled. Believe me.) or what, exactly. But I've had that bad feeling all day. No spotting, no cramping or anything. Hell, I actually threw up tonight. (That's a really funny story I'll tell tomorrow.) But I still couldn't shake the bad feeling.

I came home and used my Doppler and listened again but it still didn't seem to shake off the feeling of doom. Maybe I'm just overtired. I haven't had even remotely enough sleep in 2 days and it seems I'm getting a cold. I'm off tomorrow so I can sleep in. Hopefully that improves my disposition.

I annoy myself with my inability to be positive. I do catch myself feeling somewhat hopeful occasionally. Thinking about when the baby is here. But when I do catch it, I actually talk myself out of it. It seems like the minute I think things are going well, something comes along to knock it out of me. I think I've been socialized into always preparing for the worst and never even bothering to hope for the best. It's annoying. But it's me, I suppose.

I am who I am.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Two years

As of midnight, it's officially our second anniversary. It seems insane to me that it's been two years. It seems like last week that I saw his face as he saw me coming down the aisle. We hadn't seen each other before that moment. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

It's been a long and eventful two years. I had gone off birth control even before we were married. I wasn't having periods anyway, so it seemed pointless. We were willing to "risk it." My first period returned on our honeymoon. (How many times have I told you that AF is a bitch?) A few short weeks later, we decided we were going to actually TRY to conceive. We were together for 4 years before we got married. It seemed like forever. It was just the beginning.

Here were are two years, two miscarriages and what so far seems to be a successful pregnancy later. Nevermind, more doctors appointments that I could ever begin to count, or the mood swings, sorrows & yes- even joys. We still love each other. Infertility hasn't killed us yet.

We have no real plans for the day. Our trip to Myrtle Beach last week was our celebration. It was lovely. We played mini-golf, we sailed, we ate disgusting amounts of fantastic food. We layed in our condo next to each other and read in silence- each of us just enjoying have the other near.

It's been a crazy two years, but in spite of it all, I still adore him. And I think he's fairly fond of me. Here's to several more decades.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Same ol' same ol'

I am so sick of spotting.

I was hoping it had stopped. I hadn't seen anything in 9 days. I got hopeful. You'd think I'd know better by now.

We're on vacation in Myrtle Beach. Granted, the last 2 days we've done a lot of walking around (and practically running through an airport because it seems to be the only way my husband can get through an airport - despite my insistence that we had more than an hour to go 20 gates), we played mini-golf on a course that involved lots of steps. I've had to lift my suitcase (weighed at the airport at 44 lbs) a couple of times. None of this is advisable. But it's also nothing that a NORMAL pregnant woman shouldn't be able to do.

I just went to the bathroom, did my check- nothing. Then actually went and wiped and glanced down- lo & behold- bright pink on the paper. Just a few little spots. I freak out (of course) and check again- nothing. Check again, hold the paper- nothing.

I come out of the bathroom and look aghast. David looks at me funny. I said "I'm spotting again."

Fortunately I packed the Doppler. 164 beats per minutes. I heard a kick or two in there as well. The baby even had the decency to move closer to the microphone just as I started counting. Nice and loud.



I'm 15 weeks pregnant today, enjoying a vacation in one of our favorite places with my very favorite person in the world, less than a week from our second anniversary and here I am, terrified again.

I'M SO SICK OF IT! I just want to enjoy my pregnancy. I just want to feel safe. I just want to be a mom, damn it.


Monday, March 10, 2008


I've done some housekeeping on the blog.

I added a ticker of sorts. I feel no small amount of anxiety about it. I can't exactly explain why. I have tickers on a couple of message boards I play on. I was anxious when I put those up, too. Maybe it's the dread of having to take them down if something bad happens. All I know is that I really wish I could grab the Doppler and have a listen right now. The husband is sleeping and it's both loud & abrasive when searching, so I will wait until tomorrow.

I also moved a whole bunch of people from "In The Trenches" to "Life after IF/Loss." Those are moves I enjoy making. And there are three or four more pregnant bloggers that I'm waiting until the 2nd trimester. Not because it doesn't count, but I just know how nervous it made me when people put me on the expectant/success lists.

In addition, I added a bunch of blogs to the the Trenches list. I wish there weren't so many. My IF specializing acupuncturist once told me "I'd love to be out of a job. I'd treat headaches." I'd love for the trenches to empty. Damn infertility. And fuck miscarriage.

I updated the tagline under my title. I removed "newlywed" and added "pregnant." Our 2nd wedding anniversary is next week. And however nervous it makes me to say it out loud, I am expecting. There it is. If I have to undo that, it's going to seriously piss me off. But it's there. For now.

In other news, Tuesday was EDD for pregnancy #2. I kept trying to pretend I didn't know it was coming. But it keeps popping up. I'm on vacation this week and trying to ignore the calendar, but I occasionally freak out and wonder what the date is, afraid that I've missed it.

I feel sad, of course. But also anxious. The day before EDD #1, we were on our way to the hospital for D&C #2. I'd really like to make it past EDD#2 whilst still pregnant with a live baby #3. It's a milestone I didn't know I'd set, but it is on my mind. So there it is. May that history never repeat itself.


Friday, March 7, 2008


It's been an eventful week.

Tuesday night I had a horrible dream that the lab called with my NT results and wouldn't give them to me because they were too bad to give over the phone. I screamed & cried & cussed. I woke up and was surprisingly undisturbed by it. I mean, I thought "well, that sucked." but fairly easily dismissed it as my brain playing games with me.

As I laid there not being paranoid, I focused on how crappy I felt- stretchy, achy & uncomfortable. I decided if the baby was growing so much as to make me feel that way, maybe I'd give the Doppler another try. I lubed myself up and gave it a shot. It took maybe 5 minutes but I found it. The grin that spread over my face would have put the Cheshire Cat to shame. Chalk one up for the fat girl. Success at 13w6d.

I began my day with a spring in my step.

That afternoon my desk phone rang and it was the hospital calling with my NT scan workup. I actually wasn't expecting the call until at least Thursday, possibly Friday, so I was surprised. Of course, my mind quickly reverted back to the dream I'd had the night before and I did have a brief flash of "oh shit." But the woman on the phone seemed awfully cheerful, so it was only a flash.

The numbers:

Risk of downs based on my age: 1:538
Risk of downs based on NT work up: 1: 9,274

Risk of Trisomy 13/18 based on my age: 1:987
Risk of Trisomy 13/18 based on NT work up: 1: 19,721

That sound? My heart beating again. Phew! It was a good day to be sure.

This morning (Thursday) was my next doctor appointment. More correctly, an appointment with the nurse practitioner. It was mostly intended to be a paperwork appointment. I had to bring in some information from my insurance, get some test results, go over some options etc. That was all fine. My husband was relieved to know I don't have HIV, gonorrhea or syphilis.

After the business was done, the NP broke out the Doppler and started looking. Almost immediately, we heard the beautiful swoosh-swoosh-swoosh, and then just as almost immediately, it was gone again. She looked again and managed to catch the sound of a kick, but still no heartbeat. After a few minutes, she got a very brief glimpse again. Honestly, it was enough to please me. Clearly the baby was still alive.

I, of course, told her about the continued spotting. She wanted to talk to the doctor. She came back and told me that the doctor wanted another ultrasound. Who am I to deny their desire? She checked with the u/s tech to see if she could fit me in and after a 5 minute wait, I was on a table & ready to go, awaiting my sixth u/s of this pregnancy.

So we got another look at the wee one. Everything looked good. She took some measurements and said they looked good. She told me the heartbeat was in the 130s even though the NP had said both brief glimpses of the heart she got with the Doppler were in the 160's. The u/s tech was moving pretty quickly, so I wonder if she maybe didn't click the right spot to count the measurements. (It's a testament to how many of these I've had that I know how it's measured on the machine.) I admit that I wish I had questioned it and had her double check, but I was so enamored of my little one on the screen that I forgot to be paranoid for a minute.

She checked for any source of blood- nada. I wasn't surprised. I asked the sonographer who did my NT scan last week if she could see anything and she couldn't either. Since she was looking for a long time, I figured if it was going to show, it would have been then.

Anyway, she printed a few pictures for me. (They're really quite fuzzy so I'm not sure I'll bother posting them. The most amazing part to me about them is how clear & large the placenta now is.)

I met again briefly with the NP. General rest & continued pelvic rest - story of my life. I made my next OB appointment (2 weeks- this time with the actual OB) and was on my way.

I was glad to have seen her today. I spent most of the morning feeling extremely crampy. If I hadn't gotten a good listen & look, I would have been pretty stressed out. Even tonight I've got that odd period-about-to-start feeling. Not crampy, just odd. I understand that it's normal, so I talk myself out of the paranoia but it still lingers.

Speaking of paranoia, my MIL called tonight. She was going on and on about the baby and being excited and such and I could actually feel my anxiety level rising. I wish it wasn't that way. I feel like I have to constantly calm people down. I stop short of actually saying "Don't be excited. Bad things could still happen." but I really do think it. I mostly find myself saying "well, I'm still pretty paranoid.." but usually I just get rewarded with comments like "Oh, you're going to be fine! You're going to have a baby!" and other comments that mostly make me feel like my feelings are invalid & dismissed.

I told another friend tonight. She's nowhere near the point in life where she's thinking about kids, but it was funny that she totally had the right response. The usual "congrats." "I'm excited." and when I said "Yeah, we are too. I'm still pretty much scared shitless, but we're hopeful." instead of brushing off my concerns, she said "Well, of course, you're going to be scared. You'll be scared until the baby gets here, I'm sure." I almost started crying. I thanked her for having such a great response and not telling me I was stupid for being worried. It always amazes me when ANYONE gets it- and particularly from a (presumable) fertile.

So, life continues. 14 weeks down. 8,368 to go. Or something like that.


Monday, March 3, 2008

My first 2nd trimester

Why can't I just relax? Maybe it's years of fighting the words "just relax." I don't know. But I still can't chill out. I'm 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. Second trimester. Uncharted waters. The baby looked wonderful and healthy & fabulous just a mere 4 days ago. Yet I'm still paranoid about every cramp & twinge. I'm still anxiously checking my underwear for signs of pink (none in 2 days.) I'm still sort of mentally preparing myself for bad news at my next appointment or when they call with the results from the NT scan & workup.

I'm irritated with myself. I want to just be joyous & glowing & excited.

I don't want to sweat profusely when I tell people I'm pregnant. That's exactly what happened when I came out at work. I started small - few closer friends. Then I bit the bullet and went to tell the older women who were all at lunch at the same time. There was screaming. There was hugging. There was crying. There was......... belly rubbing. I wasn't quite prepared for the belly rubbing. They snuck it in while hugging. I had no chance to dodge.

A woman in my office who beat infertility & miscarriage (one shortly after her husband was rendered paralyzed from the chest down after a car accident) came to find me when she heard. I very nearly collapsed into sobs when I saw the look on her face. She's not even someone I'm close to at all. Really, we've had words a time or two. But a mutual friend happened to ask me about babies one day in front of her and I gave her the whole story. That's when she shared hers. What a look of understanding when we saw each other on Friday. I'm choked up just thinking about it.

I got back to my desk and realized I was drenched in sweat. I mean total deodorant failure. Shit! Panic. Dozens of people know. People starting IMing me from within the office. The news was travelling fast. It's official, if this all goes to hell, there are now 60 people in my office who will need to be untold. Holy. Shit.

There were questions, of course. Everyone wanting to know how I feel, if I've been sick, when I'm due, will I find out the sex? I kept trying to figure out how to give the least amount of info as possible. I'm not sure why, exactly. But all the talking about it just lead to more sweating.

Yesterday we had plans with friends. They were in from out of town. We had a nice dinner then saw a hockey game. Distracting. But also involved a lot of running around (sometimes literally because we were late) and I kept thinking "but I've been spotting. I'm supposed to take it easy." Still.. it's all about paranoia.

I'm sick of it, but I can't stop. If I have a moment where I feel okay, feel confident, feel happy, I start worrying that it'll all be yanked away at any moment. I just can't shake the forboding feeling.

I used to have this love affair with the notion of pregnancy. The idea that sperm and an egg come together and grow into another human being. Watching a woman's belly grow, watching her breasts nourish a baby. The baby becoming this little personality. A woman is a mom. It all seemed so wonderful, so miraculous. I couldn't wait to do it. No tale of morning sickness, 36 hour labor, tearing into one hole, bleeding for weeks, or sleepness nights ever put me off in the least.

And here I am. Scared to death. When will it stop? Passing my previous times of loss didn't help. Twelve weeks didn't help. Thirteen weeks didn't help. The dawn of the 2nd trimester hasn't helped. Somehow I don't believe that 14 weeks or good NT scan results or dopplers working or big ultrasounds are going to help either. And I'm sad. I'm sad that infertility and miscarriage has ruined it for me. And pissed that I've let it.