Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Waiting to live again

One of the greatest things about having blogged for the last few years is having a running history of how things were. Sometimes it works against me. Last week, for example, when I went back looking at posts from around the time Robbie was born. Dredged up a lot of painful emotions.

But then tonight, I wondered how long it took for the Paxil to make me feel better when I started it back in January. I started it Jan 23 and on Feb 2, I had a post about not having anxiety when the sun set. So that's 10 days. Which is also how long it took to go without it before I felt like a crazy person again.

So, ten days. It's been 3 since I restarted the meds. So by this time next week, I'll be a real, live human being again, right? Right?



Tuesday, September 4, 2012

4 years

I took the full dose of Paxil this morning. It's been a little better, but not great. Tonight I have the oddest sensation that I'm forgetting to worry about something. I'll think "oh yeah, I forgot..." "oh now, wait.. I did that.." Like my brain really wants to be worried, but it can't quite figure out where to put that worry.

Hoping that a few more days of full dose Paxil put me back on the right side of sane.

In other news, today is the 4 year anniversary of Robbie's NICU homecoming. I do think that this milestone is contributing to my anxiety. It's a stupid thing to be anxious about, I know, but I think it just dredges up so many emotions and sets off some PTSD.

(I've been trying to do my PTSD exercises per my therapist, but so far they're not helping much. I contacted my therapist today, will have a session by week's end. Hopefully she can knock some sense into me.)

It's so odd to know that four years ago, Robbie felt like a visitor. I loved him and was even bonded to him a little, but I still kept waiting for someone to knock on the door and ask for their baby back. He was still tiny, under 4.5 pounds. It was a really profound life changing moment for us.

I wish I could have had a snapshot of him today on that day. I was so worried about everything, wondering what he'd be like. Would he be smart? Cute? Happy? Funny? Turns out, he's all of those things. He's also stubborn and bossy, but he's the best big brother in the world, and an amazing son. We've come a long way.

Monday, September 3, 2012

It's back.

Felt jittery all day. Full on anxiety wave tonight. Took some Paxil.
Even had a drink. Still not feeling great.

Fuck you, anxiety. Fuck you.



Okay, blogland- talk to me about withdrawal from Paxil.

I've been weaning off for about a month. Haven't had any since Friday before last (about 9 days.) Was doing okayish. A lot of dizziness and I'm sure it was contributing to my anger at my husband lately, but I was functioning.

Tonight I got hit by a massive panic episode. I can't really call it a panic attack because it lasts too long, but it hit me out of nowhere tonight and was pretty major. My whole body was shaking, skin tingling, heart racing, the whole bit. The worst of it lasted about an hour, but was getting waves for another few.

I am currently visiting my mother-in-law (who was great through the whole thing) and didn't even pack my Paxil. If I'd had it, I would have taken one. I was in pretty bad shape for a bit.

My reading says that the worst of the withdrawal lasts about 2 weeks. Am I going backward if I take one? Should I tough it out? Wean EVEN slower? I'd like to hear your stories.