Updating

I just realized I haven't posted in nearly 2 weeks. Wow, did time get away from me.

Things have been good, mostly. Anxiety has been minimal. I've had a rough day today, but I managed to screw up my meds on Monday and I think that's what set it off. It hasn't been debilitating, just annoying. I feel really tense and nauseated, but I can at least think straight.

Therapy has been good. Today's session was particularly interesting. We really delved into some stuff that I wasn't expecting, but found it really cathartic. I'm still mulling some of that over, so I'm not really going all into it just yet.

The kids are amazing. Charlotte just keeps growing and growing. She's nearing 11 pounds now. She is making a lot of eye contact, tracking things, smiling more and more. Yesterday I even got her first "laugh." It's more of a "heh!" but it was a laugh. She almost has her hands figured out. She can get them to her mouth, but can't seem to keep them there and can't stick her thumb out to suck just yet. It's actually pretty funny to watch because she gets her fist up there, takes a suck or two and then loses her hand and she lets out this yell of frustration. WHO KEEPS STEALING MY FIST?

She's a really good natured baby. She likes to be held a lot (like, um, all the time) but as long as you're willing to do that, and keep her fed, she's a very happy baby. She's gradually sleeping longer stretches, going as long as 8 hours one night. She's done 6 hours several times, and pretty regularly does 4.5-5 at least once a night. Last night I actually got two 5 hour stretches. She's also doing better sleeping in her bed and not so much in mine. I know a lot of people are very pro-bed-sharing but I am not for a whole variety of reasons. She is right next to me in the rock-n-play so she's close, but separate.

This last weekend I left her with my grandma for a few hours while Robbie and I went out, and she refused a bottle. It had formula in it. I had left pumped milk as well, but was hoping to get her to take formula occasionally letting me bank more breastmilk and to keep her used to getting it. She was not having it. My grandma said she would gag the minute it hit her lips.

David was home, too, and he called and asked when we would be home. We were only a few minutes away, so I just came home and nursed her, otherwise they would have given her the expressed milk. But we need to make sure she's willing to take a bottle because I will be going back to work at some point. So I'm a little stressed about that and have started pumping more to build a stash because I'm afraid I won't have enough and she won't take formula.

Robbie is awesome. He's in the cutest stage right now. Currently he has an imaginary friend named Han. It took me several days to figure out he was saying Han and not hand. Now that I know that, I've learned that Han is a girl, she is brown and apparently she likes to dye her hair because so far it's been red, brown and then green. This morning Han got in trouble for splashing water out of his cup everywhere. Fortunately Robbie is a good friend and cleaned it up for her.

The cutest thing is when he explains things to her. The other day he told her about riding in the car, going shopping, riding in the shopping cart etc. It's so adorable.

He also says the funniest things. He's absolutely enthralled with my nursing, which has lead to some hysterical moments. This weekend I heard him tell his grandma "Baby Charlotte eats mommy's boob. Mommy's boob is weally heavy." How in the world he knows it's heavy, I don't know, but I can't say he's wrong. I'm just waiting for him to make these pronouncements somewhere in public. Probably church or something.

Robbie is now sleeping in a twin bed. He still asks to sleep in the "little bed" sometimes, but he hasn't actually done so in over a week, so I think it's official. We haven't made much progress with potty training. He spent 8 straight days in underwear with no luck. Last weekend he peed in the potty once, but so far it hasn't been repeated.

Honestly, things at home have been good. I mean, I'm still tired. Robbie is still three and is bossy and shrieks a lot. Charlotte still takes anywhere from 1-2 hours to get down at night. But really, things are pretty good. If the last of my anxiety would die, I'd be fantastic. But at least I'm able to enjoy the kids now.

I think the combo of Paxil, therapy and about a hundred home remedies (vitamins, light therapy, etc) is winning. Sometimes I lose a battle, but I feel like I'm winning the war.

--Trish

Wow

I just realized the sun set without me noticing.

Normally as soon as dusk hits, I close all the blinds and turn on every single light in the house and pretend it's really still sunny.

I just looked up and realized the blinds are all still open and it's pitch black outside. This is progress.


Now if you'll excuse me, I think my neighbors are staring.


--Trish

Winning

Last week was filled with appointments. Monday I saw my counselor and OB. Tuesday Charlotte saw her pediatrician and Friday David saw a urologist.

Counseling:
It was mostly good. She is a little hippie-crunchy-weird but she's also sweet and caring and gave me some good tools to work on my anxiety and PTSD. I have arranged to do 5 sessions and then will judge where to go from there.

OB:
Good as always. I really couldn't love my OB's office or OB any more. She did agree to change my meds. I'm now on Paxil instead of Lexapro. I don't have to go back for 3 months, though I'm to call with any trouble or if I feel like I need to up my dose. I stopped in to see the phlebotomist from whom I took Charlotte's middle name (Corrina) which is always fun. She took a look at Charlotte and said "She's so fat!" It absolutely horrified the pregnant woman who was just finishing up in the lab. I reassured her that in my world a fat baby is good.

Pediatrician:
Charlotte is kinda fat. Ya know, relatively. She was 9.5 pounds and 20.5 inches long. She was 10% height and 25% weight on the growth chart for her actual age. If we adjusted, she'd be at 40% and 70%. That was new! We got official permission to let her sleep as long as she wants at night (sshh, don't tell, I already was. I knew she was gaining weight like crazy already.) and to come out of quarantine the first week of February. THAT'S NEXT WEEK.
Obviously, we're not supposed to go crazy and keep her covered and such, but we can leave the house! I'm more excited than I even express in words. Of course, the first time she gets sick, I'm going to freak the hell out, but we will try to be careful.
She didn't want me to send Robbie back to school until we talk again at the end of February. She wants to see the glut of RSV & Flu season pass before I send him back. So I'm supposed to call towards the end of February and discuss it then. I'm still hoping to send him back the first week of March.

Urologist:
David's getting a vasectomy on Feb 10. Before I got pregnant with Charlotte, I would have told you that I wanted more than 2 children. And honestly, I'd still like to raise more. But I feel 100% certain that I am not having any more babies. Severe pre-e x 2 is plenty for me. And I'm not getting any younger. I still can't quite get used to the idea that I'll never wonder about pregnancy again. When I walked down the family planning aisle at Target last week, I almost automatically grabbed a few HPTs.
The doctor was really nice. I wish we'd seen him when David saw a urologist for his low sperm count. I hated the one he saw back then. This guy was very easy going and down to earth. And it turned out his sister had HELLP syndrome, so he was sympathetic about our history.
I'll be glad to have it done with. Honestly, even the thought of being pregnant again makes my stomach churn. Not the part about having another baby (though certainly I'd like to get a good night's sleep again before I even want to think about that, either) but the being pregnant again. It's quite a paradigm shift to go from "if I could just get pregnant" to "please don't let me be pregnant." Perhaps after the snip is done, I can just stop thinking about pregnancy, period. That would be new and strange.

Anxiety:
I think I'm in a decent place. The side effects from the Paxil are lower than those on the Lexapro and I think the anxiety is a little better controlled.Honestly I've felt pretty sane for almost 2 weeks now.

Last night the smoke detectors went off (crumbs in the oven.) Our house is one of those where they are all wired together so when one goes off, they ALL go off. Robbie freaked the hell out. I can't say I enjoyed it much better, but of course, my focus was on covering his ears and getting it fixed.
After it was over, I was shaking. I wasn't scared by any means, but I guess just my startle reflex set off my nervous system and it just can't shut off after that.

Today it continued off and on. And it's been back tonight a bit. The different is that it's only physical. My hands are shaky and I'm tense, but I feel completely lucid. So even the breakthrough anxiety is not nearly as severe as it was. I think the Paxil is a better choice for me. And again, Charlotte doesn't seem to be having any reaction to it. She's still amazing and thriving.

There are still good days and bad days, but the bad days are rarer and less severe. The good days are more common and more fulfilling. I am able to enjoy being a mom again. All in all, life is feeling pretty good right now.

--Trish


 

A good week

Spending the week with my mother in law was really nice. I always suspected it would be nice to have a real mom and it turns out I was right. We get along very well, so it was fun to have someone to talk to and gossip with. She loves the kids almost as much as I do and helps SO much with them. She cooked, she cleaned, hell, she did my laundry! A girl could get used to that.

Anxiety wise, I did pretty well. I had one bad night where I started thinking about being home alone with the kids again which set me into a tizzy, but it eventually passed.

I've been home a few days now and still doing pretty well. I'm still having a hard time when I first wake up. It doesn't matter if it's morning or a nap, for about an hour after I wake up, I'm really jittery and shaky. It feels a bit like having low blood sugar, but it's not that. I've found that if I have something caffeinated, it seems to help, so I think it's related to trying to get my blood pumping again.

I go back to the OB tomorrow to discuss progress. I am going to talk about changing meds. I'm a little nervous to do so because I'm afraid the anxiety will get worse again, but I'm hopeful that maybe we can manage even my residual anxiety and lessen the side effects as well.

I also start therapy tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about therapy itself. I've been in therapy before (in my late teens) and I'm fine with that. I originally went to college for psychology and feel pretty comfortable in that setting. I am, however, worried about liking my therapist. She seems very nice on the phone and came recommended by a friend I really trust. But she asked for some childhood history via email and spilling that all out in an email made me feel really vulnerable. And then she didn't reply. I ended up sending a follow up email under the guise of asking a question, sort of hoping she'd say something reassuring, but no luck. But I guess will see how it goes.

I know that having had a few days being mostly anxiety free has been really refreshing. I can't say I've felt 100% like the old me, but I couldn't say if that's mental illness or straight out exhaustion. (Charlotte had 4 nights in a row of being up for a 3 hour stretch in the middle of the night.) Either way, I am functional and capable of feeling joy, so I'll take it.

I'm also hopefully in the home stretch of quarantine. The doc said 8 weeks past due date, which gives us 2.5 weeks to go. Charlotte goes back to the doctor on Tuesday (rescheduled from 2 weeks ago because the highway to the doctor was shut down with ice) and we'll discuss it then. She's doing very well and gaining weight really well, so I don't think she'll stop us. I know she'll caution us that she's still small and need to be careful, but we should be able to go out and have company if we use good sense. And honestly, once Robbie goes back to school, there will be a steady flow of germs into the house anyway. I just hope the worst of it has passed by then (thinking the first week of March.)

I think having things to look forward to has helped my mental health more than just about anything else. One of the worst parts about anxiety has been the feeling that THIS (this feeling, this exhaustion, this overwhelmedness, this life) is forever. Being able to look and say "no, on X date, something good will happen" goes a long way to negate that. So looking forward to getting away for a week, then to starting therapy, then to getting out of quarantine... it's been nice.

We've also decided to take another week at my mother in law's next month. The week before Robbie goes back to school, we'll spend with her again. This time we'll even be able to go out to dinner or do some shopping since that should be post-quarantine. Another thing to look forward to.

I'm also looking forward to Robbie going back to school, too. Right now the plan is just preschool (2 hours) on Monday & Wednesday and all day on Tuesday & Thursday (he'll stay home on Fridays). That gives him 4 days of preschool plus two full days of being with his friends. While his development has done a LOT of catching up in the last year, the biggest area that he is still behind in are in his social development. Being with the other kids his age is the best way to facilitate that, so I think it's important for him.

And honestly, the idea of 2 days a week where I can sleep when Charlotte sleeps sounds great. Even on the weekends when David is home, Robbie wants me all the time. David takes Charlotte so I can take a nap and I wake up to Robbie bouncing on my head. Or the sound of David and Robbie at the door arguing about whether mommy really needs to be left alone or not. Being loved by your son is a good problem to have, for sure. But a real nap sounds pretty nice, too.

All in all, it was a good week. And I hope that this week continues to be so. It's hard to feel confident that it will be because it seems like just when I think I've got this thing licked, anxiety surges through again, but I'm trying to remain positive. Wish me luck.


--Trish

Away

Things have been pretty okay this week. I'm at my mother-in-law's for the week. David is at home, but the kids and I are here. Having another woman- a mom- around is pretty awesome. David's been amazing but there is nothing like a mom to see what needs to be done and do it without having to be directed. It's almost enough to make me consider taking a sister-wife. If only David could keep up with two of us.

It's also been interesting to be mothered so consistently. David asked me the other night what it was like to have a mom. I said it was pretty awesome. Having grown up without one, it's amazing to see how the other half lived. My dad was (is) a great dad, but again, a mom just gets things that most men don't. I walked into my room tonight and just stared at a basket of clean laundry. When I'd left my room earlier it was dirty and now it was clean. That's.....magic. A girl could get used to being taken care of.

Of course, being me, I managed to let that give me anxiety tonight. She is driving back with me on Friday and then will drive herself home (David took her car home) on Saturday. I had a thought about how I'd miss the help on Sunday and WHAM! anxiety set in. Even though things really have been improving, my biggest fear is still being alone with the kids. As soon as it hit me, I started talking myself through it. I AM alone with the kids ALL the time. Hell, my MIL has a job, I've been alone with the kids while I've been here. And they seem to be doing just fine. But once in a while all I can think is how tired and overwhelmed I am and how will I ever get through it.

That rolled into wondering if I ever won't be afraid again. What if I feel like this forever? What if I can't enjoy the kids, what if I don't want to be alone with them, what if they know I am scared? Will they think I don't love them? Is this what my mother felt like? Is this why she left me? What if I snap and leave my kids like she left me? (And whoa. Typing that out makes me realize that I CLEARLY still have mommy issues that I thought I'd worked through. Mental note to bring that up in therapy next week.) Cue hands shaking, stomach churning, brink of tears.

My MIL was bathing Robbie. I put Charlotte in the moby and went to join them. She offered to let me sit and I explained that I was feeling anxious and was better off pacing and burning off the energy. She was very sympathetic. We talked about the physical feeling of anxiety and how nonsensical it is. I just hate it. She's very encouraging, and we both help therapy will help. But I'm so frustrated that something as mundane as "sure will miss her when she's back home" turns into what turned out to be a nearly 3 hour anxiety cycle. I'm sick of it.

I did think of this:

and held onto it. Those fears of it lasting forever are not real. They are the illness lying to me. It is a lie. Thanks to The Bloggess for it because I clung to it. And right now-now that it has passed- I think "how silly. I'm not scared of my kids. They're awesome and I've totally got this. And of course I'll get better. Think of how many people have contacted you to tell you how they've recovered..." But I also know that that hopeless feeling seems so real when I'm in the middle of it.

I hate anxiety. I hate that my own body and mind are doing this to me in spite of me knowing it's not real. I hate that even when I'm not feeling anxious, I'm thinking about when I'm going to next be anxious. I'm still having a period of tension just after dusk each night. So when I see the sun starting to set, I look at the clock and wonder when it's going to start. It's a fear-of-fear cycle that just plain blows.

I've been trying to stay busy and distracted. I'm working on gathering things for Charlotte's nursery. That's a ton of fun. Since I'm not at home, I had to call David and tell him to haul in all the boxes off the porch every night. It's going to be like another Christmas when I get home because there will be things waiting for me.

Right now the room that will be hers is David's office. It's going to move to the basement, but in order to do so, we have to have some wiring run down there (it's not finished). So I'm chomping at the bit to get it done. Hopefully when I can start painting and hanging things, that will give me both a physical and mental outlet to expend some energy. In the meantime, I'm doing a lot of online shopping (which is difficult when you're using an unreliable unsecured wifi connection, btw) and trying to ignore anything not as fun. I guess when that's done, I'm going to need a new project to focus on.

Or who knows, maybe by then I'll be all "fixed" and can just be lazy like normal. A girl can dream, eh?

--Trish