Monday, August 27, 2012

Sneaking Out

Tonight I got off work early and didn't tell anyone. I left. I got gas, cleaned out the car, went to a restaurant and ate by myself, went shopping for nothing and then spent a solid hour at the bookstore. Alone. Two and a half hours where I didn't rush to get home or answer to anyone.

I eventually called my husband and told him I wasn't at work. He seemed confused but okay with it.

When I got home, Charlotte was wailing. David was trying to resettle her without success. I took over for a while, also without success. Then he took over again while I went to talk to Robbie a bit.

I don't even know what to say about Robbie. He's pee-trained but still not poop and lately he's been holding it for bedtime, pooping in his diaper and then taking the diaper off himself. Fortunately he's smart enough not to smear it everywhere but it's still not pleasant to walk into.

After cleaning Robbie up and resettling him, Charlotte still wailing in the other room the whole time, I pulled out one of my bookstore purchases on sleep. Before I could finish the chapter I needed, David came to tag out. And gave me a guilt trip about how he hasn't had a break in 16 hours. I refrained from commenting and just came back to take a turn. It's currently 11:30 and she's still going. I don't know what to do.

The lack of sleep in the house is affecting our marriage. David will help until he goes to bed around midnight, but after that, it's me. He's off duty until he gets home from work the next day. She still eats about every 3 hours all night long.

On Saturday I let David sleep until 10am and then asked if I could get 15 minute nap. He couldn't deal with the kids by himself for 15 minutes. After a long day of sniping at each other, he told he he's "always tired." I pretty much told him I had nothing left to to give. I take all night duty, all morning duty and all weekend duty. I simply couldn't do any more. He agreed that I'm doing a lot.
But then on nights like tonight, he purposely makes me feel guilty for going and doing something for myself, even though in the grand scheme of things, I was home almost an hour EARLIER than usual.

I know we're both tired and it makes everything seem more serious. I'm trying to remember to that we pretty much hated each other (or maybe I just hated him) for Robbie's first year and we eventually liked each other again. This too shall pass.

But right now, I'm tired and unhappy. And I'd really appreciate it if my baby would GO TO SLEEP.


Monday, August 20, 2012


It hasn't been the best week in parenting. I'm trying to wean off the Paxil and I'm edgy and a little depressed. Honestly, I drove home from work tonight planning to write a little bit about how depressed and unloved I'm feeling. Whether it's the drug weaning or sleep deprivation or maybe it really is that everyone around me has just gotten supremely annoying lately, I don't know. But it's not been my best week.

I got home from work wanting nothing more than some food and a little quiet time to read. (Reading "Gone Girl." HOOKED! no spoilers!) I came in and devoured some food while being equal parts amused and bemused that Robbie was still awake and talking to himself. I decided to go in and sneak a snuggle and try to get him to sleep before returning to my Kindle.

When I went in, he exclaimed, "Mommy!" like he hadn't seen me in a year. He sat right up and smiled at me. Then told me very seriously, "Mommy, I'm hungry." I didn't doubt that was true. He hadn't eaten much of a lunch and David said he didn't eat much at dinner either.

I suppose a good parent would have told him to live with it because he hadn't eaten his dinner. And we did talk about the fact that he was hungry because he hadn't eaten. But then we negotiated some crackers and cheese. Specifically, he wanted some Penguin crackers (One of Aldi's knock-off versions of Goldfish, which I happen to think are quiet delicious.) and some "yellow cheese." I retrieved both and we proceeded to have the most adorable 11pm picnic in history.

We counted the penguins. We talked about their body parts. He was very amused that penguins don't have lips,  they have beaks. We compared penguin bellies to Robbie's belly. Then he informed me that my belly is "underneath Mommy's boobies." I laughed and laugh. He told me that a piece of my straw hair looked like an elephant trunk. We talked about the letters and numbers on the bag of penguins, and on his sheets.

At one point, I dropped a cracker and he picked it up automatically. I laughed and asked if he'd just stolen my cracker. He froze, looked very serious and shoved the cracker in my mouth. He's no thief!

Eventually he finished his snack and I asked if he wanted me to sing him a song before he went to bed. He asked for a song I don't know (I can't even remember the title now!) and seemed truly befuddled that I didn't know it. I gave him a list of choices and eventually he decided on Ants Go Marching In. He got a big kick out of helping with the "boom boom boom!" part. When it was done, he shouted "hooray! NOW WE CAN SNUGGLE!" and threw himself into the snuggle position.

I snuggled up to him and kissed his soft cheeks. I smelled his sweet (cheesy) breath and told him I loved him. We practiced the first verse of Ants Go Marching so he could learn the lyrics. Somehow we talked about shadows which lead to making shadow puppets until I finally said we both had to go night-night. I turned on the music in room and told him goodnight.

I haven't stopped smiling since. This may not have been the best week in parenting, but it's amazing what a half hour dimly-lit impromptu picnic can do for the soul. Suddenly I'm not so depressed after all.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Back and Forth

How does she know? Seriously, can she smell me across the house?
I come in from work after a less-than-stellar day and David is looking blissful. The kids are quiet. Robbie's still awake, but mellowed out and quiet. Charlotte's actually sleeping.
And then she wasn't.
I'd gone in to snuggle Robbie for a minute and it's like she knew she wasn't getting equal treatment. The wailing began. I went in to soothe her a bit, she nodded back off. And then I put her down. And she wailed some more. I tried to soothe her w/o picking her up. Not happening. I got to the point I was literally leaned over the cosleeper nursing her hoping she'd nod off while already laying down and then we'd be golden. No luck.

Finally something in me snapped and I walked out. She was wailing that super sad cry, but I couldn't take it. David got what I call the oh-shit-eyes. He could see I was over the line. I started ranting about how I'd just love for one of my kids to JUST. FUCKING. SLEEP. How I'd LOVE to have a warm meal. He quietly asks if he should go rock her. My very reasoned reply was "I don't fucking care. I'm going to eat my cold dinner now." Sign me up for mother of the year.

He did rock her. She still didn't sleep, but at least I got to eat my cold meal. And then I took back over again. I nursed her a little more, she slept. It was that half sleep where she'd open her eyes just a crack just to make sure I hadn't dared to actually put her down. I watched her sleep a little bit. I kissed her cheeks and stroked her crazy red hair. I wondered how I could ever be so frustrated while such a little treasure. She sighed and snuggled against me. I pressed my cheek to hers and inhaled her scent. I love her so much.

Eventually I was able to sneak out of my bed and fold a load of laundry. And eventually even put her in her own bed. She woke again and nursed a little more, but went back to her own bed w/o too much fuss this time.

I wish I knew that right thing to do. I need her to sleep. I need to sleep. But I also know these moments are fleeting. Some day I'll sit in a mostly empty house and wish I had a baby to press my cheek against. I really do treasure these days. But crap, I'm tired.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Do you ever feel like you'll never, ever feel rested again?

I know that someday I will miss these days, but right now I'd sell a kidney for the opportunity to sleep for 12 hours uninterupted.

Suffice it to say that Charlotte still isn't sleeping through the night. If I get a 4 hour stretch, it's been a decent night. Once a month or so, she has one 5 hour stretch. Man, those nights are great.

I feel like a walking zombie. I fell asleep sitting up at my desk at work the other day. I had given up caffeine completely but I'm back on the sauce again. It was that or get fired.

Charlotte's cosleeping a lot just because I put her on the boob and go back to sleep. I wake up a lot of mornings with her stretched out across my body, using my boob as a pillow. Last week I woke up and found myself covered in hickeys. Apparently she couldn't find the nipple? It was funny but also a little scary because I slept completely through it.

Robbie's apparently a 4 year old insomniac. It doesn't matter if he naps or doesn't, or for how long, he is awake until at least 11:00 every night. Some nights it's 1am. And then still up by 8:30. He had a phase of getting out of bed and getting toys. I thought David was going to lose it. We seem to have broken him of that again but still tonight, he was laying in there giggling, talking, rolling around, telling himself stories until 11:30. I went in to try to settle him down a bit and he talked a mile a minute. I might have promised him orange ice cream in a fishy cup with a green straw if he would just got to sleep. Now I have to find a damned fishy cup.

They seem to be doing well otherwise. Robbie's adorable and chatty and loving the nanny. I need to get a video of him singing some songs. He's so funny.

Charlotte's awesome. She started pulling up today. She's crawling all over the place, eating anything she can get her hands on, babbling all the time. I think she'll be walking soon. That girl wants to move. She gets on her feet and just giggles. I can feel my hair going gray.

They're both awesome kids, but they DO. NOT. SLEEP.

I'd complain some more, but it's 2:24 am and Charlotte's waking up for what must be the 8th time tonight. Why did wet-nurses ever go out of fashion?