Wednesday, January 30, 2008

8w6d. Life continues!

All is well!

I actually managed to sleep fairly well last night much to my surprise. I woke up at 9 and immediately felt nervous, but it passed quickly.

My appointment was at 10:40. I got there at 10:25. I called David to make sure he was on his way and he was only a few minutes away, so I headed to the office. They were ready for me immediately. The u/s tech (my favorite one again!) asked if I was alone and I told her David would be there shortly. She had me wait until he arrived (he was there about 5 minutes later) and then we headed for the dildo cam.

They had new equipment, so she said that she was going to experiment on me a bit. And that meant she had a trainer lady with her to teach her to use the machine. All the better for me, because we got a long look at everything.

As soon as she started, I saw a flickering on the screen. She hadn't even focused yet and I said "Is that a heart I see flickering on the screen?" And she said "It sure is!" I exhaled deeply and said "We have a heartbeat!"

She looked at me and asked if that was in question. I explained that it was my third pregnancy, so I was nervous. She apologized that she didn't realize up front that I'd had repeated losses. She said she'd get straight to the baby and do her other stuff at the end. I told her to take her time. We know the baby is alive, she can do whatever she wants now.

So, she went about scanning. We go to see & hear the heartbeat. (about 186bpm) She took a CRL, which was 20mm, which is about 8 1/2 weeks, so close enough to make me happy. We saw the umbilical cord, the spine, little arm buds waving & little leg buds. The leg buds were harder to see, but the rest was really amazing. Oh, and of course, its giant head.

My left ovary is still swollen. Righty is back to normal but still has a cyst. Nothing unexpected.

As we got close to the end, the fire alarm went off. They told me to get dressed and went to check to see if we needed to evacuate or not. About the time I got my pants on we had to head outside. Fun times.

It's about 20 degrees here and windy. Just the sort of weather I like to hang out in.

Fortunately it didn't last too long. We headed back in and we all waited again. A few minutes later, they led me back to a room to see Dr. K.

Dr. K is fabulous as always. She was beaming at our good news. We talked a long time. The highlights were that my m/c risk is now less than 5%. I'm supposed to visit with the baby (yeah, 'cause I'm sure all the infertile women in the waiting room would just LOVE that.) and I'm off pelvic rest. She gave me info for when I can stop my progesterone supplements & the metformin. And I graduated!

No more RE for me. I told her I didn't want to go. I don't know how to be a regular person. (She assured me that I'm "special." ha!) But alas, off to the cold, cruel world I go.

As for how I'm feeling: atwitter. On the one hand, I'm excited beyond belief. On the other hand- holy shit! I feel a lot like I just found out I was pregnant for the first time. I guess because it's almost real. But I've spent so long trying to pretend that it's NOT possible, trying not to be excited, that I don't quite know how to just let it flow.

We were only in the parking lot of the office when David asked when we tell people. *gulp* I told him he could tell his mother tonight. I honestly hope he tells her when I'm not there. I'm still a bit stung from her reaction when we told her about the last pregnancy, and while it's probably bitter & petty, I just don't even want to talk to her. I'll probably tell my dad this weekend. I told him I'd still like to wait to tell everyone else until we hit the 2nd trimester. I'm not sure he approves, but such is life.

All in all, he didn't say much. He tried to give me the "I knew everything was fine" line and I told him with a laugh "yeah, but you're delusional." He said "No, I just had faith in you."

FAITH IN ME?! Gee, no pressure. I told him that it had nothing to do with me. It was all God & science. If it was just a matter of what I could do, we'd have a 5 month old. He nodded, but mostly seemed to be dismissing me. But all is well. I'm not sure my buzz can be killed today.

So, life continues. In more ways than one. Thank you God.


9 hours

"No matter what happens tomorrow, we'll be okay, right?" "Yep."

That's the conversation that David and I had tonight.

About 9 hours from now we'll have a better idea if we're really going to have a baby or not.

I've done really well until right now. Now my stomach is churning. And not from morning sickness.

I keep thinking that I shouldn't be nervous. This might be my last 9 hours of enjoying my pregnancy. I should enjoy it. But somehow that isn't helping. I can't imagine why.

Will post tomorrow afternoon. Prayers requested.


Friday, January 25, 2008


This has been a weird week.

I had one night of REALLY unpleasant morning sickness. Take my advice- if you're feeling a little queasy, but you *think* you're okay now, just go home. DO NOT, under any circumstances, GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. Thank heavens it was after work, so it was late and there was no one to stare at me when I had to stop in an aisle and just gag a while.

My husband took some amusement (though was careful to at least try to hide it) when I tried to say "I thought I'd have a grilled cheese." but it came out "I thought I'd *gag* have a *gag* grilled *gag* *gag* *gag* oh nevermind, if I can't say the word *gag* *gag* cheese *gag* *gag* *gag* without gagging, I probaby shouldn't eat one."

Fun times. That was the end of the day that started with being awakened by a dream that my period started. The dream was odd, and seemed to be more about trouble with a tampon than anything else. Then at some point in the dream I realized oh wait- if my period started, then the baby is gone. But I wasn't sad. I even said in the dream that I wasn't going to be sad because the baby had been gone a long time. It was even more odd when I woke up and didn't feel panicked. It was more of a "wow, that was a crappy dream" moment. Then I thought "Well, I guess I should go check for blood." (There was none.)

That made the morning sickness a bit more welcome. I even prayed that night and thanked God for the reassurance. I needed it.

This morning, I woke up with no breast pain. Zero. Panick, of course. I managed to talk myself down fairly quickly. I'm 8w pregnant, lots of people's boobs stop hurting around this time. And even if it means something, there is nothing I can do about it, so freaking out is pointless. Thoughout the day they were a little tender and tonight they're fairly sore again. Oh, and add that one nipple is suddenly randomly painfully erect.

You know, I never do the . thing in the middle of words so that my blog isn't found. It actually amuses me that someone surfing for porn might find themeselves here in the land of blood & vaginal suppositories. Does that make me sick? 'Cause that last paragraph- boobs, nipples, erect.. it makes me giggle to think who might find themselves here. Anyway...

All in all, I feel okay. I'm not convinced we're having a baby. I'm not convinced we're not (at this moment.) Things seems to be going better with David. I haven't had the urge to slug him in a few days, which is nice. I feel a little bit like we're walking on eggshells around each other. He hasn't mentioned the baby at all, even when I have brought things up. And I've made a very concerted effort not to discuss random fears with him. It makes me sad that we can't both just be ourselves, but then again, I suppose it speaks to our consideration for each other that we both are trying to be sensitive to the other.

Mostly, I just keep thinking that in a week, we'll have a better idea if we're really having a baby. Not that miscarriages can't happen after 9w. But if things look good at 9w, it certainly improves our odds. So we'll see. T-minus 5 days. The appointment is next Wednesday morning.


Monday, January 21, 2008


I keep wondering when the sadness is going to go away.

The first time I was pregnant, that burning jealousy of every pregnant woman on earth went away almost immediately. A couple of people I know found out they were pregnant right after I did and I was genuinely thrilled for them. It caught me by surprise. After having dealt with TTC & ART by that point, I was definitely at the stage of jealousy, if not complete & utter bitterness at every freakin' pregnancy announcement. But then I got pregnant and I could be happy for them w/o the added dose of "Why not me!?"

My 2nd pregnancy was odd, because it started off so poorly. We were fairly certain almost from the beginning that things weren't going well. I also didn't happen to hear any pregnancy announcements close to mine, so it didn't come up.

This time, I still feel so sad. It's as though I'm not pregnant at all. I don't know if it's related to my pessimism about the chances for this ending in a baby, denial, habit, depression or what. I just know that I'm sad.

I had dinner with some friends the other night. A group of infertile soldiers if you will. There were four of us- three PCOS girls & me. One is now a mother of 2, the other two are significantly pregnant. Of course, the main topic of the night was babies & pregnancies. They all talked about my baby as though it's a given that there will be one. Not because they're not aware of my history or the risks or my fears. They're just hopeful for me. And I felt... strange. I won't say that I was sad in that moment (I enjoyed my time with the girls too much) but I would say that I felt disconnected from it. And later- on my drive home- the sadness set in again.

Tonight, I was browsing through message board topics and was reading one about breast pumps. It made me sad. Basically I found myself wondering if I would ever wonder about such things.

I had to remind myself that I am, indeed, pregnant. But even that reminder isn't joyful for me. It isn't "OH YEAH! HEY! I'm pregnant!" It's "oh yeah. I'm pregnant. Gee, I wonder if I'll ever wonder about these things myself."

It's not that I'm feeling hopeless tonight. I'm not really. Not any more hopeless than normal, anyway. (Whatever THAT means.) It's just.. I don't know. It doesn't feel real, I guess.

I suppose it could just be that pregnancy doesn't equal a baby for me. That seems reasonable enough. But it feels so odd to feel exactly the same way I felt before I was pregnant. It's not that I read or hear things about pregnancy and think "Gee, I hope I don't miscarry again." I just feel the same way I did before we ever conceived. I wonder if I'll ever have a baby. And it seems so odd to be three pregnancies later, one on-going, and feel......infertile.

I suppose I feel a little bit like an infertile fraud. I've gotten pregnant three times in barely more than a year. I'm an infertile failure. (And grateful to be so!)

I would definie my infertile feelings as wondering if I'd ever get pregnant. Now I have. Three times.

I realize we still meet the medical definition. Getting pregnant hasn't changed my husband's sperm count or my crappy eggs. And it's not as though we got pregnant at home. We had lots of help. But the pills, shots, scans & IUIs have become so regular that it almost feels normal now. I don't resent them anymore. (Well, I resent some of the side effects of the pills, but that's not exactly the same thing.)

I'm not mourning my inability to get pregnant from sex anymore. I don't fear that I'll never get pregnant. I don't even fear that I'll never get pregnant again. Not that it couldn't happen. I'm aware of secondary infertility. But it's not foremost on my mind. So I shouldn't feel infertile anymore, right?

But I do. I suppose this is why RPL is a classification of infertility. In the end, we're all worried about the same thing. Will I ever have a baby? And here I am. But it's strange. I'm pregnant, and still wondering just that.

It's "just" sadness, though. Not jealousy. When I hear other people making plans about their own babies, and even mine, I don't feel jealous. Just sad. I guess I'm the queen of self pity.

What a mess I am. I feel like a whiny fool. There are so many people out there who would do anything to simply be pregnant. People who would dance with joy & not linger on past injustices. And here I am. Given this incredible blessing, and I'm STILL fucking feeling sorry for myself.

I'm really sick of me.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Morning sickness

I'm almost certain it's morning sickness.

I had another round tonight. It's hard to call it nausea exactly. It's a little more like a "Gee, I suddenly feel like ass, why does everything feel.....wrong?" feeling. That's at least the 3rd time this week. All were after my evening meal, but somehow I doubt that it's ALL been indigestion. I'm calling it morning sickness.

It's comforting since my breast tenderness is definitely waning.

I'm feeling more confident this evening than I was. That is subject to change at any moment, of course. But I did almost think about actually having a baby in my arms earlier. I caught myself quickly, but it seeped in a bit.

The ultrasound picture is on the fridge. I feel really weird about it being there, to be honest. I put it up. But every time I see it I can't help but wonder if I'm going to regret it being there. But I'm trying to go forward like this might actually work, so there it is.

See. I'm totally a shiny happy, person! Someone let my husband know.


Saturday, January 19, 2008


I'm feeling more anxious today than I have in a bit. Both of my previous babies died during the 7th week.

I was hoping to get through this week w/o feeling this way. But it's sort of creeping in on me tonight.

I keep trying to reassure myself that the past does not dictate the future. I think I might have had a bought of morning sickness yesterday, though it may have just been really bad indigestion as well. I'm also feeling a little not-quite-right this evening, so I'm really hoping it's mild morning sickness.

I also had a dream last night that I was spotting. Upon awakening I, of course, ran to the bathroom. Everything was fine. Funny, I also had a very, very explicit dream that I won't go into (seriously, I'd embarrass myself.) Somehow THAT didn't trouble me (well, except to wonder where THAT came from) but anything involving the pregnancy must somehow be psychic. I'm insane. I know.

Anyway, not much to report beyond that. Some minor cramping here and there, but nothing horrible. No spotting. Breast pain still waxing and waning.

Only time will tell.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Trying to surrender

Lots of cramps today. I literally went to the bathroom 3 times at work looking for blood. I came home and went straight to the bed to lay down. I was hurting pretty bad.

David met me at the door when I got home and I told him I wasn't feeling well and was going to lay down. He came to check on me and I was actually afraid to tell him what was wrong. I'm so scared he's going to tell me I'm being negative.

I know some cramps are normal, but really, it was just like my period. Back cramps.. really just a lot of pain.

I don't think I had enough fluid today and I didn't eat well. I kept trying to decide if I was hungry or had heartburn more. I'm fully convinced the heartburn is pregnancy related. It's too random to be normal. I ate some corn for lunch and that gave me heartburn. That's not normal.

I'm trying to tell myself that those things contributed to my cramps. I'm praying and begging that's all it is.

There has been no blood.

I'm scared and my next u/s is two weeks from tomorrow. (Jan 30th)

I'm trying really, really hard to surrender it. It's one of those nights where I've had to listen to "I surrender all" a whole bunch of times.

I'm going to listen a few more times, then go to bed.


Monday, January 14, 2008

Pregnancy #3. Ultrasound #1.

It's mostly good.

I'm 6w4d today.

One baby, heart rate measuring 126bpm.
I am measuring a little bit behind, which isn't what I wanted to hear.
I'm measuring at 5.9w. That's still within the range of normal, which is +/- 1 weeks.

Obviously, I'd rather be measuring right on time, but just like our betas, that's still significantly better than my previous pregnancies, both of which were measuring more than a week behind at this point.

Dr. K is encouraged. She wrote "viable pregnancy" on my paperwork, but also ordered some more bloodwork & another u/s.

She did two clotting disorder tests (though I take baby aspirin & extra folic acid as a precaution anyway, which she was glad to hear.) I go back for another u/s in 2 weeks.

They gave me pictures of the u/s, which if I get really motivated later, I'll post, though they REALLY don't look like much.

As we were leaving, Dr. K said the nicest thing. She said that she hoped I knew how much everything was rooting for us. She said that when she came in the morning, she was told she was seeing us today and she said laughed and said she told them "Okay, well, I'll be on my best behavior."

I have to say, I have a really great support system. As much as all of this has sucked, the support of my doctors, nurses, friends, message boards & blogging community has been profound. Please know how much it's appreciated.

Anyway, David was able to be with me today, though he was more than 20 minutes late. I won't even get started on how it happened (short version: He's dumb.) or how angry I was. Fortunately, the office was great and rearranged things to wait for him even though I insisted we could do it w/o him.

So.. For today: I am pregnant and will be happy.


Sunday, January 13, 2008

U/S Anticipation

Well, it's Sunday night, 10:43 pm. My first ultrasound is less than 14 hours away.
I'm not panicked yet.

It almost got me earlier. About 6:00 I started thinking too much. We went to dinner and I found myself fidgeting nervously. I kept trying to get David to talk about something... anything.. but he just wasn't getting it. Finally I resorted to talking about a movie I watched this weekend (Find Me Guilty. Better than I expected.) just to distract myself from my own thoughts.

That's pretty much been my method of coping all weekend. I've played some games on the computer, watched several movies, and a bunch of Buffy episodes on DVD. If I fill my brain with useless crap, I can't obsess. Don't judge. Whatever works.

When my mind has been running away with me, I've been trying to reassure myself with a few things.

Instead of focusing on why this isn't going to work, I'm trying to think about why it is.

1. My symptoms (mostly sore breasts) do wax & wane. They did the same thing in my first two pregnancies, so I've associated that with miscarriage. The truth of the matter is that I've never experienced a successful pregnancy, so for all I know, this is normal.

2. The psychic told me she saw me holding a baby, and three pregnancies. Intrepret or ignore as you wish.

3. My beta was double what it's ever been before.

4. This was our miracle. Four million sperm? Next stop IVF. I'm that person that every infertile despises because every fertile in the world says "I know a girl who only had 4 million sperm and BOOM! she got pregnant. Her baby is ______ year old now."

5. This is a weird story. It probably sounds insane. But here it is anyway. On December 22nd, David's friends had a Christmas party. One of his sets of friend brought their 2 1/2 year old. They did not, however, bring any toys for her. They pretty much came in the door and disappeared. I couldn't see the kid hurt herself, so I spent most of the evening trying to alternately entertain her and keep her from injuring herself.
One such method of entertainment was to draw. First she wanted to draw, then she wanted me to draw. She asked for a princess. I drew a Princess. She asked for a Snowman, I drew a snowman.
The next thing she said was "Draw Lorelei." I froze. For anyone who doesn't know, Lorelei is the baby girl name we have wanted to use for quite some time now. Her mom had come up and sat next to me to see what I was doing so I glanced at her "Who is Lorelei?" She looked at me and said she didn't know. She asked her daughter "Who is Lorelei?" She said "Draw her. Draw Lorelei." I actually started to shake. I even thought to myself "Do you know something I don't know, kid?" (Keeping in mind this was 3 days before we found out I was pregnant.) I sort of half-heartedly said "well, we hope to have a little girl named Lorelei someday, but that's the only Lorelei I know." and then started to draw a baby. Of course, the little girl was completely uninterested and wandered off. Her mother looked uncomfortable (she knows about our 2 miscarriages but has never commented on them in any way.) and go up and walked off. Telling? I don't know. But it really stuck with me.

6. Please. Please. Please.

That's pretty much it. I guess tomorrow we'll have a better idea.

My first two pregnancies we had a heart beat at this stage, but measuring small. Tomorrow, I will consider success a heart beat and a sac & embryo measuring appropriately for gestational size.

Wish me luck.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Boob update

I had my lumpy boob follow up appointment today.

Let me throw out there that getting a breast exam (a particularly thorough one) when you're pregnant and your boobs are quite tender is not really that much fun.

As she was torturing me, she said "Yes, there it is. Still there." Except that she wasn't pushing on the right spot. I informed her of such, and pointed to the area where she originally found the lump.

"Yes, there is one there as well."

Lucky me. Not only do have still have the one I did, but it has invited a friend.

She still says that they both feel like "just cysts." Considering the negative ultrasound & mammogram, I think she's likely correct. (I say, with my complete lack of expertise in this area.) She says it's hard to tell for sure, though because my breast tissue is very dense. (I took that as a compliment. If it were possible to strut on an exam table, I would have.) She also said it's probably complicated by my pregnancy hormones running rampant.

The plan is that I go back again in another month for another torture session. If they're still there, she's sending me to the surgeon to have another opinion. I assume that will include a biopsy.

Overall, I don't feel overly concerned. There is a little niggling part in my brain thinking that it would be just my luck to have a successful pregnancy and end up having breast cancer, but that's just my pessimism seeping out.

My grandmother had fibrocystic breasts so I'm sure I have that gene. Add 3 pregnancies, an estrogen supplement, progesterone supplements, and 7 rounds of Clomid, and I don't think it's unimaginable that my boobs would get cranky.

Oh, and on an interesting, possibly related note, someone posted this article on a message board today and it says that fibrocystic breasts are a symptom of low progesterone. Now, currently my progesterone is super high, but that's artificial. (Well, not all artificial. You know what I mean. Clomid, pregnancy, supplements.) Who really knows how these things are all related, but I found it interesting anyway.

So, for now, we just wait and see.

On the emotional front, I've been doing better. I don't know if the hysterics on Sunday helped or if it was the talk or what, but I've been a lot calmer since then. Still concerned, still praying, still scared, of course. But more reasonable levels of fear than before.

Thanks for all the support and not telling me I'm a lunatic. I still FEEL like I was a lunatic that day, but you know, I suppose David is correct. No one called the cops, so it's all good.

Thank God I married the most resilient man on Earth.


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Not my proudest moment

There has been no more blood.

I just wanted to get that out there before I go on with my real post.

I spent Saturday pretty much in bed. My back hurt from laying around and doing nothing.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling like a human being. My boobs barely hurt. From 15dpo until Saturday night, my boobs hurt BADLY. I mean really, really badly. One day when I took my bra off I literally almost cried. And then they didn't. This, of course, caused me to the freak out. No bloaty feeling in my belly, no breast pain, and spotting on the TP the day before lead to a very cavey Trish.

Early in the day, the husband asked how I was feeling and my reply was "not very pregnant." Little did I know that would cause the issues it did.

Because my back hurt so bad from doing nothing on Saturday and because I'd decided that my pregnancy was over, I decided to do some small things around the house. I started some laundry, but only carried a few items at a time so as not to lift anything heavy. I took the ornaments off the tree. Not much, but enough to get me moving at least a little.

David tried to put some blankets in the washing machine and one point and I snapped at him that I was doing laundry and would take care of it. I was defensive because I'd been a lump all weekend and felt like it was for naught.

Later in the evening, a friend sent me a nice message telling me she was thinking of me and David caught me with tears (of joy) in my eyes. When he looked at me funny, I explained that someone just said something nice and it made me cry.

He replied "Yeah, I bet. That must be great." When I asked what he was talking about, he said that it sure would be nice to hear something nice every once in a while.

I looked at him a little funny because I'd said lots of nice things to him throughout the day (thanking him for cleaning, telling him the house looked nice etc.) and I said "What?"

He said that when he asked me how I felt that I'd snapped and told him "not very pregnant." He went on to (again) tell me how all I do is bitch. That all I've ever wanted to be is pregnant and now I am but I can't just be happy.

Man, did that hit a nerve. Guilty as charged. At first I rolled my eyes, he just doesn't get it and how can I explain that I'm scared for the millionth time for the person that I REALLY feel like should get it?

But he kept going.

I started crying.

I started begging him to stop.

He kept going.

I started screaming. I don't mean yelling. I mean screaming. I don't think I've ever actually screamed before. I mean, not w/o the conscious thought of "I'm going to scream now... ahhhhhhhhhh." I mean, really screaming. Think lifetime movie, bad acting, screaming. And I couldn't stop. I kept thinking I should stop, but I couldn't. Every time I'd stop screaming, he'd start again, and the screaming would start again. I wasn't in control.

Now, those of you who know me, know that I don't really "do" out of control. I may be an emotional girl, but I'm typically in control of what I'm doing, even if I'm not making the best decisions. This was not one of those times. No control.

And still, he wouldn't stop. I honestly don't even know what he was saying at that point. It was just his voice. When I finally stopped screaming and dissolved into sobs, I started begging him to leave me alone. The only thing I can remember him saying is "No."

So I got up and got my keys and tried to leave. No shoes. No bra. Crying hysterically. Yeah, that's my white trash heritage showing through. He came to the car and told me I wasn't leaving. I was in no condition to drive. (True enough.)

Since I'd finally gotten him out of the bedroom, I ran back to the bedroom and locked the door behind me. Do you have the full vision of a COPS episode yet? It was pretty much like that except there was no violence or cheap beer.

After I laid in the bedroom sobbing for probably 45 minutes (again, I couldn't make it stop.) I opened the bedroom door and found him standing there.

The first words out of my mouth were "I don't want to do this anymore. When we lose this baby, I'm done. No more trying. I give up."

He shook his head and said that I didn't mean that. I told him that I did. He argued that I didn't.

I told him that I can't take it. That I seriously think I'm losing my mind. I can't take it. He doesn't understand what it's like. That I know I'm a miserable bitch to live with. I know I have nothing nice to say. I know. I'm sick of myself, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I have every right to be scared, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being afraid to take an ibuprofen even when I'm not pregnant because what if it's still in my system when we get pregnant. Scared to drink a Pepsi, or eat cold cuts or take a warm bath. I'm tired of being in physical and mental pain. I'm tired of pills & poking & doctors. I'm tired of planning our whole life around maybes and what-ifs.

I can't take it anymore.

He said we can take a break. That if we do lose this baby- and he's not convinced- we'll take a break. We do need a break. But he isn't giving up. I said that we can take a break and discuss it again, but I couldn't guarantee I'd ever be ready to try again.

I cried and cried and cried. He asked me what I needed and I told him that I needed him not to make me feel worse about being scared. He couldn't ever seem to agree to that. I told him that I needed reassurance that we'd be okay. I emailed him during the day on Friday after the sort-of-okay beta and told him that I needed a pep talk when I got home. It never came. All I wanted to hear was that we'd be okay no matter what, but even that seemed to be too much to ask.

That's when he started to cry. I'm not married to a crier. So, of course, when his voice broke and he said "Trish. If we never have kids, we'll be okay. We have each other. I have you. That's all I need." I cried even more.

He kept asking if I was going to be okay. I said I didn't know but I didn't have much choice. After nearly 2 hours of crying, I finally stopped. I think I ran out of tears. Plus my head hurt like a bitch.

He cooked dinner (a very late dinner by then) and we ate. He must have asked if I was okay about 15 more times. What can I say? I'm not. But life goes on anyway.

By late Sunday night I was much calmer. I think I was too exhausted to be anxious anymore. And most of today, I was mostly okay. I was sensitive. This wasn't a day I could hear "Everything will be okay." But I was fairly calm.

I called the doctor this morning and told them about the spotting. Basically I'm on pelvic rest until further notice. Good Nurse Crystal was very encouraging & sympathetic but said she wasn't TOO concerned about the spotting, but wanted me to take it easy anyway. I'm to go to work, come home and put my feet up and do nothing else.

Again, there's been no more blood. Trust that I've inspected the toilet paper thoroughly. My boobs hurt really bad again early this morning, then didn't again, then did again and currently really don't. So who knows?

I wish I was more convinced that things were fine, but I'm not really. I've had moments today when I've thought maybe everything was okay. But mostly I think I'm steeling myself for a bad u/s on Monday.

After that, I don't know what.

I share this none-to-flattering story with you not because I'm proud or because I'm defending my own actions, but because it's part of our journey. Whether we end up parents or not, and if so, how we get there, this is part of it. It's ugly and it sucks. It makes normally logical people insane. It sucks.


Saturday, January 5, 2008


I had some blood on the TP this morning.

Not a lot. More like a small clot in some cervical mucous, but most definitely blood.

I didn't freak out at first. I went to the couch and laid. My husband wasn't up yet, so I just waited for him to wake up. When he woke up, I went to lay with him in bed. He asked how I was feeling and I told him there was some spotting this morning.

He said "That's not good, right?"

I explained that some people do have some spotting and it's okay, but that no, it's not generally a good sign.

That's when I lost it. I sobbed & sobbed and asked why this keeps happening to us. We're good people. We'd be great parents. We deserve to be parents. All he could do was agree with me, and hold me.

I have spent the rest of the day in bed just trying to stay off my feet. So far, no more blood. I am (and have been) fairly crampy, though. It's not the crampy of miscarriage, so I hadn't been too concerned, but now I have to wonder if the things are related. Cramping is okay. Spotting is okayish. The two combined aren't great. So, here we are.



Friday, January 4, 2008

Pregnancy #3, beta #2

15dpo: 119
22dpo: 1085
doubling time: 52.7 hours.

It's not a terrible number. It's not a great number. The nurse was unconcerned.

First ultrasound scheduled for 1-14.

And I live in limbo again.