I'm just kind of in one of those points in life where you find yourself thinking "what next..." but not wanting to ask because you really don't want to know. In the grand scheme of things, there is nothing terrible going on. I'm very blessed and I know that.
That being said, Robbie's aging out of his daycare in September. Trying to find a new one that 1) I trust 2) I can afford 3) can handle all of his feeding & therapy issues.. well.. that's a challenge.
I just found out that my hours at work are changing. (They're actually changing the hours of our office.) so I"m now going to be working 1:30-10 instead of 9:30-6. That's quite a change and obviously affects home life quite a lot.
Because of the work changes, I'm actively looking for a new job. Not being able to put Robbie to bed at night makes me cry. A lot. Not seeing my husband... like... EVER? Yeah. That's not good for any of us. Of course, this is the crappiest time in history to look for a new job particularly considering I don't really have enough education to move around easily even in a good job market. (I'm kicking my own ass there, yes. I got 3 associates degrees but never a bachelor's.)
This has delayed our plans to try for another baby. Yes, we've decided to look infertility & preeclampsia in the eye and stomp on their feet. Which was supposed to be starting basically NOW. Not that we've prevented at all since Robbie was born, but you know..with pills & dildo-cams & stick-peeing. Maybe not with temping because frankly, I catch my ovulation every month without having to set a 2nd alarm. But actual trying with actual chances at success.
The reason my hours at work are changing is because we're picking up a bunch of new work. That's all happening while our most-used software system is also transitioning. This is all good in the long run. Progress is good and obviously more work means more job security. But it also means constant training (which, frankly, is lackluster at best.) and spending a good deal of my work day being confused & frustrated.
The bosses are treating the new schedule as though it's a state secret. I think it's just a fun game they like to play. Never mind that we employees could really use more than 1 day to arrange our home-lives. But they will not be reasoned with. (By contract, they must give us our schedules by Thursday at 3pm of the preceding week. I'm told it will be out at 3:00 on Thursday and absolutely no sooner.) This does not improve the morale in the office much. I was lucky to obtain some info on the down-low to know my new hours a day or two earlier.
Basically I spent the largest part of my waking hours being stressed out. I've always coped with that stress by looking forward to the smile on Robbie's face when I get home. He'll still be here, but he'll be sound asleep by then. I'm sadder about that than I can begin to express. But our financial situation doesn't allow me to just up and quit.
Truth be told, I'm not terribly hopeful about finding something that pays even close to my current salary that I'm qualified for. I'm not giving up, but I'm also trying to plan around this new, crappy schedule indefinitely.
I'm trying to focus on the positives. They do exist. I'll get more waking hours with Robbie than I do now. They'll just all be front-loaded. It will be easier to get to appointments. I won't have to take any PTO to go to the doctor or any place with daytime hours. I'll be able to attend a good portion of Robbie's therapy sessions. We will be able to do fun things during the day. Even if Robbie is sick and we need to be home with him, I can probably only burn 1/2 day of vacation because David should be home from work to stay with him before I would need to leave to put in the 2nd half of my hours. There are positives, to be sure.
I know I'm very lucky to have a job at all, let along one that pays well & had good benefits. So I'm trying very hard not to think about missing bedtime 5 nights a week. Or about missing my husband. Or about no family dinners. But it's hard.
I've spent an embarrassing amount of time daydreaming about winning the lottery. My office plays twice a week. The chance does exist. Next to impossible, but hey, I still get my hopes up for a positive pregnancy test each week. I'm nothing if not an optimist. Right?