Thursday, June 10, 2010

Optimism

I'm just kind of in one of those points in life where you find yourself thinking "what next..." but not wanting to ask because you really don't want to know. In the grand scheme of things, there is nothing terrible going on. I'm very blessed and I know that.

That being said, Robbie's aging out of his daycare in September. Trying to find a new one that 1) I trust 2) I can afford 3) can handle all of his feeding & therapy issues.. well.. that's a challenge.

I just found out that my hours at work are changing. (They're actually changing the hours of our office.) so I"m now going to be working 1:30-10 instead of 9:30-6. That's quite a change and obviously affects home life quite a lot.

Because of the work changes, I'm actively looking for a new job. Not being able to put Robbie to bed at night makes me cry. A lot. Not seeing my husband... like... EVER? Yeah. That's not good for any of us. Of course, this is the crappiest time in history to look for a new job particularly considering I don't really have enough education to move around easily even in a good job market. (I'm kicking my own ass there, yes. I got 3 associates degrees but never a bachelor's.)

This has delayed our plans to try for another baby. Yes, we've decided to look infertility & preeclampsia in the eye and stomp on their feet. Which was supposed to be starting basically NOW. Not that we've prevented at all since Robbie was born, but you know..with pills & dildo-cams & stick-peeing. Maybe not with temping because frankly, I catch my ovulation every month without having to set a 2nd alarm. But actual trying with actual chances at success.

 The reason my hours at work are changing is because we're picking up a bunch of new work. That's all happening while our most-used software system is also transitioning. This is all good in the long run. Progress is good and obviously more work means more job security. But it also means constant training (which, frankly, is lackluster at best.) and spending a good deal of my work day being confused & frustrated.

The bosses are treating the new schedule as though it's a state secret. I think it's just a fun game they like to play. Never mind that we employees could really use more than 1 day to arrange our home-lives. But they will not be reasoned with. (By contract, they must give us our schedules by Thursday at 3pm of the preceding week. I'm told it will be out at 3:00 on Thursday and absolutely no sooner.) This does not improve the morale in the office much. I was lucky to obtain some info on the down-low to know my new hours a day or two earlier.

Basically I spent the largest part of my waking hours being stressed out. I've always coped with that stress by looking forward to the smile on Robbie's face when I get home. He'll still be here, but he'll be sound asleep by then. I'm sadder about that than I can begin to express. But our financial situation doesn't allow me to just up and quit.

Truth be told, I'm not terribly hopeful about finding something that pays even close to my current salary that I'm qualified for. I'm not giving up, but I'm also trying to plan around this new, crappy schedule indefinitely.

I'm trying to focus on the positives. They do exist. I'll get more waking hours with Robbie than I do now. They'll just all be front-loaded. It will be easier to get to appointments. I won't have to take any PTO to go to the doctor or any place with daytime hours. I'll be able to attend a good portion of Robbie's therapy sessions. We will be able to do fun things during the day. Even if Robbie is sick and we need to be home with him, I can probably only burn 1/2 day of vacation because David should be home from work to stay with him before I would need to leave to put in the 2nd half of my hours. There are positives, to be sure.

I know I'm very lucky to have a job at all, let along one that pays well & had good benefits. So I'm trying very hard not to think about missing bedtime 5 nights a week. Or about missing my husband. Or about no family dinners. But it's hard.


I've spent an embarrassing amount of time daydreaming about winning the lottery. My office plays twice a week. The chance does exist. Next to impossible, but hey, I still get my hopes up for a positive pregnancy test each week. I'm nothing if not an optimist. Right?

--Trish

13 comments:

Two Hands said...

Oh Trish, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I know how important dinners and tuck-in's are. I will pray that things get better and that you get some opportunities for other work.

gina said...

Well Trish, that just sucks! I will also be praying. I am a FIRM believer in the "everything happens for a reason" statement. Maybe this schedule will open the door to opportunities you never imagined possible. And yes, you are optimistic and that is great! The alternative really sucks and doesn't do anyone any good!

Deep Thinker said...

I know how you feel. I work two jobs that I hate, usually 50-60 hours a week, and still can barely make ends meet. I don't have kids, but my boyfriend does, and I feel like I hardly get to see them OR him. I've been looking for the last two years with no luck. Will be thinking of you.

Laura said...

That is the biggest suck that ever sucked. I"m so sorry. Hopefully the perfect job falls in your lap.

Jen said...

I love optimisim.

ggop said...

Trish,
Love your attitude. I need to whine less and be more like you.

Tasha said...

Adam works from 3 to 11 and I actually enjoy his schedule. I feel like we get more "family time" in and the girls get to see more of him. You will get some quality mommy-robby time, and dad will get some daddy-robby time in. There's always the weekends to be together! We always try to plan something special on Saturdays. Hope that helps...

Tracy said...

((hugs))

You always had a lot of hope and optimism to spare. ;)

I'm sorry, Trishie. This really sucks but I know you'll get through it and make it work.

Searching said...

Luck, shmuck, that seriously sucks and you are well within your rights to whine. Not being there for bedtime IS sad. I know there is no choice at this time and you did point out some very nice things, but you are allowed to moan and cry now and then. I'm really sorry. :( I don't know my schedule till 4:30pm the day before and all hell breaks loose if I dare ask earlier and you can bet there will be a point to change around my pts and give me a crappy day. The not knowing makes it so much worse. If you knew what it would be you could plan, psych yourself up for it. It seems to be such a control game and it's not fair to the peons. Gah. Sending you hugs and sympathy.

Trish said...

Thanks everyone. I wish I could say I'm not more beaten down. The schedule officially came out today and I embarrassed myself by crying. I don't know why, it's not like I didn't know it was coming.
Bedtime is just special to me. I enjoy tucking him in and singing to him.. reading him a story. It's just our thing.
I know there will be an adjustment period but hopefully we can find a better routine. And really hope I can find something new.

Nat said...

I admire you optimism and I know that you will make this work. However, I feel terrible for you and don't downplay what a pain a schedule change like this is. Hang in there girl and give Robbie a kiss for me.

Amy said...

Oh man, I'm sorry. I will definitely be praying for a good solution. Love you!

Azaera said...

That sucks! I know what it feels like to never see your hubby. C and I work opposing shifts, but it's the only way that Skyler can have one of us home at all times. We do little things to remind each other we care. I work early in the morning and get off work at 1, he goes to work at 2:30 until 11pm. So before I go to work in the morning I always write a post it note for him (we have cute flower and heart shaped ones) telling him if I've given Sky his meds, and how much I miss him and the baby.

And then in the evening if I'm awake before he gets home I lay down a blanket on our living room floor and set up some snacks for a picnic (and usually some apple juice or something in a wine glass, just for a cute touch) and we have some wind down time together where I ask him about his day and whatnot before we go to bed.

It's not ideal but it keeps you from feeling like you never talk or see each other. The disconnect can get awful if you don't keep up with each other.

As for the little guy, try to make some new routines in the morning that you guys can do each day. It won't replace bedtime, but at least you will have something to look forward to. I hope something I've said helps a little bit. You'll get through this, it might suck for a bit, but you guys are strong hopefully something better will come along for you soon.

*hugs*