When I wrote my last post, I wasn't sure if I should. It had been several days of media blitz about the trial verdict and it was really swirling in my head a lot. It brought up a lot of bad memories. There were some nightmares, some I remembered, so I just woke up with that ghost-of-skeeve feeling. Finally I decided that I needed to do something to cleanse my mind. For me, the best thing I can do is to write it out. I write it on on paper (or computer) and write it out of my head. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. If it would even make any sense. Some posts, I sit down knowing what I'm going to say. Some posts, I just stare at the screen and watch what my fingers type as though they are a separate entity. That post was one of the latter.
Even after I had written it, I wasn't sure I would publish it. I rarely write blog posts and keep them to myself. I'm just not a terribly private person and if I take the time to write something, I'm usually prepared to share it. I don't write to be a professional mom-blogger or writer or to gain celebrity. (As I'm sure is evidenced by my multitudes of rambling contentless posts!) I rarely even re-read before I hit publish. I'll hit spell-check and fix those, but that's about as far as it goes. Basically I write for myself and if it helps or interests anyone else along the way, all the better.
This one, though, I did re-read it. The words really just flowed from me almost without thought. They were clearly the words of grief that had been swirling in my head since the media picked up the Sandusky case. Obviously they had longed to be free even more than I realized. After I reread it, I thought about deleting it. Or saving it just for myself. Or just sharing it privately with a few trusted friends and my therapist. But ultimately I thought to myself "you know, the one thing I've always tried to do is to be honest and transparent. No matter how ugly it is, I've shared it. I'm not going to stop now." and I hit "publish." Then I took a few deep breaths.
I shared with friends that I'd written and published it and was nervous about it. If someone had said something awful, I'm not sure I could have handled it. I'm pretty thick-skinned (HEY, NO FAT JOKES!) most of the time, but this is a would that is still very raw. Fortunately everyone was wonderful and caring and supportive. I got a few texts of support on top of the comments. It was touching.
And then...I got an email. From an editor at BlogHer. She would like to syndicate this post and pay me for my trouble. Would I accept that?
WELL HELL YES I WOULD!
So I did. It took me a few days to fill out the paperwork (I went back to work in the mean time. Chaos! More on that later!) but it's now up. I was so touched and honored that something I wrote spoke to anyone, especially someone who actually know what they're doing. It was definitely some lemonade made out of the lemons of my emotions.
So, without further ado, I give you the link:
http://www.blogher.com/sandusky
Thanks for reading and thanks for the support. Truly.
--Trish
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6 comments:
Congratulations Trish! I'm sure the side effects of such abuse are long lasting. And you know you are not alone. Most victims are too ashamed to speak up.
Even if one reader feels they are not alone and they will come out ok after sexual abuse it is worth it! (I mean sharing your story)
Trish,
I've been reading almost since Robbie was born but I've never commented. On blogs I read, I always want to but never do and I have no idea why, but with you, I feel as though anything I say cannot relate. I've never been through all that you have, so as stupid as it is, I have stayed silent. When you first posted about anxiety issues I did compose a comment - a big one - but I never sent it to you and I am just such a procrastinator! But I have and still do struggle with anxiety, anxiety attacks and panic attacks and I take Paxil, so I finally found something I could contribute to! And then I was lazy. :) Anyway, that's another subject for another time.
What I wanted to say about this is you are amazing and amazingly brave at that. I was abused in 3rd grade by a peer, and other than telling you this now, I have only told two people about it at all. This event was contained to just that year and it is not nearly as long and horrible as what you went through, but up until a few years ago it still affected me horribly. Once I start up counseling again here soon, I know it is something I finally have to deal with but I don't know if I will ever be able to share it as you have. What this says about you is again, that you are brave and courageous. I don't know if you realize this, but you sharing your story is very important to everyone who has ever gone through something like this or is still going through it. You sharing may inspire someone to get help, and if even just one person gets help because of reading your story, then I hope you realize that it is worth it.
I am sorry you were put through that; it is disgusting that there are people out there who do things like this to others. Thank you for sharing with all of us Trish. You are an amazing woman, a wonderful mother and a loving wife.
Here's hoping this is the end of my laziness and not my first and last comment!
Mel
I did think it was an amazing piece of writing too. Thank you so much for sharing with everyone, even if it is very painful. Someone will read this and maybe finally start talking and getting help for their own situation.
You are an amazing writer, Trish, and a super momma! Your words are going to open so many eyes and change so many lives. You deserve all the best!
Through a series of seemingly unrelated events, I paid and committed today to becoming a radKIDS instructor. (You can check out radkids.org They spun off from the RAD organization which is for women.) At any rate, this is a bit of a leap of faith for me as I want to set up a sustainable program for my community (translate: a lot of hard work) Reading your post was one of my pushes to make this leap. (So the effects of you personally sharing, are having a ripple effect....)
Trish - you are awesome. Love to you!!!!
~ Alicia
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