When I wrote my last post, I wasn't sure if I should. It had been several days of media blitz about the trial verdict and it was really swirling in my head a lot. It brought up a lot of bad memories. There were some nightmares, some I remembered, so I just woke up with that ghost-of-skeeve feeling. Finally I decided that I needed to do something to cleanse my mind. For me, the best thing I can do is to write it out. I write it on on paper (or computer) and write it out of my head. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. If it would even make any sense. Some posts, I sit down knowing what I'm going to say. Some posts, I just stare at the screen and watch what my fingers type as though they are a separate entity. That post was one of the latter.
Even after I had written it, I wasn't sure I would publish it. I rarely write blog posts and keep them to myself. I'm just not a terribly private person and if I take the time to write something, I'm usually prepared to share it. I don't write to be a professional mom-blogger or writer or to gain celebrity. (As I'm sure is evidenced by my multitudes of rambling contentless posts!) I rarely even re-read before I hit publish. I'll hit spell-check and fix those, but that's about as far as it goes. Basically I write for myself and if it helps or interests anyone else along the way, all the better.
This one, though, I did re-read it. The words really just flowed from me almost without thought. They were clearly the words of grief that had been swirling in my head since the media picked up the Sandusky case. Obviously they had longed to be free even more than I realized. After I reread it, I thought about deleting it. Or saving it just for myself. Or just sharing it privately with a few trusted friends and my therapist. But ultimately I thought to myself "you know, the one thing I've always tried to do is to be honest and transparent. No matter how ugly it is, I've shared it. I'm not going to stop now." and I hit "publish." Then I took a few deep breaths.
I shared with friends that I'd written and published it and was nervous about it. If someone had said something awful, I'm not sure I could have handled it. I'm pretty thick-skinned (HEY, NO FAT JOKES!) most of the time, but this is a would that is still very raw. Fortunately everyone was wonderful and caring and supportive. I got a few texts of support on top of the comments. It was touching.
And then...I got an email. From an editor at BlogHer. She would like to syndicate this post and pay me for my trouble. Would I accept that?
WELL HELL YES I WOULD!
So I did. It took me a few days to fill out the paperwork (I went back to work in the mean time. Chaos! More on that later!) but it's now up. I was so touched and honored that something I wrote spoke to anyone, especially someone who actually know what they're doing. It was definitely some lemonade made out of the lemons of my emotions.
So, without further ado, I give you the link:
Thanks for reading and thanks for the support. Truly.