Tonight I got off work early and didn't tell anyone. I left. I got gas, cleaned out the car, went to a restaurant and ate by myself, went shopping for nothing and then spent a solid hour at the bookstore. Alone. Two and a half hours where I didn't rush to get home or answer to anyone.
I eventually called my husband and told him I wasn't at work. He seemed confused but okay with it.
When I got home, Charlotte was wailing. David was trying to resettle her without success. I took over for a while, also without success. Then he took over again while I went to talk to Robbie a bit.
I don't even know what to say about Robbie. He's pee-trained but still not poop and lately he's been holding it for bedtime, pooping in his diaper and then taking the diaper off himself. Fortunately he's smart enough not to smear it everywhere but it's still not pleasant to walk into.
After cleaning Robbie up and resettling him, Charlotte still wailing in the other room the whole time, I pulled out one of my bookstore purchases on sleep. Before I could finish the chapter I needed, David came to tag out. And gave me a guilt trip about how he hasn't had a break in 16 hours. I refrained from commenting and just came back to take a turn. It's currently 11:30 and she's still going. I don't know what to do.
The lack of sleep in the house is affecting our marriage. David will help until he goes to bed around midnight, but after that, it's me. He's off duty until he gets home from work the next day. She still eats about every 3 hours all night long.
On Saturday I let David sleep until 10am and then asked if I could get 15 minute nap. He couldn't deal with the kids by himself for 15 minutes. After a long day of sniping at each other, he told he he's "always tired." I pretty much told him I had nothing left to to give. I take all night duty, all morning duty and all weekend duty. I simply couldn't do any more. He agreed that I'm doing a lot.
But then on nights like tonight, he purposely makes me feel guilty for going and doing something for myself, even though in the grand scheme of things, I was home almost an hour EARLIER than usual.
I know we're both tired and it makes everything seem more serious. I'm trying to remember to that we pretty much hated each other (or maybe I just hated him) for Robbie's first year and we eventually liked each other again. This too shall pass.
But right now, I'm tired and unhappy. And I'd really appreciate it if my baby would GO TO SLEEP.
--Trish
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8 comments:
And I thought I was the only one who did the sneaking out of work early thing.
Though what I usually do (and my kids are in daycare full time, which makes it possible) is to go home and take a nap.
Hugs.
Don't let him spoil your moment. I am sure he is tired too, what parents aren't? But even if he didn't like your little escape you should still enjoy the heck out of it. :)
:( I'm sorry, pumpkin. Really really praying that Charlotte will start sleeping longer stretches.
Still better than being infertile though, huh?
I'm glad you finally got your babies ( boy AND girl no less) - but what I don't get is why the hell you're now COMPLAINING about lack of sleep and having no time for yourself?! Isn't this what YOU wanted? What in the hell did you think young kids was going to be?
I probably must sound like a complete bitch but I still don't get it. Its like you forgot all the pain and heartache you went thru to get here. If I was you I'd be kissing those sleepless babies every nite and thanking my lucky stars! Do you know how LUCKY you are?
Sorry, i'm just another one of those bitter infertiles whose just coming off her IUI #6 BFN after 1 failed IVF with eggs so bad they move me backwards into IUI's (thats how I found your blog searching for multiple IUI failures and some hope!)
Anonymous,
Yes, definitely better than being infertile. I truly hope that someday you do get the joy that I have.
I don't begrudge you your bitterness. I was the same way.
Please know that I adore my babies and do kiss them a lot. (Please see the post before this one about the midnight picnic.)
That being said, sleep deprivation is a very real thing. You can't be a good mom when you're falling asleep. I literally fall asleep driving. I'm scared I'm going to kill the babies I fought so hard for when I fall asleep at the wheel.
Being a good mom doesn't mean needing or wanting to be awake and smooching them 24/7. Everyone needs a break.
Hey Trish
Have you tried the sleep lady at St Lukes? Nancy Birkenmeier. She is amazing.
Thanks for the kind words Trish!
On the one hand i'm happy for people who get their BFP after struggle ( the ones who had it easy- not so much!)
I really hate the person all of these multiple ttc failures has turned me into. I never used to be this way. It makes me sad and at the same time I cant seem to help myself. :(
I also hate the word "barren" - like my wah-hoo is some dry,parched desert where nothing grows.
At least you can relate - that means a lot.
P.S. any tips on what you did different for the the sticky BFP's? It seemed like the late bfp were crap and the 12 dpo BFP were good?
I wish I knew the magic answer. Yeah, both my late BFPs were not good. My earlier ones were better. Of course, I could point you to a dozen people with late BFPs that turned into real live babies, so it's hard to say either way.
For Robbie, I was doing baby aspirin, extra folic acid and acupuncture. Was that what worked or was it luck? Who knows.
I did the aspirin and folic acid with Charlotte as well.
I hope that you get your sticky baby. I still have some bitterness (with some extra thrown in for people who can manage to carry theirs full term) but the kids have really healed a LOT of it.
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