My attempts at taking this pregnancy one day at a time are mostly working. You know, between freak outs, anyway.
Yesterday was a rough day. To be honest, I just don't feel pregnant. My boobs are sore and my period is late, but really, that's about it for symptoms. I've had a few waves of nausea but that could be anything from indigestion to over thinking. It's not that I want to feel like shit, it's just that I feel.. well.. good. And that's weird.
I considered called and asking to move my 2nd beta up by a day. Honestly, scheduling wise, it would be preferable not to do it on Thursday, but it's not that I can't, it's just that I won't work as much overtime that day. (Been working 12 hour days most days.) After I thought about it a while, and yeah, peed on another mystery stick (very positive), I talked myself back out of it.
The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what the beta shows. If it's bad, well, it's obviously bad. Nothing will change that. And even if it's good, well, that doesn't really matter either because I've had good betas that ended in dead babies before. I assume my first ultrasound will be in the days after Easter, but even if that looks good, that's not the all clear. I've seen heartbeats at 6.5 weeks before- three times. The first two times still ended before the 1st trimester was over.
And even if I get to 10 weeks or 12 or 20, I've never seen a 3rd trimester. I will not really breathe freely until a healthy baby is in my arms at home. I'm just not great at pregnancy. I guess not everyone can be. There is no blood test or pee stick that can tell me what tomorrow will bring. God did not promise any of us a tomorrow, so we better hold on to today.
Some days I can wake up and remind myself of that and be okay for the day, and some days I need to remind myself hourly. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. I know how lucky I am to have today. Worrying constantly (I mean, I can worry a little sometimes, right?) about what might happen tomorrow is not honoring the blessing of pregnancy I have been given.So I'm taking a deep breath, and cherishing today. I know too well it might be all we have.
P.S. A friend of mine gave birth to her son quite unexpectedly yesterday. She was exactly 29 weeks pregnant. Baby Tristan is doing as well as can be expected in the NICU, but could always use some extra prayers. And if you see preeclampsia running around, please aim for the neck. I'm out for blood.