Thursday, June 16, 2011

See Spot, Run

When I was pregnant with Robbie, I spotted. A lot. Not a lot of blood necessarily, just all. the. freaking. time. It sucked. After I'd call the doctor for the 10th time, I'd go to the unoccupied 3rd floor and work and call my husband, wailing into the phone "Why does this keep happening?" He would try to calm me down, but I felt like I was living in a constant state of terror, wondering if this Spot was The Spot of Doom.

So when I got pregnant this time, I faithfully inspected the toilet paper at each bathroom break, preparing for the worst. But Spot didn't come. Not at 5, or 6 or 10 weeks.
Around about the 12 week mark, I stopped inspected and started glancing.

On Monday, I had to double glance. Surely that's not...... but it was. Just the faintest streak in some cervical fluid. Fuck.

I told myself to chill out. It was so very, very little. There are explanations. I just saw the baby on an ultrasound seven days prior. The baby is fine. Right? I decided I wasn't call. There's nothing they can do anyway. Just go to the doctor at the next visit and it will be fine. But that's three weeks away. It'll be fine.

Of course, after several hours (and bathroom breaks to check for more- all negative.) I decided wringing my hands for three weeks was dumb. I'd just call the doctor and see what they said. They would tell me it was nothing and then I would be fine.

The nurse called back and said they'd like to see me. Just to be sure. I was at work and really not in the best position to be able to leave right then, so I opted to be seen Tuesday morning.

I spent the rest of the day arguing with myself. I felt like instead of having an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, I had anxiety on one and reason on the other. It was neck-and-neck all day.

When I got into the u/s room we saw the baby right away. Very still. My heart stopped. Oh no. And then......he waved. (Don't get excited. I'm using "he" generically. We won't be finding out the sex before birth.) I said "moving!" and she said yes, heart looked good and immediately let me listen. Heart rate 161 bpm. She commented how he seemed to be waving. I said "hi baby! now please behave!"

I left the office with a spring in my step, determined to leave anxiety behind. And hopefully Spot, too.



Bridie said...

Ugh! So sorry that everything you have been through turns pregnancy into such an anxious time. When I was pregnant with Gavin, I was blissfully ignorant for the first 12 or so weeks that I knew I was pregnant - because the doctors - specialists even! - had convinced me that our prior 18 week loss was just a "fluke".

So for 3 months I was unemcumbered by stress and worry and could just enjoy being pregnant. So having experienced a teensy bit of non-stress pregnancy, and a whole lot of weeks of super stress - I would give anything to give you just a taste of that worry free existence. Big hugs!*only* 23 weeks left right :)

Azaera said...

I'm glad baby waved!

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Heather said...

Hang in there. Love the waving!!! Keep us updated. We want to know that everything is going well.

PurpleDogMommy said...

Awww, girl...I feel you, I do. I'm SO glad you went in to be seen (and see your little one). So glad all is ok!