4 years

I took the full dose of Paxil this morning. It's been a little better, but not great. Tonight I have the oddest sensation that I'm forgetting to worry about something. I'll think "oh yeah, I forgot..." "oh now, wait.. I did that.." Like my brain really wants to be worried, but it can't quite figure out where to put that worry.

Hoping that a few more days of full dose Paxil put me back on the right side of sane.


In other news, today is the 4 year anniversary of Robbie's NICU homecoming. I do think that this milestone is contributing to my anxiety. It's a stupid thing to be anxious about, I know, but I think it just dredges up so many emotions and sets off some PTSD.

(I've been trying to do my PTSD exercises per my therapist, but so far they're not helping much. I contacted my therapist today, will have a session by week's end. Hopefully she can knock some sense into me.)

It's so odd to know that four years ago, Robbie felt like a visitor. I loved him and was even bonded to him a little, but I still kept waiting for someone to knock on the door and ask for their baby back. He was still tiny, under 4.5 pounds. It was a really profound life changing moment for us.

I wish I could have had a snapshot of him today on that day. I was so worried about everything, wondering what he'd be like. Would he be smart? Cute? Happy? Funny? Turns out, he's all of those things. He's also stubborn and bossy, but he's the best big brother in the world, and an amazing son. We've come a long way.