Monday, October 29, 2012


I am so out of the writing mode these days.
Life has been hectic, but that's really no excuse. Writing is a good outlet. I just need to get back in the habit. I think I'm going to challenge myself to 30 in 30 for November. Force myself to write SOMETHING every day. Even if it's "my apple at lunch today was a little mushy." Not riveting, but it's something, right?

As for what has been hectic, it's mostly the kids.

Robbie is doing great. He's Spiderman for Halloween and he loves his costume. (Store-bought, whatever. I don't sew.) He drug it into bed this morning as soon as he got up. "Mommy, put my mask on!" It's cute.

He's still mouthy and stubborn, but also sweet and adorable. And I think 4 is better than 3 was, so I'll take it. He still will not poop in the potty and I'm totally out of ideas to make it happen, so I mostly am just going with it.

Charlotte is blowing my mind every day. She'll be 1 in 2 weeks and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. She's so funny. She's not talking much (a few words- "cat" "momma" "dadda" "hi!") but the girl is everywhere. She is still a very hesitant walker, but she climbs You try to strap her into a high chair or cart and she figures out how to slide out of the belt and stands up anyway. Fortunately she's really tough and has to really hit hard to cry about falling.

She's starting to make a little progress on sleeping. Several nights this week I got a 5 hour stretch out of her once at night. I'm still a walking zombie but at least we're moving forward.

Money has been really tight. Like, REALLY tight. It's just been one of those years. I took a 6 month unpaid leave from work to stay home with Charlotte. And then the house has just been one thing after another. (Water heater, sump pump, drain, roof etc.) and our savings did not last as I'd hoped. We're in the process of trying to do a rate adjustment on the mortgage. We're not upside down, but we're probably about even. We'd love to move but the realty crash just isn't allowing that. So, ya know. We're broke. Not poor, just broke.

Marriage wise, I think we're doing okay. I think a baby is the hardest thing on a marriage and that was no exception for us this year. David misses me because I'm in mom mode so much. I resent him for not helping at night. We come together on most things, but there are always tense days that remind us of the "..or worse" part of our wedding vows.

Personally, I'm okay. My anxiety issues have been mostly controlled. I'm still struggling to lose the weight I gained when I started Paxil. And I feel really bad about myself having gotten SO fat again. And then I feel bad about feeling bad because I've never been one to have poor body image. I knew my lot in life, but I also didn't hate myself for it. Right now.. well.. I'm depressed about it.

I hope to wean Charlotte in the early spring and then really focus on dieting more. Right now every time I try to really cut my calories, my milk supply really wanes, so that's not so good for me. I do need to get more exercise, though. I'm really hoping losing some of the weight I gained will get my blood pressure back down again. It's controlled on the meds I'm on, but I'd love to not need them as well.

All in all, I think we're just living a pretty average American life. I know how lucky we are, even on the days when I want to pull my hair out. I wish I could take a snap-shot of my life right now and send it to myself around the time of miscarriage number 1. Or 2. Or even right after Robbie was born.
This would have looked like heaven. And it sort of is.


Monday, October 8, 2012


I feel like the days are speeding past me like a freight train. Charlotte is going to be a year old in a month and it seriously feels like she should be about 4 months old.

She's doing amazing. She's not walking, but she's at that point where I just keep waiting for it to happen. She does a lot of standing w/o support. She can even shake toys and stay up if she doesn't realize she's doing it. She climbs around like a monkey. Honestly, she's giving me gray hair. Robbie never, ever did the things she's doing. Yes, he couldn't do a lot of them (he was just started to sit up unassisted at this age) but it just never would have occured to him to climb out around the buckle on the highchair and dive across the table.

She will eat or drink anything. Seriously, don't leave anything unattended, you'll lose it. She has 3 teeth, but she can take bite and chew and swallow surprising things. She's been off of baby food for a few months already. She's had a little bit of cow's milk just to get used to it (verdict: YUM.) though is still nursing as well. She really likes water. She's had just a little bit of watered down pear juice when she was a little constipated, but I hope not to get her started on juice at all, really. Oh, and she takes all of the above from a straw. I'm not even sure how she learned that. Just one day, she grabbed a straw and took a sip. Well, okay then.

On a micropreemie board I was once a member of, someone who had a termie after a 23 weeker once said "These termies practically raise themselves." I completely understand that sentiment. That's not to negate how much work termies are, but the fact that Charlotte learned to sit, stand, roll over, eat, drink, crawl, climb, say a few words, all without anyone actually trying to teach her those things is amazing. Robbie was having 4-5 therapy sessions a week at this point of his life. And between therapy sessions, we sat in the floor and showed him over and over and over again where to place his legs to roll, smeared food on his lips so he'd taste them and prayed he'd like something.

Tonight at dinner, I put one hand on Charlotte's head to keep her in her highchair so that I could take a bite with the other hand. The girl can not be contained.

She's starting to get a bit of attitude. When you tell her no, or take something away, she yells back. They aren't words, yet, but backtalk is universal.

she's still not sleeping for shit. Every 3 hours, like clockwork, she's up. Sometimes (like tonight) it's more often. I usually am good to get her back down in her crib until about 3am, then I'm so tired, I give up and she sleeps with me until morning. If I slept well with her next to me, I'd just co-bed full time. It really is so much easier when she's in bed with me. When she wants to nurse, I don't even have to really wake up, and neither does she.
But I just don't sleep well with her next to me. I can't move to get comfortable, I'm always waking to check and make sure she's not crawling off the bed (and sometimes she does!) or buried in the pillow or whatever. She's safest in her crib, I sleep better when she's in her crib but she's yet to spend a whole night there. She does genuinely seem to be hungry every 3 hours. 95% of the time, she wakes, eats very quickly and very well and goes straight back to sleep. I don't think (most of the time) she's trying to manipulate her way into my bed, but either way, that's where she ends up. And I'm at a loss about what to do about it. I just try to catch a nap where I can and rely heavily on caffeine in the morning.

Robbie's doing amazing. Having a nanny was the best decision we ever made. She comes with a curriculum every week and Robbie is learning SO much. He blows me away all the time. Lately he's been telling me he loves me a lot. I waited a long time to hear those words from him and they still make my heart grow every time he says them. He also adores his sister. He gets frustrated when she takes his toys or food or whatever, but mostly he is very patient with her and if he gets in trouble, it's usually for hugging her too much.

I would gush some more, but the aforementioned non-sleeper is awake again. This is why I can't write these days. Every time I sit down and try, someone cries. If this is the worst thing I have to complain about, I'm doing pretty well...