I am so out of the writing mode these days.
Life has been hectic, but that's really no excuse. Writing is a good outlet. I just need to get back in the habit. I think I'm going to challenge myself to 30 in 30 for November. Force myself to write SOMETHING every day. Even if it's "my apple at lunch today was a little mushy." Not riveting, but it's something, right?
As for what has been hectic, it's mostly the kids.
Robbie is doing great. He's Spiderman for Halloween and he loves his costume. (Store-bought, whatever. I don't sew.) He drug it into bed this morning as soon as he got up. "Mommy, put my mask on!" It's cute.
He's still mouthy and stubborn, but also sweet and adorable. And I think 4 is better than 3 was, so I'll take it. He still will not poop in the potty and I'm totally out of ideas to make it happen, so I mostly am just going with it.
Charlotte is blowing my mind every day. She'll be 1 in 2 weeks and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. She's so funny. She's not talking much (a few words- "cat" "momma" "dadda" "hi!") but the girl is everywhere. She is still a very hesitant walker, but she climbs ev.er.y.thing. You try to strap her into a high chair or cart and she figures out how to slide out of the belt and stands up anyway. Fortunately she's really tough and has to really hit hard to cry about falling.
She's starting to make a little progress on sleeping. Several nights this week I got a 5 hour stretch out of her once at night. I'm still a walking zombie but at least we're moving forward.
Money has been really tight. Like, REALLY tight. It's just been one of those years. I took a 6 month unpaid leave from work to stay home with Charlotte. And then the house has just been one thing after another. (Water heater, sump pump, drain, roof etc.) and our savings did not last as I'd hoped. We're in the process of trying to do a rate adjustment on the mortgage. We're not upside down, but we're probably about even. We'd love to move but the realty crash just isn't allowing that. So, ya know. We're broke. Not poor, just broke.
Marriage wise, I think we're doing okay. I think a baby is the hardest thing on a marriage and that was no exception for us this year. David misses me because I'm in mom mode so much. I resent him for not helping at night. We come together on most things, but there are always tense days that remind us of the "..or worse" part of our wedding vows.
Personally, I'm okay. My anxiety issues have been mostly controlled. I'm still struggling to lose the weight I gained when I started Paxil. And I feel really bad about myself having gotten SO fat again. And then I feel bad about feeling bad because I've never been one to have poor body image. I knew my lot in life, but I also didn't hate myself for it. Right now.. well.. I'm depressed about it.
I hope to wean Charlotte in the early spring and then really focus on dieting more. Right now every time I try to really cut my calories, my milk supply really wanes, so that's not so good for me. I do need to get more exercise, though. I'm really hoping losing some of the weight I gained will get my blood pressure back down again. It's controlled on the meds I'm on, but I'd love to not need them as well.
All in all, I think we're just living a pretty average American life. I know how lucky we are, even on the days when I want to pull my hair out. I wish I could take a snap-shot of my life right now and send it to myself around the time of miscarriage number 1. Or 2. Or even right after Robbie was born.
This would have looked like heaven. And it sort of is.