Not even an evaporation line. One thing I can say - My negatives are always very clear.
I knew it. My temp this morning was 97.2. It was freezing at my MIL's house but my pregnant temp is a full degree higher than that. I expect the bitch (Aunt Flow, that is.) any time between now and Tuesday.
Honestly, it's been a rough weekend. My MIL didn't talk about it too much. Didn't mention the miscarriage at all. Not really a huge surprise. She did once ask "How are things with that?" This was in the midst of a random conversation so I didn't know what she meant for a second. When she looked uncomfortably, I knew what she meant. But I still made her say it. I was really cranky this weekend and felt cruel.
"With what?" I asked.
"With your......infertilization."
Yeah. Infertilization. And it's mine. All mine.
I toyed with a few responses. Most of them were angry and bitter. Instead I sighed and said "Well, I'm still not pregnant so....."
Not to be troubled with the ugly parts, she quickly changed the subject.
I'm a hypocrite. I know I am. I didn't want to talk about it. I don't want her to know we're doing IUI again. But it still bothered me that she didn't ask. That she seems so embarrassed about it.
This is the woman who, when told that her son's sperm were screwy, said "Well, I just can't believe that.. I mean, we couldn't keep from getting pregnant and you'd think if his dad's..."
I interrupted, "I assure you, it's true. And fertility isn't genetic. And if you'll recall, [FIL] was told that you guys would never have children because of his prostate problems. You guys got lucky."
I really don't know if she was calling the doctors (or me) liars or was just expressing surprise. She's not a mean or vindictive woman but she does have a tendency to think her boys can do no wrong. And she sees this as "wrong."
We weren't going to tell her about any of it. But the IUI that got us pregnant was on Thanksgiving Day and she was at our house. It's hard to come up with an excuse to leave the house for a couple of hours on T-day morning. So I told her the whole thing.
When we found out we were pregnant we wanted to wait and tell her in person. She called and asked and David lied. It was almost Christmas and we wanted to give her an "I love my grandma" sweatshirt. He felt bad about the lie, but it was for a worthy cause.
The day we told her we were pregnant she called everyone she knew. EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION went like this:
MIL: Hi.
*pause*
MIL: Good. Guess what I got for Christmas.
*pause*
*pause*
MIL: YES!!!
*pause*
MIL: HE LIED! But it's okay. They wanted to tell me in person.
So he had told ALL of these people than 1) we're infertile. 2) we had an IUI and 3) it failed. Thanks for the discretion.
I won't even discuss the fact that she had to call all these people to tell them I miscarried. She chose to tell them. Since I haven't seen anyone since then I haven't had to deal with it. But my plan is that the first person who asks me about it is going to get the litany of what we've been through. That'll fix 'em.
But, you can see why I don't really want to tell her where we stand. I know she means well but she just stresses me out. She's one of those women who conceived two sons in spite of birth control and the fact that her husband shouldn't have been able to sire children. David was born 15 months after they married and his brother 15 months after that.
She says, without embarrassment, that "David was a broken condom. [BIL] was foam."
Despite my MIL not saying much, she still managed to annoy me. I mentioned I'm cranky. I've had very little sleep for three days straight. Three days is my insomnia threshold. That's when I get cranky.
At church today I seemed to be surrounded by pregnant women and newborns. One of the hymns we sang contained the lyrics "What a joy it is to hold a newborn baby." I know I'm going to hell, but I stopped singing and thought "ahh fuck you."
Then I prayed for God to take the anger away. Today, it's not going so well. I know it's mostly that I'm tired. I can feel it. But knowing it doesn't change it.
I just seem to find bitterness at every turn.
As we came home from church, the doorbell rang. It was some friend of my MIL's coming to visit after church. She brought her two children. One of them a baby. I hid in the bedroom.
Saturday afternoon, two of David's closest friends wanted to come talk to us. I was nervous. They're nice people, but hippies, and you just never know what they're going to say. Turns out they want us to be their son's guardian should they both perish. We agreed. I was honestly touched. They know we don't share a lot of their parenting ideas but trust us to raise their son as best we can.
But I was also a little bitter. Good enough for their son, but not my own.
Later that night, David hosted a dinner party for all his hometown friends. I hung out with one of the wives and their 2 year old daughter. We had a nice time. But again, it seemed to twist the knife just a little. When she was scolded for playing with a lamp, she ran to me for comfort. When she got sleepy, she climbed into my lap and rested her head on my breast. All I could do was wonder if I'd ever hold my own child the same way.
But, it's over. Tonight I'll sleep in my own bed and tomorrow will be a new day. When my period starts, I'll call the doctor. More drugs. More swollen ovaries. More painful probing. I'll hang on to the memory of my friend's daughter reaching for me as a glimpse at what we're working for.
--Trish
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Friday, April 6, 2007
So hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard
It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
These are some of the lyrics to a Dixie Chicks song. "So Hard." Two of the girls conceived via IVF. This is a song about their struggles through infertility.
I bought the CD. Not so much because I wanted it. I could have bought the song for 99 cents on Itunes. But I wanted to support the cause. So many people walk around with such secrecy and shame. I really appreciate their honesty about something that is so filled with shame and misconception. (ha ha.. no pun intended.)
I had David pick the CD up for me the other day. I'm just sitting down to really listen to it. So far, it's a decent CD. I actually really like the controversial song "Not ready to back down." I think it's a good anthem.
Whether you agree or disagree with the politics of the Chicks, the idea of standing up and being heard is still a great one. And the great thing about art is that it's subjective. You can take from it whatever suits you.
Then I played "So hard" and I began to sob. I actually wasn't expecting it. I mean, I'd listened to the song online and read the lyrics many times. But somehow I was just overwhelmed. As I sit here still listening, tears are streaming down my face.
I'm not even sure what I'm crying about. It's probably just PMS. Ha ha.
Tomorrow we're off to my mother-in-law's house. I have to work until 6 and then we'll drive down. It'll be the first time I've seen her since the miscarriage. David's visited his mom a couple of times since then, but I've managed to have to be somewhere else each time.
She was as good as you could really hope for when we lost the baby. She tried to be supportive but I just couldn't handle her, to be honest.
I had a lot of guilt about the pain that both she and my dad experienced. I sort of wished we hadn't told them I was pregnant. I know that's not really fair. My MIL (mother in law) and my dad are both really great, loving, supportive parents. There's no reason to deny them or ourselves their support in tough times. But when my dad said "Is there anything I can do?" and I said "No.. there's really not." And he said in this broken voice "There SHOULD BE SOMETHING I CAN DO." it broke my heart even more than it already was. He just wanted to fix it and it just wasn't possible.
When my MIL said she wished she was here with us, my honest thought was that I was glad she wasn't.
In those days after we knew the baby was died and just after the D&C, all I wanted was David. The notion of trying to entertain anyone, to have to make small talk and be okay was just too much for me. I needed to sob at will. Not that she'd have ever wanted me to fake it.. but in the end, I'd have felt pressured to do so. There are very few people in the world I feel like I can truly be myself around. No self-censoring, no holds-barred. They are my husband, my father and my best friend Karin.
I'm not allowed to cuss in front of my in-laws. You may have noticed already that I have a fairly foul mouth. It's a vice, I know. But it's one I enjoy. And I had plenty to cuss about just then.
She's the type that will offer platitudes. And have lots of questions. The platitudes anger me. Please don't tell me that it was "for the best because it means something was wrong with the baby." I'd have loved him anyway. And please don't tell me I can have another. I wanted this one. And please don't that things happen for a reason. When you can tell me what that reason is, I'll accept that. I know they're meant well, but truly, the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry. It's not fair." Nothing takes the pain away but to know that you feel for me.. that helps. Everything else is just frustrating.
As for the questions, I don't mind so much. Anyone who knows me knows that I really love to educate people. Particularly in this area since the subject is so personal to me. But sometimes the questions just have no answers.
And I know she hurts. She's been ready for grand kids for a long time. She was beyond elated when we announced the pregnancy. I know she's sad- both for us and for herself. And as selfish as it is, sometimes handling other people's pain is just too much. I'm barely handling my own.
So.. we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I know she cares. And that's a lot.
Happy Easter, everyone.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard
It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
These are some of the lyrics to a Dixie Chicks song. "So Hard." Two of the girls conceived via IVF. This is a song about their struggles through infertility.
I bought the CD. Not so much because I wanted it. I could have bought the song for 99 cents on Itunes. But I wanted to support the cause. So many people walk around with such secrecy and shame. I really appreciate their honesty about something that is so filled with shame and misconception. (ha ha.. no pun intended.)
I had David pick the CD up for me the other day. I'm just sitting down to really listen to it. So far, it's a decent CD. I actually really like the controversial song "Not ready to back down." I think it's a good anthem.
Whether you agree or disagree with the politics of the Chicks, the idea of standing up and being heard is still a great one. And the great thing about art is that it's subjective. You can take from it whatever suits you.
Then I played "So hard" and I began to sob. I actually wasn't expecting it. I mean, I'd listened to the song online and read the lyrics many times. But somehow I was just overwhelmed. As I sit here still listening, tears are streaming down my face.
I'm not even sure what I'm crying about. It's probably just PMS. Ha ha.
Tomorrow we're off to my mother-in-law's house. I have to work until 6 and then we'll drive down. It'll be the first time I've seen her since the miscarriage. David's visited his mom a couple of times since then, but I've managed to have to be somewhere else each time.
She was as good as you could really hope for when we lost the baby. She tried to be supportive but I just couldn't handle her, to be honest.
I had a lot of guilt about the pain that both she and my dad experienced. I sort of wished we hadn't told them I was pregnant. I know that's not really fair. My MIL (mother in law) and my dad are both really great, loving, supportive parents. There's no reason to deny them or ourselves their support in tough times. But when my dad said "Is there anything I can do?" and I said "No.. there's really not." And he said in this broken voice "There SHOULD BE SOMETHING I CAN DO." it broke my heart even more than it already was. He just wanted to fix it and it just wasn't possible.
When my MIL said she wished she was here with us, my honest thought was that I was glad she wasn't.
In those days after we knew the baby was died and just after the D&C, all I wanted was David. The notion of trying to entertain anyone, to have to make small talk and be okay was just too much for me. I needed to sob at will. Not that she'd have ever wanted me to fake it.. but in the end, I'd have felt pressured to do so. There are very few people in the world I feel like I can truly be myself around. No self-censoring, no holds-barred. They are my husband, my father and my best friend Karin.
I'm not allowed to cuss in front of my in-laws. You may have noticed already that I have a fairly foul mouth. It's a vice, I know. But it's one I enjoy. And I had plenty to cuss about just then.
She's the type that will offer platitudes. And have lots of questions. The platitudes anger me. Please don't tell me that it was "for the best because it means something was wrong with the baby." I'd have loved him anyway. And please don't tell me I can have another. I wanted this one. And please don't that things happen for a reason. When you can tell me what that reason is, I'll accept that. I know they're meant well, but truly, the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry. It's not fair." Nothing takes the pain away but to know that you feel for me.. that helps. Everything else is just frustrating.
As for the questions, I don't mind so much. Anyone who knows me knows that I really love to educate people. Particularly in this area since the subject is so personal to me. But sometimes the questions just have no answers.
And I know she hurts. She's been ready for grand kids for a long time. She was beyond elated when we announced the pregnancy. I know she's sad- both for us and for herself. And as selfish as it is, sometimes handling other people's pain is just too much. I'm barely handling my own.
So.. we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I know she cares. And that's a lot.
Happy Easter, everyone.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Some notes about jealousy
Yesterday I found out that someone I know is very unexpectedly and unhappily pregnant. She says she's keeping the baby but she's really not sure if it's really the right thing or not.
I think she'll make a good mom if she chooses to be one, but I know she's in a tough spot.
Other than the fact that she's the last person on earth I'd have expected to be pregnant, it was news-worthy because I didn't cry.
You see, for about six months, the moment someone announces they're pregnant, I cry. It literally feels like I've been kicked in the gut. I'm usually very still for a moment and then the tears well up. I take a deep breath and try to shake it off but inevitably, the tears flow. I'm eaten up with jealousy and sadness. "Damn you," I think, "it's not your fucking turn. It's MY turn and YOU just STOLE it."
Anger. Yes. I feel anger. Anger at the pregnant person. Then I think "This is stupid, Trish. Just because you can't conceive, the rest of the planet has to put their lives on hold cause it's your turn? Yeah. You're SO rational." Then I commence feeling like a piece of shit. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom and cry a while. Sometimes I just feel sick for a while.
God forbid I go home and tell my husband that ________ is pregnant and don't do a dance of joy for them. He tells me I'm awful. That I shouldn't be jealous. Once I made the mistake of telling him about a post on a message board written by a woman who had just had a miscarriage and asked her friend to let her know via email when she gets pregnant because she knew she'd be emotional when she got the news. And how people had told her she was a horrible person for it. His response? "I don't blame them." Apparently it's not okay to be jealous or sad because you see the world going on w/o you but it's perfectly fine to publicly berate someone who recently lost a child.
I truly believe my husband has never felt an ounce of jealousy in his life. I swear a man could come up and kiss me on the mouth and he'd laugh. It just isn't his nature. And while I love his positive attitude and his sense of self, being told I'm a terrible person really doesn't help.
About a month ago, though, I decided that I was sick of all of it. I was sick of being sad and sick of being jealous and sick of worrying. My stomach was in knots the whole time. The entire time I was pregnant I was sick with worry. I laid in bed at night and prayed and cried. And all of my worry, praying and crying did nothing to keep my baby from dying.
I've never been one to pray for things. I've always asked for my loved ones to know they are loved, to be kept safe and for all of us to lead good Christian lives. And while I was still praying for my baby to be kept safe, the intention of the prayer was really not so altruistic. I was praying for God to give me something- A baby.
Though the course of my miscarriage and immediately following I realized how incredibly arrogant I was being. I thought I could worry myself into motherhood. If only I read enough, learned enough, took enough vitamins, I could control this. When, in reality, I never had control of it. God did. And I wasn't REALLY trusting him to take care of it. I could pray for him to keep my baby safe, but I wasn't REALLY handing it to him. And so I started praying more. Only this time I was praying for God to take away the jealousy. To take away the anger. I prayed for him to handle it.
There is a hymn that I love called "I surrender all." Faith Hill sang it for Oprah on an episode of "After the Show" once. I saved it on my TiVo and listened to it 100 times. I've searched the web, wishing I could find a recording of it. There are some other artists with versions of it, but none of them strike me the way Faith did. But I think of the song often when I'm feeling anxious or angry. I surrender all.
And after some time.. a funny thing started to happen. I didn't feel angry. Or jealous. I am still sad. But I'm not eaten up with it. When a friend tells me she's pregnant now I think "Oh. Wish I could be pregnant with you." and then I congratulate them. And I actually MEAN IT. I'm ACTUALLY happy for them.
Yesterday, when my friend broke the news (after I picked my jaw up) I thought "wow.. I hope she's okay." I wasn't really thinking about myself at all. I was just concerned for my friend. After I checked on her, there was a moment or two where I thought "man.. this just isn't fair.. if only we could switch spots." but it wasn't that jealousy of "DAMN HER" it was just "Hmm.. if we could switch places, we'd both be happy."
And it felt good. It really did.
I'm not saying my green eyes are cured. Someone else may tell me they're pregnant and I might cry. But for now, I'm celebrating a small victory.
I think she'll make a good mom if she chooses to be one, but I know she's in a tough spot.
Other than the fact that she's the last person on earth I'd have expected to be pregnant, it was news-worthy because I didn't cry.
You see, for about six months, the moment someone announces they're pregnant, I cry. It literally feels like I've been kicked in the gut. I'm usually very still for a moment and then the tears well up. I take a deep breath and try to shake it off but inevitably, the tears flow. I'm eaten up with jealousy and sadness. "Damn you," I think, "it's not your fucking turn. It's MY turn and YOU just STOLE it."
Anger. Yes. I feel anger. Anger at the pregnant person. Then I think "This is stupid, Trish. Just because you can't conceive, the rest of the planet has to put their lives on hold cause it's your turn? Yeah. You're SO rational." Then I commence feeling like a piece of shit. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom and cry a while. Sometimes I just feel sick for a while.
God forbid I go home and tell my husband that ________ is pregnant and don't do a dance of joy for them. He tells me I'm awful. That I shouldn't be jealous. Once I made the mistake of telling him about a post on a message board written by a woman who had just had a miscarriage and asked her friend to let her know via email when she gets pregnant because she knew she'd be emotional when she got the news. And how people had told her she was a horrible person for it. His response? "I don't blame them." Apparently it's not okay to be jealous or sad because you see the world going on w/o you but it's perfectly fine to publicly berate someone who recently lost a child.
I truly believe my husband has never felt an ounce of jealousy in his life. I swear a man could come up and kiss me on the mouth and he'd laugh. It just isn't his nature. And while I love his positive attitude and his sense of self, being told I'm a terrible person really doesn't help.
About a month ago, though, I decided that I was sick of all of it. I was sick of being sad and sick of being jealous and sick of worrying. My stomach was in knots the whole time. The entire time I was pregnant I was sick with worry. I laid in bed at night and prayed and cried. And all of my worry, praying and crying did nothing to keep my baby from dying.
I've never been one to pray for things. I've always asked for my loved ones to know they are loved, to be kept safe and for all of us to lead good Christian lives. And while I was still praying for my baby to be kept safe, the intention of the prayer was really not so altruistic. I was praying for God to give me something- A baby.
Though the course of my miscarriage and immediately following I realized how incredibly arrogant I was being. I thought I could worry myself into motherhood. If only I read enough, learned enough, took enough vitamins, I could control this. When, in reality, I never had control of it. God did. And I wasn't REALLY trusting him to take care of it. I could pray for him to keep my baby safe, but I wasn't REALLY handing it to him. And so I started praying more. Only this time I was praying for God to take away the jealousy. To take away the anger. I prayed for him to handle it.
There is a hymn that I love called "I surrender all." Faith Hill sang it for Oprah on an episode of "After the Show" once. I saved it on my TiVo and listened to it 100 times. I've searched the web, wishing I could find a recording of it. There are some other artists with versions of it, but none of them strike me the way Faith did. But I think of the song often when I'm feeling anxious or angry. I surrender all.
And after some time.. a funny thing started to happen. I didn't feel angry. Or jealous. I am still sad. But I'm not eaten up with it. When a friend tells me she's pregnant now I think "Oh. Wish I could be pregnant with you." and then I congratulate them. And I actually MEAN IT. I'm ACTUALLY happy for them.
Yesterday, when my friend broke the news (after I picked my jaw up) I thought "wow.. I hope she's okay." I wasn't really thinking about myself at all. I was just concerned for my friend. After I checked on her, there was a moment or two where I thought "man.. this just isn't fair.. if only we could switch spots." but it wasn't that jealousy of "DAMN HER" it was just "Hmm.. if we could switch places, we'd both be happy."
And it felt good. It really did.
I'm not saying my green eyes are cured. Someone else may tell me they're pregnant and I might cry. But for now, I'm celebrating a small victory.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
6dpo, the obsession continues.
Today my vagina felt moist!
Yes, I know you're thrilled to know that and thinking "WTF, Trish? That deserves an exclamation point?"
Well, that's how the mind of an infertile works.
You may have heard someone say "We charted."
People think that means taking your temperature. Which is correct- just not complete. It also means digging your fingers up to your cervix and swirling them around in the hopes of finding gold. Or... rather.. egg whites.
In the TTC circle, we call it EWCM- Egg White Cervical Mucous. You see, during the month, the mucous (or "fluid" as some prefer) changes consistency. Right after your period you are dry. Sexy, I know. I'll pause while you go splash yourself with water to cool down.
Okay. Welcome back.
As the month continues and you get closer to ovulation you start to produce some fluid (ahh.. what the hell, we're friends now..) mucous. If you're charting, you take note of this. I use the FAM (fertility awareness method) which means I try to decide between four different descriptions for it. The best sign is EWCM. It means that ovulation is imminent. It's clear and thin & will stretch- you guessed it- like egg whites. (My OB/GYN commented that I had great cervical mucous during my IUI. I blushed as though she had told me she liked my tits.) This is the most fertile type of cervical mucous. It functions in a few ways, but a really important one is that nourishes the swimmers so they aren't killed by the big, bad, chemically dangerous vagina and can make it up into the cervix and beyond.
As an educational side note there is another group out there that uses cervical fluid as a fertility diagnosing tools.. they have something like FIFTEEN different descriptions. I'm not one of those, though. I get four. Which is hard enough.
Also, as you get closer to ovulation your cervix gets higher, softer and more open. This is a very subjective interpretation but I've pretty much got the hang of mine. Yes, I DO spend a lot of time with my fingers in my vagina. I'm hoping any leftover sperm would see the finger and realize it's pointing out the path they should be following.
I use a program called ovusoft to chart (available for download at www.ovusoft.com. The best 40 bucks I've spent.) On it there is a page where I am asked to enter some info each day. They include temperature, cervical fluid, cervical feel, cervical position and cervical opening. But my favorite is "Vaginal sensation." Your choices?
"Dry."
"Sticky."
"West, gooey, cold."
"Slippery, moist, lubicrative."
And today I feel lubricrative. The reason I'm excited about this is because I'm obviously past ovulation. I should be dry. I'm not even checking my cervical fluid. There shouldn't be any. But after deciding I felt moist, I did a cursory check. Cervical fluid present in a fairly large quantity. Creamy - I know you wondered.
Now, it's entirely possible that it's just a side effect of Clomid which is notorious for screwing with your cervical fluid, but it could mean that my estrogen is rising because a teeny little ball of cells has burrowed its way into my uterine lining.
Only time will tell.
Yes, I know you're thrilled to know that and thinking "WTF, Trish? That deserves an exclamation point?"
Well, that's how the mind of an infertile works.
You may have heard someone say "We charted."
People think that means taking your temperature. Which is correct- just not complete. It also means digging your fingers up to your cervix and swirling them around in the hopes of finding gold. Or... rather.. egg whites.
In the TTC circle, we call it EWCM- Egg White Cervical Mucous. You see, during the month, the mucous (or "fluid" as some prefer) changes consistency. Right after your period you are dry. Sexy, I know. I'll pause while you go splash yourself with water to cool down.
Okay. Welcome back.
As the month continues and you get closer to ovulation you start to produce some fluid (ahh.. what the hell, we're friends now..) mucous. If you're charting, you take note of this. I use the FAM (fertility awareness method) which means I try to decide between four different descriptions for it. The best sign is EWCM. It means that ovulation is imminent. It's clear and thin & will stretch- you guessed it- like egg whites. (My OB/GYN commented that I had great cervical mucous during my IUI. I blushed as though she had told me she liked my tits.) This is the most fertile type of cervical mucous. It functions in a few ways, but a really important one is that nourishes the swimmers so they aren't killed by the big, bad, chemically dangerous vagina and can make it up into the cervix and beyond.
As an educational side note there is another group out there that uses cervical fluid as a fertility diagnosing tools.. they have something like FIFTEEN different descriptions. I'm not one of those, though. I get four. Which is hard enough.
Also, as you get closer to ovulation your cervix gets higher, softer and more open. This is a very subjective interpretation but I've pretty much got the hang of mine. Yes, I DO spend a lot of time with my fingers in my vagina. I'm hoping any leftover sperm would see the finger and realize it's pointing out the path they should be following.
I use a program called ovusoft to chart (available for download at www.ovusoft.com. The best 40 bucks I've spent.) On it there is a page where I am asked to enter some info each day. They include temperature, cervical fluid, cervical feel, cervical position and cervical opening. But my favorite is "Vaginal sensation." Your choices?
"Dry."
"Sticky."
"West, gooey, cold."
"Slippery, moist, lubicrative."
And today I feel lubricrative. The reason I'm excited about this is because I'm obviously past ovulation. I should be dry. I'm not even checking my cervical fluid. There shouldn't be any. But after deciding I felt moist, I did a cursory check. Cervical fluid present in a fairly large quantity. Creamy - I know you wondered.
Now, it's entirely possible that it's just a side effect of Clomid which is notorious for screwing with your cervical fluid, but it could mean that my estrogen is rising because a teeny little ball of cells has burrowed its way into my uterine lining.
Only time will tell.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Tick Tock Tick Tock
The two week wait continues.
I'm now 5dpo. (days post-ovulation) I have pretty much zero symptoms. I'm trying to think that's a good thing because I almost always have SOMETHING I can point to like "maybe." The month I was pregnant I was so completely symptom free that it was genuinely the first time in all of this that I was convinced I WASN'T pregnant.
I went back in my charts and checked what I noted last November. I had some cramps and some breast tenderness, but that was it. Well, that's pretty much every month for the last 15 years. The cramps were so normal that I walked around with a tampon in my pocket for 3 days. It's funny now, really. I was forever testing and getting negatives. That month, I was SO convinced I wasn't pregnant, I refused to test early. My period was due on a Thursday. Thursday morning-nothing. So I thought I'd test. Well, I used these Internet cheapie tests that came free with my OPKs. I thought that MAYBE I saw a line but it really looked like an evaporation line. I still wasn't even hopeful. The cramps were pretty intense. I ran to the bathroom at least twice that day with a tampon convinced I'd started. Nothing. So I came home and used another freebie. Same response. Convinced I was losing my mind I didn't even say anything to David.
The next morning- STILL no period. I haven't been late since I was about 15 years old. My periods are occasionally wonky, but I'm always early- never late. So I used another freebie. Just as blank as blank could be. I was actually almost relieved. No interpretation required. Okay. Not pregnant. I can deal. We move on. Again- at work, I ran to the bathroom 3 or 4 times expecting blood. Nada.
I did that whole "hold the toilet paper in the right place" thing.. I just KNEW there had to be SOMETHING.
So I came home and used ANOTHER stick. This time, again- maybe an evaporation line. This time I took it to David and shoved it at him and said "How many lines do you see?"
He twisted and turned and said "One.. well.. maybe... but.. it looks like a shadow or something."
Great. Now we're BOTH crazy, right?
So I said that when we went out we'd get a store test and try again. Turns out that we didn't get a test until Saturday afternoon. I opted to wait til Sunday to use it because I figured by then I was 4 days late and it had to be correct.
By this time I was actually ANGRY. I knew I wasn't pregnant and now my period was late which meant something ELSE was wrong. I kept thinking "great- something else to delay our next try."
I got up Sunday morning and peed in a cup. I opted for the digital. No interpretation. It says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I was still sitting on the toilet, dipped the test and set it on my knee, then turned the directions over to read something. I glanced back down and saw it had come up. It said "Pregnant." I did a double take. I twisted and turned it because I just KNEW that there was a "Not" in front of that. Nope. I was pregnant.
I came running out of the bathroom and said "I'm pregnant!" David said "you are?" I said "LOOK!!" and ran over and shoved the stick at him. He wasn't excited at all. He's not much of a morning person and was still in bed. I was literally jumping up and down.
After I finished my excitement, I went to sit on the couch in the quiet for a while. I was in shock.
And, of course, all of that is really on my mind this week. (Hence going back and looking at my November chart.) The breast tenderness started 8dpo. The cramps lasted the whole two weeks after the IUI. Today is the first day since Tuesday that I haven't had cramps at all. So of course, that makes me sad. No breast tenderness yet, either.
I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant- which makes me think maybe I am. Such an oxymoron, right?
I have a progesterone test on Tuesday. Then the following Tuesday will be test day. I'm also sure there will be a lot of breast poking between now and then.
It's going to be a long week and a half.
I'm now 5dpo. (days post-ovulation) I have pretty much zero symptoms. I'm trying to think that's a good thing because I almost always have SOMETHING I can point to like "maybe." The month I was pregnant I was so completely symptom free that it was genuinely the first time in all of this that I was convinced I WASN'T pregnant.
I went back in my charts and checked what I noted last November. I had some cramps and some breast tenderness, but that was it. Well, that's pretty much every month for the last 15 years. The cramps were so normal that I walked around with a tampon in my pocket for 3 days. It's funny now, really. I was forever testing and getting negatives. That month, I was SO convinced I wasn't pregnant, I refused to test early. My period was due on a Thursday. Thursday morning-nothing. So I thought I'd test. Well, I used these Internet cheapie tests that came free with my OPKs. I thought that MAYBE I saw a line but it really looked like an evaporation line. I still wasn't even hopeful. The cramps were pretty intense. I ran to the bathroom at least twice that day with a tampon convinced I'd started. Nothing. So I came home and used another freebie. Same response. Convinced I was losing my mind I didn't even say anything to David.
The next morning- STILL no period. I haven't been late since I was about 15 years old. My periods are occasionally wonky, but I'm always early- never late. So I used another freebie. Just as blank as blank could be. I was actually almost relieved. No interpretation required. Okay. Not pregnant. I can deal. We move on. Again- at work, I ran to the bathroom 3 or 4 times expecting blood. Nada.
I did that whole "hold the toilet paper in the right place" thing.. I just KNEW there had to be SOMETHING.
So I came home and used ANOTHER stick. This time, again- maybe an evaporation line. This time I took it to David and shoved it at him and said "How many lines do you see?"
He twisted and turned and said "One.. well.. maybe... but.. it looks like a shadow or something."
Great. Now we're BOTH crazy, right?
So I said that when we went out we'd get a store test and try again. Turns out that we didn't get a test until Saturday afternoon. I opted to wait til Sunday to use it because I figured by then I was 4 days late and it had to be correct.
By this time I was actually ANGRY. I knew I wasn't pregnant and now my period was late which meant something ELSE was wrong. I kept thinking "great- something else to delay our next try."
I got up Sunday morning and peed in a cup. I opted for the digital. No interpretation. It says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I was still sitting on the toilet, dipped the test and set it on my knee, then turned the directions over to read something. I glanced back down and saw it had come up. It said "Pregnant." I did a double take. I twisted and turned it because I just KNEW that there was a "Not" in front of that. Nope. I was pregnant.
I came running out of the bathroom and said "I'm pregnant!" David said "you are?" I said "LOOK!!" and ran over and shoved the stick at him. He wasn't excited at all. He's not much of a morning person and was still in bed. I was literally jumping up and down.
After I finished my excitement, I went to sit on the couch in the quiet for a while. I was in shock.
And, of course, all of that is really on my mind this week. (Hence going back and looking at my November chart.) The breast tenderness started 8dpo. The cramps lasted the whole two weeks after the IUI. Today is the first day since Tuesday that I haven't had cramps at all. So of course, that makes me sad. No breast tenderness yet, either.
I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant- which makes me think maybe I am. Such an oxymoron, right?
I have a progesterone test on Tuesday. Then the following Tuesday will be test day. I'm also sure there will be a lot of breast poking between now and then.
It's going to be a long week and a half.
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