Friday, April 6, 2007

So hard

It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard
It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

These are some of the lyrics to a Dixie Chicks song. "So Hard." Two of the girls conceived via IVF. This is a song about their struggles through infertility.

I bought the CD. Not so much because I wanted it. I could have bought the song for 99 cents on Itunes. But I wanted to support the cause. So many people walk around with such secrecy and shame. I really appreciate their honesty about something that is so filled with shame and misconception. (ha ha.. no pun intended.)

I had David pick the CD up for me the other day. I'm just sitting down to really listen to it. So far, it's a decent CD. I actually really like the controversial song "Not ready to back down." I think it's a good anthem.
Whether you agree or disagree with the politics of the Chicks, the idea of standing up and being heard is still a great one. And the great thing about art is that it's subjective. You can take from it whatever suits you.

Then I played "So hard" and I began to sob. I actually wasn't expecting it. I mean, I'd listened to the song online and read the lyrics many times. But somehow I was just overwhelmed. As I sit here still listening, tears are streaming down my face.

I'm not even sure what I'm crying about. It's probably just PMS. Ha ha.

Tomorrow we're off to my mother-in-law's house. I have to work until 6 and then we'll drive down. It'll be the first time I've seen her since the miscarriage. David's visited his mom a couple of times since then, but I've managed to have to be somewhere else each time.

She was as good as you could really hope for when we lost the baby. She tried to be supportive but I just couldn't handle her, to be honest.

I had a lot of guilt about the pain that both she and my dad experienced. I sort of wished we hadn't told them I was pregnant. I know that's not really fair. My MIL (mother in law) and my dad are both really great, loving, supportive parents. There's no reason to deny them or ourselves their support in tough times. But when my dad said "Is there anything I can do?" and I said "No.. there's really not." And he said in this broken voice "There SHOULD BE SOMETHING I CAN DO." it broke my heart even more than it already was. He just wanted to fix it and it just wasn't possible.

When my MIL said she wished she was here with us, my honest thought was that I was glad she wasn't.

In those days after we knew the baby was died and just after the D&C, all I wanted was David. The notion of trying to entertain anyone, to have to make small talk and be okay was just too much for me. I needed to sob at will. Not that she'd have ever wanted me to fake it.. but in the end, I'd have felt pressured to do so. There are very few people in the world I feel like I can truly be myself around. No self-censoring, no holds-barred. They are my husband, my father and my best friend Karin.

I'm not allowed to cuss in front of my in-laws. You may have noticed already that I have a fairly foul mouth. It's a vice, I know. But it's one I enjoy. And I had plenty to cuss about just then.

She's the type that will offer platitudes. And have lots of questions. The platitudes anger me. Please don't tell me that it was "for the best because it means something was wrong with the baby." I'd have loved him anyway. And please don't tell me I can have another. I wanted this one. And please don't that things happen for a reason. When you can tell me what that reason is, I'll accept that. I know they're meant well, but truly, the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry. It's not fair." Nothing takes the pain away but to know that you feel for me.. that helps. Everything else is just frustrating.

As for the questions, I don't mind so much. Anyone who knows me knows that I really love to educate people. Particularly in this area since the subject is so personal to me. But sometimes the questions just have no answers.

And I know she hurts. She's been ready for grand kids for a long time. She was beyond elated when we announced the pregnancy. I know she's sad- both for us and for herself. And as selfish as it is, sometimes handling other people's pain is just too much. I'm barely handling my own.

So.. we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I know she cares. And that's a lot.

Happy Easter, everyone.


A. said...

those are really poignant, powerful lyrics. i didn't know that about the dixie chicks but it's cool they're using their fame to bring attention to the realities of IF. (lol at your misconception pun; sorry, i can't help it.)

and wow, i do NOT do well with platitudes either. they really piss me off. i hope you have a good time with your MIL.

love you!

Nichole said...

Trish, this is the first time I have read your blog and I am amazed by your strength and your ability to write. Thank you for writing your blog "so hard" you practically read my mind. I am a baby Christian, and continue to struggle trusting God and "handing" my infertility over to Him. I look forward to reading your blog and am right there with you on the infertility front.
Thank you for sharing your experience, your honesty and charisma!