Food Wars

Sometimes I'm just so angry. So frustrated.

It all seems so unfair.

We worked so hard to get pregnant. So hard to stay pregnant. Then Pre-E came. And Robbie had to come early.
He fought and fought and endured so much- tubes in the throat, needles everywhere, wires, leads. He was so tired that sometimes he had to take breaks from breathing. It was so hard to watch him suffer, to watch him struggle.

And then things got better.

Finally he was breathing. Finally he could eat. Finally he could stay warm. Finally he could be held any time he wanted. Finally he could eat.

And it was bliss.

Over and over again we heard how well he was doing. How great he looks. How amazing his progress is.

And now there is this thing. The eating. It sounds so simple. He can eat any time he wants as much as he wants. And he seems to want to eat, only he doesn't.

He'll gnaw on a nipple. He doesn't fight the bottle any more. He doesn't seem to be in pain. His reflux is still there but the burning seems better.

But if he's awake he doesn't want to suck on a bottle. If he's sleepy- he'll suck away. Latch on and eat. But if he's awake- he'll only gnaw.

And no one knows why. Everyone seems to agree that it's not an oral aversion. He loves his paci. His loves to suck on his hands. On my hands. On a wrist ratttle. Anything but a bottle.

But he also seems to WANT to eat. If I put his milk in a Playtex Drop-Ins bottle and squirt the milk into his mouth he'll swallow it. But not if it comes from a dropper. He wants to seem like he's eating and getting milk and then he'll swallow. Only he won't suck.

Most days I can time his feedings around his sleep. He still starts off gumming at the nipple, but as he gets drowsy, he'll latch on and suck and then he eats. I'm able to get him to his daily food goal that way.

We started thickening his feedings with Simply Thick and that seems to have helped his reflux.

But then there are days like today where he doesn't want to nap so therefore he doesn't want to eat. Days when I have to put him down on his playmat and take some deep breaths because I'm so frustrated that I want to cry.

I set an alarm at night to feed him every 3 hours to be able to get as many calories as possible into him while I can.

I'm tired. So tired. I'm falling asleep feeding him at night. I wake up doing the head bob- and the bottle dropping bob.

I know what the doctor will say. A G tube. I don't want another G tube. I hated the one he had. It leaked all the time. And I'm convinced it made his reflux worse.

I just want him to eat. I want to know if or when he's going to outgrow this. I've experimented with cereal- he does okay. He probably ate a tablespoon worth tonight. Not bad for a kid who really shouldn't have solids for another 2 months.

Maybe when more of his nutrition comes from solid food he'll do better? Or maybe it will lead to more trouble? I don't know.

All I know is that I'm tired and frustrated and worried. I'm sick of worrying about every cc that passes his lips. He doesn't deserve to have an anxious, hand-wringing mom. He doesn't deserve a body that betrays him. He's already been through enough and I don't know how to fix it.


--Trish

Brilliant

I must be brilliant.

Seriously. I mean, clearly I have ALL the answers. My husband seems to think so since he's constantly asking questions.

-Is he hungry?

-Is he in pain?

-What is WRONG with him?

-What is wrong with YOU?

-Are we ever going to have sex again?


My friends tell me that a baby's first year is really hard on a marriage. It's normal. I'm trying to be reassured.

In the mean time, he amazes me. Only in a man's mind can the same conversation contain both "I dread coming home to you" and "I want to have sex with you" and not seem odd.

So let's be clear- he doesn't like me very much but he'd like to fuck me more. Makes perfect sense to me.


To be fair- he's not without a point. I'm cranky. I can give 100 reasons why. I'm worried about Robbie all the time. I don't sleep. Probably partly a little PPD. And frankly, I don't get enough help.

But when I'm flying off the handle because both sinks are full of dishes there's a problem. Don't sweat the small stuff, you know?

So we talked.

I'm not sure anything was really resolved.

He still refuses to help at night. He says he can't because he's too tired for work and falls asleep in meetings.


I tell him to turn the World of Warcraft off and go to bed earlier. He balked.

I explained that I've almost got a negative libido. He tried to compromise. I balked.

I'm sure eventually things will get better. The good news is that we still love each other. We just don't like each other much right now.

Marital bliss abounds.

--Trish

Merry Christmas

Christmas was busy and hectic and exhausting and wonderful. The way it should be with a wee baby in it.

After I posted my zombie post last night Robbie FINALLY gave up and slept around 3:30. He would nod off before that but wake back up from the slightest movement or sound. This time it finally stuck.

He ate again at 5 at which point I got up and put the ham in the oven. Then again at 8, which is when I really began my day. i put the beans on, pumped, dipped some cake balls in chocolate and considered taking a nap.

Of course, that's when Robbie really woke up for the day- about 9:00. Not nearly long enough but it was Christmas so it kind of worked out for the best.

My MIL got him up and dressed for Christmas while I finished the cake balls. Then we waited on my BIL to show up so we could open presents.

Robbie wasn't really sure what was going on, but he was very interested in it all.

I think the best present he got all day was a butterfly wrist rattle. He gnawed on the wings for hours. Funny how it's always the cheapest, simplest things, huh?

Lunch was fabulous. I made a 19 pound ham which turned out great if I do say so myself, my world (okay, family) famous sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes and green beans. David made home made yeast rolls and baked beans. MIL brought chocolate chip cookies (I dipped a couple of them in leftover candy melts, too.)

And we ate until we were sick.

Robbie had passed out immediately following gift opening and woke up just as we ate. (I'm told I had the same knack as a child.) So I rushed through quickly and then tended to him while everyone else cleaned up. I knew that kid was good for something.

After lunch my dad took care of Robbie while I got a nearly 2 hour nap. IT FELT SO GOOD. I've always been a nap connoisseur but rarely get one these days because every time Robbie naps, I have to pump. He rarely naps longer than about an hour and usually even less, so there just isn't time for me to join him. So today felt fantastic.

Then we watched a movie and snacked. Robbie hung out with his grandpa and I actually got to put my feet up.

Oh! And Robbie ate great ALL day. I definitely got one day of the one thing I really wished for for Christmas- Robbie to eat!

The night was long, but the day was wonderful.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!


And of course, a holiday blog would not be complete w/o a Robbie narrated photojournal!






A Cox family Christmas Eve wouldn't be right with A Christmas Story. Daddy says it's the best. Mommy and grandma rolled their eyes a lot. I think I'm with Daddy.




I tried to stay up all night. I even outlasted the cats.




But I was still up early and impatient.



But Daddy managed to wrangle me.



Then we waited for my uncle BooBoo to get here.




Grandma held me while mommy passed the presents out.




He got here. Then we opened presents




Did you know there is a whole book about ME?



And Santa brought it for grandma!




Then it was my turn. Mommy was still in her jammies but I just climbed in her lap and she helped me open.



I think my favorite present was this wrist rattle from Todd & Paula. It's nummy!



I got lots of books!



Uncle Bradley gave me his favorite one from when he was a boy.


Mommy even read me it to me right then.




Grandma still thought her book was the best one.



Then Daddy took me for a while while mommy to get a couple of things done. Like take pictures of us!


Then I took a little nap while Mommy, Daddy & grandma made lunch. I woke up just in time for mommy to have to rush through and then feed me again.

After lunch Grandpa took care of me while mommy took a nap. Did you know he has FUR growing out of his LIP?


The day was really great, but man was it tiring. Good night!

sleepless

I'm never ever ever going to get a good night's sleep again am I?

2:58 am.

Robbie: not happy
Trish: zombie

Babies v Cats

Know why babies are better than cats?

When you kiss all over a cat, they squirm and run away.

Babies turn their heads into your and reach up and grab your lips and try to rip them right off.


Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed that he's actually MINE.


--Trish