Saturday, December 27, 2008


I must be brilliant.

Seriously. I mean, clearly I have ALL the answers. My husband seems to think so since he's constantly asking questions.

-Is he hungry?

-Is he in pain?

-What is WRONG with him?

-What is wrong with YOU?

-Are we ever going to have sex again?

My friends tell me that a baby's first year is really hard on a marriage. It's normal. I'm trying to be reassured.

In the mean time, he amazes me. Only in a man's mind can the same conversation contain both "I dread coming home to you" and "I want to have sex with you" and not seem odd.

So let's be clear- he doesn't like me very much but he'd like to fuck me more. Makes perfect sense to me.

To be fair- he's not without a point. I'm cranky. I can give 100 reasons why. I'm worried about Robbie all the time. I don't sleep. Probably partly a little PPD. And frankly, I don't get enough help.

But when I'm flying off the handle because both sinks are full of dishes there's a problem. Don't sweat the small stuff, you know?

So we talked.

I'm not sure anything was really resolved.

He still refuses to help at night. He says he can't because he's too tired for work and falls asleep in meetings.

I tell him to turn the World of Warcraft off and go to bed earlier. He balked.

I explained that I've almost got a negative libido. He tried to compromise. I balked.

I'm sure eventually things will get better. The good news is that we still love each other. We just don't like each other much right now.

Marital bliss abounds.



Cheryl said...

the bad news is that parenting is hard on a marriage, but it does get better once the baby is older. Sorry things are so rough right now. I'd offer to come help, but with my older kids I'm probably just a walking germ and would make things worse. Try to take care of yourself as much as possible, even if your husband doesn't like it. Keep reminding him that the happier you are, the happier he'll be.

Amy said...

sorry honey; big hugs for you. hope it gets better before too long.

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh dear.

I will say this. Sex (or rather the end result) produces oxytocin in men. It's actually the only thing that does. As a result it actually makes men more loving. (and perhaps bidable?)

Kristin (kekis) said...

Poor men. They really don't get it, do they? What an amazing turn on it would be if he were to help more. He'd be getting all the time, huh?!

Kristin in Wisconsin said...

Long time reader, first time poster. As parents of a 34ish week preemie who's now a a year old (we know we have nothing on you), my husband will gladly come and kick your husband's butt.

Slytherpuff said...

I read this post to my husband (who has just gone back upstairs to comfort our son who refuses to sleep) and his mouth dropped. "He's playing a game instead of taking care of his own son?" And my husband is even a gamer! Didn't anyone ever tell him that work comes before play?

Yes, having a kid is hard on a marriage (doubly so b/c Robbie's a preemie), but your husband is acting like a bystander instead of a partner.

Fertilized said...

it takes a while .... we have this conversation every few weeks .. STILL

Milenka said...

Our marriage got bad once the twins were born, and it really did take until they were about 10 months old to get things back on even ground. Then it got really bad once I got pregnant again and was in and out of the hospital. It's been pretty much hell since Fox was born, and I keep telling myself that it will get better. I only hope that's true for both of us! The key is loving each other (even when you loathe each other) through it all, so there's something left to save when the dust settles. Just my opinion, of course. Good luck! *hug*

tubelessstl said...

sorry this is rough for you. Even with not having given birth, having a child is stressful for us too. I hope it gets better for the both of you as it did for us.

btw, I signed the petition on your sidebar!

Anonymous said...

Wow - has he never heard the saying "Happy Wife, Happy Life"? Next time he's acting both insulting and frisky (what an attractive combo) buy him a big bottle of hair conditioner and point him to the shower for some "alone" time with himself, hee hee hee.

Carolyn said...

Sounds like we're married to the same man. The king of excuses. We had a tiny premie too, but not near as premature and tiny as little Robbie and didn't have to face most of the struggles that you do, but I know what it feels like to have no help whatsoever. We've been separated for 5 months now. I think your husband needs a swift kick in his selfish ass. Maybe you could consider his needs as a man if he could even begin to consider your needs as a human being, like getting some R&R once in a blue moon.

My husband is too selfish to ever think of anyone else's needs and lost his family because of it, but sadly, I think he's happy to not have responsibilities once again.

As if all you have to do for Robbie isn't enough, you also have to worry about a selfish man-baby. God bless you for all you put up with and for so long.