In the beginning

I'm Trish. I'm 30. I'm infertile.

That's what I think to myself anytime says "So tell me a little about yourself."
In my mind, the room says "Hi Trish!" in unison.

Then I answer and leave off that last part.

The longer version:

I'm Trish. I'm 30. I'm married to David. He's 36. We've been married a year, though we dated nearly 4 years before we got married. I'm a fat girl. (No, not pudgy - fat. It's okay. I've been fat most of the life. If I could snap my fingers and change it, I would.. but overall, I'm pretty okay with myself.) I love animals. I have 3 cats and a dog and would happily have another dog except I really don't want my husband to divorce me. (It would hamper the baby-making.)

I work for a local utility doing something that I would explain but it would put you to sleep. David works for the government most of the time.

I'm also an insomniac. I mention that because it's part of the reason for the blog. The other is that I think too much. I get too many words rattling around in my head and it just further complicates the insomnia.

This blog will mostly be about our path which will hopefully eventually lead to motherhood.
I'm sure I'll wander off topic occasionally, because that's what I do.


So.. here's the background. (I promise every post won't be this long. But this is as brief as I can make that past year and a half.)

We got married in March of '06. We discussed children before we married. We agreed we wanted some - probably 2. We wanted to wait a year after marriage to start trying. Then as the wedding approached we decided we'd "re-evaluate our options" on my 30th b-day. Which was in October.

We knew we weren't getting any younger, but we also wanted to enjoy being married a bit first. Plus it gaves us a nice answer for our parents. ("We'll probably wait a year..") His mom seemed to accept that okay. My dad mostly just frowned. I'm never sure what he's really thinking, but he had informed me about 4 months before we got engaged that I should have a baby. When I started to protest he said "you don't have to get married.... just have a baby." That's my dad. Always the traditionalist.

In May before we got married I switch birth control from the Depo-Provera shot to the pill. My cycles returned in September. In October, my boobs started to hurt so badly I couldn't even stand with my arms at my sides because it hurt. And I missed a period. I peed on 5 pregnancy tests (all negative) and took my butt to the doctor. I was fairly certain I wasn't pregnant but someone HAD to do SOMETHING about my boobs.

She confirmed I was not pregnant and told me to stop drinking caffeine & take some vitamin E. She also informed me that between my age & my weight, it was entirely possible that my fertility (and period) wouldn't really be straight for up to 18 months from my last depo shot.

Well, that scared me. We had no plans to try to conceive (TTC) right away, but I'm a girl who likes options.

So home I went and informed my fiance that I wanted to stop birth control. To my surprise- he was totally fine with it. We decided that if I did get pregnant before we married, we'd deal. We knew it was very unlikely to happen.

I didn't have another period until our honeymoon in March. (Of COURSE on the honeymoon.) I decided I'd start charting and we'd just use the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) to avoid conceiving until we were ready. So, I began taking my temperature every morning.

One day early in April, I started to say something like "I want to have a baby someday so that I can.." but only got as far as "I want to have a baby..." before David said very quickly, "Me, too!"

I paused a moment in shock. While we had discussed it, it was always in that future tense. I said "You do?" and he said "yes."
And so it began.

Now.. something you should know. I am a control freak. I really am. Call it anal retentive, call it OCD, call it controlling. I won't deny it. It's who I am. The more important and the scarier something is, the more I need to control it.

So I temped for one month, and sexed up the husband. And my period started. I was sad, but okay.
The next month I started using OPKs. They're ovulation predictor kits. Basically they're a pregnancy test only they're looking for a hormone in your urine that surges right before you ovulate.
I never got a positive.
That went on a few months..
My temperature charts were odd. I stared & counted and never could figure out if I was ovulating or not.

So when my well woman exam was due at the beginning of September, I made the husband trek along with me. I explained my confusion to my new OB/GYN (my old one abandoned me by moving to California.) She tried to tell me I was fine. I was having regular periods, I was young, I was fine.
I wasn't convinced. I was pushy. I do it well.

She finally agreed to do a couple of tests just to make sure I was ovulating. And she recommended my husband have his primary care doctor do a semen analysis just to make sure everything was okay.


Well... It's a good thing I'm pushy because neither of us were okay.
I'll spare you the details, but the short version is that I ovulate, but poorly. And my husband has too few boys and the boys he has don't swim well.

We were immediately referred to a fertility specialist. A reproductive endocrinologist (RE.)

Dr. Keller became my new BFF. I talked to her at least weekly.

She started us on the beginner fertility drug Clomid & recommended IUI. (Inter-uterine insemination. Think "turkey baster up the hoo-ha."_

I moved on to fancier machines to detect my ovulation. The first month, they failed.
The 2nd month, I ovulated on Thanksgiving day.

IUI is interesting. Poor David has to do his business in a cup & then I tuck it into my boobs to keep it warm and race across town. The doctors do some fancy stuff to strip everything away except that sperm & then send the boys through a spin to get them all revved up. Then they shove it up through my cervix.

So.. there I was on Thanksgiving day, basting my turkey.
2 weeks later, the test said "Pregnant."


I was stunned. The chances were slim, but there it was. I was elated.

And then we had our first ultrasound. I was 6w pregnant. There should have been a heartbeat. There was nothing.

I was devastated.

Dr. Keller told me there was hope, but then told me what to expect when the miscarriage happened.

A week later, we saw our baby's heartbeat on the screen. I cried out and began to sob. David cried. We were elated.


2 weeks later, it was over. The heartbeat was gone.
4 days later I had a D&C.


That was 2 1/2 months ago. The past few months have taught me a lot.

I've learned to let go. I've learned that I can't control everything. Not that I don't protest a bit, but protesting makes it no less real.

In the meantime, my insurance changed and with it.. my doctors. the new GYN wanted me to wait 2 months to try again. So here we are. Back on the Clomid, waiting for an ovulation.

Me with racing thoughts, David with hope.

So I start this blog as a place to try to make sense of it all.


I hope it can serve as some hope or help to someone else out there.


--Trish