If ever I doubt God's existence, I can simply look around and see my blessings.
A friend (I consider her my Lady-When-Waiting ) asked me last week to try to explain how I feel about my miscarriage. What a loaded question it was.
She is currently going to school for her Master's in Counseling and truly has been a blessing to me. She's one of the most empathetic people I know. I can't possibly thank her enough.
My reply to her was lengthy. The main emotion that I feel is isolation. And that isolation leads to anger. But mainly I walk around feeling like no one gets it. No one understands how sad I am. How much pain I'm in. How angry I am. How bitter.
That was several days ago and I've thought about it a lot since then. I know that the feelings aren't healthy. And I don't really understand them completely. I've alluded to some of my shitty childhood cirumstances. I don't feel bitter about it. I realize that it was shitty and unfair, but I also realize that everyone goes through shit and in the end I think it made me the person I am today. I happen to like myself quite a bit, so I don't feel bitter.
But the miscarriage.. I feel bitter. A few weeks ago I had a breakdown with my husband about how fucking unfair it is. I got the shit end of the stick in a lot of ways.. the least God could do is let me have this one thing. This one very natural thing.
But then, just when I'm feeling at the height of my anger, I get an email from a friend.
We'll call her B. B has PCOS and needed Clomid to conceive her son who is a little over 1. She also needed it to conceive again. She's pregnant with a little girl. Her original due date was the same day as mine. At her first ultrasound, they pushed her due date back a week. She wasn't monitoring her ovulation, so it made sense that it was a little later than what a LMP would calculate.
When she told me that her due date had been pushed back I was relieved. Those few days made a big difference to my emotional state.
She's having a scheduled C-section. The doctor has given her the option of days to deliver. They've given her the choice of days. August 14th, 15th or 16th. My due date was the 16th.
That's where the email I received today comes in.
Just when I'm feeling alone- completely isolated- she writes to ask me if her having the baby on my due date would make it harder for me. She doesn't want to add to my pain.
I didn't know how to respond. As odd as it sounds, the fact that she asked makes it okay. I told her to do what makes her life easier.
So, to my lady-when-waiting, to B, and to God - thank you. Today, I feel my blessings and I feel less alone.