Friday, May 11, 2007

Another one bites the dust

Well, it looks like this one is a bust, too.

I tested yesterday. BFN. I didn't cry, which sort of surprised me.
I then proceeded to have the shittiest day I've had in ages. Expensive repairs to David's car, a really shitty appointment with my new primary care doc, and a huge fight with some friends were just the highlights.

I had half convinced myself the test was wrong yesterday. My boobs sort of hurt and I felt a little crampy. My temp was still above coverline, though certainly not pregnancy-high. Today I dropped well below coverline. Just waitin' on AF.

I am sad today. I'm feeling more hopeless than I like to let myself feel. The numbers were good, the timing was good.. and here we are. I know the odds are against us, but it just sucks.

We've decided we're taking May off. We both have things we want to do for Memorial Day which is when I would ovulate. I see the new RE next Thursday. So if she wants to do anything, she can do it during this cycle and we can just keep on.

It's hard for me to take the month off. My type-A-ness does not allow for breaks. I'm sort of the you-can-sleep-when-you're-dead type when something is important to me. So this is hard. I waffled back and forth about what to do and eventually David just decided.

I was really grateful for it. He's not really the decision maker. Particularly in the midst of all of this. He tends to follow my lead. But I was thankful for him because I just couldn't decide.

I think the worst part of it is knowing that it's one month closer to my original due date (August 16th) and I really, really want to be pregnant before then. So that leaves June, & July, most likely. Ideally, I'd love to be "comfortably" pregnant before my due date.. at least be past the point of seeing a good heartbeat.

We shall see, I suppose.

Anyway, that's it for me. This has been a hard two week wait. I was so hopeful and so scared. But, as they say- What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So I move on.


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