Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Big changes in our world this week.

I'm now officially a working mom. Yesterday was the big day.

I got everything packed and ready the night before, so that all I had to go was pack his feeding pump and food, and my lunch when we got up.

I slept okayish and didn't obsess too much.

Morning went fine. I had to wake Robbie (he's not much of a morning baby) but he was in a pretty good mood anyway. I did obsess a little over what he should wear. I had planned on one outfit only to put it on him and realize it's way too small. (It's a 9 month, but it was skin tight. That's annoying since I JUST bought it.) So we ended up in a cotton jumper, no big deal.

We got packed up and headed out. I got a little emotional as we left the house but I shook it off. Then just as we pulled up to the daycare, I realized I'd forgotten his bottle! OH NO!

So I ran him in and put him down. He was instantly intrigued by the other kids. I explained that I'd forgotten his food and had to run back home. Thank goodness I'd budgeted myself plenty of time so I could have a nervous breakdown. So instead of having said breakdown, I ran back across town. And then back again.

In the end, I only had about 10 minutes to tell him goodbye. I think that was probably good because I didn't have time to freak out. He was too busy playing to be snuggled anyway. He hadn't even noticed I left. So I annoyed hugged him, got a little misty and then ran out before I broke down. I cried a little on the way to work, but was really okay. I told myself it would be good for him to socialize and to think of it like therapy instead of like me abandoning him for the almighty dollar.

The daycare people were great. They texted me a picture right away. He was smiling and doing fine.

Work was.. well.. work. Not even going to get into it. Nothing major. Just the usual stupid work crap.

Around noon, I called to check how he was doing and the daycare owner, J, was SO excited. He'd eaten half a jar of baby food! That's a *HUGE* amount of solid food for him. He'd also eaten 5 puffs. I couldn't believe it.

When I hung up the phone, I was euphoric. Of course, then my next thought was "wow, maybe it's been ME this whole time." but I only had a brief fit of mommy guilt and went back to euphoria. He'd eaten. Really eaten!

The daycare owner's daughter, K, texted me another picture in the afternoon- he had yogurt all over his face and looked pleased. Wow! More food.

I got off work an hour early (things are VERY slow at work right now) and that allowed me to go pick him up myself.

When I got there, he was playing with a balloon. He glanced up like "oh hey." and went straight back to playing. Crushed! He didn't even miss me! I sat down next to him and he smiled a half smile at me. But a minute later, he reached to be picked up and would not be put back down. Maybe he missed me a little after all.

He'd had a great day. He only napped about an hour, but had been in a good mood all day. And the food stuff was amazing.

Got home and he passed out immediately, but still only slept a short time. You could tell his routine was screwy.

This morning went about the same. Had to wake him, but he was in a good mood. Got to daycare (with his food this time) and had a few minutes to spend. Well, this time he was on to us. As soon as I sat him down, he started whining. His puffed his bottom lip out and looked very sad. K was great about distracting him, but as soon as she'd stop and he looked at me, he'd start to whine again. My heart was shattered. I know I'd wanted him to miss me the day before, but I take it back now. I just want him to be happy.

Eventually I had to leave. When I checked on him later, they said he never worked up to a full cry. He'd just whine, they'd distract him and he was okay.

Feeding was more usual for him. Five spoons of baby food. Which is about what I could get into him at home. I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. I know I'm a fool for thinking there is a magic answer, but I so hoped that's what it was. Even as much as I don't want to be the problem, I'd be happy to be so if it meant we could help him.

The worst part of the day was that at naptime, I got a call that he was crying and wouldn't stop. They wondered if maybe they'd done something with his feeding tube that could have hurt him. (Unlikely) I think he was just over-tired and wanted his mom. I suggested trying to just rock him. Then I hung up and felt sick. Knowing my baby is somewhere upset and I couldn't run to him and fix it was killing me. I toyed with asking to leave work and just go, but quickly realized that I couldn't run to his rescue every time he was sad. Both he and his daycare providers would have to work it out. But it killed me a little.

Fortunately only a few minutes later, K texted me to say that as soon as they called me, he went to sleep. It turned out that he only napped about a half hour, but I guess that was enough to get him through because he was happy again after that.

I got another call just before I left work (again, an hour early, so I could go get him) that they found a red spot on his chest and were afraid he had some sort of infection from his tube. That didn't make much sense to me since it wasn't near the tube, but I think they're just unsure of how the tube really works. I hate that they're so uncertain of it, but I know I felt the same way when it was first put in. I know they'll adjust.

By the time I got to daycare (about 20 minutes later) the spot was gone and we decided he'd just rubbed against something. No big deal.

This time, he actually smiled when I came in. My heart warmed. They still said he'd had a good day, though you could tell it wasn't with quite the enthusiasm as the first day.

Again, as soon as we got home, he passed out. This time he slept more than 90 minutes and we woke him so he'd still go to bed at bedtime.

All in all, his first week at daycare could certainly have gone worse. And it's probably be harder on me than him. Probably in a week or two, we'll both be adjusted to our new normal.

Yesterday, I honestly felt good. It was actually kind of nice to talk to other adults and feel like the old me for a bit. But today, it really hit me. This is our life. Me wondering how he's doing, worrying if he's happy enough, racing to get back to him as soon as I can. I know we'll both adjust soon enough, but today I feel mostly sad. I missed him today. A lot. And I know that's not likely to end soon.

But, on to better things. Some pictures!

All dressed and ready for my first day.

Packed into the car and ready to go.

My new daycare is so pretty!

Look, I already have new friends.

The 2nd day at daycare wasn't so bad. Look at all my playmates!



Kierstin said...

Ty for posting how it all went. I was wondering. And WOW on the eating that first day. I have been thinking of you. Good luck! I hope you both adjust soon.

Adriane said...

So glad it went well at the daycare! Those first few weeks are very tough.

Cheryl said...

I'm glad the first day went so well. It sounds like you have some awesome day care providers.

Mrs. Spit said...

Ah, I've been wondering how it was going. Thanks for letting us know. Hugs trish, I know this is really, really hard.

Bridie said...

He is so cute! It really does get easier....not super soon, but eventually, slowly, until one day you realize you're not upset over dropping him off, or wondering how their doing every second of the day. Hang in there and good luck!

Azaera said...

It's so hard to leave your baby with someone else! Especially if he has special needs. I know I am really anxious about leaving Skyler even though his babysitter is our best friend and I've trained her on his meds. I'm still nervous! I hope the adjustment period isn't too stressful on the two of you. And at least he'll get the social benefits of interacting with the other babies. *hugs*

Blue Moon Mama said...

Your post made me cry. I know it isn't exactly sad, but it brought back all the same feelings I remember upon having to leave my own boys. Neither of my boys has special needs, but my older son does have a peanut allergy, and that makes leaving him a little scary for me.

Anyway, though it is so hard, it is strange -- almost unsettling! -- how quickly everyone adjusts. It's definitely hardest on mom!

Jenn said...

Thanks for the update, I was thinking about you guys. :) Glad it's going well.

Anonymous said...

Leaving A at the sitter's everyday is hard, I won't lie, but I am also a little happy to be working now too. It breaks my heart when someone calls and I can hear her crying in the background, but I just keep telling myself that it will be good for her to be around other people, blah blah blah. But the thing is, I worked really hard to get her here, and now I have to let someone else care for her so we can have a house and insurance and the formula she can eat and that sucks.


Cheryl said...

I am sorry, I know it must be difficult. I hope it gets easier soon.

chipz95 said...

I'm glad the daycare is working out. If you ever need to talk, let me know. I still cry every day and it's been 2 weeks :). Take care - I'm thinking of you!

Me said...

I admit that I often don't delve too deeply into the picture posts... they tug my heartstrings a little too much... so I didn't realize how FREAKING HUGE he is. Wow!

Best of luck adjusting to the new routine. Having dealt with my husband's illness, I know that, on some level, it does feel good to get back to some semblance of normalcy, even if it feels like the shoe doesn't quite fit. :)