Monday, August 17, 2009

Chocolate Pudding

A bit of insomnia tonight. It's after 3 and I got tired of tossing and turning in bed, so I gave up and came to stare mindlessly at the computer.

I was reading a blog post about a year ago and thought I'd go back and see where we were a year ago. I do so periodically. The difference between this time last year and this year is always profound.

In some ways our days in the NICU seem so fresh. In others, a million miles away. Recently a friend gave birth at 32 weeks and while talking to her through her experiences, it's meant a bit of reliving it for me. That's both good and bad.

On this day last year, Robbie nursed for the first time.

What an amazing day it was. I love re-reading that post because it was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. I really, truly felt like a mom, maybe for the first time, that day. I was finally doing something for him that no one else could. Sure, other women could make milk, but I was making milk made just for him.

This year, he barely eats anything at all. He still gets the milk made just for him, but now it's pumped into a port into his stomach instead of gulped by a contented face.

Today I did some shopping. I heard a little boy, maybe 4, ask his mother for some vanilla and chocolate mixed pudding. My eyes welled up with tears in the aisle. Will Robbie ever ask for pudding? He's not speaking with purpose yet. Will he learn the word pudding? Will he be able to form the word correctly? Will he ever want pudding? Be willing to eat it? All these are questions I don't have the answers to.

But I'll always have that day last year, when he latched on despite every one's assurances that he wouldn't. I'll never forget the moment when he smiled and the tears sprang from my eyes. I didn't have a hand free to wipe them, so I just cried happiness onto his head.

I did the same tonight when I snuck in to rock him a little. He's a big boy now with no time to snuggle his mom when he's awake. He'd rather look around, grabbing at things he shouldn't have, grunting because he wants to practice his standing up. So when he sleeps, sometimes I sneak in and pick him up and rock him. He grunts and whines a little, his sleep disturbed just enough to protest without opening his eyes. But then I rock and whisper how much I love him.

In those moments, the answers to the unasked questions don't matter. All that matters is that he's my son and I will always love him. Even if he can't ask for chocolate pudding.




The 16th was the anniversary of my first baby's due date. Rest in peace my baby angel. You'll never be forgotten or unloved. I hope you're having the very best chocolate pudding in heaven.


Ivory said...

hugs to you :) I wish I could offer you more because you certainly deserve it!

Mrs. Spit said...

I look at Robbie, and I worry about all the things he has to do, and how stressful that is, and then I think back, and I remember all the things he has done, how far he has come, and suddenly, suddenly I know exactly how Trish and David and Robbie will make it.

Hugs Trish.

caitsmom said...

I love this statement, "I didn't have a hand free to wipe them, so I just cried happiness onto his head." Wiping away our tears is overrated. The tears are well deserved! Peace.

The Gonce's said...

There are tears of happiness for you in my eyes. :) Robbie has made it through so much in the past (and all of us readers) could not be more proud. Even without chocolate pudding!

Two Hands said...

I am with Mrs. Spit. He has come so far, he will get there. Robbie is amazing, I wonder where he got that from (hint hint).
Big hugs for you and for the little one who is eating heaven's chocolate pudding and smiling at Robbie.

SeaBird said...

I saw the "Chocolate pudding" headline under the BlogHer ad and figured I'd find a recipe, but instead I found a very touching post that i could totally connect with. Our twins were born at 34 weeks and I had the same NICU nursing experience - although it sounds like you had more luck than I did... I never ended up nursing. But then four weeks ago our third son came a month early and we spent a terrible week transitioning from bottle to breast, but now it's finally happening. Anyway, just wanted to say that I can kinda sorta understand some of what you've been through. Keep up the good work!

FattyPants said...

Oh man I had to read back and catch up. Robby is looking fantastic. He is such a handsome young man. Loved the part about the happy tears. Those should be shared, not wiped into a tissue.

El said...

Trish- what a great post. I know the feelings your talking about exactly. The other day, Seth was crawling without his processors on and I couldn't get his attention, and all of a sudden I realized all over again that he's deaf. That sounds so silly, but it felt like a shock. Robbie is making so much progress. That's what we have to hold on to.