This morning the phone rang at 7:30. That's an unGodly hour around here (I'm working 2nd shift these days. I sleep until Robbie gets up, usually around 8:30 or 9.) Robbie heard it and immediately started shouting "Hallo! HALLO? HALLO!" (yes, his hello sounds oddly British.) I did not answer the phone, but I did smile at my son's immediate response. Fortunately he went right back to sleep. Kids are amazing.
After we then got up at a more decent hour (closer to 9) I checked the voicemail. It was my RE's secretary calling to get some info for preauthorization. Whoa. That sure felt real. I spoke to her when I set up the appointment, but this was like... really happening. Our appointment is in 4 days. Really.
When I called her back, she seemed short, though. It surprised me because she's usually quite friendly. This time, however, she seemed annoyed. She asked a few questions about our history, so she could apply for the pre-auth. Then she asked what our coverage is. I told her it was 100% because it is mandated in Illinois. (The clinic is in Missouri but since I live and work in Illinois, those laws apply.) She seemed almost irritated, "They're going to cover it..........again?" Um, yes?
After we hung up, her tone had me worried, so I double checked the statute in Illinois. There is no provision about number of children. It will only pay for 2 egg retrievals (for IVF) after a live birth, but that is the only reference to previous children at all. After I confirmed that, I set about being annoyed.
I'm not sure what her tone was implying. Perhaps she thinks the law is stupid? Skeptical that the medical coverage is truly there. Maybe she even thinks it's selfish to want a second child? I honestly don't know. Whatever it was, it certainly made me defensive.
The feeling of selfishness is something I've really struggled with. The fertiles of the world often imply that any infertile attempting to conceive is selfish. "But there are so many babies in the world who need parents." (Not sure why they aren't out adopting all these babies themselves. Maybe they can pick up a cute one for me while they're at the baby store. But I digress.) And then there is the fact that I DID conceive and have this amazing little boy with a transient British accent. How can I want more?
I know that having a child is selfish on some level. The reasons or background don't matter. Bringing another life into the world purely for the joy of watching them grow is selfish. And here I am hoping to do it again. I can't help but feel a little guilty about it. (Guilt IS what I do best.)
Hearing that tone today, it hurt. And it also brought back a lot of feelings of inadequacy that have been buried for a while. Having been out of the infertility closet for so long, it's actually rare that those feelings creep in. But it's funny how a careless comment or disapproving tone can dredge them all back up. I hadn't missed them at all.
But regardless of snotty secretaries or my own unresolved guilt, we are moving forward. Four days and counting.