Due to scheduling conflict of Dr. K's, my ultrasound got moved up to tomorrow. Fortunately David was able to work around some meetings to get away to join me. My symptoms have definitely waned the last few days, so my anxiety level has sky-rocketed. For the first time this pregnancy I feel a truly intense sense of foreboding.
I keep trying to focus on a good outcome from tomorrows appointment- seeing a heartbeat, David holds my hand, we both cry. I hug Dr. K good-bye. I go home and call my OB and make my first appointment.
But I keep getting lost in the memory of the quiet ultrasound- the u/s tech desperately hoping to find an angle in which the heart really is beating. The look of resignation from David. The sympathetic eyes from Dr. K. Going home to cry and eat ice cream in bed.
I know that no matter what happens, we will get through it. We have survived the silent ultrasound before. And honestly, if things go well, it leads to even scarier times. The fact of the matter is that pregnancy for us will never be simple. It will never be easy or without stress or worry.
Tomorrow will tell is which kind of stress we deal with next. The grief of another loss or the worry of a pregnancy.