Monday, July 25, 2011

19w4d: Anxiety

Today has been a rough day. I started the day with a headache that just wouldn't quit. Around lunch time it got significantly worse, so I took my BP. it was consistently around 150/90. I panicked.

I told myself to calm down that I didn't feel great, it was just one point in time, pre-e at 19 weeks isn't impossible, but it's really rare, I'm not swollen etc. My stomach churned in knots anyway.

I had to go to work, so I decided to check it again in an hour and if it was still high, I'd call the doctor and ask to be seen. Then I spent the next hour imagining the worst in my head.

I got to work and checked it again. Around 135/85. Pretty normal for me, at least pre-pregnancy (it's actually been lower since being pregnant, though.) I felt a little better.

Waited another hour, checked it again. 122/77. Yeah, probably going to be just fine.

Of course, my stomach was still in knots. My hands were still shaking. Then I started to convince myself that the stomach ache was epigastric pain. I ate tums and eventually took a zantac and finally started to feel better. Continued to monitor my BP and it's consistently been low 120s/low-mid 70s.

I hate what pre-e does to me. I feel like I've had a pretty good reign on anxiety, but then something happens, and I'm off the deep end. I was 100% aware of the fact that this was Anxiety Disorder Freak Out and not to be taken seriously, but I was powerless to stop it.

I still feel shaken up tonight. Nineteen weeks (and 4 days!) is way too far from viability. 24 weeks isn't far enough either, but I know that at this point, there is literally nothing to be done. And the images in my head were far too real. Sometimes an active imagination is overrated.

My next appointment is Friday. I'll be having my anatomy scan and seeing one of the peris. (One I actually haven't met yet.) I guess we'll see how things go then. If I can stay sane long enough.



Mrs.Spit said...

Hang in there love.

NoVaIrish said...

Sanity is over rated. I'll come help out if we need to put you in a straight jacket :)

Becky said...

Big hugs hun. Keeping you in my prayers. Extra prayers for some peace.

Heather said...

Hang in there. Hope everything gets a little more relaxed.

Mab said...

Oh, Trish. I feel for you. On one hand, I have SO much confidence that this baby is going to be a fantastic full termie, but on the other, I feel anxiety with you.

*HUGS* Remember - every step of this process has been easier for this one than with Robbie. It's GOING to be better. It WILL, dammit!

Bridie said...

Hang in there! I'm really not into this sort of thing, but I wonder if something lke hypnosis would help with anxiety?

Searching said...

You are in my prayers!

Deep Thinker said...

Big hugs to you, I know you can do it - just hang in there!

A and W mom said...

An active imagination is definitely overrated. (((HUGS))) and prayers

chipz95 said...

Thinking of you my friend. And always keeping you and that peanut in my prayers.