The emotional roller coast of being pregnant again is astounding. I can go from completely confident to sheer gut-wrenching terror in under 4 seconds. It doesn't take anything. A headache, swollen feet, some bubbles in my pee and I'm certain this is the beginning of the end. I think edging towards viability, and towards Robbie's gestational age at birth, is freaking me out more, not less.
Truthfully, things have been good. I've actually had more trouble with my blood pressure being too low than too high. (Felt really cruddy earlier and actually registered 87/63 at one point. I'm lucky I was still able to sit upright, though standing was definitely out of the question.) I had a panic on Thursday when my feet swelled up like tree trunks all of a sudden. I had just been to the OB earlier that morning where my protein and BP were fine, but my feet felt like stuffed sausages all of a sudden. Then I looked up the sodium content of the chili I had for dinner and nearly passed out. More than 2000mg. In a freaking bowl of chili from Steak and Shake. I won't do that again. Every time I get scared, if I just wait an hour and take some deep breaths, things turn around. I'm just so damned paranoid.
One minute I'm wondering if I could ever convince my OB to wait and deliver me at 38 weeks instead of 37 (I know she won't. Both she and my peris are adamant it isn't safe, but I can daydream) and the next I'm running through a list of protocols for the NICU for this baby (no one sees him/her but David until I do, sign on the isolette about being present for first baths, feedings etc.) If I'm forgetful, it's not "baby brain" it's just that I'm so busy working on plans in my head that I'm too distracted to remember to lock the car doors when I get to work.
I had my anatomy scan a week ago and all was "perfect." I saw the one remaining peri in the practice I hadn't seen. I really liked him a lot. He was very pleased to report that all measurements were exactly right. (I watched. I was 20w1d at the exam and everything measured between 19w6d & 20w6d.) I passed my first GTT with flying colors. I still hate that orange cola, though. Good golly that shit is nasty.
My next growth scan is at 24 weeks and that's the point where I start seeing doctors a lot (more.) I have also already been warned that I'll have to do another 24 hour urine then. I hate the damned pee jug more than anything. The worst part is that it's probably the most important test for me since it was my kidneys that bore the brunt of the preeclampsia. I know there is no avoiding them. Doesn't make them any more pleasant, though.
The baby has been moving and kicking a lot. Just like Robbie, s/he tends to hang out in the breech position, with feet squarely ensconced in my bladder. My placenta has also apparently grown forward into an anterior position again, though way at the top of my uterus, so I can feel the low movement, but very little of the high. I am still loving every kick, though- even the ones that really kinda hurt.
Robbie still doesn't seem to grasp the concept of a sibling. He seems to think babies are cute, though and treats them pretty gently so hopefully when the big surprise comes, he'll take it okay. But we'll see. Otherwise he's doing great. I need to do a big post on just what he's been up to, but his 3year well-baby check is Tuesday (yeah, it's a little late. They were booked!) so I figure I'll do it then when I can add complete stats. Suffice it to say that he amazes me every day. I really don't think I'm ever going to get used to him talking and eating and drinking just like it's the most perfectly natural thing ever. I count my blessings as his mother every day.
I am trying very hard to focus on the blessings of this pregnancy, trying to read into the "good signs" instead of focusing on the bad ones. But the general feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop lingers. I hope that as I start to pass milestones, that will ease, but I don't know if it will. It's definitely work every day to let go and let God.
I have mostly been trying to keep myself distracted. I actually set a goal to read 50 books this year so I've been working towards that. I set that goal before I got pregnant again and I know that once the baby comes, the time to read will shrink to mostly nothing, so I need to get a little ahead. So far I'm about on track (I'm at 28 read so far.) but I need to kick it into gear a little to get ahead for at least December.
Of course, when I'm in my Debbie Downer funks I think "well, when I go on bedrest, I can read a bunch then. If it lasts long enough and I'm not stoned out of my gourd on mag." And then I shake myself out of that. No planning for Bad Shit. Positive Vibes and The Secret and all that mumbo jumbo.
Anyway, on that note, I think I'll go do some reading now. Next up is "The Help." So far no one has said they DIDN'T like it, so I have high hopes. Feel free to recommend your favorites. Please, no dark shit. My anxiety-ridden brain apparently can't take anything too intense these days or I have nightmares. I generally prefer funny mysteries a la Janet Evanovich or Lisa Lutz. I also apparently have a thing for Vampire porn, no matter how trashy. (Yes, JR Ward, I'm looking at YOU.) If you love anything in that vein (get it, vein? Vampires! ha!) please let me know. I'm always up for new brain candy.