Sunday, August 7, 2011

21w3d: Still kicking

The emotional roller coast of being pregnant again is astounding. I can go from completely confident to sheer gut-wrenching terror in under 4 seconds. It doesn't take anything. A headache, swollen feet, some bubbles in my pee and I'm certain this is the beginning of the end. I think edging towards viability, and towards Robbie's gestational age at birth, is freaking me out more, not less.

Truthfully, things have been good. I've actually had more trouble with my blood pressure being too low than too high. (Felt really cruddy earlier and actually registered 87/63 at one point. I'm lucky I was still able to sit upright, though standing was definitely out of the question.) I had a panic on Thursday when my feet swelled up like tree trunks all of a sudden. I had just been to the OB earlier that morning where my protein and BP were fine, but my feet felt like stuffed sausages all of a sudden. Then I looked up the sodium content of the chili I had for dinner and nearly passed out. More than 2000mg. In a freaking bowl of chili from Steak and Shake. I won't do that again. Every time I get scared, if I just wait an hour and take some deep breaths, things turn around. I'm just so damned paranoid.

One minute I'm wondering if I could ever convince my OB to wait and deliver me at 38 weeks instead of 37 (I know she won't. Both she and my peris are adamant it isn't safe, but I can daydream) and the next I'm running through a list of protocols for the NICU for this baby (no one sees him/her but David until I do, sign on the isolette about being present for first baths, feedings etc.) If I'm forgetful, it's not "baby brain" it's just that I'm so busy working on plans in my head that I'm too distracted to remember to lock the car doors when I get to work.

I had my anatomy scan a week ago and all was "perfect." I saw the one remaining peri in the practice I hadn't seen. I really liked him a lot. He was very pleased to report that all measurements were exactly right. (I watched. I was 20w1d at the exam and everything measured between 19w6d & 20w6d.) I passed my first GTT with flying colors. I still hate that orange cola, though. Good golly that shit is nasty.

My next growth scan is at 24 weeks and that's the point where I start seeing doctors a lot (more.) I have also already been warned that I'll have to do another 24 hour urine then. I hate the damned pee jug more than anything. The worst part is that it's probably the most important test for me since it was my kidneys that bore the brunt of the preeclampsia. I know there is no avoiding them. Doesn't make them any more pleasant, though.

The baby has been moving and kicking a lot. Just like Robbie, s/he tends to hang out in the breech position, with feet squarely ensconced in my bladder. My placenta has also apparently grown forward into an anterior position again, though way at the top of my uterus, so I can feel the low movement, but very little of the high. I am still loving every kick, though- even the ones that really kinda hurt.

Robbie still doesn't seem to grasp the concept of a sibling. He seems to think babies are cute, though and treats them pretty gently so hopefully when the big surprise comes, he'll take it okay. But we'll see. Otherwise he's doing great. I need to do a big post on just what he's been up to, but his 3year well-baby check is Tuesday (yeah, it's a little late. They were booked!) so I figure I'll do it then when I can add complete stats. Suffice it to say that he amazes me every day. I really don't think I'm ever going to get used to him talking and eating and drinking just like it's the most perfectly natural thing ever. I count my blessings as his mother every day.

I am trying very hard to focus on the blessings of this pregnancy, trying to read into the "good signs" instead of focusing on the bad ones. But the general feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop lingers. I hope that as I start to pass milestones, that will ease, but I don't know if it will. It's definitely work every day to let go and let God.

I have mostly been trying to keep myself distracted. I actually set a goal to read 50 books this year so I've been working towards that. I set that goal before I got pregnant again and I know that once the baby comes, the time to read will shrink to mostly nothing, so I need to get a little ahead. So far I'm about on track (I'm at 28 read so far.) but I need to kick it into gear a little to get ahead for at least December.

Of course, when I'm in my Debbie Downer funks I think "well, when I go on bedrest, I can read a bunch then. If it lasts long enough and I'm not stoned out of my gourd on mag." And then I shake myself out of that. No planning for Bad Shit. Positive Vibes and The Secret and all that mumbo jumbo.

Anyway, on that note, I think I'll go do some reading now. Next up is "The Help." So far no one has said they DIDN'T like it, so I have high hopes. Feel free to recommend your favorites. Please, no dark shit. My anxiety-ridden brain apparently can't take anything too intense these days or I have nightmares. I generally prefer funny mysteries a la Janet Evanovich or Lisa Lutz. I also apparently have a thing for Vampire porn, no matter how trashy. (Yes, JR Ward, I'm looking at YOU.) If you love anything in that vein (get it, vein? Vampires! ha!) please let me know. I'm always up for new brain candy.



Cate said...

So glad you are all doing well. Continuing to hold you all in good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Haha- I've read JR Ward and Janet Evanovich! We have the same book tastes! I am also 22 weeks and 2 days, and though I didn't have any problems with my first pregnancy- as a nurse I have a lot of irrational worries. Anyways- I check in with you often. Hoping that everything goes as well as possible! PS- try reading Charlaine Harris! Good stuff.- Rachel :)

Bridie said...

*only* sixteen weeks left. hang in there lady!!

S said...

I'm so happy that things are uneventful! I had an induction at 37 weeks with my youngest, and she was just fine!!

The 24 hour urine is the pits. I was on about hour 18 of a 24. Went to the doctor, protein was high, sent to the hospital for monitoring, went to the bathroom, used the "hat" in the toilet, got up, hat tipped, urine in the toilet. I had to start over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVED The Help. It was wonderful!! Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Long time lurker - so happy to hear that everything is going well. I've been checking for an update. And I forget, will you/did you find out the gender?


Searching said...

Thanks for the report! Hope things get less anxious as the weeks tick on & you are still incubating the precious cargo past Robbie's gestation. Praying hard for you. I wish you could get to a point of relaxing about it, but I understand. It's a scary thing, pregnancy. So glad about the anatomy scan & that the last doc was great, too! Lots of good news, Trish!!

Trish said...

Thanks Rachel, I'll check her stuff out!

Tracy- nope, we are team green, same as we were with Robbie. We would have found out at the anatomy scan if we wanted (though they've offered to check at each of my ultrasounds starting with my NT scan at 12w) but we held firm.

S- that is my biggest fear at home. Either spilling or just plain forgetting to pee in the hat.

Leah said...

Glad to hear everything is going good. I love Sue Graftons alphabet series. A is for Alibi etc. Female private detective in late 80's, pretty easy read, and she is currently on U so you will have reading for awhile. The library has them.

Heather said...

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!!! Glad to hear all is going well and I keep thinking good thoughts for you!!!

Adriane said...

I am so happy to see this update. Sounds like things are going well - I would be a nervous wreck, too, I really would.

Love the 50 books goal!! Are you at the same hospital as last time? I had certain Peris I liked and others I didn't. M.o.o.r.e was my fave. Loved her.

Big hugs to you!!!

Trish said...

Adriane- yes, same hospital. Moore is the one who came recommended, but she's actually the one I call Dr. Bitchy. She's okay, but our first meeting was less than ideal. What's funny is that I've yet to see her my entire pregnancy because she's been on vacation or out when I needed to be seen.
I saw Webb last time and really liked him.

A and W mom said...

Keeping the prayers coming, especially through that 23w phase. Love you!