Things have been pretty okay this week. I'm at my mother-in-law's for the week. David is at home, but the kids and I are here. Having another woman- a mom- around is pretty awesome. David's been amazing but there is nothing like a mom to see what needs to be done and do it without having to be directed. It's almost enough to make me consider taking a sister-wife. If only David could keep up with two of us.
It's also been interesting to be mothered so consistently. David asked me the other night what it was like to have a mom. I said it was pretty awesome. Having grown up without one, it's amazing to see how the other half lived. My dad was (is) a great dad, but again, a mom just gets things that most men don't. I walked into my room tonight and just stared at a basket of clean laundry. When I'd left my room earlier it was dirty and now it was clean. That's.....magic. A girl could get used to being taken care of.
Of course, being me, I managed to let that give me anxiety tonight. She is driving back with me on Friday and then will drive herself home (David took her car home) on Saturday. I had a thought about how I'd miss the help on Sunday and WHAM! anxiety set in. Even though things really have been improving, my biggest fear is still being alone with the kids. As soon as it hit me, I started talking myself through it. I AM alone with the kids ALL the time. Hell, my MIL has a job, I've been alone with the kids while I've been here. And they seem to be doing just fine. But once in a while all I can think is how tired and overwhelmed I am and how will I ever get through it.
That rolled into wondering if I ever won't be afraid again. What if I feel like this forever? What if I can't enjoy the kids, what if I don't want to be alone with them, what if they know I am scared? Will they think I don't love them? Is this what my mother felt like? Is this why she left me? What if I snap and leave my kids like she left me? (And whoa. Typing that out makes me realize that I CLEARLY still have mommy issues that I thought I'd worked through. Mental note to bring that up in therapy next week.) Cue hands shaking, stomach churning, brink of tears.
My MIL was bathing Robbie. I put Charlotte in the moby and went to join them. She offered to let me sit and I explained that I was feeling anxious and was better off pacing and burning off the energy. She was very sympathetic. We talked about the physical feeling of anxiety and how nonsensical it is. I just hate it. She's very encouraging, and we both help therapy will help. But I'm so frustrated that something as mundane as "sure will miss her when she's back home" turns into what turned out to be a nearly 3 hour anxiety cycle. I'm sick of it.
I did think of this:
and held onto it. Those fears of it lasting forever are not real. They are the illness lying to me. It is a lie. Thanks to The Bloggess for it because I clung to it. And right now-now that it has passed- I think "how silly. I'm not scared of my kids. They're awesome and I've totally got this. And of course I'll get better. Think of how many people have contacted you to tell you how they've recovered..." But I also know that that hopeless feeling seems so real when I'm in the middle of it.
I hate anxiety. I hate that my own body and mind are doing this to me in spite of me knowing it's not real. I hate that even when I'm not feeling anxious, I'm thinking about when I'm going to next be anxious. I'm still having a period of tension just after dusk each night. So when I see the sun starting to set, I look at the clock and wonder when it's going to start. It's a fear-of-fear cycle that just plain blows.
I've been trying to stay busy and distracted. I'm working on gathering things for Charlotte's nursery. That's a ton of fun. Since I'm not at home, I had to call David and tell him to haul in all the boxes off the porch every night. It's going to be like another Christmas when I get home because there will be things waiting for me.
Right now the room that will be hers is David's office. It's going to move to the basement, but in order to do so, we have to have some wiring run down there (it's not finished). So I'm chomping at the bit to get it done. Hopefully when I can start painting and hanging things, that will give me both a physical and mental outlet to expend some energy. In the meantime, I'm doing a lot of online shopping (which is difficult when you're using an unreliable unsecured wifi connection, btw) and trying to ignore anything not as fun. I guess when that's done, I'm going to need a new project to focus on.
Or who knows, maybe by then I'll be all "fixed" and can just be lazy like normal. A girl can dream, eh?