Thursday, January 5, 2012

Looking forward

I wish today had been as great as yesterday. It just wasn't. It wasn't awful. I only had one flash of panic that lasted only a few minutes. But the rest of the day I just felt "off." Kinda of cloudy and tense. The pain in my chest set in just after dark (is it spring yet?) and is still on-going. It's frustrating.

I'm doing everything I can think of to help. I try to get as much activity in during the day as I can. That mostly consists of housework, but I make a concentrated effort to walk around and make it as active as possible. I'm taking fish oil, vitamin D and a probiotic on top of my regular prenatal vitamin, folguard & Lexapro. I open the blinds the minute we're up and spend as much time in the sun as I can. Hell, tonight I ordered some full spectrum light bulbs. I am eating turkey and chicken & drinking milk for the triptophan (something about it being metabolized into serotonin. Just go with it.)

I'm doing relaxation breathing and techniques during the day. I sleep when I can (that's hard right now, though), and try to do something for myself in the evenings. (Usually a bath and a book for about 45 minutes.) I hired help a day or two a week. I have a great support system and when it gets bad, I call and talk to that support system. (I've never talked to my dad so much in my life and that's saying something because we've always been close.)

Maybe I'm just being impatient. I've been on meds for a month. I know it takes time. But it feels like that time is slipping away. I spend so much time wishing time away, waiting for David to get home, or bedtime or until the weekend when I don't have to be alone and feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to do that. The time goes by so fast as it is. I can't believe Robbie's 3.5 and Charlotte's almost 2 months old. I don't want to miss out on this time with them. But right now is just not good and I can't help but wishing that we could fast-forward to the time when things are better. Or would like to know when that time will be. I really need a crystal ball, I guess.

I am concentrating on things to look forward to. The week after next I'm going to my mother in law's for a week. David will be at home, but the kids and I will stay there. She's a great help. She works part time, so she'll mostly be around to help. And of course, it's win-win because she adores the kids and enjoys helping out and I'll not have to be alone and might get a nap once in a while.

And then just a couple of weeks after I get home from there, we'll be out of quarantine. Charlotte's doctor wanted 8 weeks past her due date, which is February 9. We'll get to leave the house. Heading out with two kids is a challenge, but honestly, even just being able to run to the grocery store or Target during the day would be freeing. Robbie needs out of the house and so do I.

I'm not sure when I'm sending Robbie back to preschool just yet. I'll discussing it with his pediatrician next week, but probably mid-late February. He'll go full days 2 days a week and then just preschool (2 hours a day) another 2. I'm going to keep him home on Fridays. I know he will enjoy it. I dropped some Christmas treats and a birth announcement off to the school last week and his teacher told me that the kids still include Robbie in their story telling. They miss him. It was nice to hear. I know he misses them. He tells me that kids in his books look like his classmates. Or asks to go to school or to Tumbling (which is at school on Tuesdays.) The social interaction is important. And of course, two days a week, I can sleep when Charlotte does. I think that is good for all of us, really.

In any case, those things are what I'm focusing on when I'm feeling low. Hoping that the better days are closer than they feel. I know some day these will seem like the best days, so I'm trying to pay attention while I'm in them.



A and W mom said...

(((HUGS))) Praying hard that the better days are indeed close. Love you!

Lindsay said...

Hugs. You're not alone in this.

Carmen said...

You can get through this! My Charlotte is 6 months & slowly things DO get better. I know what you mean about "off days" - I'm finding (thanks to meds & all the tricks you're using) that there are far fewer of those kind of days. Be brave, mama. You're doing great. Hugs.

Searching said...

You do SOUND better. Fake it till you make it, right? I am glad to hear of all the steps you are taking. You are DOING all the right things, just that darn clock won't speed up. Just keep taking it bit by bit and you WILL get to those good days, the ones where the whole day is pretty nice. You will look back on this and it will seem so foreign. You WILL get there. Until that day, know you are very loved & have many prayers sent your way all day long. (& 2mo already?!?!)

Heather said...


I'm just catching up on blog reading and I've read your posts about the anxiety you've been feeling and I have been there. Probably not as bad as you, but I've done the thyroid tests and they were normal too. My doctor picked up on my anxiousness and I didn't even have to say anything. She said she heard some skips in my heartbeat that tipped her off.

I'll share with you what seems to help me. Broths and soups with seaweed in them. I'll make a broth in the morning with kombu, daikon radish and carrots. I may have the recipe on my blog somewhere. I also like a recipe for miso soup from Christine Pirello of Christine Cooks. I read somewhere that childbirth depletes your kidney qi and the seaweed helps build that back up. Plus there are so many good vitamins in it it's got to be good for your health. The other thing that helps me is to do some aerobic activity of walking very fast or I'm lucky enough to have an elliptical machine at home. Just a half hour a day seems to lighten my mood. Especially if I have some peppy music. Maybe just try to dance about the house to your favorite music with the kids. I guess that would be part of "fake it till you make it".

Hang in there and I hope you are feeling better soon! BTW, breastfeeding never stopped me from getting my period either. It totally sucks!

Kara said...

Been reading your blog forever. Kind of worried about your absence, but hoping that means things are going well and your just busy with those sweet babies. Hugs.

michelle said...

Worried about you :(

Trish said...

I'm sorry guys. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I'm okay.
I just posted an update. Thanks for checking. It means a lot.