Looking forward

I wish today had been as great as yesterday. It just wasn't. It wasn't awful. I only had one flash of panic that lasted only a few minutes. But the rest of the day I just felt "off." Kinda of cloudy and tense. The pain in my chest set in just after dark (is it spring yet?) and is still on-going. It's frustrating.

I'm doing everything I can think of to help. I try to get as much activity in during the day as I can. That mostly consists of housework, but I make a concentrated effort to walk around and make it as active as possible. I'm taking fish oil, vitamin D and a probiotic on top of my regular prenatal vitamin, folguard & Lexapro. I open the blinds the minute we're up and spend as much time in the sun as I can. Hell, tonight I ordered some full spectrum light bulbs. I am eating turkey and chicken & drinking milk for the triptophan (something about it being metabolized into serotonin. Just go with it.)

I'm doing relaxation breathing and techniques during the day. I sleep when I can (that's hard right now, though), and try to do something for myself in the evenings. (Usually a bath and a book for about 45 minutes.) I hired help a day or two a week. I have a great support system and when it gets bad, I call and talk to that support system. (I've never talked to my dad so much in my life and that's saying something because we've always been close.)

Maybe I'm just being impatient. I've been on meds for a month. I know it takes time. But it feels like that time is slipping away. I spend so much time wishing time away, waiting for David to get home, or bedtime or until the weekend when I don't have to be alone and feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to do that. The time goes by so fast as it is. I can't believe Robbie's 3.5 and Charlotte's almost 2 months old. I don't want to miss out on this time with them. But right now is just not good and I can't help but wishing that we could fast-forward to the time when things are better. Or would like to know when that time will be. I really need a crystal ball, I guess.

I am concentrating on things to look forward to. The week after next I'm going to my mother in law's for a week. David will be at home, but the kids and I will stay there. She's a great help. She works part time, so she'll mostly be around to help. And of course, it's win-win because she adores the kids and enjoys helping out and I'll not have to be alone and might get a nap once in a while.

And then just a couple of weeks after I get home from there, we'll be out of quarantine. Charlotte's doctor wanted 8 weeks past her due date, which is February 9. We'll get to leave the house. Heading out with two kids is a challenge, but honestly, even just being able to run to the grocery store or Target during the day would be freeing. Robbie needs out of the house and so do I.

I'm not sure when I'm sending Robbie back to preschool just yet. I'll discussing it with his pediatrician next week, but probably mid-late February. He'll go full days 2 days a week and then just preschool (2 hours a day) another 2. I'm going to keep him home on Fridays. I know he will enjoy it. I dropped some Christmas treats and a birth announcement off to the school last week and his teacher told me that the kids still include Robbie in their story telling. They miss him. It was nice to hear. I know he misses them. He tells me that kids in his books look like his classmates. Or asks to go to school or to Tumbling (which is at school on Tuesdays.) The social interaction is important. And of course, two days a week, I can sleep when Charlotte does. I think that is good for all of us, really.

In any case, those things are what I'm focusing on when I'm feeling low. Hoping that the better days are closer than they feel. I know some day these will seem like the best days, so I'm trying to pay attention while I'm in them.

--Trish