Winning

Last week was filled with appointments. Monday I saw my counselor and OB. Tuesday Charlotte saw her pediatrician and Friday David saw a urologist.

Counseling:
It was mostly good. She is a little hippie-crunchy-weird but she's also sweet and caring and gave me some good tools to work on my anxiety and PTSD. I have arranged to do 5 sessions and then will judge where to go from there.

OB:
Good as always. I really couldn't love my OB's office or OB any more. She did agree to change my meds. I'm now on Paxil instead of Lexapro. I don't have to go back for 3 months, though I'm to call with any trouble or if I feel like I need to up my dose. I stopped in to see the phlebotomist from whom I took Charlotte's middle name (Corrina) which is always fun. She took a look at Charlotte and said "She's so fat!" It absolutely horrified the pregnant woman who was just finishing up in the lab. I reassured her that in my world a fat baby is good.

Pediatrician:
Charlotte is kinda fat. Ya know, relatively. She was 9.5 pounds and 20.5 inches long. She was 10% height and 25% weight on the growth chart for her actual age. If we adjusted, she'd be at 40% and 70%. That was new! We got official permission to let her sleep as long as she wants at night (sshh, don't tell, I already was. I knew she was gaining weight like crazy already.) and to come out of quarantine the first week of February. THAT'S NEXT WEEK.
Obviously, we're not supposed to go crazy and keep her covered and such, but we can leave the house! I'm more excited than I even express in words. Of course, the first time she gets sick, I'm going to freak the hell out, but we will try to be careful.
She didn't want me to send Robbie back to school until we talk again at the end of February. She wants to see the glut of RSV & Flu season pass before I send him back. So I'm supposed to call towards the end of February and discuss it then. I'm still hoping to send him back the first week of March.

Urologist:
David's getting a vasectomy on Feb 10. Before I got pregnant with Charlotte, I would have told you that I wanted more than 2 children. And honestly, I'd still like to raise more. But I feel 100% certain that I am not having any more babies. Severe pre-e x 2 is plenty for me. And I'm not getting any younger. I still can't quite get used to the idea that I'll never wonder about pregnancy again. When I walked down the family planning aisle at Target last week, I almost automatically grabbed a few HPTs.
The doctor was really nice. I wish we'd seen him when David saw a urologist for his low sperm count. I hated the one he saw back then. This guy was very easy going and down to earth. And it turned out his sister had HELLP syndrome, so he was sympathetic about our history.
I'll be glad to have it done with. Honestly, even the thought of being pregnant again makes my stomach churn. Not the part about having another baby (though certainly I'd like to get a good night's sleep again before I even want to think about that, either) but the being pregnant again. It's quite a paradigm shift to go from "if I could just get pregnant" to "please don't let me be pregnant." Perhaps after the snip is done, I can just stop thinking about pregnancy, period. That would be new and strange.

Anxiety:
I think I'm in a decent place. The side effects from the Paxil are lower than those on the Lexapro and I think the anxiety is a little better controlled.Honestly I've felt pretty sane for almost 2 weeks now.

Last night the smoke detectors went off (crumbs in the oven.) Our house is one of those where they are all wired together so when one goes off, they ALL go off. Robbie freaked the hell out. I can't say I enjoyed it much better, but of course, my focus was on covering his ears and getting it fixed.
After it was over, I was shaking. I wasn't scared by any means, but I guess just my startle reflex set off my nervous system and it just can't shut off after that.

Today it continued off and on. And it's been back tonight a bit. The different is that it's only physical. My hands are shaky and I'm tense, but I feel completely lucid. So even the breakthrough anxiety is not nearly as severe as it was. I think the Paxil is a better choice for me. And again, Charlotte doesn't seem to be having any reaction to it. She's still amazing and thriving.

There are still good days and bad days, but the bad days are rarer and less severe. The good days are more common and more fulfilling. I am able to enjoy being a mom again. All in all, life is feeling pretty good right now.

--Trish