Moving forward

I called my OB/GYN this morning for three reasons.

1) I needed my next round of Clomid called in.

2) I needed to let the insurance handler lady know to get my next IUI pre-approved.

3) I wanted to ask about a referral to a new R.E.

When my insurance changed in January, my old R.E. was no longer covered. The office that was now covered is actually familiar to me. The R.E. I had in '06 (Dr. Keller) actually used to work there. And a friend of mine was actually going there. My friend didn't have great things to say about the office or her doctor. I was less than thrilled. (She has sinced switched to Dr. Keller.)

When I let Dr. Keller know that I was going to have to change doctors, I told her about my concerns about her old office. She didn't say anything bad about the office but she hemmed and hawed enough to let me know that I wasn't wrong. She also recommended two of the doctors in the office. She specifically said that one of them would probably fit my personality better. (I should have asked what that meant. I think she's calling me high maintenance. Hahaha)

Now, the friend of mine that had gone to the new R.E.'s office had already told me it took her nearly 3 months to get a new patient appointment so that was another tick against them. I wanted to start IUIs as soon as my body healed from the miscarriage.

I was nervous as hell because I really didn't want to go. I also had to change GYNs because of my insurance change. That wasn't any great burden, really. My GYN had actually recently moved to California and I'd only seen the new one once. She was nice enough, but nothing to rave about.

I like my new GYN quite a bit and it turned out that she was able to do IUIs in her office. No referral to an R.E. required. Since we got pregnant on our first IUI last time, I was obviously overjoyed.

Clearly, we weren't quite as lucky this time.

So today I figured that I'd call the new R.E.'s office and make an appointment. I figured it would take 3 months to get an appointment, giving me time for at least 2 more IUIs through my GYNs office and not much lag in between.

Much to my surprise, the first open appointment for Dr. Moley - my new R.E.- was May 8th. Less than a month from now.


So, I picked up my Clomid, and in just under 2 weeks I'll have another IUI with my GYN. If I ovulate when I expect, I'll be approximately 11dpo when I see the new R.E. I really hope that appointment is pointless and wasteful. Hopefully I'll already be pregnant. But if not, I'm prepared.

I think that's probably a good thing. While I dread going to an office that has a bad reputation (long waits, lost bloodwork, poor attitudes) I do like going back to an actual infertility specialist. My infertility coverage is amazingly good. May as well take advantage of it. I hope this might include some monitoring and maybe a trigger shot.

Since I have such notoriously horrid trouble with OPKs I'd like to get a little more aggressive if I'm not pregnant after this IUI.


All in all, it was a day of planning. Mostly for the worst-case-scenario. I have high hopes that it won't come to that, but I like to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

So, speaking of moving (forward, that is) it's time to get off my butt and take my ovary swelling pills.

Ahh.. sweet Clomid.

Maybe the month of May

Temp was way down this morning - 96.94. I knew for sure that it was over, then. And figured that was at least a good sign that the cyst I'm convinced I had was calming down. Sure enough, before I left for work the spotting turned into ... well, not flow... but heavy spotting, anyway.

Got to work at 1:30 and a couple of hours later, the cramps set in.

I'm still not having what I'd call a normal period, but I've yet to have what I'd call a normal period while on Clomid. It didn't really turn into something I'd call a real flow until it was too late to call the doctor. So I guess I call early Monday morning and make them call the next round of Clomid in to the pharmacy. Depending how you count day 1, that'll be day 3 or 4.
I think I'll start the pills Monday night.

My old R.E. had me taking the Clomid CD3-7. My current GYN prefers 5-9. I read an article a while back that says that those taking it 5-9 has twice the miscarriage rate as 3-7. Plus I never had this cyst/lateness when I was on 3-7, so I tend to prefer that.

David and I layed and talked a long time last night. I was very upset and feeling very alone. I told him about how unfair it was and how sick of everything I am.

It's funny. We're trying so hard to have a baby, but I'm SO SICK OF TALKING ABOUT BABIES. It seems like I'm surrounded by them - pregnant women and newborns and parents. And they all want to talk about their babies.

Completely reasonable, of course. And when I finally manage to have a baby, I'll want to do the same. But for now, it just seems like if I want to take a minute to think about something else, there's nowhere to turn. I know it's part reality and part my own perception. But wow, it's exhausting.

The resentment has faded. I really don't feel that burning jealousy that I felt for a while. I think God and I have worked through that. But I still feel so sad. So angry at my own circumstances.
Even at David, sometimes.

It seems so unfair. He tried to suggest I take a few days off. I had to explain that if I take a few days off, I risk missing a symptom that could be important. I miss a temperature shift or something I'll want to know later. So I have to take my temperature, pee on sticks, analyze every twinge, take pills, and probe my vagina every day.

I told him how it feels when he has nothing to say. As though he doesn't care, doesn't take an interest. When he scowls at me if I tell him I'm jealous, I feel even worse.

He tells me that he does care. But that all he can do is wait-and-see. He tells me I just need to relax.

How exactly is that possible? He can turn his mind off and wait for me to tell him to do his business in a cup. And then wait for me to tell him I'm pregnant or not. I'm the one with swollen ovaries. I'm the one trying to determine if the OPK is the exact right shade to be positive. I'm the one running to the bathroom every hour to check for blood. I'm a woman. I don't have the luxury of relaxing.

I think he finally seemed to sort of get it. He held me. He's a good man and a good husband. Just shutting up and listening without judgement was a lot. And today I feel a little better, emotionally.

I'm just ready to get on with it. Aunt Flow is here as I wished. Now I wish her away and wait for ovulation. Such is the cycle of infertility. Just when you think you can't go on. Hope says "maybe May is our Month..."

Still no period.

And I think I've now peed on at least $50 worth of pee sticks which all agree that I'm not pregnant.


A brief history of the last 24 hours. Not for the squeamish:

--Middle of the evening last night I went to the bathroom and wiped. It looked a little pinkish. I wiped again. Had some cervical mucous tinged with blood. Definitely not mistaken.
My heart dropped, a tear spilled from my right eye. Heart broken. Convinced it was my period starting, I returned to my desk at work and fought tears. My stomach was in knots. I waited for the cramps to start.

--A couple of hours later, wondering where my cramps were, I visited the ladies room again. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Odd. But maybe it just happened to catch a spot and Aunt Flow is headed this way.


--Off work about 10pm. Home to obsess. Went to the bathroom. Nothing. My stomach is not feeling so good. Spent some time on the toilet. (I warned you. Not for the squeamish.) I decide to check my CM to see if it's still a little bloody or if there is any or what. Next thing I know, I'm bleeding. Like - really bleeding. I actually think I may have scratched myself. The blood is BRIGHT red...doesn't look like period blood at all.
I decide to give it an hour or so and check again. To pass the time, I cut off my fingernails. It's for a good cause.

-- The rest of the night- NOTHING.

-- Get up this morning, take my temperature. 97.7. Just low enough to be confusing and high enough that I don't think it's period time. Pee on yet another stick. NOT PREGNANT. Yeah. I got that. Traipse back to bed and try to decide if I should call the doctor or what.

--Get up in time for work. Pee. No blood. Leave a message for the doctor's office. Nervous again. Damned nervous stomach takes over AGAIN. Back to the bathroom. Wipe. Blood. Plenty of it. Bright red, though. Doesn't look like period blood at all. But I definitely didn't scratch myself.

--Head to work. I start thinking about everything, and wait for the doc's office to call.

--Get to work. Decide that I'm not pregnant. No, that's not just me trying not to get my hopes up. I really don't think I am. I think it's a cyst. It makes sense. I'm 16dpo. I should be getting a positive pregnancy test by now if I'm pregnant. I don't feel pregnant. Yes, my nipples hurt. But that's it. I don't feel bloated, I don't feel crampy. I don't feel anything I felt last time. If it's a corpus luteum cyst that just won't go away, that would cause the breast pain. I also have been very crampy in my left ovary. I didn't think much of it because I had the same thing the entire time I was pregnant. Even after my D&C, the first time she checked my ovaries I almost screamed when she touched the left one. No biggie. But it would explain why my temps are slightly elevated, but not full on pregnancy high. It could also explain the spotting. If it's filled with blood and I'm straining, I'm probably irritating it.

-- The doctor's office FINALLY calls back about 6pm. (Who knew they were even in that late?) Nurse informs me that they won't do a beta until I'm a week late. I'm just supposed to wait.


-- I get mad. I stay mad.


And that's pretty much where I am at this point. I think it's stupid and frustrating that the doctor's office won't do the test. If I'm truly not pregnant, then let's get to the business of starting the next cycle. Which means treating this cyst. Waiting til Tuesday isn't going to change anything. I really don't understand the logic of waiting a week. What is going to be any different then? NOTHING.

I will be discussing this with the doctor when I see her. Probably next week. I'm not real sure on how exactly they'd treat a cyst. I'm hoping there is some other option beside a month of birth control pills. Anyone out there with any more info on this is welcome to clue me in.


I feel surprisingly okay. I think getting mad at the doc's office helped (along with a good dose of prayer.) Instead of focusing on my sadness, I could focus anger at them. My husband sounded very disappointed and I felt really bad about that. But I'm trying not to think about that too much. Just looking to the next step.


With that, I leave you with yet more Dixie Chicks lyrics:

They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round

--Trish

15dpo update

Still no period. No cramps and really no bloating to speak of.

My temp was way down this morning again. 97.25.

The First Response Early Result HPT I took at 2am had 1 line. Not so much as an evaporation line.
The digital Clear Blue Easy I took at 8am concurred. "NOT PREGNANT."

You know, when I was pregnant in December, I used the CBE Digital and I loved seeing "PREGNANT" but today.. that "NOT" in front of it felt like a slap in the face. Somehow the absence of a 2nd line seems less........ mean.


Anyway, a brief history of my first pregnancy result.

14dpo morning: internet cheapie (IC) had what appeared to be an evaporation line as a 2nd line
14dpo evening: IC totally negative
15dpo evening: again with the "shadow" (David's word)
16dpo: bought some "real" tests
17dpo morning: CBE digital came up "PREGNANT" in about 30 seconds.

I blamed the internet cheapies for not working well, but maybe (Hope is going to bite me in the ass, isn't she?) it just taking a while to show up for me.

I have a lot of trouble getting OPKs to work for me (Of many brands) and I know I'm ovulation because my progesterone tests say so.

Hell, I know I ovulated this month. My 7dpo progesterone was 25.7. But where, oh where, is Aunt Flow? I swear that bitch is cruel.

Limbo sucks.


Trish

Has anyone seen my Aunt?

I'm hesitant to post this.

I think I'm late.

My period started about 5am (I woke up with cramps) on March 13th. When I'm on Clomid, I'm pretty much a 28 day girl. Like clock work. Without Clomid, it's more like 25 or 26. The only cycle I've had longer than 28 days in the last 10 years or so was the first after the miscarriage. It was 35 days. (And the ones I didn't have at all when I was on Depo. But those don't count.) If you count a day as a 24 hour period, I seem to be well into day 29.

Now, you all know I tested 2 days ago and had a very definitive NO. So I don't know what to think.


A friend of mine calls her false pregnancy symptoms "Mind Fetus." I.E. Mind Fetus is making my boobs hurt. I've tried to come up with something more clever, but damn it, I like it. I think it's very appropriate.

Mind Fetus doesn't seem to be doing much for me. But just enough to make me question. Which is pretty much the definition of Mind Fetus.

Here are the facts.

My first pregnancy:

--I had cramps from the day of my IUI through about my 6th week of pregnancy.

--I was bloated to the point that I was ready for maternity pants at 6w.

--My boobs started hurting about 8dpo. Not badly, but a little tender to the touch. A few days in the 5th & 6th weeks they hurt bad enough to keep me from hugging my husband properly.

--My temps hovered around 98.2 until after the D&C.

--I had some sticky cervical mucous around 10dpo and then really heavily at 14dpo and thereafter.

--It hurt to lay on my right side. The pain was on my left side.. like the weight of my gut was pressing on my left ovary and it was unhappy. My not-a-medical-professional theory was that I had a corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and it was, indeed, not happy.


This week:

--I've had more than a week of creamy and/or sticky cervical mucous

--I've had faint breast twinges. I can't call it breast pain or breast tenderness. Just a sort of phantom achy feeling. If I push on 'em, they feel fine. I've even had some random nipple burning. Breast tenderness is regularly associated with PMS in my life.

--I've had a lot of twinges of pain in the general vicinity of my left ovary.

--My temp was 97.2 on Sunday (LOW) but back up well over 98 both Monday and today.

--I feel mildly bloated. Very mildly. Again- PMS symptom on a regular basis.


All in all, I don't feel pregnant. I don't really feel NOT pregnant. And of course, my mind is racing about 1000 miles per hour.
First I think Trish. You are NOT pregnant. Stop getting your hopes up.
Then I think I think I'll go buy a bib to tell David this time.
Then I think You're an idiot. You peed on a stick 2 days ago.
Then I think Yeah, but some people don't get a BFP until several days after their missed period. Hell, you didn't the last time.
Then I think Yeah, but that's cause you were using internet cheapie tests and not real ones. This time you used a real test. And it was negative.
Then I think Well, if I am pregnant and the test was negative that means the hcg wasn't high enough to register. Why isn't it high enough? What if I miscarry again? Which is really the worst thought of all.

So I don't know. I just don't know. I haven't told anyone that I'm sort of late. Not anyone. Not even David. You're the first people to officially know.

Last time I didn't tell anyone, either. A few friends said after-the-fact that they wanted to ask but didn't want to be pushy. And I actually appreciate that. It's scary to say it out loud. I mean... 4 million sperm? Sounds like a lot, but it's really... I mean REALLY... low.

When I got my negative the other night I told David how sad I was. I told him that I knew the chances of it working were probably like .5% but I couldn't help but be disappointed. But here I am. Wondering if anyone would notice if I took another trip to the bathroom. Surely a 6th one in 8 hours wouldn't seem TOO odd. Right? RIGHT?!

Be assured I'll test in the morning if there's still no sign of AF. And I'll post the results. Either way.

But if you're in the praying mood.. you know what I'm asking for.


--Trish


**update as of 2am. POAS again. Still negative. I might be starting to feel crampy. We'll see what happens by morning, I suppose.