And I think I've now peed on at least $50 worth of pee sticks which all agree that I'm not pregnant.
A brief history of the last 24 hours. Not for the squeamish:
--Middle of the evening last night I went to the bathroom and wiped. It looked a little pinkish. I wiped again. Had some cervical mucous tinged with blood. Definitely not mistaken.
My heart dropped, a tear spilled from my right eye. Heart broken. Convinced it was my period starting, I returned to my desk at work and fought tears. My stomach was in knots. I waited for the cramps to start.
--A couple of hours later, wondering where my cramps were, I visited the ladies room again. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Odd. But maybe it just happened to catch a spot and Aunt Flow is headed this way.
--Off work about 10pm. Home to obsess. Went to the bathroom. Nothing. My stomach is not feeling so good. Spent some time on the toilet. (I warned you. Not for the squeamish.) I decide to check my CM to see if it's still a little bloody or if there is any or what. Next thing I know, I'm bleeding. Like - really bleeding. I actually think I may have scratched myself. The blood is BRIGHT red...doesn't look like period blood at all.
I decide to give it an hour or so and check again. To pass the time, I cut off my fingernails. It's for a good cause.
-- The rest of the night- NOTHING.
-- Get up this morning, take my temperature. 97.7. Just low enough to be confusing and high enough that I don't think it's period time. Pee on yet another stick. NOT PREGNANT. Yeah. I got that. Traipse back to bed and try to decide if I should call the doctor or what.
--Get up in time for work. Pee. No blood. Leave a message for the doctor's office. Nervous again. Damned nervous stomach takes over AGAIN. Back to the bathroom. Wipe. Blood. Plenty of it. Bright red, though. Doesn't look like period blood at all. But I definitely didn't scratch myself.
--Head to work. I start thinking about everything, and wait for the doc's office to call.
--Get to work. Decide that I'm not pregnant. No, that's not just me trying not to get my hopes up. I really don't think I am. I think it's a cyst. It makes sense. I'm 16dpo. I should be getting a positive pregnancy test by now if I'm pregnant. I don't feel pregnant. Yes, my nipples hurt. But that's it. I don't feel bloated, I don't feel crampy. I don't feel anything I felt last time. If it's a corpus luteum cyst that just won't go away, that would cause the breast pain. I also have been very crampy in my left ovary. I didn't think much of it because I had the same thing the entire time I was pregnant. Even after my D&C, the first time she checked my ovaries I almost screamed when she touched the left one. No biggie. But it would explain why my temps are slightly elevated, but not full on pregnancy high. It could also explain the spotting. If it's filled with blood and I'm straining, I'm probably irritating it.
-- The doctor's office FINALLY calls back about 6pm. (Who knew they were even in that late?) Nurse informs me that they won't do a beta until I'm a week late. I'm just supposed to wait.
-- I get mad. I stay mad.
And that's pretty much where I am at this point. I think it's stupid and frustrating that the doctor's office won't do the test. If I'm truly not pregnant, then let's get to the business of starting the next cycle. Which means treating this cyst. Waiting til Tuesday isn't going to change anything. I really don't understand the logic of waiting a week. What is going to be any different then? NOTHING.
I will be discussing this with the doctor when I see her. Probably next week. I'm not real sure on how exactly they'd treat a cyst. I'm hoping there is some other option beside a month of birth control pills. Anyone out there with any more info on this is welcome to clue me in.
I feel surprisingly okay. I think getting mad at the doc's office helped (along with a good dose of prayer.) Instead of focusing on my sadness, I could focus anger at them. My husband sounded very disappointed and I felt really bad about that. But I'm trying not to think about that too much. Just looking to the next step.
With that, I leave you with yet more Dixie Chicks lyrics:
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round