Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Has anyone seen my Aunt?

I'm hesitant to post this.

I think I'm late.

My period started about 5am (I woke up with cramps) on March 13th. When I'm on Clomid, I'm pretty much a 28 day girl. Like clock work. Without Clomid, it's more like 25 or 26. The only cycle I've had longer than 28 days in the last 10 years or so was the first after the miscarriage. It was 35 days. (And the ones I didn't have at all when I was on Depo. But those don't count.) If you count a day as a 24 hour period, I seem to be well into day 29.

Now, you all know I tested 2 days ago and had a very definitive NO. So I don't know what to think.

A friend of mine calls her false pregnancy symptoms "Mind Fetus." I.E. Mind Fetus is making my boobs hurt. I've tried to come up with something more clever, but damn it, I like it. I think it's very appropriate.

Mind Fetus doesn't seem to be doing much for me. But just enough to make me question. Which is pretty much the definition of Mind Fetus.

Here are the facts.

My first pregnancy:

--I had cramps from the day of my IUI through about my 6th week of pregnancy.

--I was bloated to the point that I was ready for maternity pants at 6w.

--My boobs started hurting about 8dpo. Not badly, but a little tender to the touch. A few days in the 5th & 6th weeks they hurt bad enough to keep me from hugging my husband properly.

--My temps hovered around 98.2 until after the D&C.

--I had some sticky cervical mucous around 10dpo and then really heavily at 14dpo and thereafter.

--It hurt to lay on my right side. The pain was on my left side.. like the weight of my gut was pressing on my left ovary and it was unhappy. My not-a-medical-professional theory was that I had a corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and it was, indeed, not happy.

This week:

--I've had more than a week of creamy and/or sticky cervical mucous

--I've had faint breast twinges. I can't call it breast pain or breast tenderness. Just a sort of phantom achy feeling. If I push on 'em, they feel fine. I've even had some random nipple burning. Breast tenderness is regularly associated with PMS in my life.

--I've had a lot of twinges of pain in the general vicinity of my left ovary.

--My temp was 97.2 on Sunday (LOW) but back up well over 98 both Monday and today.

--I feel mildly bloated. Very mildly. Again- PMS symptom on a regular basis.

All in all, I don't feel pregnant. I don't really feel NOT pregnant. And of course, my mind is racing about 1000 miles per hour.
First I think Trish. You are NOT pregnant. Stop getting your hopes up.
Then I think I think I'll go buy a bib to tell David this time.
Then I think You're an idiot. You peed on a stick 2 days ago.
Then I think Yeah, but some people don't get a BFP until several days after their missed period. Hell, you didn't the last time.
Then I think Yeah, but that's cause you were using internet cheapie tests and not real ones. This time you used a real test. And it was negative.
Then I think Well, if I am pregnant and the test was negative that means the hcg wasn't high enough to register. Why isn't it high enough? What if I miscarry again? Which is really the worst thought of all.

So I don't know. I just don't know. I haven't told anyone that I'm sort of late. Not anyone. Not even David. You're the first people to officially know.

Last time I didn't tell anyone, either. A few friends said after-the-fact that they wanted to ask but didn't want to be pushy. And I actually appreciate that. It's scary to say it out loud. I mean... 4 million sperm? Sounds like a lot, but it's really... I mean REALLY... low.

When I got my negative the other night I told David how sad I was. I told him that I knew the chances of it working were probably like .5% but I couldn't help but be disappointed. But here I am. Wondering if anyone would notice if I took another trip to the bathroom. Surely a 6th one in 8 hours wouldn't seem TOO odd. Right? RIGHT?!

Be assured I'll test in the morning if there's still no sign of AF. And I'll post the results. Either way.

But if you're in the praying mood.. you know what I'm asking for.


**update as of 2am. POAS again. Still negative. I might be starting to feel crampy. We'll see what happens by morning, I suppose.


Coffeegrl said...

I hope she stays away from your house. I'll be sending good vibes your way!

Nichole said...

Oh Trish...I am so sorry your body is playing tricks on you! I am praying for you!