Almost as bad as the anxiety is the hopelessness.
Yesterday wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but still wasn't great. I called the doctor and asked for the thyroid test and about adjusting my meds. She approved both. I couldn't get to the lab yesterday but I had the blood drawn for the thyroid test today. I also doubled my Lexapro today.
The day today wasn't terrible. Not fantastic again, but not horrible. But tonight after dark, it really set in again. My husband came home a little early from work and I was so relieved. But then he went to get groceries and I felt like he'd left me. The anxiety just took over.
My face burned, my chest hurt, my stomach churned, my arms tingled. What was I worried about? I don't know. But there it was anyway. Awful. I tried to fake it. I tried to play with Robbie even though all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide. I fed Charlotte even though I wanted to just get in the car and drive away from my fear. (As though it wouldn't come with me.)
After David got home, he was in the back with Robbie, Charlotte was nursing and I just started sobbing. I feel like I'm never going to be well. What if it's like this forever? What if the meds don't work? I feel like I'm missing my children's childhood because I'm barely functioning, walking around like a zombie. Sure, they're cared for. They're clean and fed and I think they feel loved. They are loved. But I'm just putting on a brave face much of the time. I'm doing what I am SUPPOSED to, not what I should want to. My kids deserve better.
Some friends checked on me and helped a little. David asked if I needed him to just come lay with me for a while. I'm blessed to have such a great support system. But I want to get BETTER. Truly better. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel like a good mom and a good wife and a good friend again. Right now I feel like an empty pit of need, sucking all the support from everyone around me.
What if I hit the bottom of that well? I don't know what I would do. I spend more time than I care to admit checking my phone or email or facebook for messages of support. They are literally one of the few things I look forward to during the day. That's shameful, but true. I keep waiting for someone to say the magic thing that will make it all better. I know that magic thing doesn't exist, but at least one more message of "I've been there and got through and am happy now" keeps me going for another hour or another day. Maybe some day I can get through, too. Right now it just doesn't feel like it. It feels unending.
What if the kids grow up to hate me because I'm just a shell of a person? I love them and want what's best for them, but right now I don't know how to be that. I'm trying. I'm truly trying. I've read everything written on increasing seratonin, lowering anxiety, good mental health. But I still have nights like tonight where I feel like my life is just a series of waiting for the next breakdown.
We all deserve more than this.
--Trish
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Worse
First the good stuff:
Thanks for everyone's kind words. I'm down about 60 pounds from last September. The first 30 were before I got pregnant, on purpose and hard-earned. The other 30 are a combination of pregnancy metabolism, the fact that I ate SUPER-HEALTHY when pregnant (nothing processed, very little eating out, sodium under 2000 mg a day etc.) and then the anxiety renders my appetite almost non existent.
I hope I'm able to maintain it while stuck at home with two small children. We'll see.
And then the bad:
Today has been my worst anxiety day yet. I actually woke up to feed Charlotte about 5 and my left breast hurt SO bad. My brain immediately went to mastitis because I've been asked about it 100 times since I'm having the nipple problem. I decided I didn't have a fever and didn't feel cruddy, so it was probably just a clogged duct. So I fed her on that side and rubbed the hell out of the sore area.
When she ate again at 7, it still hurt and I had a bruise. But I still felt overall the same. I double checked with some friends that I would KNOW if I had mastitis, and again concluded it was a plugged duct. So I nursed on that side again and sure enough, she was able to clear it.
However, the anxiety had begun. I was facing a 12+ hour day alone with the kids and just thinking about it made me literally quiver in fear. I tried to self talk. I prayed. I tried distraction. Nothing was working. I eventually contacted a former teacher from Robbie's daycare who I've remained friends with and arranged for her to come help out for a few hours in the afternoon. I felt relief and waited for the anxiety to ease. I'd fixed all the problems, right?
But it JUST. WOULDN'T. STOP.
All day. All damned day.
Even when Liz got here, I had help and a great distraction and I could get it to ease for 10 minutes at a time, but then it would come raging back. Liz commented that she could tell when it got better and worse. She was great, but could only stay a few hours. I dreaded her leaving.
After she left, I ended up calling my dad and talking for 2 hours. I just need to keep my brain distracted. It doesn't turn the anxiety off, but it keeps me from spiralling further and further downward. My dad is sick (just a cold, nothing serious), so he can't come over like he normally would, but he talked to me and to Robbie and just basically kept me company. I love my dad so much.
I can't say today was a banner day in parenting. Robbie watched three episodes of Sesame Street and some random cartoons when, at one point, he took himself to my bedroom and turned them on himself. I was nursing Charlotte and honestly just relieved he was distracted and out of trouble. But I suppose they're both alive and fed and sometimes that's just got to be enough.
After Robbie went to bed, another friend called and distracted me for several more hours. I'm very blessed to have people willing to distract me when I need it. There isn't much that can be done, but I'm grateful that they are willing to do what they can.
When I finally hung up with her, I took my blood pressure. 154/96. It's been VERY good lately (I'm talking 120/70) so that wasn't welcome. Probably the anxiety. Or maybe it's spiking and that's what is driving some of the anxiety. I don't know.
I know that I'm going to call the doctor for the billionth time tomorrow and ask for some lab tests for my thyroid and maybe some other vitamin tests to see if there's something more global going on and discussing my lexapro dosage if those are normal. This is awful and I can't live like this. I can't be a mess all day. I can't be scared of my own children. This needs to stop.
--Trish
Thanks for everyone's kind words. I'm down about 60 pounds from last September. The first 30 were before I got pregnant, on purpose and hard-earned. The other 30 are a combination of pregnancy metabolism, the fact that I ate SUPER-HEALTHY when pregnant (nothing processed, very little eating out, sodium under 2000 mg a day etc.) and then the anxiety renders my appetite almost non existent.
I hope I'm able to maintain it while stuck at home with two small children. We'll see.
And then the bad:
Today has been my worst anxiety day yet. I actually woke up to feed Charlotte about 5 and my left breast hurt SO bad. My brain immediately went to mastitis because I've been asked about it 100 times since I'm having the nipple problem. I decided I didn't have a fever and didn't feel cruddy, so it was probably just a clogged duct. So I fed her on that side and rubbed the hell out of the sore area.
When she ate again at 7, it still hurt and I had a bruise. But I still felt overall the same. I double checked with some friends that I would KNOW if I had mastitis, and again concluded it was a plugged duct. So I nursed on that side again and sure enough, she was able to clear it.
However, the anxiety had begun. I was facing a 12+ hour day alone with the kids and just thinking about it made me literally quiver in fear. I tried to self talk. I prayed. I tried distraction. Nothing was working. I eventually contacted a former teacher from Robbie's daycare who I've remained friends with and arranged for her to come help out for a few hours in the afternoon. I felt relief and waited for the anxiety to ease. I'd fixed all the problems, right?
But it JUST. WOULDN'T. STOP.
All day. All damned day.
Even when Liz got here, I had help and a great distraction and I could get it to ease for 10 minutes at a time, but then it would come raging back. Liz commented that she could tell when it got better and worse. She was great, but could only stay a few hours. I dreaded her leaving.
After she left, I ended up calling my dad and talking for 2 hours. I just need to keep my brain distracted. It doesn't turn the anxiety off, but it keeps me from spiralling further and further downward. My dad is sick (just a cold, nothing serious), so he can't come over like he normally would, but he talked to me and to Robbie and just basically kept me company. I love my dad so much.
I can't say today was a banner day in parenting. Robbie watched three episodes of Sesame Street and some random cartoons when, at one point, he took himself to my bedroom and turned them on himself. I was nursing Charlotte and honestly just relieved he was distracted and out of trouble. But I suppose they're both alive and fed and sometimes that's just got to be enough.
After Robbie went to bed, another friend called and distracted me for several more hours. I'm very blessed to have people willing to distract me when I need it. There isn't much that can be done, but I'm grateful that they are willing to do what they can.
When I finally hung up with her, I took my blood pressure. 154/96. It's been VERY good lately (I'm talking 120/70) so that wasn't welcome. Probably the anxiety. Or maybe it's spiking and that's what is driving some of the anxiety. I don't know.
I know that I'm going to call the doctor for the billionth time tomorrow and ask for some lab tests for my thyroid and maybe some other vitamin tests to see if there's something more global going on and discussing my lexapro dosage if those are normal. This is awful and I can't live like this. I can't be a mess all day. I can't be scared of my own children. This needs to stop.
--Trish
Two steps back
Well, this week is not shaping up to be as great as last week anxiety wise.
Christmas was nice. The kids were adorable. Charlotte obviously mostly slept through it, but Robbie had a great time. He was a little frustrated that he had to keep putting toys down to open more presents, but you know.. first world problems!
My mother-in-law and brother-in-law, as well as my dad all joined us in the morning for gift opening and then a big lunch. Everyone had a good time watching Robbie with his stuff and we even managed to genuinely surprise my brother in law (who is a great guy) with his gift (a pack of baseball tickets) which was fun. These days we rarely get to really surprise anyone.
They had also all had Christmas Eve dinner with us (we always do something low-key and casual. This year was taco salad.) and we just hung out and chatted and played with the kids. It was nice.
Unfortunately my brain apparently didn't get the message that I was HAPPY. Each night, a little anxiety rolled in. Friday was pretty minor and only lasted about an hour. Saturday it lasted several hours, but was low level. Sunday was an hour but pretty severe. Last night wasn't too bad.
Today was a doozy. The day started with some confusion with my mother's helper. She didn't come today as I had expected. (We had a miscommunication. She's a fantastic girl and very reliable.) That should be no big deal, but between the change in plans and being worried about her, I spent a good hour this morning just feeling jittery and anxious. I ended up calling my dad and just talking through it.
This afternoon I had my 6 week postpartum check with my OB and then dinner with friends. The doctor's appointment went really well. She wrote for Diflucan for my maybe-thrush, did my PAP, answered a few questions, but mostly we cooed over the kids. Charlotte's middle name actually came from the phlebotomist in the office and she finally got to meet her namesake. It was super fun. (Yes, I know. I'm a freak who has fun at OB appointments.)
Dinner was also fun. It was a couple of preemie mom friends, one of whom lives in Seattle and we had a nice conversation, decent food and excellent ice cream.
Unfortunately towards the end of dinner, I could feel the anxiety trying to creep in. All the way home, I tried to self-talk myself through it. It's just anxiety, it's not real. It's a chemical reaction in the body, nothing is wrong. Everything is fine, it's just a misfiring of something in the brain. Take deep breaths. Relax. Relax. Relax. It didn't work.
I came home, tucked Robbie into bed and then headed for the bathtub. Charlotte was fed and sleeping soundly (way to go, David!) so I was free for a bit. I laid in the tub and tried to read. Usually that's a good way to shut off my brain, but tonight it wasn't working. I couldn't focus on my book and the bath started off too hot and ended up too cold and my brain kept wondering if Charlotte was okay. (even though I could both see and hear her from where I was.) Anxiety is not reasonable. I prayed. I repeated some comforting phrases. It did not work.
I got out and tried to physically shake it off. No go. I went and asked David to come lay with me because I was feeling anxious. My amazing husband just said "uh oh" and hopped up to come help me. He rubbed my back a while but I ended up feeling more tense, not less. I got up and jogged in place, trying to burn the energy off. Sometimes that helps. No luck.
By this time, Charlotte needed to be fed. I tried to focus myself and sat down to nurse her. I asked David to just talk to me. Tell me anything, just distract my brain. David's not really one to blather on but he did just that. And finally I could feel it ease a little. If he'd stop talking, it would creep back up, but eventually is started to ease. Total duration nearly 3 hours.
Three hours is a long time to sweat and shake and feel your heart pound. And that's after the hour or so this morning. It freaking sucks. And I don't know WHY. Yes, today was not a usual day, but most of the time, being about to get out of the house helps, not hurts. So I don't know.
I discussed the anxiety with my doctor today, of course. I told her it had been much better last week, but then bad again this weekend. But still trending upward. She wants me to go back in a month to reevaluate, but call if things get worse. I'm not ready to say I need to call yet, but this isn't a trend I'm enjoying right now.
I was thinking tonight that maybe I should have my thyroid checked. Anxiety can be a symptom of thyroid issues and pregnancy can cause them. It's probably a long shot, but I'm feeling desperate. It's probably "just" hormonal, but I just want something to FIX me. I'm sick of this.
David assures me that I'm being a good mom even when I'm in the midst of the worst of it, but I don't FEEL like one when it's going on. I'm 6.5 weeks postpartum and I really just want to leave behind the worry and stress of pregnancy. I just want to get on with enjoying my children.
So, if you're still up for some praying, I could use a few more. We need more days like last week and NO more like today. And while you're at it, think some good thoughts for my nipple. Hoping this round of Diflucan does the trick.
And so as not to end on a down note, how about a few Christmas pictures?
--Trish
Christmas was nice. The kids were adorable. Charlotte obviously mostly slept through it, but Robbie had a great time. He was a little frustrated that he had to keep putting toys down to open more presents, but you know.. first world problems!
My mother-in-law and brother-in-law, as well as my dad all joined us in the morning for gift opening and then a big lunch. Everyone had a good time watching Robbie with his stuff and we even managed to genuinely surprise my brother in law (who is a great guy) with his gift (a pack of baseball tickets) which was fun. These days we rarely get to really surprise anyone.
They had also all had Christmas Eve dinner with us (we always do something low-key and casual. This year was taco salad.) and we just hung out and chatted and played with the kids. It was nice.
Unfortunately my brain apparently didn't get the message that I was HAPPY. Each night, a little anxiety rolled in. Friday was pretty minor and only lasted about an hour. Saturday it lasted several hours, but was low level. Sunday was an hour but pretty severe. Last night wasn't too bad.
Today was a doozy. The day started with some confusion with my mother's helper. She didn't come today as I had expected. (We had a miscommunication. She's a fantastic girl and very reliable.) That should be no big deal, but between the change in plans and being worried about her, I spent a good hour this morning just feeling jittery and anxious. I ended up calling my dad and just talking through it.
This afternoon I had my 6 week postpartum check with my OB and then dinner with friends. The doctor's appointment went really well. She wrote for Diflucan for my maybe-thrush, did my PAP, answered a few questions, but mostly we cooed over the kids. Charlotte's middle name actually came from the phlebotomist in the office and she finally got to meet her namesake. It was super fun. (Yes, I know. I'm a freak who has fun at OB appointments.)
Dinner was also fun. It was a couple of preemie mom friends, one of whom lives in Seattle and we had a nice conversation, decent food and excellent ice cream.
Unfortunately towards the end of dinner, I could feel the anxiety trying to creep in. All the way home, I tried to self-talk myself through it. It's just anxiety, it's not real. It's a chemical reaction in the body, nothing is wrong. Everything is fine, it's just a misfiring of something in the brain. Take deep breaths. Relax. Relax. Relax. It didn't work.
I came home, tucked Robbie into bed and then headed for the bathtub. Charlotte was fed and sleeping soundly (way to go, David!) so I was free for a bit. I laid in the tub and tried to read. Usually that's a good way to shut off my brain, but tonight it wasn't working. I couldn't focus on my book and the bath started off too hot and ended up too cold and my brain kept wondering if Charlotte was okay. (even though I could both see and hear her from where I was.) Anxiety is not reasonable. I prayed. I repeated some comforting phrases. It did not work.
I got out and tried to physically shake it off. No go. I went and asked David to come lay with me because I was feeling anxious. My amazing husband just said "uh oh" and hopped up to come help me. He rubbed my back a while but I ended up feeling more tense, not less. I got up and jogged in place, trying to burn the energy off. Sometimes that helps. No luck.
By this time, Charlotte needed to be fed. I tried to focus myself and sat down to nurse her. I asked David to just talk to me. Tell me anything, just distract my brain. David's not really one to blather on but he did just that. And finally I could feel it ease a little. If he'd stop talking, it would creep back up, but eventually is started to ease. Total duration nearly 3 hours.
Three hours is a long time to sweat and shake and feel your heart pound. And that's after the hour or so this morning. It freaking sucks. And I don't know WHY. Yes, today was not a usual day, but most of the time, being about to get out of the house helps, not hurts. So I don't know.
I discussed the anxiety with my doctor today, of course. I told her it had been much better last week, but then bad again this weekend. But still trending upward. She wants me to go back in a month to reevaluate, but call if things get worse. I'm not ready to say I need to call yet, but this isn't a trend I'm enjoying right now.
I was thinking tonight that maybe I should have my thyroid checked. Anxiety can be a symptom of thyroid issues and pregnancy can cause them. It's probably a long shot, but I'm feeling desperate. It's probably "just" hormonal, but I just want something to FIX me. I'm sick of this.
David assures me that I'm being a good mom even when I'm in the midst of the worst of it, but I don't FEEL like one when it's going on. I'm 6.5 weeks postpartum and I really just want to leave behind the worry and stress of pregnancy. I just want to get on with enjoying my children.
So, if you're still up for some praying, I could use a few more. We need more days like last week and NO more like today. And while you're at it, think some good thoughts for my nipple. Hoping this round of Diflucan does the trick.
And so as not to end on a down note, how about a few Christmas pictures?
--Trish
Charlotte Clause
Note the blue lips of Gentian Violet.
Robbie on his new cell phone.
Grandpa helping open a present.
The classic "picture of you, taking picture of me taking a picture of you."
Hugs for sissy.
Hang on, just let me check my email real quick...
I love you, Charlotte.
Brotherly Love
Robbie Mouse
Friday, December 23, 2011
The week
I am going to officially call this a good week. It wasn't perfect, but it was so much better than last week and it doesn't even belong on the same calendar as the week before last, so it was good.
I've had 6 days of feeling like myself. There have been moments of panic that have seeped in, but it's been brief enough and mild enough that I can work through it and do okay. I've spent full days alone with the kids without watching the minutes tick by on the clock until David gets home. I've smiled and laughed genuinely. I've had an appetite (and then some) and interest in things besides laying in bed. It's good.
Tonight I walked out to the living room right at dusk and felt the old panic feeling set in. Dusk was a huge trigger. But it hadn't happened in several days and I hadn't thought to steel myself for it. Fortunately I recognized what was happening right away and was able to close up the blinds (dark is better than dusk) and it eased again. Anxiety is weird. And sneaky. But Lexapro is stronger.
Truthfully, I think it's a combination of things. The Lexapro for sure, getting further from delivery (6 weeks now) and I really think that coming off of the Labetelol helped a lot, too. My blood pressures have been great. There have been a 2 or 3 spikes in the last week, but mostly 130/80 or below. The last few days have really been in the 120s/70s. That's better than it was before I got pregnant, so that's awesome. I'm sure that's attributable to being 60 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.
In other news, I started a round of gentian violet tonight for my thrush. I spoke to the nurse about the issue but she and/or my OB don't seem to think it's thrush. The reasoning she gave me was that Charlotte is asymptomatic and because my breasts don't have streaks. But streaks could be a sign of mastitis, not thrush, so that makes no sense whatsoever to me. She told me to call a lactation consultant.
On the other hand, I was on antibiotics during delivery, another round afterward, I had a yeast infection after the 2nd round. I've had no pain with nursing for nearly 6 weeks and all of a sudden it's major. It gets worse at night. It lasts through the nursing session and after. This is all consistent with thrush. I did confirm that with a doula friend. Everyone seems to agree it's most likely thrush.
However, because they didn't take me seriously, I did some more reading and it seems like gentian violet is the better option anyway. It's cheaper, has few side effects and works both more quickly and more reliably. It's just messier.
I had to have the GV ordered through the pharmacy. In the mean time, I started vinegar washes and probiotics to try to contain it. Things have improved a little but still aren't great. My left breast still kills, particularly in the evenings. I did my first GV treatment tonight, though. Both Charlotte's lips and my nipples are a lovely shade of purple. Of course, she promptly spit up afterwards (she's a spitter) which also left a lovely blue stain on the blanket I had under her and the pillowcase because it soaked through to the pillow. Oh well. I'd gladly buy all new linens to keep my boob from feeling like it is being ground in a grinder every time I nurse.
I really do enjoy nursing, even with the thrush trouble. She's doing really well. She's been gaining around an ounce per day. She's up to 6 pounds 12 ounces as of tonight. She came home from the hospital at 4lb 12oz, so she's a full 2 pounds heavier now. She's still tiny, but she feels like a chunk to me these days. And it feels really good to know I've been able to do that for her all on my own. My body is keeping her alive and thriving.
I realize that technically it was before she was born, too. But to be frank, it felt like she was surviving in my womb IN SPITE of my body, not because of it. Now it feels like something is actually going right. What a concept.
In any case, it does feel like the spiral of depression has shifted. As my anxiety has improved, everything else has, and has everything else has, my anxiety has. Obviously things aren't perfect. My cat still has cancer (and isn't doing well, I'm afraid. I don't think we have a lot longer with her. Every time Robbie hugs her, my heart breaks a little more.) I still have an anxiety disorder and thrush. Charlotte is still a preemie and we're still in quarantine. But we're so far ahead of where we were a week or two ago, I know we're going to get through it.
Hope lives.
--Trish
I've had 6 days of feeling like myself. There have been moments of panic that have seeped in, but it's been brief enough and mild enough that I can work through it and do okay. I've spent full days alone with the kids without watching the minutes tick by on the clock until David gets home. I've smiled and laughed genuinely. I've had an appetite (and then some) and interest in things besides laying in bed. It's good.
Tonight I walked out to the living room right at dusk and felt the old panic feeling set in. Dusk was a huge trigger. But it hadn't happened in several days and I hadn't thought to steel myself for it. Fortunately I recognized what was happening right away and was able to close up the blinds (dark is better than dusk) and it eased again. Anxiety is weird. And sneaky. But Lexapro is stronger.
Truthfully, I think it's a combination of things. The Lexapro for sure, getting further from delivery (6 weeks now) and I really think that coming off of the Labetelol helped a lot, too. My blood pressures have been great. There have been a 2 or 3 spikes in the last week, but mostly 130/80 or below. The last few days have really been in the 120s/70s. That's better than it was before I got pregnant, so that's awesome. I'm sure that's attributable to being 60 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.
In other news, I started a round of gentian violet tonight for my thrush. I spoke to the nurse about the issue but she and/or my OB don't seem to think it's thrush. The reasoning she gave me was that Charlotte is asymptomatic and because my breasts don't have streaks. But streaks could be a sign of mastitis, not thrush, so that makes no sense whatsoever to me. She told me to call a lactation consultant.
On the other hand, I was on antibiotics during delivery, another round afterward, I had a yeast infection after the 2nd round. I've had no pain with nursing for nearly 6 weeks and all of a sudden it's major. It gets worse at night. It lasts through the nursing session and after. This is all consistent with thrush. I did confirm that with a doula friend. Everyone seems to agree it's most likely thrush.
However, because they didn't take me seriously, I did some more reading and it seems like gentian violet is the better option anyway. It's cheaper, has few side effects and works both more quickly and more reliably. It's just messier.
I had to have the GV ordered through the pharmacy. In the mean time, I started vinegar washes and probiotics to try to contain it. Things have improved a little but still aren't great. My left breast still kills, particularly in the evenings. I did my first GV treatment tonight, though. Both Charlotte's lips and my nipples are a lovely shade of purple. Of course, she promptly spit up afterwards (she's a spitter) which also left a lovely blue stain on the blanket I had under her and the pillowcase because it soaked through to the pillow. Oh well. I'd gladly buy all new linens to keep my boob from feeling like it is being ground in a grinder every time I nurse.
I really do enjoy nursing, even with the thrush trouble. She's doing really well. She's been gaining around an ounce per day. She's up to 6 pounds 12 ounces as of tonight. She came home from the hospital at 4lb 12oz, so she's a full 2 pounds heavier now. She's still tiny, but she feels like a chunk to me these days. And it feels really good to know I've been able to do that for her all on my own. My body is keeping her alive and thriving.
I realize that technically it was before she was born, too. But to be frank, it felt like she was surviving in my womb IN SPITE of my body, not because of it. Now it feels like something is actually going right. What a concept.
In any case, it does feel like the spiral of depression has shifted. As my anxiety has improved, everything else has, and has everything else has, my anxiety has. Obviously things aren't perfect. My cat still has cancer (and isn't doing well, I'm afraid. I don't think we have a lot longer with her. Every time Robbie hugs her, my heart breaks a little more.) I still have an anxiety disorder and thrush. Charlotte is still a preemie and we're still in quarantine. But we're so far ahead of where we were a week or two ago, I know we're going to get through it.
Hope lives.
--Trish
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Good day
Today was a really good day. Really good. There were maybe 20 total minutes where I felt a little out of sorts, but otherwise, I felt like me all day. The best part is how great my kids are. It feels so good to FEEL that. I also didn't shake today. At all, I think.
Saturday was sort of so-so. Sunday was pretty decent. Today was really great. I did take my pill earlier today than usual, so maybe that was part of it. I took it at lunch instead of late afternoon. Since the worst time of the day is usually right around dusk, I thought I should get it in and at full strength a few hours before that. I had been taking it just before dusk thinking it would be strongest right away, but I think maybe it takes a little longer than that to kick in.
The only bad thing I can say about today is that I think I'm getting thrush. Holy crap does my left nipple hurt. My right one has been a little sore, but NOTHING like leftie. It takes my breath away when she starts nursing and hurts the whole time. I've tried relatching her a dozen times, nursing in a different position and what not and nothing seems to matter. I'll call the doctor tomorrow.
Apparently I have a few risk factors including having been on antibiotics during and after delivery and a recent regular yeast infection. So.. you know.. lucky me. That was actually one of the causes of my few minutes of anxiety today. I had a brief flash of worrying it was mastitis (no basis for that. That was just Crazy Thought Anxiety at play) and freaked out a little, but I talked myself down. But I really do think that at worst it's thrush (which sucks, but is just annoying, not a huge deal) and at best it's a blister or something. (Though I can't see a blister or anything.)
Anyway, today is my 2 weeks Lexapro anniversary, so this is the point where people said they started feeling better, both emotionally and from the side effects, and I'm here to say that I must be experiencing the same thing. I hope it continues and I think it will. I know there will be drops again and I just dread it. I hate the down part of ups and downs, but right now it feels so good to actually have ups again that I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Today was a good one.
--Trish
Saturday was sort of so-so. Sunday was pretty decent. Today was really great. I did take my pill earlier today than usual, so maybe that was part of it. I took it at lunch instead of late afternoon. Since the worst time of the day is usually right around dusk, I thought I should get it in and at full strength a few hours before that. I had been taking it just before dusk thinking it would be strongest right away, but I think maybe it takes a little longer than that to kick in.
The only bad thing I can say about today is that I think I'm getting thrush. Holy crap does my left nipple hurt. My right one has been a little sore, but NOTHING like leftie. It takes my breath away when she starts nursing and hurts the whole time. I've tried relatching her a dozen times, nursing in a different position and what not and nothing seems to matter. I'll call the doctor tomorrow.
Apparently I have a few risk factors including having been on antibiotics during and after delivery and a recent regular yeast infection. So.. you know.. lucky me. That was actually one of the causes of my few minutes of anxiety today. I had a brief flash of worrying it was mastitis (no basis for that. That was just Crazy Thought Anxiety at play) and freaked out a little, but I talked myself down. But I really do think that at worst it's thrush (which sucks, but is just annoying, not a huge deal) and at best it's a blister or something. (Though I can't see a blister or anything.)
Anyway, today is my 2 weeks Lexapro anniversary, so this is the point where people said they started feeling better, both emotionally and from the side effects, and I'm here to say that I must be experiencing the same thing. I hope it continues and I think it will. I know there will be drops again and I just dread it. I hate the down part of ups and downs, but right now it feels so good to actually have ups again that I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Today was a good one.
--Trish
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