Almost as bad as the anxiety is the hopelessness.
Yesterday wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but still wasn't great. I called the doctor and asked for the thyroid test and about adjusting my meds. She approved both. I couldn't get to the lab yesterday but I had the blood drawn for the thyroid test today. I also doubled my Lexapro today.
The day today wasn't terrible. Not fantastic again, but not horrible. But tonight after dark, it really set in again. My husband came home a little early from work and I was so relieved. But then he went to get groceries and I felt like he'd left me. The anxiety just took over.
My face burned, my chest hurt, my stomach churned, my arms tingled. What was I worried about? I don't know. But there it was anyway. Awful. I tried to fake it. I tried to play with Robbie even though all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide. I fed Charlotte even though I wanted to just get in the car and drive away from my fear. (As though it wouldn't come with me.)
After David got home, he was in the back with Robbie, Charlotte was nursing and I just started sobbing. I feel like I'm never going to be well. What if it's like this forever? What if the meds don't work? I feel like I'm missing my children's childhood because I'm barely functioning, walking around like a zombie. Sure, they're cared for. They're clean and fed and I think they feel loved. They are loved. But I'm just putting on a brave face much of the time. I'm doing what I am SUPPOSED to, not what I should want to. My kids deserve better.
Some friends checked on me and helped a little. David asked if I needed him to just come lay with me for a while. I'm blessed to have such a great support system. But I want to get BETTER. Truly better. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel like a good mom and a good wife and a good friend again. Right now I feel like an empty pit of need, sucking all the support from everyone around me.
What if I hit the bottom of that well? I don't know what I would do. I spend more time than I care to admit checking my phone or email or facebook for messages of support. They are literally one of the few things I look forward to during the day. That's shameful, but true. I keep waiting for someone to say the magic thing that will make it all better. I know that magic thing doesn't exist, but at least one more message of "I've been there and got through and am happy now" keeps me going for another hour or another day. Maybe some day I can get through, too. Right now it just doesn't feel like it. It feels unending.
What if the kids grow up to hate me because I'm just a shell of a person? I love them and want what's best for them, but right now I don't know how to be that. I'm trying. I'm truly trying. I've read everything written on increasing seratonin, lowering anxiety, good mental health. But I still have nights like tonight where I feel like my life is just a series of waiting for the next breakdown.
We all deserve more than this.