Worse

First the good stuff:
Thanks for everyone's kind words. I'm down about 60 pounds from last September. The first 30 were before I got pregnant, on purpose and hard-earned. The other 30 are a combination of pregnancy metabolism, the fact that I ate SUPER-HEALTHY when pregnant (nothing processed, very little eating out, sodium under 2000 mg a day etc.) and then the anxiety renders my appetite almost non existent.
I hope I'm able to maintain it while stuck at home with two small children. We'll see.

And then the bad:
Today has been my worst anxiety day yet. I actually woke up to feed Charlotte about 5 and my left breast hurt SO bad. My brain immediately went to mastitis because I've been asked about it 100 times since I'm having the nipple problem. I decided I didn't have a fever and didn't feel cruddy, so it was probably just a clogged duct. So I fed her on that side and rubbed the hell out of the sore area.

When she ate again at 7, it still hurt and I had a bruise. But I still felt overall the same. I double checked with some friends that I would KNOW if I had mastitis, and again concluded it was a plugged duct. So I nursed on that side again and sure enough, she was able to clear it.

However, the anxiety had begun. I was facing a 12+ hour day alone with the kids and just thinking about it made me literally quiver in fear. I tried to self talk. I prayed. I tried distraction. Nothing was working. I eventually contacted a former teacher from Robbie's daycare who I've remained friends with and arranged for her to come help out for a few hours in the afternoon. I felt relief and waited for the anxiety to ease. I'd fixed all the problems, right?

But it JUST. WOULDN'T. STOP.
All day. All damned day.

Even when Liz got here, I had help and a great distraction and I could get it to ease for 10 minutes at a time, but then it would come raging back. Liz commented that she could tell when it got better and worse. She was great, but could only stay a few hours. I dreaded her leaving.

After she left, I ended up calling my dad and talking for 2 hours. I just need to keep my brain distracted. It doesn't turn the anxiety off, but it keeps me from spiralling further and further downward. My dad is sick (just a cold, nothing serious), so he can't come over like he normally would, but he talked to me and to Robbie and just basically kept me company. I love my dad so much.

I can't say today was a banner day in parenting. Robbie watched three episodes of Sesame Street and some random cartoons when, at one point, he took himself to my bedroom and turned them on himself. I was nursing Charlotte and honestly just relieved he was distracted and out of trouble. But I suppose they're both alive and fed and sometimes that's just got to be enough.

After Robbie went to bed, another friend called and distracted me for several more hours. I'm very blessed to have people willing to distract me when I need it. There isn't much that can be done, but I'm grateful that they are willing to do what they can.

When I finally hung up with her, I took my blood pressure. 154/96. It's been VERY good lately (I'm talking 120/70) so that wasn't welcome. Probably the anxiety. Or maybe it's spiking and that's what is driving some of the anxiety. I don't know.

I know that I'm going to call the doctor for the billionth time tomorrow and ask for some lab tests for my thyroid and maybe some other vitamin tests to see if there's something more global going on and discussing my lexapro dosage if those are normal. This is awful and I can't live like this. I can't be a mess all day. I can't be scared of my own children. This needs to stop.


--Trish