Catching up

Sorry for the long quiet. Last week was so crazy and I just never got to writing.

The highlights:

Wednesday was my wound check for newly-lumpless lefty. No cancer! WOO-HOO! It was a lipoma. My wound looks good. She doesn't think I'll have much of a scar. (Not that I really gave a shit, but still.) It's still just a little bit tender and you can feel the stitches & bruising underneath so it's lumpy- but not "lumpy." She said she doesn't have any reason to believe it is likely recur.

Thursday was the big day. 20 weeks and my "big" ultrasound. Now, I realize most women probably look forward to the day to find out the sex, but 1) we didn't want to know the sex and 2) all I wanted to know was that everything was okay.

My ultrasound tech was okay. Adequate, I'd say. She asked if I had a history of any problems, so of course, I mentioned my two miscarriages & the chronic spotting. This usually gets me at least a sympathetic nod. I threw in that I am a nervous Nelly and a little neurotic. This usually helps me get thorough answers to my questions. Well, not so much this time. Don't get me wrong, the woman was professional. She was in no way rude. She just wasn't helpful. Every time I asked a question, she'd ask why I was asking.

q: Does my fluid look okay?
a: Mmm-hmm. Why do you ask?

q: does my cervix look okay
a: yeah, why?

I had the urge to yell "JUST REASSURE ME, DAMN IT!" about three times.

It went pretty quickly. She did point out some things: arms, legs, stomach, brain, kidneys. One of the head measurements was a week behind, which of course freaked me out. She insisted it was fine.

The doctor came in at the end and looked again. He commented that "everything is fine, we're just really picking about these scans" as he seemed to be trying to focus in on the baby. It left me with the impression they weren't seeing something that they wanted to see. It made me nervous, but he insisted everything was fine as well.

After my discussion and thinking about it, I've decided everything is fine because they'd have to tell me if something wasn't. I just think the u/s tech didn't "GET" that she was making me more nervous with her seeming avoidance of my questions.

I'll try to get the pictures up shortly, but to be honest, they're a little odd looking. They're all closeups of the face, so again with the Skeletor look.


Thursday night/Friday morning, we had an earthquake. My husband was at his best friend's house for the night (more on that later) so I was home alone. Freaky shit, man. Everything was fine- no damage here. But it (pardon the pun) shook me up.

Friday night was David's best friend's wedding out in wine country (read: Long Ass Drive.) David had spent the night with his best friend at the friend's request. (LOTS of jokes about his slumber party) so I made the trek alone. Blah. Wedding was beautiful, though.

The weekend was pretty uneventful, mostly consisting of trying to recover from the festivities from the day before. (Too much time in the car and on a hard chair= BAD back pain.)

And that's where we stand. As of now, 20w4d. Today was an uncomfortable, anxiety filled day. When my belly hurts, I worry what it means. I know logically it's more bowel issues, but it still freaks me out. And of course, those are always the times the baby chooses to be still. I did just drink a big glass of juice and am getting kicked a bit. That's quite reassuring.

Honestly, as much as I keep telling myself that my crazy nightmares mean nothing, there was one a few weeks ago that involved me giving birth at 20 weeks that freaked me out. I'm sort of counting the minutes until 21 weeks so I can say that "didn't come true."

And I feel like I'm staring down the cusp of viability. And when I get close to good things, I get nervous. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm a joy. I know. That's why it's my middle name. ;)

--Trish