Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Crystal Balls

It's funny how life's challenges don't really change.

Back in the trenches trying to conceive, I often wished for a crystal ball. Sure, the temperature taking and OPKs and mucus checking and drugs and shots and hot flashes and swollen overies and blank HPTs and periods and dildo-cams and raging hormones sucked, but if only I could look into my crystal ball and see a baby in my future, it is all worth it.

Of course, there never was a crystal ball. Even when I did get pregnant, I learned too quickly that pregnancy doesn't equal a baby.

I saw a psychic when I was pregnant the first time. She told me she saw three pregnancies and me holding a baby. Turns out she was right, but of course, I couldn't count on that. I had my "crystal ball" but I still didn't believe it.

Now I have Robbie. And man, was he worth it! But you know, he comes with complications. I once again find myself wishing for a crystal ball. I love him so much and just want the best things for him.

The not-meeting-milestones is frustrating and sometimes disappointing when I'm constantly asked if he's crawling or walking or talking or waving or clapping. People mean no harm, of course. And they're usually full of praise about how bright and happy he is, and of course, he's cute as a button. He wins people over immediately. But having to constantly say no and constantly explain his rough beginnings sometimes wears on me.

Watching him in therapy multiple times per week, having to "torture" him with stretches and exercises and practice eating every day is hard. No one wants to see their child unhappy. I obviously know it's good for him and it has to be done, but it's not pleasurable to hear him grunt and groan or whine and cry because he wants to know why we're doing this God awful thing to him again.

If only I had my crystal ball, to be able to look into it and see him running and jumping and laughing and playing. To see him talking and singing and driving me crazy with incessant questions. To know I'm torturing him for good reasons.

Instead, we just plug along and hope for the best. I don't know Robbie's future. I'm sure someday he'll do all of the above, but no one knows when. And of course, it doesn't really matter. I'll adore him no matter what.

But man, I sure find myself wishing for that crystal ball occasionally. Too bad my psychic passed away.

--Trish

7 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

This is the hard thing about life, we want to know that things will turn out. I'm hoping and praying right along with you.

Robyn said...

Have they given you a "guess/estimate" as to when he might start crawling?

It may seem like the days of running and jumping are far away and will never get here, but I bet they will be here before you know it.

Still praying for you and Robbie!

Trish said...

Robyn- no, not at all. The therapists almost never talk about the future at all. They just work on the next task. Right now that's crawling, pulling up and walking.

Nix said...

Hugs Trish, it's what I always found hardest, the uncertainty of the outcome with our preemies. Obviously we love them anyway but a crystal ball would sure drop the stress levels!!

Robyn said...

Oh, that's a bummer.

I guess I can kinda see why, in the case that the child does not meet the milestone by the time they predicted, some would become upset. Maybe open themselves up to certain liabilities.

Anthony's Mommy said...

I know i felt the same way when Anthony was little. It seemed like EVERYTHING he did was focusing on his milestones. Which sucks! I was so worried he would never crawl, would never walk. Would never talk (well we're still working on that one) But here he is at 2 and he's running all over the place and energy he has is insane! I wish I could go back to those first few days in the NICU and tap myself on the shoulder and show myself the little boy I have now! Because I know back then I would of never believed it!

Kim

ggop said...

Trish,
You summed up my feelings! I've been reading your blog in reverse and I totally get it. PT, OT - all is in my son's schedule too. You are so right about therapists focusing on the job at hand.