Friday, March 26, 2010

Old Habits Die Hard

This morning, I peed on a stick. I'm sure you can guess by the fact that this post didn't start with "HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!" that it was negative.

Several friends are TTC #2 right now and I think they've infected my head. We haven't done anything (beyond being too tired to have sex for the first year) to prevent pregnancy since Robbie was born. I haven't charted since I got pregnant with Robbie, but years of probing my lady-bits has made me hyper-aware of changes going on in the area, plus when I ovulate now, my left ovary hurts like a bitch. I am keenly aware when it's happening. So I know when we've sexed at a fertile time. Which we have.

So when I woke up this morning and rolled over, squishing a boob in the process, and actually said out loud "OWW" I thought "Hey. Whoa. Boobs really hurt. Ya don't think..." Then I remembered that box of FRERs under the bathroom sink that I made David buy the last time I completely forgot who we were. (And my period started before he even got home with the box, so I never even opened the box.)

I laid there for a minute and told myself I was stupid. But I started thinking about how I'd put Robbie in a "Big Brother" shirt and surprise David. And I'd totally video the whole thing. And he wouldn't notice for a while, and then he wouldn't get it and I'd have to explain, but he'd be so excited and then tell me we weren't so broken after all, and I'd be annoyed at the I-told-you-so, but I'd really just be crying happy tears. And then we'd do the "Big Brother" shirt trick again for our families after we established viability and this baby would be born full term and, really, I really have to pee really badly now so why the hell not. I mean, the tests are just waiting for me, right?

So I got up and dug through dusty hot-rollers and extra rolls of toilet paper and found the tests. I definitely wanted to pee in a cup, not on the stick. I'm an expert at this by now. But shit, it's been so long since I did this regularly, I don't keep a stack of cups on the back of the toilet anymore. I wonder what I did with them? So while doing the pee-pee dance, I dug through the linen closet, eventually finding my plastic cup stash in a basket of extra tampons. The cups are leftovers from our wedding. Yes, four years ago.

I filled the cup and dipped. I waited. For half a second, I thought I saw a line forming. Then I didn't. I saw the control line fade in, but nothing else. I held it up to the light. Hmm, no. I heard Robbie fuss through the baby monitor and decided I'd go get him and then check the stick. Surely that second line would develop by then. By the time I got to Robbie, he was already back to sleep, so I came back and looked at the now fully developed stick. Nothing. I held it up to the light again. I twisted. I turned. I squinted. I mean, I think I'm 13dpo, it could still be really light, right? Maybe if I turn the extra light on? Negatory. I sighed and dumped it in the trash. Nothing like wasting 7 bucks.

I got in the shower and scoffed at myself. As if. I got out of the shower and dug the test out of the trash. Maybe I just didn't give enough time. No change. I dumped it again, disgusted.

And then my reaction changed a bit. The emotion I felt surprised me. I was angry. Really, really mad. I am never going to have a surprise positive. I'm never going to put Robbie in a Big Brother t-shirt and surprise David. I'm never going to be that girl your neighbor knows who tried for 2 1/2 years for #1 and then Bam! got pregnant on her own. I'm never going to be normal.

I thought I already knew that. I thought I had grieved it and accepted it and moved on. I have Robbie now and even if we never have another child, I am truly, truly fulfilled. But this morning, it was like learning it all over again. And it really pissed me off.

I tried to talk myself out of it. The timing wouldn't be great. My gallbladder has got to come out at some point. I would not want to go through a pregnancy with it giving me trouble the way it already is. I'd like to lose some more weight, see a specialist before we conceive. Intellectually, I recognize that snow white pee-stick for the good news that it is.

But emotionally? It's not fair. It's not fair. Robbie will be 2 in May. He deserves a little brother or sister. I'm an only child. I know what it is to crave someone who understands how screwed up his parents are. I know what it is to have to make all the decisions alone, and wonder how I'll care for my aging parents without help. Having siblings doesn't guarantee that won't still happen, but not having them guarantees it will. He deserves a sibling.

I say without excessive egotism that I am a good mother. Not a perfect one by any means, but a good one. Before I had Robbie, I didn't know that I would be. I certainly hoped that I would, certainly. But there was a part of me that wondered if growing up without a mother had broken something in me. I wouldn't have a mother to ask questions of or lean on. What if I couldn't do it? But now I know. Not only have I figured things out so far, but I've handled a child with special needs and done pretty okay by him. I'd be a great mom to another child.

David, for all his faults and the rough start he had to fatherhood, has grown into a good Dad. Now he sends me emails during the day talking about how excited he is to spend time with Robbie that evening, or just to tell me how great our kid is. He's a good dad. And Robbie adores him. We deserve another child.

Since we haven't prevented pregnancy in nearly two years, I knew we still fell into the infertile category. If you'd have asked me, I'd have told you without shame or hesitance that we were an infertile couple. But until today, until this morning, I hadn't felt the sense of sadness or loss that accompanies that label since before Robbie was born.

Today, I renewed my membership to a club I never wanted to belong to in the first place. Old habits die hard.

--Trish

23 comments:

Sunny said...

I'm so sorry. :( It's fun to plan those "what will happen when SURPRISE! we are pregnant" moments... and devastating to lose that hope. I was naive enough to think we could conceive on our own after we had our son -- the whole "jump-starting my reproductive system" thing. But my endo didn't give a crap, and it was back to the RE for Operation Sibling. Not that I'm not grateful to be pregnant, but there is definitely a sense of loss that we will never experience what fertile couples do.

Stacie said...

Oh, Trish...I am so sorry. I so totally get this feeling. Sending you hugs and love.

Heather said...

Sorry, hon. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I know how you feel. In 15 years of marriage I've never had an "oops" pregnancy. And we've never prevented a thing until after having the boys. I'm on the pill for the first time in my life, because now I know I want to be done and I laugh that if I'm not on BCPs I'll get that "oops" pregnancy now that I'll be 40 next year.

Hang in there. I hope you do someday get that lucky unexpected positive test.

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm sorry. We leap so quickly into those dreams and they get dashed so quickly.

Ivory said...

I'm so sorry :( This post makes my heart break because it's so easy to dream about what it "could" be like and so rarely is.

Stephanie said...

Oh man. The logic of whether or not to test is SO similar to my logic. Take out the "big brother" thing and you have my VERY SAME train of thought EVERY TIME I POAS.

I'm sorry you are dealing with these emotions.

Tracy said...

((hugs)) and love

It's amazing how we can go right back to that place of wanting and dreaming. And then reality is so painful.

lots of prayers for you and David

FattyPants said...

Being a member of a hopeless club sucks, but at least we have other members to lean on huh? Sorry about the negative.

MrsKatieH said...

Me too. I am so sorry :(

Shazz said...

You put into words the way I think and thought. I wasted so much money on the evil pee tests when I knew damn well I couldn't get pg naturally. We didn't even get a chance during the first 6 months when they say your most fertile after having our boy because we spent most of it in a NICU or just getting out lives back from spending 153 days in hospital.

I am sorry chickee....I know we do live in hope!

Amy said...

(((HUGS)))

Adriane said...

Boo for the negative. I'm so, so sorry. Infertility SUCKS. It's a crappy club to belong to. Hugs to you.

Shannon said...

Oh Trish, you're so good at putting into words all those feelings. I POAS twice this month...once before I started Provera to induce AF, and once the day before AF came. You know, just in case I could somehow get a bfp in those ten days. And every single time, I do all the tricks. Hold it up to the light, take the strip part out, the whole 9 yards. I wish it could just be fun and exciting, instead of anxiety-ridden and painful. And even when/if you get a bfp, you know it's going to be totally different from a "normal" pregnancy anyway b/c you're going to be worried about having another preemie the whole time. Life is so hard. *hugs*

Jenn said...

So sorry, Trish.

Mrs. Soup said...

I totally get this Trish. Big hugs.

Tasha said...

((HUG))

gina said...

Oh Trish,
I have done that so many times I can no longer keep track. Taking the stick apart, digging through the garbage, the whole bit. You are just so sure that THIS time, your body will just work and you will have that happy surprise "normal" people get to enjoy. I have even done it since I had a uteran ablasion which makes it damn near impossible and VERY dangerous to carry a pregnancy. No need to bore any of you with those details but lets just say there is NO WAY IN HELL I can get pregnant. Still, I wonder and dream, pretend and obsess. I am with you in the horrible club of constant infertility and hopeless dreamer. BUT it is hope and faith that carries us so I am glad to be in the club with you. Take Care Sister.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your morning...and what a morning! It was almost exhausting to read of your emotions, it must have been so much worse to go through it :/ I know you recognize the blessing that is Robbie, but I am sorry that your heart still aches. Thinking of you!

Patti B.

Lara + Chris said...

Hi Trish! I'm heartbroken for your disappointment, and I can't begin to imagine how it feels.

Is there any way you can email me or I can email you about your pregnancy? I ask because I'm 18 weeks and have spotted this entire pregnancy. Thus far LO is fine (according to doppler) - but I feel like there's something more I need to be doing or that the doctors need to look for. If it's still occurring in 2 weeks at my 20 week ultrasound, they'll check for placenta previa or a hematoma, but if neither of those are the case, I just....I don't know what else to do. Let it go? That doesn't seem right. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. I can give you all the wonderful TMI details about the type/amount of spotting, too.

largirl (at) yahoo (dot) com

Valerie said...

Big hugs, girl.

Azaera said...

I wish there was more I could give than just words. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts. I know it's devastating, it is a sense of loss in and of itself, even though you've carried it around for a while it stings to be reminded of it.

Elsbeth said...

::hugs:: I'm sorry, Trish.

chipz95 said...

I'm sorry, Trish. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way.