A good week

Spending the week with my mother in law was really nice. I always suspected it would be nice to have a real mom and it turns out I was right. We get along very well, so it was fun to have someone to talk to and gossip with. She loves the kids almost as much as I do and helps SO much with them. She cooked, she cleaned, hell, she did my laundry! A girl could get used to that.

Anxiety wise, I did pretty well. I had one bad night where I started thinking about being home alone with the kids again which set me into a tizzy, but it eventually passed.

I've been home a few days now and still doing pretty well. I'm still having a hard time when I first wake up. It doesn't matter if it's morning or a nap, for about an hour after I wake up, I'm really jittery and shaky. It feels a bit like having low blood sugar, but it's not that. I've found that if I have something caffeinated, it seems to help, so I think it's related to trying to get my blood pumping again.

I go back to the OB tomorrow to discuss progress. I am going to talk about changing meds. I'm a little nervous to do so because I'm afraid the anxiety will get worse again, but I'm hopeful that maybe we can manage even my residual anxiety and lessen the side effects as well.

I also start therapy tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about therapy itself. I've been in therapy before (in my late teens) and I'm fine with that. I originally went to college for psychology and feel pretty comfortable in that setting. I am, however, worried about liking my therapist. She seems very nice on the phone and came recommended by a friend I really trust. But she asked for some childhood history via email and spilling that all out in an email made me feel really vulnerable. And then she didn't reply. I ended up sending a follow up email under the guise of asking a question, sort of hoping she'd say something reassuring, but no luck. But I guess will see how it goes.

I know that having had a few days being mostly anxiety free has been really refreshing. I can't say I've felt 100% like the old me, but I couldn't say if that's mental illness or straight out exhaustion. (Charlotte had 4 nights in a row of being up for a 3 hour stretch in the middle of the night.) Either way, I am functional and capable of feeling joy, so I'll take it.

I'm also hopefully in the home stretch of quarantine. The doc said 8 weeks past due date, which gives us 2.5 weeks to go. Charlotte goes back to the doctor on Tuesday (rescheduled from 2 weeks ago because the highway to the doctor was shut down with ice) and we'll discuss it then. She's doing very well and gaining weight really well, so I don't think she'll stop us. I know she'll caution us that she's still small and need to be careful, but we should be able to go out and have company if we use good sense. And honestly, once Robbie goes back to school, there will be a steady flow of germs into the house anyway. I just hope the worst of it has passed by then (thinking the first week of March.)

I think having things to look forward to has helped my mental health more than just about anything else. One of the worst parts about anxiety has been the feeling that THIS (this feeling, this exhaustion, this overwhelmedness, this life) is forever. Being able to look and say "no, on X date, something good will happen" goes a long way to negate that. So looking forward to getting away for a week, then to starting therapy, then to getting out of quarantine... it's been nice.

We've also decided to take another week at my mother in law's next month. The week before Robbie goes back to school, we'll spend with her again. This time we'll even be able to go out to dinner or do some shopping since that should be post-quarantine. Another thing to look forward to.

I'm also looking forward to Robbie going back to school, too. Right now the plan is just preschool (2 hours) on Monday & Wednesday and all day on Tuesday & Thursday (he'll stay home on Fridays). That gives him 4 days of preschool plus two full days of being with his friends. While his development has done a LOT of catching up in the last year, the biggest area that he is still behind in are in his social development. Being with the other kids his age is the best way to facilitate that, so I think it's important for him.

And honestly, the idea of 2 days a week where I can sleep when Charlotte sleeps sounds great. Even on the weekends when David is home, Robbie wants me all the time. David takes Charlotte so I can take a nap and I wake up to Robbie bouncing on my head. Or the sound of David and Robbie at the door arguing about whether mommy really needs to be left alone or not. Being loved by your son is a good problem to have, for sure. But a real nap sounds pretty nice, too.

All in all, it was a good week. And I hope that this week continues to be so. It's hard to feel confident that it will be because it seems like just when I think I've got this thing licked, anxiety surges through again, but I'm trying to remain positive. Wish me luck.


--Trish