Plans

I'm so freaking sad tonight.

I spent most of the day angry.

There is no specific reason for these emotions, it's just one of those days.

I started out feeling angry. Angry at my life, my crappy luck, my crappy circumstances, my crappy body, the crappy snow, the crappy parking lot snow-scraper guy at the post office, the crappy traffic... you get the idea.

I read that Jaime Lynn Spears is pregnant and I'm enraged. Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? Sometimes I feel like we're players in some Shakespearean comedy. The infertile girl can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, but JAIME FREAKIN' LYNN SPEARS is pregnant? Fuck her. Fuck all of it. ANGRY.

Then as the anger wanes a bit, I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I'm dreading Christmas. I mean, just absolutely dreading it. I told David earlier tonight that I wish I could just skip to February first.

By then we'll know the outcome of this cycle, and have a plan for whatever the next step is. Christmas will be over. Maybe I'll have lost a few more pounds. Who knows?

I can't help getting bogged down in could-have-beens. This was supposed to be our first Christmas with the baby. This time last year I was pregnant. We talked about how "next Christmas we'll host everyone, because everyone is going to want to see their grandbaby." And not only is that not the case, but we've lost another baby on the way and don't appear to be anywhere near making another.

Truth be told, I'm also dreading spending the holiday at my in-laws. Not that I don't like them. I do. But as much as my family drives me batty- they're my family. I want my grandma's ham & my aunt's homemade beef & noodles. I want my dad to wake me up too early & be obnoxious with his cheer.

When we got engaged, we agreed to switch off holidays. The first year (3 years ago) we spent T-day at my family's and Christmas at his. Last year, it was the opposite. It's totally fair. I have no right to complain. But his mom's just doesn't feel like home to me.

That first Christmas w/o my family was awful. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. Their traditions are different. The food is different. The food served was not to my liking much at all. I had mashed potatoes & deviled eggs for Christmas dinner. Everything else was really not my cup o' tea. David smoked a ham. Everyone but me loves that. I absolutely loathe it. It's not a matter of "it's not as good as my grandma's" it's more like "If I get it in my mouth on accident, I want to throw up." I hate smokey flavors. Perhaps I'm high maintenance, but damn it, I want my grandma's ham.

David promises me this year that he's going to halve a ham and smoke half and bake the other. So that's something. But I'm still whiny. Not that I've complained to David- I haven't. It wouldn't be fair. He gives up his family to be with mine. I'm sure it sucks for him, too. (Even if I do not-so-secretly believe that my family's food is superior.)

I'm just being whiny. I know I am. But I'm sad, damn it. This is not the life I planned.


--Trish

IUI #6 complete

Lots of catching up to do. I wanted to post last night about the events of yesterday but my laptop has suddenly decided that I don't need to surf the web. AS IF.


Okay, after my lumpy boob episode, I called the hospital and was able to get an appointment on the 20th for an ultrasound.

At the encouraging of a friend, I made another couple of calls and found a place that could see me yesterday. So, yesterday I went for my ultrasound.

The ultrasound tech was less-than-pleasant. She had me point out the lump, marked it with a marker, then squirted u/s lube all over my boob. As she rubbed the wand over my boob she looked as though she'd just bitten into a lemon. I asked if she was having trouble. She sort of dismissed me and asked me to find the lump again. Then she rubbed some more. She still looked perplexed. I asked if she was not seeing anything. She replied, "Well, I'm scanning where you SAY you feel the lump."

Umm.. WTF bitch? I'm making up a lump? Because my idea of a good time is to plop my boob out for a surly chick with a bad hair cut and let her poke at it? I explained that I was not the one that found it- my doctor was. That yes, I can feel it now that it's been pointed out to me, so yes, I DO feel a lump.

She threw a towel over my boobs and told me not to wipe anything off, she'd be back.

She came back in and told me I was having a mammogram. Yes, music to a big boobed girl's ears. I just love my life. She had me get cleaned up and lead me down to the mammography area.

Fortunately, the mammogram tech had a FAR better personality. She had me find the lump (the original mark being gone from washing the 10 gallons of KY off my tit) and immediately said she could feel it. Good to know I'm not alone in my delusions.

Then the smooshing began. Honestly, the smashing wasn't the worst of it. That part really wasn't too bad. Only one of those actually hurt. It's the positioning that sucks. They have to get ALL of your tissue on the plate. So the plate is jammed into your ribs and they pull on the skin under your arm, above & below your boob and smash it in the machine. Oh, and of course, being large breasted, I had to hold the other one out of the line of sight of the machine. Sometimes I really wish these things were detachable.

Once that was done, she had me cover myself and then went to get the radiologist.

Essentially- they see nothing. Neither test revealed any anomalies. Per the radiologist, that usually means it's just normal breast tissue. But in some circumstances it could be something. I'm to follow up with my doctor. They may opt to biopsy it, they may opt to watch it. Who knows.

I feel 95% better about my boob.


In addition to my hectic day yesterday, I got a positive OPK. (Yeah, I was surprised! It worked AND was positive?) I was surging on my own a day earlier than they expected.


So, IUI #6 was today.

It went......okay.

There was little pain, which was nice. But we only had 4 million sperm. Obviously better than the 500,000 we had last month, but still firmly in "shitty" territory.

My nurse asked me if we were ready to talk about other options. She mentioned injectables/IUI and IVF. I told her my insurance is changing Jan 1 and I wasn't sure what sorts of hoops we would have to jump through so yes, we realize we're going to have to explore other options, but we don't know what all is involved yet. She recommended that if we get a negative this month that we set up a talk appointment with my doc & discuss where to go from here.

Honestly, if my insurance will let us move to IVF, I think we will just go for it. I dread it. My ovaries have hurt like HELL the last 2 days and that's with 7 follies. I can't imagine what 15 or 20 would feel like. But I also realize that we're probably just delaying the inevitable here.

So, I guess we wait and see. Of course, everyone is hopeful that this will work, but realistically, I have to look ahead.

The good part is that I had emotionally prepared myself for the low # so there were no tears today. 10 or 20 million would have been great, but I knew what we were getting into. So I'm okay.


All in all, it's been one heck of a week. Four trips to the doctor in four days. You'd think I was 81 instead of 31.


Thank you to everyone who responded about my boob crisis. I really, really appreciate the love & support I get from the community.


--Trish

Pouring

When it rains, it pours.

I have a lump in my left breast.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for 12/20 to get a better look at it.

Per the order:

Left Breast ultrasound. Palpable mass @ 4:00. 1x2cm on left breast, firm but mobile. And then there is a drawing of my boob. (That part made me laugh.)


I don't know how I didn't know it was there. Honestly, though, even when she felt it, when I tried to feel, I couldn't tell. When standing and poking, I can definitely feel it, though.


I'm a little freaked out. I know I'm only 31 and on hormones. She thinks it's "just a cyst" based on the feel of it. But I'm still freaked out.


I hate my body. It just seems like it's one thing after another. I hate my body.


Trish

Cycle 8 billion, Day 12.

In my charts, this is listed at cycle 18. There were a couple of months of charts before I bought ovusoft that were lost in a computer crash, so it's probably my 20th or 21st charted cycle. There were 6 months of "not-preventing" before that. The two pregnancies added time as well.

So we're at 26 months now, I think.

It seems more like 260. Or 8 billion.

Had my CD12 monitoring today.

Left ovary:
18mm
13mm
(2) 10mm

Right ovary:
18mm
(2) ~10mm
Possibly a 4th small one, but she was having trouble getting a good angle on it.

Lining: 5.8mm

They've decided to give me another 2 days to surge on my own and if nothing by Wednesday, I'll trigger Wednesday night & IUI on Friday.

I feel pretty okay with that. I usually ovulate around CD15 on Clomid. Friday morning would be pretty much CD15 1/2.

I just hope we have some sperm this month.

On the emotional front, I'm doing better.

David has gone out of his way to check in with me. He's made sure to take his vitamins, and he even managed to hit the gym one day w/o me. It helps a lot to feel like he's in this with me.

Tomorrow I have my pap smear with my GYN. It's funny that I dread it. I think it's mostly the sitting in the waiting room with 20 pregnant women. Wish me luck.


--Trish

Dam breaking

Today was a rough day.

I finally worked up the courage to discuss the brewing anger I've had lately. I swear, on my life, I was calm. I was rational. I was sensitive.

He was defensive.

It started out fairly well. I asked if he thought maybe I was depressed. That lead into me talking about how angry I've been. I really tried to make it about me. So much for that.

When he started yelling, I told him I was sorry and I shouldn't have mentioned it. That didn't dissuade him.

He rarely yells. I don't handle it well when he does. I left. Maybe not the best thing but I just had to get out. He seemed surprised when I emerged fully dressed & grabbed my keys.

I went and sat in the park for a while and sobbed. I don't know how much I was crying about our argument, really. I couldn't stop. I cried over his words. I cried over my words. I cried about my anger. I cried for our babies. I cried about our lack of sperm. I cried about the unfairness of it all.

I honestly don't think I've cried that hard since my first miscarriage. The weird thing was that I could hear myself wailing. I was thinking how I almost sound like I'm laughing when I cry that hard. You'd think that would make the crying stop. Nope.

I think it was a healthy cry. I needed to get it out. I've been so emotionally pent up. That's probably a big part of my anger.

After I talked to an infertile friend for a while, I felt strong enough to go home.

He met me at the door. We talked a long time.

I think the words that hurt me the most were "All you do is complain." I finally said to him that I have a lot to complain about. He agreed. It was funny how much him agreeing helped me.

I told him that when he tells me to be happy or tells me not to be negative it doesn't remotely make me feel better. It actually makes me feel worse. He was actually surprised. Apparently he truly thought that saying "You can't think about the bad stuff." would ACTUALLY make me NOT think about the bad stuff.

Men are weird. That's all I can say.

He apologized for not helping. He kept saying he wishes he could make me happier. I told him he makes me happy. And that he frustrates the living shit out of me.


He's promised to do better. We picked up his new vitamins this weekend. We've been to the gym and are going again tomorrow.

We talked about what happens if this doesn't work. What if we can't have a baby? Maybe we can get pregnant again, maybe we can't. If we do get pregnant again, there are no guarantees. Maybe I lose another baby... and another.. and another. Neither of us know what our stopping point is.

I talked about some of my fears about adoption. He's convinced we'll be parents one way or another.

All in all, it was a conversation that needed to be had. I stop short of saying it was good. I still feel too much sadness to call it good. We've made up. I feel less angry.

But there are so many questions left unanswered. I don't think I know what good feels like anymore.


--Trish