Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Plans

I'm so freaking sad tonight.

I spent most of the day angry.

There is no specific reason for these emotions, it's just one of those days.

I started out feeling angry. Angry at my life, my crappy luck, my crappy circumstances, my crappy body, the crappy snow, the crappy parking lot snow-scraper guy at the post office, the crappy traffic... you get the idea.

I read that Jaime Lynn Spears is pregnant and I'm enraged. Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? Sometimes I feel like we're players in some Shakespearean comedy. The infertile girl can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, but JAIME FREAKIN' LYNN SPEARS is pregnant? Fuck her. Fuck all of it. ANGRY.

Then as the anger wanes a bit, I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I'm dreading Christmas. I mean, just absolutely dreading it. I told David earlier tonight that I wish I could just skip to February first.

By then we'll know the outcome of this cycle, and have a plan for whatever the next step is. Christmas will be over. Maybe I'll have lost a few more pounds. Who knows?

I can't help getting bogged down in could-have-beens. This was supposed to be our first Christmas with the baby. This time last year I was pregnant. We talked about how "next Christmas we'll host everyone, because everyone is going to want to see their grandbaby." And not only is that not the case, but we've lost another baby on the way and don't appear to be anywhere near making another.

Truth be told, I'm also dreading spending the holiday at my in-laws. Not that I don't like them. I do. But as much as my family drives me batty- they're my family. I want my grandma's ham & my aunt's homemade beef & noodles. I want my dad to wake me up too early & be obnoxious with his cheer.

When we got engaged, we agreed to switch off holidays. The first year (3 years ago) we spent T-day at my family's and Christmas at his. Last year, it was the opposite. It's totally fair. I have no right to complain. But his mom's just doesn't feel like home to me.

That first Christmas w/o my family was awful. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. Their traditions are different. The food is different. The food served was not to my liking much at all. I had mashed potatoes & deviled eggs for Christmas dinner. Everything else was really not my cup o' tea. David smoked a ham. Everyone but me loves that. I absolutely loathe it. It's not a matter of "it's not as good as my grandma's" it's more like "If I get it in my mouth on accident, I want to throw up." I hate smokey flavors. Perhaps I'm high maintenance, but damn it, I want my grandma's ham.

David promises me this year that he's going to halve a ham and smoke half and bake the other. So that's something. But I'm still whiny. Not that I've complained to David- I haven't. It wouldn't be fair. He gives up his family to be with mine. I'm sure it sucks for him, too. (Even if I do not-so-secretly believe that my family's food is superior.)

I'm just being whiny. I know I am. But I'm sad, damn it. This is not the life I planned.


--Trish

13 comments:

Cindy Nguyen said...

That sucks! I don't like smoked ham either. It needs to be baked and have honey on it. And mustard, the good mustard.

Hugs to you.

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

Isn't that the worst? The shattered dreams of what should have been.

wanttobeamom said...

I go through waves of dreading Christmas too. It's very understandable, but that doesn't make it easier. I hope you get a nice Christmas surprise and feel more at home with DH's family this year.

Colleen said...

oh honey, I am right on your side. Stuck like glue.

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry about the family situation and hte food- i relate holidays to alot of my favorite foods that certain people make and only get on holidays. my in laws - have no traditions we had grilled cheeses a few yrs back ....It is sad!

I am sorry tht you are dreading this and not getting to enjoy it like you want! It's all just really unfair

Tracy said...

I wish you could have your grandma's ham. And everything else that would make you happy.

I'm sorry IF and the holidays don't mix well. F*, IF! My new motto. You can borrow it anytime.

Brooke said...

The holidays are such a tough time!

Yodasmistress said...

We all have the angry days. It's ok. You're allowed. I promise.

I have to say that it took me some time to get used to my DH's family traditions. His family is polish and they do all kinds of weird stuff - like eat pickled haring! No, I'm not kidding. However, they also drink vodka and bourbon slushes! I'm pretty sure I drink more than everyone else at the holiday events but I don't really care. It makes things so much more fun. I highly recommend it! ;-)

Meghan said...

Sorry you're having a down day. I wish I could just hit fast forward too. I am so ready for 07 to be over!

And sorry about your holiday menu. Could you volunteer to make a side or something so at least they'll be something familiar you like on the menu?

Malloryn said...

As Christmas gets closer, I'm feeling a bad case of the "could have been's" as well. I hope that you're able to find some enjoyment during the holidays. It's a really tough time.

JKH said...

I'm feeling ya Trish...

We do the switching off thing, too, and I hate having to spend Christmas with J's family. Don't get me wrong...I love them dearly, but they just don't do it right! They don't go to church on Christmas Eve, they don't wake up early on Christmas Day, they have deli meat instead of the real thing, the dressing isn't good, etc....

We should have a 4 month old this year. But we don't...this SUCKS!!! I used to LOVE Christmas, but now I'm dreading it. It's just not fair!!!

And don't get me started on the Spears sisters. They're both just plain stupid! That's all there is to it!!!

Just wanted you to know that you're NOT alone. I'm totally getting where you are! Sending you lots of cyber (((HUGS)))

Amy said...

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry, love.

Carrie said...

I understand. I'm sad too. And I miss my babies. I miss their milestones. Especially at Christmas. It is not fair.

I wish I could help you out but all I can say is, I understand.