Plans

I'm so freaking sad tonight.

I spent most of the day angry.

There is no specific reason for these emotions, it's just one of those days.

I started out feeling angry. Angry at my life, my crappy luck, my crappy circumstances, my crappy body, the crappy snow, the crappy parking lot snow-scraper guy at the post office, the crappy traffic... you get the idea.

I read that Jaime Lynn Spears is pregnant and I'm enraged. Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? Sometimes I feel like we're players in some Shakespearean comedy. The infertile girl can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, but JAIME FREAKIN' LYNN SPEARS is pregnant? Fuck her. Fuck all of it. ANGRY.

Then as the anger wanes a bit, I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I'm dreading Christmas. I mean, just absolutely dreading it. I told David earlier tonight that I wish I could just skip to February first.

By then we'll know the outcome of this cycle, and have a plan for whatever the next step is. Christmas will be over. Maybe I'll have lost a few more pounds. Who knows?

I can't help getting bogged down in could-have-beens. This was supposed to be our first Christmas with the baby. This time last year I was pregnant. We talked about how "next Christmas we'll host everyone, because everyone is going to want to see their grandbaby." And not only is that not the case, but we've lost another baby on the way and don't appear to be anywhere near making another.

Truth be told, I'm also dreading spending the holiday at my in-laws. Not that I don't like them. I do. But as much as my family drives me batty- they're my family. I want my grandma's ham & my aunt's homemade beef & noodles. I want my dad to wake me up too early & be obnoxious with his cheer.

When we got engaged, we agreed to switch off holidays. The first year (3 years ago) we spent T-day at my family's and Christmas at his. Last year, it was the opposite. It's totally fair. I have no right to complain. But his mom's just doesn't feel like home to me.

That first Christmas w/o my family was awful. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. Their traditions are different. The food is different. The food served was not to my liking much at all. I had mashed potatoes & deviled eggs for Christmas dinner. Everything else was really not my cup o' tea. David smoked a ham. Everyone but me loves that. I absolutely loathe it. It's not a matter of "it's not as good as my grandma's" it's more like "If I get it in my mouth on accident, I want to throw up." I hate smokey flavors. Perhaps I'm high maintenance, but damn it, I want my grandma's ham.

David promises me this year that he's going to halve a ham and smoke half and bake the other. So that's something. But I'm still whiny. Not that I've complained to David- I haven't. It wouldn't be fair. He gives up his family to be with mine. I'm sure it sucks for him, too. (Even if I do not-so-secretly believe that my family's food is superior.)

I'm just being whiny. I know I am. But I'm sad, damn it. This is not the life I planned.


--Trish