Monday, December 3, 2007

Dam breaking

Today was a rough day.

I finally worked up the courage to discuss the brewing anger I've had lately. I swear, on my life, I was calm. I was rational. I was sensitive.

He was defensive.

It started out fairly well. I asked if he thought maybe I was depressed. That lead into me talking about how angry I've been. I really tried to make it about me. So much for that.

When he started yelling, I told him I was sorry and I shouldn't have mentioned it. That didn't dissuade him.

He rarely yells. I don't handle it well when he does. I left. Maybe not the best thing but I just had to get out. He seemed surprised when I emerged fully dressed & grabbed my keys.

I went and sat in the park for a while and sobbed. I don't know how much I was crying about our argument, really. I couldn't stop. I cried over his words. I cried over my words. I cried about my anger. I cried for our babies. I cried about our lack of sperm. I cried about the unfairness of it all.

I honestly don't think I've cried that hard since my first miscarriage. The weird thing was that I could hear myself wailing. I was thinking how I almost sound like I'm laughing when I cry that hard. You'd think that would make the crying stop. Nope.

I think it was a healthy cry. I needed to get it out. I've been so emotionally pent up. That's probably a big part of my anger.

After I talked to an infertile friend for a while, I felt strong enough to go home.

He met me at the door. We talked a long time.

I think the words that hurt me the most were "All you do is complain." I finally said to him that I have a lot to complain about. He agreed. It was funny how much him agreeing helped me.

I told him that when he tells me to be happy or tells me not to be negative it doesn't remotely make me feel better. It actually makes me feel worse. He was actually surprised. Apparently he truly thought that saying "You can't think about the bad stuff." would ACTUALLY make me NOT think about the bad stuff.

Men are weird. That's all I can say.

He apologized for not helping. He kept saying he wishes he could make me happier. I told him he makes me happy. And that he frustrates the living shit out of me.


He's promised to do better. We picked up his new vitamins this weekend. We've been to the gym and are going again tomorrow.

We talked about what happens if this doesn't work. What if we can't have a baby? Maybe we can get pregnant again, maybe we can't. If we do get pregnant again, there are no guarantees. Maybe I lose another baby... and another.. and another. Neither of us know what our stopping point is.

I talked about some of my fears about adoption. He's convinced we'll be parents one way or another.

All in all, it was a conversation that needed to be had. I stop short of saying it was good. I still feel too much sadness to call it good. We've made up. I feel less angry.

But there are so many questions left unanswered. I don't think I know what good feels like anymore.


--Trish

20 comments:

Feisty said...

*hugs* i'm praying for you.

p.s. you've been tagged.

Feisty said...

*hugs* i'm praying for you.

p.s. you've been tagged.

Carrie said...

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to do this. It's hard enough without feeling like you're fighting it alone.
If he's anything like my husband it won't seem like he's taken it all in. Perhaps, slowly, in the next short time, he'll show you that he has. I do hope so xx

Malloryn said...

As difficult as that was, it was probably a good emotional release for you. Being able to speak about our infertility issues with my husband has been very hard for me. I don't want to make it sound like I'm pushing the blame on him, yet sometimes he's quick to become defensive as soon as I bring it up.

I feel for you, Trish. This is too much to go through alone -- you need to be supportive of each other. Hopefully this argument will help your husband understand your feelings a bit more (never 100% though, such is life!).

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

I swear we are married to the same man. Way too much deja vu in that post.


It's so hard not to be negative. And they just don't get it. Sigh. I am so sorry.

Fertilize Me said...

i am glad that you got a healthy release and a conversation with the Man. These conversations are just too much emotion so much and It's more talk then other non-IF'ers realize. I am glad that you have a friend that sounds like a great sounding board. I hope that you find what good feela like again soon

tryingin2007 said...

Oh! I know how that feels -- the anger and frustration. it's amazing that any "infertile" couples survive. men process things very differently, or in my case, express (or not) things very differently. I think therapy should be prescribed along with the stims. it will get better. I promise.

thanks for the tag. as soon as I start to feel better I'll respond.

Meghan said...

Sorry you guys had such a hard night. I hope that cry helped, a good one always helps me.

And at least you managed to get a starting point with DH. Hopefully you can build from there. Those are some really tough questions you two have on your plate and they'll require some tough conversations.

thinking of you guys and wishing you strength

Rachel Inbar said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog :-)

If you're married to a guy with whom having a good argument once in a while makes things better, consider yourself lucky...

It's great that you have at least one good friend to talk to. When I was going through infertility, I was so young that most of my friends weren't even married yet & none of them had a clue what I was going through.

wanttobeamom said...

Oh my. You did have a rough day. I hope your crying was a good release. Sometimes you do have to let it out so you don't actually go crazy. Although, it is weird when you're sobbing and you hear yourself from the outside too and realize you sound weird, but can't stop crying. I had that experience twice yesterday. Must have been the day for releasing pent up anger...

I hope that your talk with DH can be the stepping stone for improvement in the future! You guys are in my prayers.

Yodasmistress said...

"All you do is complain."

My husband says this to me alll the time. However when I tell him I have reasons to complain he annoyingly reminds me of all the people who have less than us in the world. Just this past weekend I tried to tell him that just because I'm sad about IF doesn't mean I'm not happy about other parts of our life... AND VISA VERSA!!! He soooo doesn't get it though.

I've also tried to talk to him about the future of IF treatment/adoption, etc and all he says is that we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I want to talk about it so much and find his unwillingness to do so very frustrating.

I'm sorry for all you're going through.

Will they have his eyes? said...

I love those kinds of cries. I mean, I hate to have to cry like that, but I usually feel better after releasing it all. You're in my prayers, sweetheart.

Anonymous said...

Send him to this post.

http://smarshyboy.blogspot.com/2006/09/happiest-infertile-on-block.html

I emailed my husband this link and it was like, everything clicked for him. It was a huge realization for him that we were in a pattern that so many others were in, me being depressed and him feeling like he had to change that. I think he really got it after reading this, and the best part is that it's written by a guy!

Hope things get better for you.

Jenn said...

So sorry...I'm thinking about you and praying for you. You're always so good about listening to my probs, I'm here if you want to vent.

Cindy Nguyen said...

I've so been there.

I'm sorry this hurts so much.

Sunny said...

I really sounds like this was helpful. Sometimes men need everything spelled out perfectly. HUGS to a very hard day.

Angela said...

*hugs*

Tracy said...

I hope things are better now.
Well you know what I mean..there's only one thing that will make things ALL better. And that's a baby in your arms. I hope you have that joy soon as possible. ((hugs))

Grump said...

I may comment infrquently, but I always think of you, Trishy...(((HUGS))))

Ivonne said...

((hugs)) i'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. Hopefully this is a start for both of you to open up a little more about your fears and communicate. I'll keep you in my prayers.