Today was a rough day.
I finally worked up the courage to discuss the brewing anger I've had lately. I swear, on my life, I was calm. I was rational. I was sensitive.
He was defensive.
It started out fairly well. I asked if he thought maybe I was depressed. That lead into me talking about how angry I've been. I really tried to make it about me. So much for that.
When he started yelling, I told him I was sorry and I shouldn't have mentioned it. That didn't dissuade him.
He rarely yells. I don't handle it well when he does. I left. Maybe not the best thing but I just had to get out. He seemed surprised when I emerged fully dressed & grabbed my keys.
I went and sat in the park for a while and sobbed. I don't know how much I was crying about our argument, really. I couldn't stop. I cried over his words. I cried over my words. I cried about my anger. I cried for our babies. I cried about our lack of sperm. I cried about the unfairness of it all.
I honestly don't think I've cried that hard since my first miscarriage. The weird thing was that I could hear myself wailing. I was thinking how I almost sound like I'm laughing when I cry that hard. You'd think that would make the crying stop. Nope.
I think it was a healthy cry. I needed to get it out. I've been so emotionally pent up. That's probably a big part of my anger.
After I talked to an infertile friend for a while, I felt strong enough to go home.
He met me at the door. We talked a long time.
I think the words that hurt me the most were "All you do is complain." I finally said to him that I have a lot to complain about. He agreed. It was funny how much him agreeing helped me.
I told him that when he tells me to be happy or tells me not to be negative it doesn't remotely make me feel better. It actually makes me feel worse. He was actually surprised. Apparently he truly thought that saying "You can't think about the bad stuff." would ACTUALLY make me NOT think about the bad stuff.
Men are weird. That's all I can say.
He apologized for not helping. He kept saying he wishes he could make me happier. I told him he makes me happy. And that he frustrates the living shit out of me.
He's promised to do better. We picked up his new vitamins this weekend. We've been to the gym and are going again tomorrow.
We talked about what happens if this doesn't work. What if we can't have a baby? Maybe we can get pregnant again, maybe we can't. If we do get pregnant again, there are no guarantees. Maybe I lose another baby... and another.. and another. Neither of us know what our stopping point is.
I talked about some of my fears about adoption. He's convinced we'll be parents one way or another.
All in all, it was a conversation that needed to be had. I stop short of saying it was good. I still feel too much sadness to call it good. We've made up. I feel less angry.
But there are so many questions left unanswered. I don't think I know what good feels like anymore.