Monday, July 30, 2007


You know, one of the oddest things about infertility is the mood swings. Yes, it could be blamed on fertility meds or my probably waning pregnancy hormones, but I don't think so. I think I just feel like a deep wound covered by a thin scab. If you treat it gently, doesn't hurt at all (maybe just itches a little.) But just the right thing can get under it and make it bleed again.

I've been okay. When the bleeding got worse on Thursday night and I knew it was over, I had a good breakdown. By Friday morning when the tissue started to go, I was okay. I mean, every few hours, I'd cry again, but in between, I was okay.

The doctors (my old R.E. and the doctor on call all week) managed to convince me to have a natural miscarriage rather than a D&C. The doctor on call pretty much said "The risks of a D&C are minimal. But we work in an office where we see the damage it causes when they happen. We don't want anything to happen to your uterus." I knew she was going to try to talk me out of it, and I had worked up a good head of steam beforehand, but honestly, she was persuasive. She added that it didn't really matter what the fetal tissue testing showed, they'd look for a translocation in David and me anyway. I can still have the tissue testing done, just that I have to collect it myself and bring it in.

Yes, that's right. In my refrigerator is a snack sized ziploc bag with bits of my insides in it. It is inside a paper sack so as to not completely creep David out, but it's in there. I'm not entirely convinced this is going to work since most of the tissue is from Friday and it won't get to the lab until Monday, but we'll give it a shot.

I haven't passed anything large. It's all small bits. I'm not convinced I've passed everything even though I haven't passed more than 2 very small bits in more than a day. The cramps come and go. They were REALLY bad earlier, so I was certain I'd passed something, but no - just my uterus fucking with me. So, I don't know if I've still got more coming or what. The sac was so incredibly small last week that maybe there wasn't that much to pass? I don't know. But I've had heavier periods than this, so I am sort of braced for more to come.

I haven't been to work since Tuesday. I don't plan to go back until Wednesday. It's very complicated but the way my company's attendance policy works, it doesn't benefit me to go back any sooner. Honestly, with the waxing & waning pain, I think I'm better off at home. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday for what was supposed to be my 8w u/s and doctor visit. Instead, it'll probably be a planning session for where to go from here. From there, I'll feel okay going back to work.

As for that planning, I and my google medical degree think that we should try injectibles/IUI. I mean, I've been responding to Clomid just fine, but maybe we could try something else? Plus it ups the chances of twins and maybe if we can get a couple of fertilized eggs ONE of them will live. Thoughts from any veterans out there? I had a miscarriage after a Clomid pregnancy. And now I've had a miscarriage after a Clomid/Metformin pregnancy. Not that either are at fault, just you know me, if I'm not moving forward, I feel like I'm falling backward. Let's try something else.

Of course, this is all dependent on what all the testing shows. But you know, that's my plan. I don't know what the plan will be if they find a translocation. I'm going to have to do some google research on it before any test results come in. Anyone out there with a translocation have any advice/knowledge for me?

Oh, and this will all take place next cycle. I honestly have no idea how long any of this testing takes or how long my doctor is going to want us to wait to try again. My OB/GYN made us wait 2 cycles, but you and I both know that there is no medical reason to wait more than 1 cycle. And emotionally, I just want to move on. We'll see what she thinks.

Anyway, back to the picked scab. (Wow, this is a seriously TMI entry, huh? I wonder what weird google searches will lead here and what people not looking for me will think. I'll have to keep an eye on my google search terms for the next few days.) I'm okayish. I mean, I think I'm suitably sad. If I wasn't upset, that would be denial. But overall, I'm just focused on the future.

I feel a little guilty about being okayish. At this point after my first miscarriage I was a wreck. I try not to think that I loved my first baby more, but the truth of the matter is that I probably did, simply out of self-preservation. We started with a low beta this time. I knew the chances of this working out were slim. So I didn't let myself get as attached. Now, the funny part of that is that I actually was MORE hopeful this time than last time. But it was more like hope for a pregnancy, not hope for a baby. Does that make ANY sense at all?

When I referred to my situation as limbo, one friend commented that I wasn't in limbo - I was definitely pregnant. I don't think she got that it wasn't pregnancy limbo. It was parenthood limbo. I was pregnant, but was never sure if I was expecting a baby.

Anyway, as okayish as I've been, tonight a few things got me. Someone I know expecting baby #2. Another blogger's good ultrasound result. I'm happy for both of them but both times, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.

The idea of baby #2. Wow. I'm on the cusp of hitting the 2 year mark. If I was one of those women who went off birth control and Boom! got pregnant, I could be expecting #2 now. Hell, my first due date is only a couple of weeks away and that took us more than a year. (August 16th, for anyone keeping track. Expect a crappy entry that day.)

And a good ultrasound. Wow. What a concept. I can't help but wonder if I'll EVER have a good ultrasound. Even the not-as-bad-as-expected ultrasounds I've had aren't met with exuberance. Usually just relief with a mix of new worries.

If we ever do manage to get pregnant with a healthy baby, I wonder what point I'll actually feel like things might be okay? I have this vision of myself holding my breath until after delivery. I'm not sure I'll ever believe it until I'm actually looking at a baby.

Anyway, the scabs are starting to heal over again, I'm feeling okayish again. For all my blogger friends out there, please don't be offended if I don't comment for a few days. I'm reading and rooting for you, but as I might have to quickly shut down a page to avoid the ugly cry I might not get to the comment page for a little bit.

Also, to everyone who has sent their sympathy, love & prayers this last week, a huge, huge, huge thank you. You truly don't know what your words have meant to me. Perhaps it is you sharing my sorrow that has made it manageable. I appreciate each and every one of you.


P.S. As I was proofreading this post, I realized how hopeful I sound about getting pregnant again. What an odd twist. It's not as though we don't have trouble getting pregnant, but I guess now that we've done it twice in 6 months, I just sort of assume we'll be able to do again. When the hell did I get so cocky? My eggs still suck and his sperm still suck even more. What a weird ride this is.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

More bleeding

Well, the bleeding has returned with a vengeance.
Started last night with just some spotting, stopped again. Was good this morning, this afternoon, it started again. It seems to be getting heavier tonight. If it's not over now, I'm sure it's imminent.

I've had a small breakdown crying in my husband's arms and now I'm just.......numb.

He keeps saying we're ahead of the game. We weren't supposed to get pregnant at all and now we've done it twice. But that doesn't seem to calm the idea that the sac is crashing down around my baby and it's still-beating heart.

I know there aren't much in the way of nerves yet, but I can't help but wonder if it hurts. If it knows I love it. If it knows we wanted it more than anything in the world.

I've read a lot of things from different religions and different cultures regarding babies. As Americans, we don't have much of a view. Some people believe the soul isn't there until halfway to the pregnancy, some people the soul is there immediately. One of my favorites is that it's the last task of a soul... that this soul's final task was to be loved unconditionally. It didn't need to be born for that.

I thought of this theory the other day and talked to it in my mind and told it I didn't love it. I wouldn't only love it if it was born. But I think we both know that's a lie.

So.. I sit here and cry. I honestly don't know what to say. How we got here just blows my mind. We're normal people. We don't smoke. I drink maybe a drink a month, David's never had a drink in his life. We don't do drugs. Neither of us has ever had a sexually transmitted disease. We're employed (both of us now!) and have a decent enough home. We take good care of our three cats and our dog. We aren't the types to leave our baby in a hot car or ride around w/o a car seat. We're upstanding people. Just regular ones. But here we are. Infertile, and the parents of 2 dead babies.

I don't know how this happened to us. I really don't.


Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Limbo Continues

I'll start with the good news.

The baby is still alive. Heart it still beating. Measurements are a little closer to what they should be. I'm 7w today, baby is measuring at 6.3w. (That's up from 5.1w a week ago.) She couldn't get a good enough look to get a heartrate again, but we could see it going quite well. Oh, and the bleeding has stopped.

The bad news is that the sac hasn't grown at all. Still measuring at 4.3w. There is almost no amniotic fluid around the baby at all. There really is no explanation as to why. I was pretty much told to spend the rest of the week on the couch watching movies and drinking fluids, and staying cool.

I did a little reading courtesy of our friend Dr. Google and it pretty much comes down to they don't know. Could be dehydration, could be a birth defect, but most of the time, there just isn't a real answer.

So, yet again, we wait and see.

We actually saw my old R.E. today. The one I love SO much. She greeted me with a hug, which was nice. "It's so nice to see you guys!" like we're old friends. I love her so much. She actually had the nerve to apologize for not calling me herself yesterday. I really don't think she realizes that most doctors don't return all their patients calls. That's what nurses are for. Anyway, she pretty much told me take the rest of the week off and left Monday up to me. I go back Tuesday for another ultrasound.

I actually thought it was Wednesday and mentioned as much when we were talking. She just had her secretary call me to tell me that it's actually Tuesday. Nice AND pays attention - A DOCTOR! I swear it's a sign of the apocolypse.

After we were finished, David and I had lunch and David commented how odd it is that she's a researcher. She's just got such great people skills that she just isn't a proper nerd. And trust me, if DAVID notices how great her people skills are, they're good. His are lacking (He is a proper geek.) and he often pays no attention whatsoever to such things.

Anyway, David went to work and I went to the bookstore. Got a couple of books. (Lean Mean Thirteen by Janet Evanovich, and the first Harry Potter book, if anyone is interested.) Now I'm home. I'm wearing jammies & watching "Cars." Though I'm actually considering a nap.

I feel pretty good, overall. The fluid thing has me very nervous, but the only thing I can do about it is rest & drink, both of which are in progress, so I just wait.

Any and all prayers are still much appreciated. They seem to be working so far.


Tuesday, July 24, 2007


Woke up this morning and was bleeding. Not heavily, but definitely more than spotting.
Called the doctor, called the husband etc etc.
I go tomorrow at 11am for an ultrasound to confirm this is it. From there, we'll probably arrange for the D&C and testing.

It sucks. From minute to minute, I'm numb or crying. I came to work anyway. I think the distraction is probably good. If I start cramping or just can't handle it, I'll leave. But for now, I've got something to focus on.


Monday, July 23, 2007

I surrender

I just came to share THIS.
(Give the page a minute to load and then click "watch now")

A friend of mine (I swear she's an angel) found the song I was talking about!

Consider yourself warned, this is a hymn. It is religious.

You have to sit through a Lowe's commercial and then more than 4 minutes of Oprah talking, explaining why it's HER favorite hymn, but then Faith sings it. (For the record, once the actual video loads, if you drag the bar up to about 4 minutes, you can skip the talking.)
Suffice it to say that I just listened to it multiple times, made my husband come listen and it's playing again as I type.

I hope you enjoy it half as much as I did.


P.S. If anyone knows how I can save even just the audio to my computer, I'd be your best friend forever. I'd gladly BUY the recording, but I don't believe it exists for purchase. Faith Hill needs to put out a gospel record, plain and simple.

life & death

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days.
To be honest, I just haven't had much to say. Or, at least, everything I have to say is so mixed up & twisted, that it's hard to really write down.

It's been a very long & trying week. On top of the crap you already know about, I lost a friend to breast cancer this week. Her funeral was today. She was 44 and had 3 teenage sons. One of them spoke at the funeral. (Yeah, that was the moment I really lost it.) She was very full of life. Even at the funeral, surrounded by her family & friends, I expected to hear her cackle float up above the noise of the crowd. Her minister talked about how he never heard her complain. And you know, it's true. She didn't. Chemo, mastectomy, hysterectomy, bald head, puking, infection in the implants, more chemo, another bald head, and ultimately- death. The harshest thing I ever heard her say?

"I always wanted a boob job. Careful what you wish for."

I admire it. And I see a lesson in it. She accepted what she was handed. That doesn't mean she didn't fight with all her might, but she dealt with the licks as they came. And that's what I'm trying to do. Take my licks as they come. Do the best I can to get through this life. If I'm lucky, I'll die in the arms of my husband as she did a few days ago. (They weren't actually married, but had been together many, many years. He's as much a husband to her and any married couple I know.)

I'm not perfect. I'm still obsessing over symptoms. I've had some moments of incredible breast pain. Even leaked a drop of colustrum yesterday. Well, "leaked" isn't really the right word. My nipples were looking weird, so I was poking around at them in fascination. (Look, do you want me to start peeing on sticks again?)Gave 'em a squeeze and there it was. That was weird in a totally cool "holy shit, I'm pregnant" kind of way.

I even had what I believe to be a real dose of morning sickness today. I'd gone shopping with the husband for some new work clothes (Did I tell you all he got a job? He did! A real job! Starts in the morning.) and I think I got a little too warm. He started talking and the more he talked, the worse I felt. I was nicely asking him to be quiet but he wasn't taking me seriously. Finally I said "Look, I know this sounds weird, but I really need you to be quiet. I'm not feeling very well and the more you talk the more I want to vomit." About that time we got out of the car at our next stop and I had a few dry heaves. The nausea lasted off and on for the rest of the day. I've never been happier to be sick in my life. (David took it well, though he did look a little freaked out. Every time I display any symptom, though, he says "But that's a good sign, right?" so I think he can handle being told to shut up, since he's enjoying my misery so much.)

But overall, I'm really trying to surrender it to God. We tried a new church this morning (We're church shopping.) and I told myself that if they sang my favorite hymn, I'd know it was the church for me. Sure enough, there it was. "I surrender all."

At the height of the angst of infertility, several months ago, I happened to see an "Oprah: After The Show" with Faith Hill. She was taking requests and Oprah requested it. I bawled & bawled & bawled. Unfortunately I haven't been able to find a recording of it anywhere. (The Faith Hill version. There are some others out there that I just don't like as much.) I left the episode on the TiVo a long time and listened to it a lot. I wish now that I'd saved it permanently but I think that was one of those that I let the TiVo get too full and it got deleted. Anyway, I digress.

I'm trying to surrender it to God. Whatever path He has lined out for me, I'm on it. Worrying will change nothing. And I'll be honest, I'm doing okay.

I feel hopeful. Talk about scary words. I do, though. I feel hopeful. I'm not stout in the belief that the baby is going to live. I'm far too realistic for that. But I have caught myself thinking about names, considering breast-feeding and daycare and all sort of things that people who are expecting a baby would do.

Of course, on the other hand, I went to Hallmark yesterday and walked past the display of baby stuff - picture frames & super-soft stuffed animals, and little stork figurines with pink or blue bundles. And I started to cry. Right there in the store, immediately. I bawled. I wrote to a friend later that it's crazy. I'm pregnant, but not expecting a baby. This shit sucks.

But it passed and yesterday afternoon I was trying to decide if I think it's a girl or a boy. (I had a dream that it was a boy the other night. However, the same dream including me breastfeeding my cat, so take that as you will.)

But.. life goes on. I'm trying not to complain, trying not to fight whatever will happen. Just be open to it. I'll fight like hell in the fight I can. But the rest, I'm just along for the ride. Just as my friend taught me.. all the way to the end.

Rest in peace Deb. I'll miss you.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007


Back from my ultrasound.
The short version is that the baby isn't dead yet.
It has a heart that is beating. It is, for lack of a better explanation, way small.
I'm 6w today. The Sac measured 4.4w, the embryo itself 5.1w. The ultrasound tech (forgive me, I don't remember her name, though she did introduce herself quite nicely.) was really great. I've experienced the silent hoo-ha probe and don't really appreciate it. She was chatty without being perky, which is my kinda gal.

I told her upfront, "I'm nosy." She laughed and said that nosy isn't the right word. We'd go with curious and she'd be sure to show me everything, which she did. Bless her.

She was honestly surprised to see anything. She'd looked at my chart and saw that my last beta was 440. She was expecting to see nothing. She found the pregnancy right away. Hell, *I* saw the pregnancy right away. The dildo-cam went in and I saw the black spot go by.
She saw the sac & the yolk sac. She pointed out that no matter what, at least we know we don't have an ectopic, which I wasn't particularly concerned about, but it was in the back of my mind, particularly with the non-doubling beta.

Then she dug a little deeper. I could see the movement on the screen but I kept thinking it had to be something else. She said "do you see the pulsing?" and I said, "yes.. is that.." And she finished "the heart." And then I cried.

The crying was both joy & sorrow. I know this probably sounds awful, but I didn't want to see the heart. This is EXACTLY what happened last time. First a heart. Then total stillness. That stillness.... well.... it's hard to express. But it's not just a stillness on the screen. It's a stillness everywhere.

I know some people don't think of a miscarriage as a death, but in that moment, it sure felt like one. Where there once was life, there suddenly was none. And that was the hardest thing. To see it begin & end.

With my beta being so incredibly low this time I thought maybe we'd "just" have a blighted ovum. Not that a blighted ovum doesn't suck complete ass, but to think that it stopped before it ever got started.. well, it's easier for me to talk myself out of "life." It's a little hard to deny a beating heart, you know?

Anyway, we finished up with the u/s tech in a very short amount of time and then went to my R.E.'s office. She showed me the stills taken during the u/s, and the report. That's where I got the 4.4w & the 5.1w measurements. She did stress that because it's so small, it's hard to get an accurate measurement, so both of those numbers could be off a little. But they're clearly not at 6w.

The only way I can really explain her demeanor was "so-so." Which works out nicely since she handicapped the pregnancy viability at 50/50.

We talked briefly about my first pregnancy and how we're pretty much mirroring it. She looked at my file to see what we did different this time from last. (Metformin) That was sort of comforting to me because I can see that she's ready to try something else next time. You know my theory. If we're not moving foreward, we're moving backward.

I asked a lot of questions based on the assumption that I'll miscarry. She'd didn't argue with me or tell me to think positive. Perhaps some people might think she should have, but I appreciated it. She said something about the pregnancy that sounded almost positive but added "I don't want to get your hopes up." I informed her that was not really a concern, that I'm a bit more of a realist.

So, the plan is to have another ultrasound in 2 weeks. We could have done it next week, but that's iffy enough no matter what we see, plus she is out of town next week, anyway. I said I'd wait the 2 weeks. At that point, we reassess. Working on the assumption that in 2 weeks the heart has stopped, she agreed to everything I hoped for. I'd have a D&C that same week and send the tissue off for assessment. And we'd start the RPL panel. I didn't even have to ask about the RPL panel, which was nice.

I asked what to do if I were to start to bleed before any of this and she said to call the office and if I pass any tissue, save it & bring it in for testing. So I'll get my tests no matter what. That's about as much as I can ask for. I'm an information addict with a doctor willing to keep me supplied.

As for how we're doing emotionally - we're okay. Sad, of course. There's not a lot of hope in the house, but we're okay. I think we've both set into goal mode. It's not even about this pregnancy at this point. It's about what we can learn from it, what we can do to never do this again.

David noted on the way home that while this completely sucks, we were not supposed to get this far in the first place and now we've done it twice. So that's something.

So. I'm still pregnant. And the baby isn't dead yet. It's truly in God's hands at this point.


Monday, July 16, 2007

Bad news.

15 dpo: 58
19 dpo: 220 Doubling time: 48.35 hours
23 dpo: 447 Doubling time: 164.26 hours

Obviously not a good result. The office is supposed to callback to schedule an ultrasound to confirm. I honestly feel numb at this point. The only real clear thought I have is WHY? and there are no answers to that, I know.

Thanks for all the good thoughts & prayers. Maybe next time.


Saturday, July 14, 2007

No news

Just a short note to say that I was correct and there will be no test results until Monday.
I asked the lady at Quest if there was anything she could do to get it done same-day. She told me no.
I called Good Nurse Crystal at 1:30 like she wanted anyway. She called me back about 3 and wasn't a happy camper. She had already called to see if she could track it down with no success.
I told her what the lady from Quest said and Crystal very obviously stopped herself from saying "BULLSHIT!" She said she was looking at bloodwork results from another patient that were drawn the same morning.
It's okay, though. After I had my melt down, I got to the "it really DOESN'T matter" stage in my mind. The only real answer they'd give me is if they are going down. Which, based on how incredibly freakin' bad my boobs hurt yesterday I seriously doubt. And up, even at a not-so-great rate doesn't really mean anything.
They could be going uppish, and that's probably bad. But maybe not. Or they could be going up-up-up and that would be nice, but again, they've already doubled, that's no more information than we have now.
The better information will come from an ultrasound. Which still isn't 100%. It's in God's hands.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

My mantra.


Friday, July 13, 2007

2am freak out

It's 2am. I have to be up by 7:30 for the next beta. I was doing fairly well until about an hour ago. I've been very tired and was tonight as well. Now anxiety has set in.

My boobs stopped hurting. This happens every day, but it's so close to a test that I'm extra sensitive.

I've found that my boobs hurt like hell when in a bra. An hour or so after I take it off, they barely hurt at all. It could mean something. It could mean nothing. Much like everything at this point.

Anyway, an hour ago, the nerves really set in. Honestly today I was toying with the idea of not getting the beta. Now, it's laughable, really, because you've probably gathered by now that I'm an information addict. No way I'd turn down more information. The more something scares me, the more I have to know about it. So you can imagine that I must KNOW EVERYTHING about this pregnancy. But really, logically, the number today means nothing. The numbers doubled. So what if they do again? It doesn't mean this baby will live. If it doesn't? Doesn't mean it won't. It's a hint. Not an answer.

I think the only reason that doctor even ordered it is to tell if it's going to be high enough to see anything on an ultrasound. Of course, it could be lower or about the same and we'll know it's over, but my body is rarely that cooperative. Apparently I don't do "answers" well. I'm almost certain that it will double and that it will mean nothing.

I have so much swirling in my brain that I don't know that I can make any sense.

I'm so scared to lose this baby. I love it so much yet refuse to acknowledge its existence. David said "I hope the baby gets your eyes." I said "I hope this baby lives." I'm a treasure to be around, I know. I just can't think about the color of its eyes. I just want it to HAVE eyes. I can't talk about names. Or look at quilts. Or consider how we might rearrange the house for a nursery.

At this point in my last pregnancy, I had the baby's room half designed. What a naive twit I was. I won't be that twit again. Maybe if we can get to 8 weeks with a heartbeat. Maybe. But I try hard not to think about that.

I promised myself after the last miscarriage that "next time" I wouldn't think about the future. One step at a time. The first beta. The 2nd. The ultrasound. The 2nd ultrasound. What's so incredibly fucking funny is how that itself was looking to the future. It assumed we'd have a 2nd beta. Or an ultrasound.

Oh, and the other funny thing about last time? I talked about how awful limbo is and how I just didn't want to go through that again. I didn't want all this early stuff, cause limbo is the worst. Yet here I am. Again. Limbo.

Oh, and you know what I DO think about? "Well, after we lose this one, maybe next time we'll try injectibles. It's probably egg quality, so maybe that will help. Two or three rounds of injectibles, then maybe IVF. If I can get pregnant with IUI, I can get pregnant with IVF. Maybe if they put a few embryos in, at least one will live. Yes, I think that's a good plan. That means I'll have to keep this annoying HMO through another year, but that's okay..." because plans past the baby dying.. THAT I can handle.

The actual process of miscarriage. Can't think about that. I can't handle it. Yes, I know I *WILL* handle it, but I can't think about it. I can't even process that I'm very likely losing 2 babies this year. And just think, there's still time to get pregnant and lose another.

Yes, I know you're all hopeful. The beta doubled. I know. That's good. But you know what? It doubled last time. It doubled faster last time. And I still had a dead baby. It could quadruple tomorrow. Wouldn't matter. It's still really fucking low.

I've googled every person who has ever had a low beta. Yeah. Low. 85. 90. And some worse than mine. 15. 20. These are all at 15dpo, btw. No one with a beta lower than mine had a live baby. Not a single one.

At there were 2636 women reporting successful pregnancies with info at 15dpo. (Successful means they saw a beating heart. My last pregnancy is on there, for the record. I saw a heartbeat. So much for that.) Out of those 2636, there are 181 in the same range as mine. One hundred eight one. That's less than 7%. Yeah. You can see me jumping for joy, yes?

I know I sound angry. I am angry. This fucking sucks. I'm scared. And this isn't fair. We have fought too hard to get pregnant to lose 2 of them. And I know there are people who have had it worse. 3 miscarriages, 5 miscarriages, 12. It's not fair. To any of us. But right now I'm feeling sorry for ME. I'm angry for ME.

I hate this. I'm scared and this sucks. And David is so hopeful. And he's told me a dozen times how much he loves our little embryo. And he looks so sweet when he says it, and holds up his fingers to indicate how tiny it is. And all I want to do is scream at him NOT to love it yet because I can't handle hurting him again when it's over.

But I love him so much because he does. And because he'll weather anything for us to have a baby. I just don't know how much more I can weather.

Okay.. I'm calming down. I think I needed to get that out.

I have to be up soon. The idea is that I'm supposed to go in very early for the bloodwork and then if I haven't heard anything by 1:30, I'm to call Good Nurse Crystal and have her track down the results. Even though they're meaningless.

I'll post if/when I know anything. With my track record, I really don't expect results until Monday, though. I'm sure Crystal won't let me down, but I also know with my luck that they'll tell her the tests aren't done yet.

BTW, temp has been pretty high the last few mornings. And my left side hurts. Either my corpus luteum has kicked into high gear or I'm having an ectopic. I'm not doubled over in pain yet, so I'm voting for corpus luteum. I am curious to see about my progesterone. Not because it means anything important but because I am, indeed, an information addict.

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate everyone being hopeful for me. I'm just not strong enough to feel it for myself. You hope for me. I'll hope for you.

-- Trish

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Beta 2 is back.

15dpo: 58
19dpo: 220
Doubling time 48.35 hours

Not great. Not horrible.

Temp is even lower this morning. About .3 over coverline.

I repeat on Friday, and they'll do a progesterone check as well. I'm not really expecting the greatest results. We'll see.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Beta 2 drawn

I got up early and was at Quest before 8am. They were fairly busy, but I was still out of there by 8:15.

I was hoping that if I got in early enough, we could get the results today.

When I hadn't heard anything by 3:30, I left a message at the R.E.'s office.

Good Nurse Crystal called me back about 4:30. She didn't have any results. She inquired what time I'd have the draw and was surprised that it hadn't come yet. As I'm probably the unluckiest person on the planet, I wasn't, but I certainly was frustrated.
She was very apologetic and said if it wasn't waiting for her when she got into the office in the morning, she'd call Quest and track it down. And call me right away.

I also discussed testing my progesterone because my temps have been a little lower than I'd like the last two days.

Coverline ~ 97.4 (or lower)
Post-O ~ 97.7/8
1st pregnancy ~ 98.2

This pregnancy I've hovered around 98 a few days, but been down to about 98.8/9 the last few days. Crystal's take was that if my progesterone is failing, it's probably a sign that the pregnancy is, too. But she did agree to test it with my next beta.

Now if we could just get the results of this one.

As for symptoms, I'm still having intermittent breast pain. The left one hurts worse than the right. Does/did anyone else have this? I also almost puked on the restaurant table at dinner with David last night. He got a pulled pork sandwich and something about the smell of the barbecue sauce almost got me. The gagging came over me without warning. David looked stunned and asked if I was okay. I took a few moments to breathe slowly and gag a little more and it finally passed.

Other than that, I've got nothing. I don't feel bloated like last time. I'm not peeing a lot. I'm tired, but not exceptionally. I know it's early yet and every pregnancy is different, but I can't help but compare it to last time.

So. We'll see. Think of me in the morning. I'm going to go back to mentally pacing.

Saturday, July 7, 2007


I have no idea if this pregnancy is okay or not.

I know you're thinking that we've already established that. Low beta. Repeat on Monday. We'll know more then.

But see, the thing is.. I'm EMBARRASSED that I don't "know." I'm SUPPOSED to "know." I'm a woman. I'm in tune with my body. I can tell you when I'm ovulating without thermometers. Hell, I'm more reliable than those damned OPKs. Let's not forget about all the stories of women who "just knew" the moment they were pregnant. Even on a miscarriage board I'm part of, there was a post recently inquiring who "just knew" something was wrong. I'm intuitive. I'm supposed to "know."

I know it's not entirely rational. No one knows if the baby is okay except for God. Not my husband, not the doctor, not the pyschic tarot card reader down the street. But there's a growing life INSIDE OF ME. And I don't know.

Last pregnancy I was worried almost immediately. I went from positive pregnancy test to jumping up and down in 5 minutes. Ten minutes later I was on the couch sitting in complete silence thinking Oh shit. Now what? And it only got worse from there. Was this because I "knew" something was wrong? Or because I worry about every.fucking.thing? Didn't matter. I was right. I'd have loved to be wrong, but there was a little part of me that thought well, I knew that. Because, you know, I'm an intuitive woman who "just knows" things.

So when I didn't instantly feel sick with worry upon seeing my positive pee sticks I felt good. I'm not scared like I was last time. That means things are better. I feel good. I "know" things are good.

And I still feel that way. About twice an hour for 15 minutes. The other 30 minutes, I'm convinced it's gone. One minute my boobs hurt. The next they don't. Did I just gag? No. I feel fine. Gosh I'm tired. Well, I haven't slept in a week. But I still don't feel sick with worry. Even during the half hour that I'm convinced it's over. I don't feel like I "just know" something is wrong.

I don't think it helps that I keep hearing my mother in law's words in my head.

The conversation went a little like this:

Me: ... you future grandchild (long convuluted way in which we got to "we're pregnant.")
MIL: Are you serious?
Me: *giggle* Yep. Just found out a half hour ago.
MIL: *long pause* Well, are you to the point.. where.. you know...... that that baby is...okay...
Me: *shocked* *looks at David hoping he has a response to this- no luck* No. There's really no way to know that.
MIL: Well, yeah, I know, but how do you feel?
Me: I feel fine.
MIL: Do your boobs hurt?
Me: Yeah, a little, but overall, I feel fine..
MIL: No cramping or pain or anything?
Me: No. I feel fine.
MIL: Well, YAY, I'm so excited!

So you see, EVERYONE thinks I should "know." (And it's all about the boob pain.)

Of course, my MIL comes from a time when you didn't know you were pregnant for a good long time. You had to miss 2 periods and kill a rabbit for confirmation. She remembers both her pregnancies being all about breast pain. For all I know, she was 8 weeks pregnant when she was feeling all the achy boobiness. Things were different then. She didn't know the joys of stick-peeing & line analyzing. Or betas & doubling times.

She comes from a different generation. But "just knowing" isn't exclusive to her. Last pregnancy I saw a pyschic after my first bad ultrasound. I was told I'd get good news in 3 days. And you know what? I did. Three days later, we had a heartbeat. A week after that, it was gone. Funny, she didn't "know" that part. Of course, she also told me she saw three pregnancies. So far, she's 2/3 right.

I try to make it my policy that when things shame me, I share them. Secrets are poison. They're almost never as scary as you think they are. When you say them outloud, they lose power. The world doesn't end, and you realize that it wasn't as bad as you feared.

So I'm saying it.
I'm not intuitive. I'm not psychic. I am a woman who doesn't "just know." I have no idea if this baby is okay.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Beta low.


I repeat on Monday.

Good chance I'm going to lose another one.

Not much I can say.


Thursday, July 5, 2007

Beta 1 drawn

First of all, a big thank you for all the congratulations & well wishes. It really meant (and continues to mean) a lot to me.

It was a hectic morning.
I had really rough night of mostly non-sleep and really terrible throat pain. I was too afraid to take much more Tylenol because I'd been taking it like candy for a few days and now I know I'm medicating for two.

I finally broke down and took 2 more because it was that or go to the emergency room. It was that bad.

I thought my R.E.'s office opened at 8, so I got up at 10 til to call. Yeah, turns out they start answering phones at 8:30. I know they're in at 7:30 for inseminations, so you can imagine how annoyed I was. I barely managed to keep from pacing while waiting for the clock to strike 8:30.

At 8:35 (yeah, they were a little late turning those phones on, I got the "We're closed" message twice after 8:30 until I finally got through.) I left a voicemail for my doctor's secretary that essentially said I'm pregnant and in intense pain. What do I do? And YAY!

When they hadn't had called me back in about 10 minutes (patience was running short) I called my PCP. I wasn't sure they'd even deal with me because I know some PCPs prefer you go through your OB for everything while pregnant. I got lucky and got a sympathetic nurse. She told me I didn't have to see the doctor, I could just come in for a throat swab and go from there.

I didn't even shower. Threw some clothes on, shook David and said I was leaving and was gone. I got in and she did the strep swab. She said if it was negative she'd have me see the doc. Turns out I'm not just positive for pregnancy this week. Yep. Strep throat. I'm sure you can tell I'm thrilled. But at least it meant there was hope of something to help me. If one more person told me maybe it was just hormones, I was going to lose my mind. I felt like I swallowed glass, it wasn't a case of dry sinuses.

Anyway, she asked me what pharmacy and said it'd be there when I got there. Tylenol and fluids and amoxicillin. So I went straight to the pharmacy.

On my way, I called my dad. David and I had tried to call him last night but couldn't get through. My dad's response was very dad-like. Speechless, happy, then worried. His biggest concern is when David is going to get a job. After I finished lecturing him about non-traditional families and relaxing, we were good again.

I love my dad, but the constant questions about job interviews wear on me. I make a wage that is able to support us and David takes very good care of both the house & me. If he were the bread-winner & I a stay-at-home-wife, no one would even blink twice. The double standard annoys me. Plus I know how much it bothers David that he's still unemployed and don't feel like it's anyone else's business but mine. /digress.

Got to the pharmacy and they looked at me like I was two-headed. Turns out the nurse had left it on the voicemail, but they hadn't checked it. I copped a squat in the waiting area because they'd have had to pepper-spray me to get me to leave w/o drugs.

I left for home and idly thought how it was a good thing I hadn't waited for the R.E's office to call. About 3 minutes later, my cell rang. It was the secretary wondering why I hadn't called back. Turns out she hadn't gotten my 2nd voicemail telling her to call my cell. She told me that I had orders waiting at Quest for a beta and gave me the plan. She was very nice, as always. I can imagine that working at a fertility clinic, this is probably the best part. I know how I'd be in her shoes.

Anyway, the plan is: Beta today, Beta next Thursday, first "OB" appointment with my R.E. the following week. She wasn't sure when they'd do my first ultrasound. Maybe the same week as my OB appointment (6w) but maybe the following. (At the time I was hoping for 6w, but honestly, I think I'd rather go with 7w when I know we'll be able to see something. My first pregnancy, my first ultrasound was at 6w. I was measuring 5w & had no heartbeat, but because it was at that in between time it was hard to say how things would go. A week later, we had a heartbeat, and a week after that it was gone. I'd rather skip limbo if I can.) She told me that if I got in quickly enough we *MIGHT* get a result today but it was late enough that it would probably be tomorrow.

I was only a few blocks from home, so I stopped in and got a drink to take my antibiotic. Then headed back to Quest. Which is, of course, only a few blocks from the pharmacy I had just left.

The lady at Quest got my blood in one poke, though it was from my hand and was pumping VERY SLOWLY. I don't know what the deal was. Fortunately it doesn't seem to have bruised. I still have the bruise from 2 weeks ago and the bruise from last week. I commented to the technician that I was starting to look like a heroine addict and when she turned my arm over to look she actually agreed with me.

So, then I headed home, took a quick shower & layed down for an hour before work.

I know you're thinking "Why are you going to work? You have strep throat!" but just let the short version be that the attendance policy at my job is very strict & very complicated and it just wasn't worth it. I came in, told my boss I could barely speak and she gave me the day off of the phones. Only with the understanding that this isn't a pattern. Which I found interesting seeing as how I've been there 6 1/2 years and have never made such a request before. But okee dokee. She's normally pretty cool, so I didn't tried not to be too offended.

I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I can talk w/o gagging. I can swallow w/o grimacing. I might try to master eating w/o crying later.

I didn't get my beta back today, as I suspected. So.. tomorrow it is. I've actually had a few stretchy/painy feelings today. I'm convinced this is my extremely retroverted uterus inflating forward. Or it could be gas.

Oh yeah, and my boobs hurt but good today. I now wonder if they didn't hurt this bad for a few days now but I was taking so much Tylenol that I didn't realize it. Either way, I'm taking both as a good sign. Along with the incredible gag reflex I've had. Some of that is the strep throat, I'm sure. But when I poured my leftover pee out last night after the 2nd test, THAT made me gag. And we all know that I'm POAS-aholic. No way a little pee should gross me out. So I'm going with positive signs for strong pregnancy.

Speaking of POAS-aholic. A picture for posterity:

For the true pee-stick connoisseur, this photo was taken about 2 hours after the First Response was taken, so it is a little bit darker than it was at the actual test-check time.

On to the emotional front. I'm okay. I mean, I'm actually okay. I am worried, of course. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. There's a little voice that says what if the tests are wrong. What if it's the trigger shot magically showing up now (even though I had a negative test at both 8dpo & 12dpo) and of course, the inevitable worries about the baby being okay. But I'm not sick with worry. Which, honestly, last time, I was almost immediately. Last time I was worried and had to remind myself to be positive.

This time I feel positive and am reminding myself to be a little worried. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. I do think there are signs that this is a stronger pregnancy than the last one, but I also think I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. We've already lived through hell. We'll be okay no matter what.

I haven't done some of the fool-hardy things that I did last time. Like sign up for baby-center & Huggies & tell my coworkers. (Yeah, I STILL am getting Huggies emails from my first pregnancy. There's no opt-out in them. Fuckers.) But my online support systems all know. And all my fellow barren bitches. My MIL and my dad know. So if the beta inexplicably comes back negative tomorrow, I still have a lot of untelling to do. But it's not like I haven't had to do worse before. I'll survive.

So please, keep praying for us. I'm not sure I'll really be breathing all the way until the baby is born, and then a whole new set of worries will set in. I could use the good mojo.

And thank all of you again. A "congratulations" is always nice, but particularly coming from one infertile to another.. it moves me.


Wednesday, July 4, 2007


*removes foot from mouth*


That's right. Pregnant.
I'm sitting here typing with eyes wide. I'm still in shock.

I generally start spotting about 13dpo. Today is 14. There was nothing yesterday, but I wasn't overly concerned. Today I kept going to the bathroom and checking. And nothing. And nothing. And nothing.

We had friends over for some barbecue and then went down to my work to watch the fireworks. I work in the ghetto, but the ghetto has a great view of the Arch. Except when the entire city has been blowing things up all day and there is smoke everywhere. So it wasn't that great, but okayish.

Got home. Still not period. I had one test left. I thought WTF and went for it. Now, the last time I was pregnant, the digital came up seriously in a matter of seconds. This one took a long time.

I had actually opened up my blog to start to tell everyone that it was, indeed, negative and question where the fuck AF was.

Then I looked back over and it said Pregnant.

I hadn't even told David I was testing. I prefer to keep my obsessions to myself. (and you guys)

I went skipping up the front of the house and asked David if he'd like to have a baby with his wife.

He said "of course."

I said, "well, that's pretty good, since I'M PREGNANT."

I shoved the stick at him and he looked, jumped up and hugged me.

Of course, I was still in that not-quite-belief stage. David was certain it was true, but I thought that maybe we should go to Walgreens and get more tests. He's a good husband and indulged me.

I got a First Response/Early Result. It agreed with the digital.

So here I am.

It took a good 45 minutes to hit complete panic.

Called my MIL. Her first response wasn't to say congratulations. It was to ask if I was far enough along to know the baby would be okay. Way to calm my fears. Couldn't reach my dad.
Won't tell anyone else for a while.

For any of you prayers out there, please pray for good betas, strong heartbeats & healthy babies. I'm going to go back to breathing in a bag now.


Tuesday, July 3, 2007


Everyone in the world is pregnant except for me.
No. I'm serious. You think you're not pregnant? Just you wait. You are. And you'll tell me in a day or two. Yep. Cause everyone is pregnant but me.

I'm sick and I'm whiney. I woke up for work yesterday and felt like shit. My first waking thought was "Ow. My throat. WTF?" My second thought was "Oh! THAT'S why my temp was high."

By last night it had progressed to hot flashes/cold chills, light-headedness, nausea and the most god-awful headache ever. Of course, since my period hasn't started yet, I'm still only taking Tylenol. Even a negative pregnancy test can't make me give up hope. *insert eye roll at myself here*

Still feel like shit today. The swirly sick feeling has mostly gone, but my throat still feels like sandpaper. And I'm just a little stuffy. I'm fairly certain it's the stuffy/sinusy stuff irritating my throat. This shit can end any time now. If I'm going to be sick, it damn well needs to be morning sickness.

That's all for me. You can all go back to your being pregnant without me now.


Monday, July 2, 2007


Note of importance to all infertiles:

If trying to distract yourself from anything baby or fertility related, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT! Go to the zoo on a not-blistering-hot, not-raining July afternoon.

Yep. Seemed like a good idea. Do you have any idea how many adorable children are at the zoo on an almost perfect weather Sunday? Somewhere around a billion. One particular little boy was walking in front of me and kept turning around to wave. Blonde hair, blue eyes, chubby cheeks. Yep. I could have claimed him as my own and no one would have been the wiser.

Then as we're walking towards the great ape exhibit, my husband broke my heart. "Just think, one day we'll bring our little munchkins here and tell them all about how they can't bring one home." I took a deep breath, reminded yet again how much I love him and responded, "But DAAAAAADDDDDYYYY, I want a POoooooooooonnnyyyyy." He chuckled and we went on. Just like we believed that might really happen. How perfectly normal of us.

I found myself looking around at all the people wandering around with their kids and wondering if they knew how lucky they are. I then tried to remind myself that perhaps they, too, had trouble conceiving. Perhaps the father holding the hand of the little boy who could have been mine has no sperm. The little bundle of excitement at his knees might have been conceived in a petri dish somewhere. That made me feel a little bit better.

I'm at 11dpo. (Once again, I'm blogging in the middle of the night. It's about 4am here, so I'm technically at 12dpo, but it's still Sunday to me.) The POAS-aholic on me wants to test. The cynic in me asks why I'd bother wasting a 10 dollar stick. Just wait and see if I'm late, which I won't be, and then I'll be happy I didn't waste the stick.

I've bargained with myself that if my temp is somewhere in the neighborhood of 98 in the morning, I'll test. Of course, it started that if it was above 98. Then if it was 98 or above. Then well, if it's like 97.9. Now I'm down to somewhere in the neighborhood. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

My temp was above 98 yesterday and I got all excited for a minute. Got up and plugged it into Ovusoft right away and went back to obsess over my previous charts- both negative and my one positive. Turns out I almost always have a mild spike about 10dpo. It wasn't newsworthy after all. And it was back down to just a normal post-O temp today. Though I did wake up with the covers half kicked off, so who knows. (More rationalizing.)

It's exhausting arguing with myself all the time. Does anyone else feel this way? Any given minute goes something like this:

Was that a twinge?
Oh. Wait. Gas.
My boobs are a little tender.
Stop Trish, your boobs always hurt.
Yeah, but they really hurt.
Yeah, shithead, you're on fertility meds. Of course they hurt. They hurt when you weren't pumping yourself full of drugs.
Oh wait, that's a cramp. Definitely a cramp.
Maybe it's gas.
Hmm. Doesn't seem to be gas.
You probably slept weird and pulled a muscle. Besides, you had cramps last month and it was pointless.
I sure am crabby. I was awfully crabby last time I was pregnant.
SHUT UP, TRISH. Jesus. Just wait for your period and if it doesn't show, take the damned test. Obsessing is getting you nowhere. STOP IT.
*praying*Dear God, please help me accept whatever is to be. Amen.
I feel totally fine. I'm NOT pregnant.
But you know, if I was pregnant, I think this time I'll tell David in some fancy way. And no one else. Well, except K. And L, of course. And the bloggers. Oh yeah, and B. But no one else. And the girls next to me at work cause they'll hear me on the phone. And my boss, cause I might need time off. But that's it.
But I'm totally fine. NOT pregnant. And it's okay.
This sucks.
Man, I'm tired.
Tired? Tired is a pregnancy symptom.
Yeah. It's also a symptom of never being able to stop TALKING TO YOURSELF.

It's constant. I really don't know how to shut it off. Perhaps I need to meditate. Yoga? A good punch to the head? I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.

And now I'm off to bed. Cause I'm tried. Which may or may not be a pregnancy symptom.


*******Updated at 8:30am**********
Temp was high. 98.12
Got up to test. Another wasted 10 dollar stick. Totally negative. Not as upset as I thought I'd be. Not sure if that's cause I'm in denial, too asleep to let it sink in, or just so used to it that I don't notice anymore.

Oh. And BTW, in case you wonder, I didn't drink anything or pee for several hours before I went to bed. The pee was definitely strong enough.