Monday, July 25, 2011

19w4d: Anxiety

Today has been a rough day. I started the day with a headache that just wouldn't quit. Around lunch time it got significantly worse, so I took my BP. it was consistently around 150/90. I panicked.

I told myself to calm down that I didn't feel great, it was just one point in time, pre-e at 19 weeks isn't impossible, but it's really rare, I'm not swollen etc. My stomach churned in knots anyway.

I had to go to work, so I decided to check it again in an hour and if it was still high, I'd call the doctor and ask to be seen. Then I spent the next hour imagining the worst in my head.

I got to work and checked it again. Around 135/85. Pretty normal for me, at least pre-pregnancy (it's actually been lower since being pregnant, though.) I felt a little better.

Waited another hour, checked it again. 122/77. Yeah, probably going to be just fine.

Of course, my stomach was still in knots. My hands were still shaking. Then I started to convince myself that the stomach ache was epigastric pain. I ate tums and eventually took a zantac and finally started to feel better. Continued to monitor my BP and it's consistently been low 120s/low-mid 70s.

I hate what pre-e does to me. I feel like I've had a pretty good reign on anxiety, but then something happens, and I'm off the deep end. I was 100% aware of the fact that this was Anxiety Disorder Freak Out and not to be taken seriously, but I was powerless to stop it.

I still feel shaken up tonight. Nineteen weeks (and 4 days!) is way too far from viability. 24 weeks isn't far enough either, but I know that at this point, there is literally nothing to be done. And the images in my head were far too real. Sometimes an active imagination is overrated.

My next appointment is Friday. I'll be having my anatomy scan and seeing one of the peris. (One I actually haven't met yet.) I guess we'll see how things go then. If I can stay sane long enough.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Still pregnant. Still okay, as far as I know.
Yesterday was sort of an unofficial halfway point. Since I won't be allowed to go past 37 weeks, I'm halfway to that point. THAT is weird.

I think I'm actually bigger now than I was when I delivered Robbie, even though I've still only gained 3 pounds, putting me a solid 25 below what I was when I had him. I'm in maternity clothes essentially full time. Considering I never wore them at all with Robbie, it's weird. It's sort of a love/hate thing. It's nice to not feel split in half by day's end, but I also constantly feel like they're up too far or falling down. I also can't seem to pull them up properly w/o pulling my underwear up too far. (I know you're glad I'm shared.)
Today seemed to be a day when several people made comments about the pregnancy while giving my belly the eye. A coworker actually said "Trish, the belly!?" in a sort of "where did THAT come from?" kind of way.

Movement has been hit and miss. I'll go all day feeling nothing, then feel a lot of turning (I assume) and lighter movements for a while. The long stretches make me nervous already. Actually, my anxiety level seems to have ratcheted up quite a bit in the last week.

On top of the "oh shit, my side hurts, what if it's my liver?" random freak outs, the more "normal" worries have started to set in. How will I manage two kids? What if they hate each other? What if I don't love them the same? How will I ever love someone else as much as I love Robbie? What if David's no more help this time than he was when Robbie was a baby? (We have discussed that last item, but I still worry about it.)

It's still not the overwhelming sense of impending doom type of anxiety I had pretty much my entire pregnancy with Robbie, but I'm definitely noticing myself thinking "the worst" more frequently than I'd like. Been using the Doppler a lot to ease worries about the baby.

Robbie still doesn't seem to get the concept. I've told him there is a baby in my belly several times. Last week I was wearing a nightgown with butterflies on it and he said "no mommy, no baby. Is butterfly!" When I explained that the baby was IN my belly and not ON my belly, he lifted my gown, stared at my stomach for a LONG time, then just looked at me like I'd lost my mind and just shook his head.

My anatomy scan is now set for next Friday. We won't be finding out the sex of the baby again, which seems to disappoint almost everyone. We're happy with the decision, though. I'll just be happy to get a look at all his parts and hopefully everything will be present and accounted for.

I also have to do my first GTT next week. Not exactly looking forward to that, but I'll live. I'll have another at 28 weeks. And another pee jug collection in between at 24 weeks. Essentially at 24 weeks, I become a lab rat. I'll be seen once a week at least. I know it's all worth it, but I'm dreading it, too.

Otherwise, things seem to be good. My pelvis is starting to ache quite a bit. I wish someone could explain that it doesn't need to spread, its services wont be required this time either. The heartburn is kicking my ass, but mostly is manageable with tums. I didn't have it at all with Robbie, so that took me by surprise, but it's normal, so I just go with it. I had an almost constant migraine from 12 weeks to 17, but that seems to have eased, too. Only one last week and 2 this, so hopefully that little hormone surge has passed and I can stop worrying about an impending stroke. My blood pressure cuff has certainly gotten a work out lately.

That's really about it. Things at home are great. Robbie is doing amazingly. He is 3 and sometimes I want to throttle him, but just about the time I'm ready to pull my hair out, he says or does something adorable and I fall in love with him a little more.

David's been great with him. It's so fun watching him with him. Lately their thing has been to go for a walk together in the evenings. Robbie tells him "put shoes on, go fo' a stwoll! (go for a stroll.) and off they go. They couldn't possibly be any cuter together.

All in all, life is pretty good. I know too well that things can change in a flash, so I'm trying very hard to enjoy each day as they come.