Thursday, February 16, 2012


I just realized I haven't posted in nearly 2 weeks. Wow, did time get away from me.

Things have been good, mostly. Anxiety has been minimal. I've had a rough day today, but I managed to screw up my meds on Monday and I think that's what set it off. It hasn't been debilitating, just annoying. I feel really tense and nauseated, but I can at least think straight.

Therapy has been good. Today's session was particularly interesting. We really delved into some stuff that I wasn't expecting, but found it really cathartic. I'm still mulling some of that over, so I'm not really going all into it just yet.

The kids are amazing. Charlotte just keeps growing and growing. She's nearing 11 pounds now. She is making a lot of eye contact, tracking things, smiling more and more. Yesterday I even got her first "laugh." It's more of a "heh!" but it was a laugh. She almost has her hands figured out. She can get them to her mouth, but can't seem to keep them there and can't stick her thumb out to suck just yet. It's actually pretty funny to watch because she gets her fist up there, takes a suck or two and then loses her hand and she lets out this yell of frustration. WHO KEEPS STEALING MY FIST?

She's a really good natured baby. She likes to be held a lot (like, um, all the time) but as long as you're willing to do that, and keep her fed, she's a very happy baby. She's gradually sleeping longer stretches, going as long as 8 hours one night. She's done 6 hours several times, and pretty regularly does 4.5-5 at least once a night. Last night I actually got two 5 hour stretches. She's also doing better sleeping in her bed and not so much in mine. I know a lot of people are very pro-bed-sharing but I am not for a whole variety of reasons. She is right next to me in the rock-n-play so she's close, but separate.

This last weekend I left her with my grandma for a few hours while Robbie and I went out, and she refused a bottle. It had formula in it. I had left pumped milk as well, but was hoping to get her to take formula occasionally letting me bank more breastmilk and to keep her used to getting it. She was not having it. My grandma said she would gag the minute it hit her lips.

David was home, too, and he called and asked when we would be home. We were only a few minutes away, so I just came home and nursed her, otherwise they would have given her the expressed milk. But we need to make sure she's willing to take a bottle because I will be going back to work at some point. So I'm a little stressed about that and have started pumping more to build a stash because I'm afraid I won't have enough and she won't take formula.

Robbie is awesome. He's in the cutest stage right now. Currently he has an imaginary friend named Han. It took me several days to figure out he was saying Han and not hand. Now that I know that, I've learned that Han is a girl, she is brown and apparently she likes to dye her hair because so far it's been red, brown and then green. This morning Han got in trouble for splashing water out of his cup everywhere. Fortunately Robbie is a good friend and cleaned it up for her.

The cutest thing is when he explains things to her. The other day he told her about riding in the car, going shopping, riding in the shopping cart etc. It's so adorable.

He also says the funniest things. He's absolutely enthralled with my nursing, which has lead to some hysterical moments. This weekend I heard him tell his grandma "Baby Charlotte eats mommy's boob. Mommy's boob is weally heavy." How in the world he knows it's heavy, I don't know, but I can't say he's wrong. I'm just waiting for him to make these pronouncements somewhere in public. Probably church or something.

Robbie is now sleeping in a twin bed. He still asks to sleep in the "little bed" sometimes, but he hasn't actually done so in over a week, so I think it's official. We haven't made much progress with potty training. He spent 8 straight days in underwear with no luck. Last weekend he peed in the potty once, but so far it hasn't been repeated.

Honestly, things at home have been good. I mean, I'm still tired. Robbie is still three and is bossy and shrieks a lot. Charlotte still takes anywhere from 1-2 hours to get down at night. But really, things are pretty good. If the last of my anxiety would die, I'd be fantastic. But at least I'm able to enjoy the kids now.

I think the combo of Paxil, therapy and about a hundred home remedies (vitamins, light therapy, etc) is winning. Sometimes I lose a battle, but I feel like I'm winning the war.


Thursday, February 2, 2012


I just realized the sun set without me noticing.

Normally as soon as dusk hits, I close all the blinds and turn on every single light in the house and pretend it's really still sunny.

I just looked up and realized the blinds are all still open and it's pitch black outside. This is progress.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think my neighbors are staring.