Friday, February 29, 2008

13w: NT Scan

Anxiety just about got the better of me. It started in a small dose Tuesday night. Wednesday I kept thinking bad thoughts, but trying to push them out with good ones.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I had trouble falling & staying asleep and was up more than an hour before I needed to be. All the more time to wring my hands. I was convinced it was over. I've had a bit of pinkish-orangy discharge the last 3 nights with NOTHING to blame it on (no internal exam, for example) and I really had honestly worked myself up to a state I haven't felt since about 4w. No amount of prayer or calming breaths seemed to touch it.

The appointment was at 1. I needed to stop to run an errand on the way, so I left early. My errand went quickly and there was no traffic (and the biggest miracle- I didn't get lost!), so I actually arrived about a half hour early.

I went in and said I was a bit early, but I was here. Well, I'm glad I was early. Holy crap, I had a book to fill out of our history.

Post paperwork, the first stop was the genetic counselor. It was long, at least 30 minutes, though it went quickly. She was a pleasant woman who has clearly given this speech about 8 billion times. She made a family tree for David and me keeping track of every disease & cause of death I could think of. The only thing that concerned her was the very pervasive heart attack & stroke history in my family. Interestingly she said that if the worst happened and I lost another baby, they should focus the testing on clotting disorders. She suspects there is a problem in my family.

We had a talk about which lab I wanted to do my work up. Apparently my insurance would cover only Quest, but they only have about an 80% detection rate. The other lab apparently has a patent on some of the technology so it's better, but also exclusive. If I opted to pay out of pocket, I could use that lab with a 95% detection rate. It was $95. I opted to pay.

On my way out of her office, I asked if I needed to have a full bladder. She told me that they preferred I be "a little uncomfortable" and asked how I felt. "A little uncomfortable. I'll live."

Out to the waiting room. My nerves almost got me. I started to get a sick stomach feeling and really wasn't sure I was going to be able to ignore it. Fortunately it's passed.

A short time later, the sonographer came to get me. Now for the scary part. She lead me to the room and had me lay down. I didn't have to get naked. (No dildo cam! I'm calling that a milestone.) I took a deep breath & she put the probe on my belly. Right away I saw what appeared to be movement. Before I could even ask if it was okay, she said "that's an active little baby in there." My blood pressure dropped 20 points.

From there, she stopped and just watched for a moment. The baby was kicking a bit & moving around. Not the jumping bean of last week, but definitely awake & active. She then started looking for and pointing out some anatomy. Everything looked good. We saw the heart, stomach, beginning kidneys, arms, legs, hands, face, skull, placenta, and umbilical cord. She took measurements, all of which correlated pretty darned close to 13w. She pulled up a list of the measurements to show, and they were all 12w6d, 13w or 13w1d. Right on track. Heart rate was 184.

She had some difficulty seeing where the cord attaches to the baby but with some maneuvering got there and it was good. Then she went for the nuchal fold. No luck. She changed to trying to see the the nose bones and had some trouble getting an angle there but finally managed. She complimented it greatly. Apparently particularly in babies with downs syndrome, the bone doesn't calcify as it should, so seeing a good bone is good.

Then back to the nuchal fold. Let it be said that my kid has a mind of its own. She pushed and turned the probe and jiggled my belly. I turned on my side and jiggled some more. I coughed. An hour later- she still couldn't get it. I was begging the kid to cooperate. I was starting to be embarrassed how long I'd been there. And frankly I REALLY had to pee.

Finally she said she wanted me to go to the bathroom. My bladder was getting so large ("What's the big, dark spot on the right?" "Your bladder." "Oh. No wonder it hurts.") that it was actually beginning to obscure her view. I peed and returned. On my side again. More jiggling. More scanning. Finally, she basically put it in slow motion and poked and poked.

After 90 minutes of scanning she finally got it! 1.9. She said it should be less than 2.5. More blood pressure points dropped.

She then took my blood (drops on a paper), I paid my fee and tried to head to work. Because the appointment was scheduled only a week ago, I couldn't get into "my" hospital. So I was at a hospital way on the other side of the city. This was complicated by the fact that the main highway through the city is closed for construction for a couple of years. I had 30 minutes to get to work. With no traffic, I could have made it. But it was 3:30 in the afternoon.

I ended up having to call and take the rest of the day off work. Not the end of the world but I've done so much shifting of my schedule this week that the woman who does our schedules asked if I was going to call her every day. ("Yes." We both laughed.)

I got home only shortly before my husband and gave him the nitty gritty. He's pleased. I'm pleased. There is still plenty to worry about, of course. This spotting is driving me crazy. I asked her today if she could see any reason for it and she said no, that she looked and can't see anything. She asked if it was brown blood or red (red) and she said that old blood will often not show up on the ultrasound, but she probably would see fresh blood. So I'm trying to interpret that to mean the blood isn't coming from my uterus. I'm going to blame my cervix, but nothing has been in there to irritate it so I wish it would get the fuck over itself already.

I do have pictures. They're not the greatest, but I'll try to get one or two up over the weekend.

All in all- a good day. I'm considering coming out at work. We'll see if I talk myself out of that, though. It still makes me nervous to say it out loud. But considering David has pretty much told the entire state of Missouri, I think I'm reaching the limits of small world syndrome not getting me. The only friend of mine who knows is my best friend, the only family member is my dad. If any of the others hear it from someone besides me, I think it would hurt them. So I probably should bite the bullet & go for it. Panic attack be damned.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Can't sleep

Current time: 3:25am.

I went to bed about 2 but finally gave up about 15 minutes ago. My back is killing me. This is not a pregnancy complaint.
Well, okay, it is, but in a totally worth-it way.

It's funny how many times I thought about swelling, sore boobs & a big belly and thought "I can't wait!" I knew that back pain & constipation (and I'm not entirely convinced the two things aren't actually related) were pregnancy complaints, but I just wasn't expecting them this early.

I mean, it's fine. I'll deal with it for the next 6 months. I'll take all the lumps God wants to hand me as long as they lead to a healthy baby in my arms.

But in the meantime- man, my back hurts. Of course, I don't recommend googling "back pain, early pregnancy" because for every article & post there is about it being normal, there's another saying it's a sign of miscarriage. Thank you, because I'm not paranoid enough.

I swear if you googled "ate popcorn, pregnancy" and looked long enough, it would be a sign of miscarriage. All because one woman somewhere one time ate popcorn & then had a miscarriage.

I will say that my anxiety level has gone down a notch since last week. Now I'm having more waves of anxiety rather than constant debilitating terror. My NT scan is set for Thursday and I cycle between excitement to see the baby again and fear that I'll get there and it'll all be over.

I read about late first trimester losses, or 2nd trimester losses and I have the urge to put my hand over my... well.... eyes, I suppose, and sing LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU. Which is odd considering I don't really do denial.

In any case, this is more of a wee hour rambling post than anything. I was tossing & turning so much in bed that I was disturbing the husband so I got up.

I was rewarded by the sight of my youngest cat coming RUNNING for me doing that adorable little meow/purr combo that says "I'm so happy to see you!" I'm not sure what inspired that- he could have joined us in bed at any time, but when he put his paws on my lap, it made me smile anyway. Of course, then I picked him up to give him some love and he promptly leaped from my lap clawing my leg with his rear paws for my trouble.

The story of my life- walking a delicate balance of loving something so much but trying not to hold it too tightly.

Friday, February 22, 2008

12w: Alive & Kicking

****warning, this post contains much detailed baby stuff. If you're not in a place to handle it, the short version is that the baby is good. Feel free to skip this one if your not up to it. Believe me, I've been there.****

Today was my appointment with my new OB.

Woke up to a horrible ice storm. My appointment was at 9. My husband left for work and called about 10 minutes later to tell me to give lots of extra time because the roads were shitty.

He wasn't kidding.

If the appointment had been for anything else, I would have cancelled. It was bad. But no way was some ice storm standing in the way of today. I headed out early. It took about an hour to make a 25 minute drive. I was a few minutes late, arriving at about 9:10.

The waiting room was fairly full and I was afraid it was going to be a long wait, but it was no more than 10 minutes.

They took me back, got my urine, height & weight (I'm down another 3 pounds, making total loss during this pregnancy 8 pounds. If only I hated food when I WASN'T pregnant.) and got me in a room.

The nurse was nice & went over what they'd do today, told me about the stuff they'd be giving me (A really nice side backpack with info, prenatals, a water bottle, etc etc) and took a very brief history.

Then the doctor came in. She's young. Probably around my age, and cute. She was very upbeat, but not obnoxiously perky. She asked a few history questions. Once I got to the part about fertility treatments she said "give me the whole story. Start at the beginning." By the time I got to miscarriage #2, she was asking a few details, but mostly just listening. Then she asked if I'd had any problems so far with this pregnancy, any spotting or anything? As soon as I said yes, she said "let's go get an ultrasound." Music to my ears.

So we pretty much packed up and moved to an u/s room. It was very nice. Not only was there a fairly modern looking (in my complete lack of knowledge opinion) u/s machine, but a flat screen monitor on the wall so that the mom can see everything the tech/doctor can see. I was impressed.

In the meantime, I got naked and she and a nurse came in. She wanted to feel lumpy lefty, and do an STD culture (standard protocol) while I was in there. Then she got to the good stuff.

She did the u/s herself, and I could definitely tell she wasn't an u/s tech. But it was fine. As soon as she put the dildocam in (yes, still internal) I saw the sac and what looked like movement in it, but since she was still adjusting I wasn't 100% sure.

I asked "Is that my baby moving in there?" She said yes. I said "My LIVE baby moving in there?" She said "Yep. Do you see the heart beating?" Well, no, actually I didn't. Honestly, if I could tell correctly, I think the baby was lying almost backwards to the probe. I could see one arm & two legs with a blob in the middle but that was about it. She said she'd see if she could zoom in on it. She switched to the mode where you can see blood flow and just about the time I was focusing on the heart, the baby went crazy. Jumping and bouncing & kicking. She said "well, the baby moved now!" It was truly the most amazing thing ever. I started to cry.

Anyway, that was it. She didn't take any pictures (so therefore didn't give me one) but there was no question the kiddo is alive. And kicking.

From here, I have several follow ups.

-once my records are transferred over, I'm to schedule with a breast surgeon for another opinion (and likely a biopsy) on my lump.
-NT scan in the next week (I left a message for them today but they are actually closed for the weather.)
-another appointment with the nurse practitioner in 2 weeks
-see the doctor again in 4.

I asked her about using a Doppler at home and she actually said that because of my weight, it may be until 20 (!!) weeks until I can hear the baby. Some days I really hate being a fatty more than others.

Overall, she seemed pleased. I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, risks of loss are dropping by the day. I've actually been anxiety free for about 18 hours now. I'm sure it will set in again any time now. I am still me after all.

I left & called the hubby who was happy. Called my dad who was happy. And even told my boss today and managed NOT to almost have a panic attack after I said it out loud. I've actually only told two other people and both times I honestly freaked out afterward.

My boss actually teared up. She got up and hugged me & got all excited. It was honestly adorable. She's been really great through all of my complications, adding me her church prayer list and such things. She really is a good boss just as a boss, but she's also a wonderful person. I count her in my blessings. (Which you won't find me saying about any other members of management in my company.)

I still think I'm going to hold off on any big announcements 'til more like 14 weeks. Or maybe after my NT scan and results, which probably would be about 14 weeks anyway. I'm okay living in the closet a little longer.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

A day in the life of my brain

Wake up.

Stretch out, try to decide if I feel a firm spot in my belly.

Decide yes. Then move, realize that's my bladder.

Roll over, boob hurts. Adjust it from under me. Nod back off.

Wake up again.

Crawl out of bed, head straight to the bathroom.

Pull down panties, immediately check for red. Exhale. No red.



See pink on the toilet paper and freak out.

Realize it's the shadow of my hand behind the white toilet paper, take a deep breath and shake my head at myself.

Wipe again, just to be sure.

Wash hands.

Look at nipples in the mirror trying to decide if they're darker or larger. Decide no, but my nipples look funny so it's okay.

Take a shower.

Notice my boobs don't hurt anymore and freak out.

Remind myself that I just took a warm steamy shower which always makes them hurt less.

Tell myself to stop obsessing. As if.

Get dressed for day, again noticing that as I put my bra on, my boobs don't hurt.

Repeat above mantra about the shower & tell myself to knock it the fuck off.

Stop for a moment and take a deep breath.

Tell myself that worrying accomplishes nothing, symptoms mean nothing. It's in God's hands and I need to stop.

Head to work.

Before doing any work at all, check all message boards. Be sure to open any posts about symptoms, spotting or dopplers.

If I click on the miscarriage board before I click on the success after loss board, freak out that it's a sign.

Remind myself it's at the top of my favorites, so it's what I tend to click first. Then remind myself that I'm stupid and clicking a website doesn't mean anything except that I really need to get to work.

Do a little work.

Phone rings, caller asks how I am today. "Fine, and you?" I reply. Really thinking well, I hope I'm fine, but I don't really know. Can you tell me if my baby is still alive?

More work.

Feel a twinge. Fuck, is that cramps? Is this it? Is it over?

Realize it's gas. Oh.

Back hurts a bit. Fuck, is that cramps? Is this it? Is it over?

Realize seat cushion is crooked and I haven't stood up for 4 straight hours. Adjust seat. Feel better.

Think about going pee. Do I need to pee? No, I want to check for blood.

Argue with myself. I do not need to check for blood. Well, then maybe I really need to pee. No you don't, you're making excuses. Yeah, but it's break time and if I don't go now, it'll be hours before I can go again.

Head to bathroom.

Choose stall under the brightest light so I can study the toilet paper.

Pull panties down, immediately check for blood. Nothing. Phew.

Pee, wipe, fine. Wait, what is that red spot? Look closer. It's a thread in the cheap toilet paper.

Wipe again to be sure. Take a deep breath. Phew.

Wash hands.

Squeeze boobs. Sore. Phew.

Return to work.

Check message boards again. Desperately look for posts about spotting from people close to delivery.

Coworker mentions children. Consider telling her I'm pregnant. Fuck no. Too scary.

Pants feel tight, ooh.. that's good, right?

Realize I'm constipated. Again. Oh.

Steadfastly refuse to try to go. Could cause bleeding. I'd rather be in pain.

Look around to see who's watching.

Slighly unbutton pants & pull shirt down over it.

Take the moment to squeeze my boobs.

Still sore. Phew.

Feel a twinge. Fuck, what's that? Time goes on, it's really cramps.
Drink water quickly, decide to take lunch.

Go to break room lounge & lay on left side.

Definitely crampy. Not gas. Remind myself that crampy is normal. There is no blood, it's just things growing.

Consider going to bathroom to check for blood again.

Decide laying down is a better option.

Nod off and wake up just in time to go back to desk at work.

Decide I have to check for blood. Head to bathroom. All clear.

Am late back to work.

Check message boards. Doesn't anyone have any magic answers that explain why this is happening and if it's going to be okay?

Remind myself there is no such thing.

Do some work.

Look around to see who is watching.

Squeeze boobs. Yep, sore. Phew.

End of day, back hurts. Just want to go home.

Come home, crawl immediately into bed, lay on left side.

Husband asks how I am, I answer fine, but really think "so far, no blood. But my back hurts which could be bad."

Immediately fall asleep and sleep for 2 hours. The best rest I get all night.

Wake up, decide I need to drink something.

Get up. Pee. Repeat the double wipe blood check trick.

Wash hands.

Check breasts again. A little sore and nipples look funny. Tell myself everything is fine.

Go find food & a large glass of milk.


Watch TV.

Obsessively check message boards. Still no psychic answers online.

Consider bed.

Not really tired.

Shit, not tired. Shouldn't I be tired all the time? You took a 2 hour nap, dumb shit. Of course you feel fine right now.

Kitten crawls into lap and wants love.

Pet him and talk baby talk to him and wonder if he's the closest thing to a son I'll ever have.

Try to convince myself that would be okay. Feel sad. I'm not very convincing.

Tell myself to go to bed.

Take vitamins.


Blood check.

P4 suppository.

Run to bed.


Lay in bed and watch husband sleeping. Wishes he'd wake up and hold me.

Start to cry.

Pray again.

Roll over & fall asleep.



Friday, February 15, 2008

11w. I hope.

I feel like it's over. Maybe it's just all the fear getting to me. It's not like I haven't been convinced it was over at least 5 times this pregnancy and so far I've been wrong. But that's how I feel today.

My boobs have almost completely stopped hurting over the last couple of days.
The morning sickness & food aversions are gone over the last couple of days.
I've been spotting for a couple of days. (Admittedly, not today. But the last 2.)
A wonderful friend loaned me her Doppler and I can't find anything. This isn't terribly alarming as I'm doppler-tarded having never used one, but it sure doesn't help.

Plus, David told his mom tonight. It honestly went better than expected, but still, now I feel like I'm just holding my breath until we have to tell her it's over.

After dinner tonight (David cooked) he called his mom. He said "Guess what Trish got today?" and then told her about the fetal Doppler. I didn't actually know he was going to tell her. He had said he would, but I actually sort of figured with all the spotting, he'd wait. In retrospect I don't know why I thought that. He has no doubts and all.

Anyway she, of course, wanted to talk to me. She sounded excited & wanted me to tell her everything. I asked what she wanted to know. Of course, the first question was if the baby was going to be okay. For some reason it didn't annoy me nearly as much this time as last. I guess because she had actually expressed some happiness first and sounded concerned vs. last time seeming like she didn't want to know anything bad.

I refused to sugar coat anything and said that we didn't know. That yes, I was further along than ever before, but I'd been spotting for a few days and that's scary.

We talked a bit. She asked if I felt any differently this time. I told her that no. All I really feel is terrified. Then I started to cry. Not exactly a shining moment. She was kind & sympathetic. It helped a bit.

What didn't help was the pissy mood David was in from the moment I walked in the door. He was tired & cranky about a few things. I mostly just ignored him and did my best not to add to it.

But tonight, he wouldn't help with the Doppler. He actually seemed annoyed that I'd even ask. Then he seemed more annoyed that I was trying to use it while he was getting ready for bed. Again, I didn't respond, but really, I'd have appreciated it if he'd have at least tried.

In other news, I called a new OB today. I was less than impressed with the response I received from my OB the last two days. First it took two days to get a call back about spotting, and then the woman on the phone just didn't seem very bright. I've had words with her in the past (a year ago) because I swear she makes shit up. I'm not someone you can fake it with. First, I'm far too educated and second, I'm far too bitchy.

So after consulting a friend who has 2 kids & is a L&D nurse, I made a call. I was able to get in to the new OB next Thursday. We'll see what happens then, I suppose.

Until then, more praying & hand-wringing. And crying, I suppose.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008


My doctor's office never called me back. I'm thrilled. I know they'd just tell me to put my feet up, take it easy, drink lots of water, but it'd sure be nice if they actually acknowledged my call.

The bleeding seems to be stopped(ing.) It's down to a very small tinge of orangeish discharge.

Emotionally, I don't know that I can even explain how I feel. Tired, sad, scared, even a little angry. I just feel emotionally drained. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head & have someone pull me out when we have an answer. Preferably the answer being "Everything is fine."

When the spotting started today I posted on every board I'm a member of and then proceeded to check the messages obsessively. What was I looking for? Answers. Some mystic psychic all-knowing person to say "This is what will be." Stupid? Probably. Desperate? Absolutely.

My emotional baggage was added to this evening with an interaction with David.

I worked a day shift today (vs. the normal 2nd shift) and I had said that I would cook dinner tonight. When the bleeding happened, all I could think of all day was coming home and getting my feet up. Which is precisely what I did. Came home and crawled almost immediately into bed.

David came in to check on me a short time later and I asked what was for dinner. He seemed confused and said he thought I was cooking. I explained that I was going to but now I just wanted to keep my feet up.

He sighed and said "I guess I'll cook."

It hurt my feelings. Honestly, I wasn't asking him to cook. I was hoping for some takeout, maybe. Of course, my feelings were hurt so instead of explaining I just "don't worry about it. I can eat some cereal." Not in an angry way, but a little pouty.

Then I decided I was being silly and cleaned it up a bit and said that honestly, I would be fine.

Next thing I know, he's cooking.

I get out of bed and wander to the kitchen and see he's making the dinner I had planned on making. Now I feel like a burden.

I thanked him and told him that someday when we were rich, I'd buy him some women. I was trying to make a joke. He said "To cook and clean? Good." He sounded a little angry.

All I really wanted to do was cry. I didn't say anything.

The thing is, he has every right to feel over-burdened. He HAS been carrying the load. I have gone out of my way to recognize that, saying thank you, making sure to acknowledge that I do realize he's taken the brunt of the responsibilities while I'm pretty much a physical & emotional wreck. But that doesn't change the fact that he's probably exhausted, too.

Today, when I called to tell him I was bleeding again, he actually sounded worried. Mr. Optimism. I think this has all officially taken its toll on the most resilient man on earth.

It breaks my heart. And I don't feel like I should tell him that I feel that way because I'm afraid it'll make him feel like he can't show his vulnerability. I don't want him to fake being strong. But the fact that I can see how much this is all weighing on him really hurts me. I want to protect him. But I need him.

I don't know the answer. Keep trying to be grateful, I suppose. Do my best not to burden him any more than necessary. Keep praying.

Lots & lots of prayers.

Any help in that area would be appreciated.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

More spotting

I shouldn't have said I was hopeful.

I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.

David made a good point that I had an internal u/s yesterday. Plus it was right after a bowel movement (sorry, TMI) which didn't happen easily.

I stopped my p4 supps on Sunday. I just ordered a refill. Logically I know by now the placenta should have taken over but at this point I'll take any reassurance I can get.

Please keep praying.

--Really scared Trish

Meet Baby C

Here is our little alien. I can't quite figure out why the baby looks like she already has a pacifier in her mouth. I think that's actually her hands up there, but I wouldn't swear to it.

Dr. M (my OB) had told me to call at 8am to get the appointment for an u/s. Before I went to bed I set the phone up so all I had to do was hit redial & set the alarm for 8. At 8, the alarm went off and I was dialing before 8:01. I reached someone quickly, explained what happened over the weekend. She said she'd get it arranged and called me back.

She called me back 20 minutes later and told me to go to an imaging place at 11. I managed to sort of doze for the next hour & then got up and got showered & dressed. It was sleeting/snowing this morning. I actually took a spill yesterday on a wet spot on the hardwood floor (dog drool if you must know) so I was SUPER paranoid walking on the icy sidewalk.

Once I got there, I was the only person there. I filled out my paperwork & they took me back. The table was odd. There were no stirrups. It was set up more like a massage table with one of those wedge things in the middle. I was to sit my butt on the wedge. Yeah. My butt is large. That was fun. Anyway, she came in and asked me if I'd had a transvaginal u/s before. "Probably 100." She asked if I'd had an u/s before, I said yes. She asked where. I told her at the fertility clinic. She asked if I'd been on Clomid. "Yes, Clomid/IUI." She asked if I was sure there was only 1 in there. "Yes." She had me lie back and she got started. I couldn't see the screen at all.

Then she was silent. I laid there praying to myself. Her silence spoke volumes. I knew it was over. She'd been so chatty. To go silent could only mean doom. I started planning in my head who I needed to call. First David, then my boss because I wasn't going to work. Then my dad, then let everyone online know.

She turned the monitor towards me and I saw stillness. I nodded knowingly, sadly. Then an arm went across the screen. I caught my breath and she said "There's the baby moving!" I said "It's ALIVE?!" She said yes, then refocused to where I could see the heart beating. The image I saw was pretty much the one you see. I asked why there didn't seem to be much amniotic fluid (another of my paranoias because that was an issue during pregnancy #2) she said it was the angle, and switched out and showed me a rounder sac that looked normal to me.

Then it was over. I sat up. I asked how the baby measured (10w2d) and if she was able to get a heart rate (175.) I beamed. I told the tech she was my person of the year.

She got up and I set about trying to clean up the 10 gallons of KY that was everywhere.

I left and quite literally sang "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" as I walked out. The u/s tech and another women there laughed. I called David from the parking lot.

His moving response? "Uh-huh."

I said "You could at least sound happy." He said "I AM happy. I just assumed everything was fine." I don't know where he gets the optimism, but it amazes me. He made up for his lack of enthusiasm this morning when I got home.

I asked if he wanted to see his baby and he said sure. When he saw the u/s picture he looked visibly moved and said "Wow." in that breathy way that nearly made me swoon.

So all is well & happy in the Trish & David household. I've been positively giddy all day. I dare say it. I feel hopeful. But shhhhh. Say it quietly.


Monday, February 11, 2008

10w4d: Pregnancy continues

All is well!

Just a brief update & will make a real post tonight.

Baby is alive. Measuring 10w2d with a heart rate of 175. And at least 1 arm that moves 'cause that the first thing I saw that told me it was alive.

Many prayers of thanks to God and many thanks to everyone who prayed & rooted for us.

Will try to get the u/s pic & the whole story up tonight.


Saturday, February 9, 2008

No u/s until Monday

I finally fell asleep around 7 this morning. I got up about 1. I told the husband to get ready to take me to the urgicare.

While he was in the shower, I called the urgicare just to make sure they'd do an u/s. She said "We won't do that here. Go to the E.R."

Wonderful. The last thing I want is the emergency room. So I paged my OB. She called me back almost immediately. She was very kind.

She said that she could call an order in for an ultrasound today but no one will do it because it's not considered an emergency. "It's a mental emergency, I know. But since you're not in danger, they won't see it that way."

She told me to call the office first thing on Monday morning and they'd get me in for an u/s that same day. In the mean time, take it easy and try not to panic. Because I've had an u/s before and we know there is no risk of an ectopic, and because the u/s was good, she says things are likely okay, but she knows I need to know for sure ASAP. We'll know on Monday.

I called my dad and told him the news. What a way to tell him I'm pregnant. But we had plans for his birthday tonight and I preferred not to lie. We're still going to have dinner, but that'll be it.

In the meantime, I'm in bed and plan to stay here until time to go. And then return here as soon as I get home.

If you're the praying type, even if you're not, please pray that Baby C is okay.


Spotting again

About 11:30, I got slammed with morning sickness and threw up.

At 12:30 I had to pee. I wiped, did the usual glance down and there was bright red blood.

I froze. Please let that be from somewhere else.

I wiped again. More red blood. Fuck.

What can I do? I told the husband I was spotting. He asked "What does that mean?"

I told him I didn't know and promptly went to lay down. I just checked again, no blood.

I'm, of course, a mess. I sobbed to the husband a few minutes, and now I think I might be heading for numb. He's still hopeful. I'm already mentally preparing myself for an ultrasound with no heartbeat.

I don't know if I should go to the urgicare tomorrow and beg for an ultrasound or just wait until Monday and call my doctor.

Until then I guess I just keep praying.


Friday, February 8, 2008

No news

Well, I really have no news.

I got there and they took me into the room and essentially asked me why I was there. They knew I needed a breast exam but also saw that there was a note that I was pregnant. Apparently the women who wrote the appointment down wrote "breast exam" down twice instead of breast exam & OB check.

Once we got that straightened out, I had to get naked & fill out some paperwork. (Yes, in that order.) Then the PA came in, and got started.

The highlights:

-boob is still lumpy. Waiting on the surgeon for now.
-my cervix looks good
-my uterus feels firmer than normal (which it should)
-yes I'm definitely pregnant (gee, ya think?)
-come back in 3 weeks
-No doppler, no blood work, the only pee involved was for the pregnancy test they wanted.
-I requested an NT scan which they don't normally do, but she agreed. They're supposed to call in the next week to set it up.

I won't lie. I was disappointed. She was very nice and understanding. She answered all of my questions, walked me through everything. She was very nice about my concerns, particularly concerning my history of miscarriage. But I still would have liked to have left with some reassurances that everything was indeed, okay.

I know I'm paranoid. I know everyone will say everything is fine. She gave me the whole "you're 10w, that's really great!" speech. I know that. But I've seen two baby's hearts beating on a screen only to later see nothing but stillness on the same screen. I need to be reassured. Constantly.

My next appointment is the 27th unless we have the NT scan sometime between now and then. I'll live. But man, this sucks.

In news that is actually news, I think the exhaustion has finally hit me. I've been more tired than normal for a few days now but today I feel like a zombie. I got home from the appointment and was just dead tired. I had to go to work and the thought of getting in the car and going seriously had me almost in tears. I ended up calling and taking a vacation day and going back to bed. I'm off tomorrow (for my daddy's b-day! Happy B-day Dad!) Anyway, so it makes for a long weekend. I took two 2 1/2 hour naps today. And I'm still tired. I'm calling this a symptom and clinging to the reassurance it provides.

That's fine little parasite. Suck all the energy you need.


Thursday, February 7, 2008

Scary out there

I have my first OB appointment in the morning. I'll be 10w exactly.

This was actually originally my next boob lump appointment but when I called to set up my first OB appointment, they just decided to combine them together.

I had a pretty good dose of anxiety about it yesterday. I've been mostly better today. I had a good dose of morning sickness last night which I think helped.

I'm obviously nervous. I actually have a couple of concerns.

The most obvious- the baby died.

I'm also worried that she'll try to use the doppler and it won't work because I'm too fat. And then I'm worried I'll freak out. And since my OB's office doesn't have an ultrasound machine, it's not like we can slip over to the next room and see for sure. I just feel like I'm set up for a stressful morning. I almost took a vacation day just so I could deal with whatever happens.

In the end I decided to wing it. If I have to call in, I will. Hopefully I'll be walking on air and float through the day.

Tonight I was listening to my iPod at work and the song "For Bobbie" by Peter, Paul, & Mary came on. When we first started TTC that was the song I used to sing all the time and think about how I'd sing it to our baby someday. Tonight, when it came on, I started bawling. I actually had a picture in my mind of singing to THIS baby. I was overwhelmed- both with love & fear. So much for remaining at arm's length from this pregnancy. I'm hopelessly lost.

Man is it scary.

My husband keeps asking when we're going to tell people. I keep saying "We'll see." I've come close to telling a person here or there a couple of times. But I just can't do it. Saying it out loud is more powerful than it should be. Honestly, there is no reaction that is right. If someone is excited, I'm freaked out. "No no no.. it's early.. don't get excited yet!" If they are cautious or reserved I think "What is wrong with you? Why can't you be excited!?" It's just easier not to deal with it.

When we first got the positive test David joked that we'd tell people about the time the kid went off to college. Right now that sounds about right. A birth announcement seems reasonable. Right?

Apparently his mother called tonight. I was mercifully at work. She asked The Question. He told her we were considering taking some time off to enjoy our anniversary next month. Not EXACTLY a lie, but sort of. He called to tell me. I told him he could have told her. He seemed confused that I said it was okay. Hadn't I said I wanted to wait? I told him that *I* didn't want to be the one to tell her, but that HE could.

I don't think he really gets how stung I still am about her reaction to pregnancy #2. I think if the first thing she says this time is essentially "Is this one going to die, too?" I might come undone. I honestly can't think of any tactful yet truthful response to that. Mostly I think of myself screaming at her. And I don't think that would be good. I wish he would just handle it. He says she'll have questions he can't answer. WTH questions would those be, exactly? I don't know. But I'm not entirely rational on the subject so I just keep avoiding it.

So for now- we're in the closet. It's an odd place to be for someone like me. I'm so open & vocal about everything. But this time, well, this time it seems really scary out there.