Friday, April 29, 2011

March is tomorrow.

Sorry for the long silence. We were without Internet service for 5 days. I started to twitch.

It is back up, but it's been a hectic week. So far, so good on the pregnancy front. I'm 7w1d and so far, no spotting. The symptoms are very mild and come and go enough to freak me out occasionally, but I'm trying to remain hopeful. Next ultrasound is next Thursday. If everything is okay then, I'll be released back to my OB and Dr. Bitchy.

The march for babies is tomorrow! Team Remarkable Robbie is just over 1500 dollars, which some more to go in tonight once I count it up. I sold candy at work, catered a lunch, and a coworker helped me with a couple of 50/50 pot shots to early extra cash. Several friends solicited coworkers and more friends and all in all, I think we made a decent showing to help save babies.

The weather is supposed to be nice in the morning, so I'm hoping we don't get rained on. And hoping we all hold out for the whole walk. David, Robbie & I all have cold, Robbie and me both have a cough with it. We're on the mend now, so hopefully we'll be okay.

It was enough of a cough to keep Robbie from his surgery on Wednesday, though. He was supposed to get a 2nd set of ear tubes & his adenoid removed. It's now been rescheduled for June 8. Blasted germs. Hope he can stay healthy for that one.

Anyway, as I said, it's been a crazy week, but hopefully once the march is done tomorrow, things will calm down again. Of course, then I have to plan Robbie's THIRD birthday. I can't believe he's going to be three, but here it comes.

Thanks to everyone who donated to our team. I'll get pictures up ASAP.


Thursday, April 21, 2011


1 baby, measuring perfectly on track. Heart rate around 85.

Don't have time to type out a full recap now, but Dr. K is pleased. We go back in 1.5 weeks to have another look, then I will be released to my OB.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Apparently Tuesdays are my freak out days. It was last Tuesday that I seriously considered calling my RE to see if she'd move my beta up to Wednesday because I wasn't sure I could take it any more. And really, as calm as I've been, today the nerves started to get to me again.

It wasn't helped by the fact that I realized I wasn't supposed to be eating a sandwich from Subway until after I'd eaten it. I completely spaced about the cold cut thing. I then spent a half an hour Googling symptoms of lysteriosis and seriously considering going to the bathroom and purging. (I didn't.) Anxiety disorders- WHEE!

After I managed to talk myself down, the panicked feeling still remained. Then on the way home, it was storming like I don't know what and I hydroplaned worse than I ever have before. It was that moment where you see barricades on the side of the road coming and think "Welp, this is it." Suddenly I actually hit another puddle with my left tires that sent me the other direction but that was away from the water so my wheels caught and I was fine. I'm pretty sure my heart is still racing a little, but I'm fine. My next thought was "hope the baby is okay."

It reminded me of the earthquake we had when I was pregnant with Robbie. Once the shaking was over, the first thing I did was grab the Doppler and make sure he was alright. I don't know why he wouldn't have been, but I was scared, and the first thing I needed to know was that my baby was okay. I was 20 weeks pregnant, but I still wasn't convinced I wasn't going to do something to hurt him. Little did I know that 6 short weeks later, my body would try to kill us both.

Today I'm only 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and I have way more evidence that my body can't be trusted than I did then. But I feel less panicked. I have no idea what Thursday will bring. I feel fine. My boobs hurt like whoa, but everything else is normal. No barfing, no food aversion, not even the regular dry heaves that I had with all three pregnancies before this. I'm not exceptionally tired, my back doesn't hurt. I've had a little bit of round ligament pain, but that's as close as I can come to feeling different. Maybe this is what a healthy pregnancy feels like? How would I know? Hopefully we'll know more on Thursday. But I'll only be 6 weeks then so even the absence of a heartbeat won't be definitive. It's early, I know that.

We haven't told our families yet. I don't exactly know why. It's not like I wouldn't want them to know if I miscarried again. Hell, everyone knows about our past losses. I'm as out of the closet as a person can get. I think mostly I worry about their reaction. I'm afraid my dad will be worried about my health more than excited about the baby. I couldn't fault him there. But I am excited and I want him to be, too. And my mother in law? Well, her reaction the last two pregnancies didn't even include a congratulations. It was "do you know if the baby is going to be okay?" When I told her I wouldn't know that until the baby was born (and ha! Turns out not even then!) she mostly just got quiet. It still makes me angry to think about it. And that's so hypocritical of me because even when I found out I was pregnant with Robbie, my own reaction was "well, we'll see." Apparently I'M allowed to be skeptical, but she's not. Which isn't fair, but that's how I feel anyway.

Tonight David asked if we should tell her this weekend (we will be seeing her). I said we'd see how Thursday went. I told him I was still a little hurt by her reaction the last two times. He didn't defend or agree with her. He just got quiet. After a long moment he sighed and said "I guess it's nice for some people to have normal pregnancies. But we'll never know that." It made me sad. David is the most hopeful, optimistic person I know, really. I said "Maybe this one." But he just shook his head in disbelief. Even he is disillusioned by our history. I added "yeah, even if this pregnancy goes perfectly, it won't be normal. Normal people don't have a team of specialists. They're not high risk from the start." We changed the subject.

Oddly, the conversation almost helped to settle my nerves. Perhaps it was just the outward speaking of our fears. Maybe it was just the reminder that we simply aren't in control. Or maybe it was just letting myself get a little angry at someone insinuating my baby might not make it. Whatever it was, I feel calmer tonight. Two more sleeps until we have a little more information. Maybe not an answer, but at least another hint.


Thursday, April 14, 2011


Second beta was this morning. Been a heaving ball of nerves all morning. I was hoping between 800 & 1200.

It's 1195! Doubling time: 41.66 hrs.

First u/s is a week from today. OMG.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day by day

My attempts at taking this pregnancy one day at a time are mostly working. You know, between freak outs, anyway.
Yesterday was a rough day. To be honest, I just don't feel pregnant. My boobs are sore and my period is late, but really, that's about it for symptoms. I've had a few waves of nausea but that could be anything from indigestion to over thinking. It's not that I want to feel like shit, it's just that I feel.. well.. good. And that's weird.

I considered called and asking to move my 2nd beta up by a day. Honestly, scheduling wise, it would be preferable not to do it on Thursday, but it's not that I can't, it's just that I won't work as much overtime that day. (Been working 12 hour days most days.) After I thought about it a while, and yeah, peed on another mystery stick (very positive), I talked myself back out of it.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what the beta shows. If it's bad, well, it's obviously bad. Nothing will change that. And even if it's good, well, that doesn't really matter either because I've had good betas that ended in dead babies before. I assume my first ultrasound will be in the days after Easter, but even if that looks good, that's not the all clear. I've seen heartbeats at 6.5 weeks before- three times. The first two times still ended before the 1st trimester was over.

And even if I get to 10 weeks or 12 or 20, I've never seen a 3rd trimester. I will not really breathe freely until a healthy baby is in my arms at home. I'm just not great at pregnancy. I guess not everyone can be. There is no blood test or pee stick that can tell me what tomorrow will bring. God did not promise any of us a tomorrow, so we better hold on to today.

Some days I can wake up and remind myself of that and be okay for the day, and some days I need to remind myself hourly. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. I know how lucky I am to have today. Worrying constantly (I mean, I can worry a little sometimes, right?) about what might happen tomorrow is not honoring the blessing of pregnancy I have been given.So I'm taking a deep breath, and cherishing today. I know too well it might be all we have.


P.S. A friend of mine gave birth to her son quite unexpectedly yesterday. She was exactly 29 weeks pregnant. Baby Tristan is doing as well as can be expected in the NICU, but could always use some extra prayers. And if you see preeclampsia running around, please aim for the neck. I'm out for blood.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Official #4.

14dpo beta: 73

It's official. I wouldn't have minded seeing something closer to 100, but it's not out of the range of normal, and it's not like I have a day in it, so there it is. They don't want to do another for a week.  A week feels like a year at this point, but again, I know that the frequency of testing isn't going to change the outcome, so I need to work on chilling out.

I used my last 4 pee sticks and told myself I was done. But when I went to the grocery store yesterday, I was already in line when I realized they would have tests and got out of line to go find them. However, it seems my local grocery store keeps the pregnancy tests back behind the pharmacy counter. Maybe the meth-heads make something out of those, too.

I debated whether or not it was worth talking to the pharmacist, but then when I was the 75 year old man at the counter asking a lot of questions, I decided no. Told myself it was fine. Until I got home.

Once I got home, though, suddenly I was the addict. I looked like an alcoholic looking for mouthwash with a little alcohol in it. I was rooting through drawers, cabinets, the baskets I keep supplies in the bathroom. There has to be one here somewhere. I found a foil pack marked and got really excited. Then I realized it was just another OPK.

I finally found a stash of test sticks, all marked ClearBlue Easy. I don't even know what they were. Some were fertility monitor sticks, others were digital OPKs. But there were some dark purple packets I couldn't identify. They expired 12/09. Whatthefuckever, I was peeing on something damn it! And I did. And it was positive, I guess. At least, there were two lines of pretty equal shading. If it were a pregnancy test, it was great. Even if it were an OPK, it would have been positive. I took that as a good sign. I felt my nerves settle. Then I laughed at myself and cleaned up the bathroom.

The tech who drew my blood today tried to explain the test to me. I just nodded and said not to worry, it was positive. She asked if I had tested, and I confirmed. Then she scolded me. "You're not supposed to do that." I was defensive. Actually they told me to test. As a matter of fact, the nurse gave me instructions if I tested early (call, but don't expect a beta until 14dpo.) I think she paid me back for my insolence by take 3 tries to find blood.

Hopefully by next Thursday she'll have forgotten my bad attitude. And hopefully I can old off the DTs until then. But if not, there were a few more of those mystery sticks....


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Here we go again...

Welp, it would seem I'm pregnant again.
It's still unofficial as Dr. K won't do a beta until 14dpo, which is Thursday. But four tests agree.

I actually was dreaming I was pregnant yesterday morning, woke up and took a test. And then another to confirm.

It was sort of strange how calm I felt most of yesterday. I smiled, told Robbie he was going to be a big brother, then set about my normal morning. I ended up running all over town looking for a big brother shirt for Robbie to surprise David. I took the afternoon off and asked David to meet us for dinner. Changed Robbie quickly before we went.

Of course, David being Mr. Oblivious never did notice. I had to prod about his new shirt "Oh it's nice, where'd you get it." I just started laughing. He FINALLY got it and just grinned. We started planning right away. NOT something the old Trish would have done.

At one point the waitress asked if we had other children and we glanced at each other like "do we tell?!" and I did. She was so excited. You could tell she's definitely not infertile.

This morning I got up and took another. It was extremely, extremely light. I started to panic. Took another (last one in the drawer.) and it's about the same as yesterday. Maybe a little lighter. I spent about 45 minutes fighting back panic about a chemical pregnancy. In the end, I gained control of the anxiety. I know that what is to be is to be. This pregnancy is in God's hands and no matter how many sticks I pee on, that's not going to change.

I debated buying more tests today, but ultimately decided to wait for my Thursday beta. The RE's office did call me in some prometrium (hello gooey crotch. Oh how I've missed you.) and some folguard. Once it's official on Thursday, I'll call my OB & my high risk OB and see how they want to proceed.

I assume my first u/s will be the week after Easter. We just hope for ONE healthy baby. I did have two good follicles at my scan, so anything is possible.

So here we go again. Pregnancy #4. Can we get a baby #2?