58.
I repeat on Monday.
Good chance I'm going to lose another one.
Not much I can say.
--Trish
Friday, July 6, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Beta 1 drawn
First of all, a big thank you for all the congratulations & well wishes. It really meant (and continues to mean) a lot to me.
It was a hectic morning.
I had really rough night of mostly non-sleep and really terrible throat pain. I was too afraid to take much more Tylenol because I'd been taking it like candy for a few days and now I know I'm medicating for two.
I finally broke down and took 2 more because it was that or go to the emergency room. It was that bad.
I thought my R.E.'s office opened at 8, so I got up at 10 til to call. Yeah, turns out they start answering phones at 8:30. I know they're in at 7:30 for inseminations, so you can imagine how annoyed I was. I barely managed to keep from pacing while waiting for the clock to strike 8:30.
At 8:35 (yeah, they were a little late turning those phones on, I got the "We're closed" message twice after 8:30 until I finally got through.) I left a voicemail for my doctor's secretary that essentially said I'm pregnant and in intense pain. What do I do? And YAY!
When they hadn't had called me back in about 10 minutes (patience was running short) I called my PCP. I wasn't sure they'd even deal with me because I know some PCPs prefer you go through your OB for everything while pregnant. I got lucky and got a sympathetic nurse. She told me I didn't have to see the doctor, I could just come in for a throat swab and go from there.
I didn't even shower. Threw some clothes on, shook David and said I was leaving and was gone. I got in and she did the strep swab. She said if it was negative she'd have me see the doc. Turns out I'm not just positive for pregnancy this week. Yep. Strep throat. I'm sure you can tell I'm thrilled. But at least it meant there was hope of something to help me. If one more person told me maybe it was just hormones, I was going to lose my mind. I felt like I swallowed glass, it wasn't a case of dry sinuses.
Anyway, she asked me what pharmacy and said it'd be there when I got there. Tylenol and fluids and amoxicillin. So I went straight to the pharmacy.
On my way, I called my dad. David and I had tried to call him last night but couldn't get through. My dad's response was very dad-like. Speechless, happy, then worried. His biggest concern is when David is going to get a job. After I finished lecturing him about non-traditional families and relaxing, we were good again.
I love my dad, but the constant questions about job interviews wear on me. I make a wage that is able to support us and David takes very good care of both the house & me. If he were the bread-winner & I a stay-at-home-wife, no one would even blink twice. The double standard annoys me. Plus I know how much it bothers David that he's still unemployed and don't feel like it's anyone else's business but mine. /digress.
Got to the pharmacy and they looked at me like I was two-headed. Turns out the nurse had left it on the voicemail, but they hadn't checked it. I copped a squat in the waiting area because they'd have had to pepper-spray me to get me to leave w/o drugs.
I left for home and idly thought how it was a good thing I hadn't waited for the R.E's office to call. About 3 minutes later, my cell rang. It was the secretary wondering why I hadn't called back. Turns out she hadn't gotten my 2nd voicemail telling her to call my cell. She told me that I had orders waiting at Quest for a beta and gave me the plan. She was very nice, as always. I can imagine that working at a fertility clinic, this is probably the best part. I know how I'd be in her shoes.
Anyway, the plan is: Beta today, Beta next Thursday, first "OB" appointment with my R.E. the following week. She wasn't sure when they'd do my first ultrasound. Maybe the same week as my OB appointment (6w) but maybe the following. (At the time I was hoping for 6w, but honestly, I think I'd rather go with 7w when I know we'll be able to see something. My first pregnancy, my first ultrasound was at 6w. I was measuring 5w & had no heartbeat, but because it was at that in between time it was hard to say how things would go. A week later, we had a heartbeat, and a week after that it was gone. I'd rather skip limbo if I can.) She told me that if I got in quickly enough we *MIGHT* get a result today but it was late enough that it would probably be tomorrow.
I was only a few blocks from home, so I stopped in and got a drink to take my antibiotic. Then headed back to Quest. Which is, of course, only a few blocks from the pharmacy I had just left.
The lady at Quest got my blood in one poke, though it was from my hand and was pumping VERY SLOWLY. I don't know what the deal was. Fortunately it doesn't seem to have bruised. I still have the bruise from 2 weeks ago and the bruise from last week. I commented to the technician that I was starting to look like a heroine addict and when she turned my arm over to look she actually agreed with me.
So, then I headed home, took a quick shower & layed down for an hour before work.
I know you're thinking "Why are you going to work? You have strep throat!" but just let the short version be that the attendance policy at my job is very strict & very complicated and it just wasn't worth it. I came in, told my boss I could barely speak and she gave me the day off of the phones. Only with the understanding that this isn't a pattern. Which I found interesting seeing as how I've been there 6 1/2 years and have never made such a request before. But okee dokee. She's normally pretty cool, so I didn't tried not to be too offended.
I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I can talk w/o gagging. I can swallow w/o grimacing. I might try to master eating w/o crying later.
I didn't get my beta back today, as I suspected. So.. tomorrow it is. I've actually had a few stretchy/painy feelings today. I'm convinced this is my extremely retroverted uterus inflating forward. Or it could be gas.
Oh yeah, and my boobs hurt but good today. I now wonder if they didn't hurt this bad for a few days now but I was taking so much Tylenol that I didn't realize it. Either way, I'm taking both as a good sign. Along with the incredible gag reflex I've had. Some of that is the strep throat, I'm sure. But when I poured my leftover pee out last night after the 2nd test, THAT made me gag. And we all know that I'm POAS-aholic. No way a little pee should gross me out. So I'm going with positive signs for strong pregnancy.
Speaking of POAS-aholic. A picture for posterity:
For the true pee-stick connoisseur, this photo was taken about 2 hours after the First Response was taken, so it is a little bit darker than it was at the actual test-check time.
On to the emotional front. I'm okay. I mean, I'm actually okay. I am worried, of course. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. There's a little voice that says what if the tests are wrong. What if it's the trigger shot magically showing up now (even though I had a negative test at both 8dpo & 12dpo) and of course, the inevitable worries about the baby being okay. But I'm not sick with worry. Which, honestly, last time, I was almost immediately. Last time I was worried and had to remind myself to be positive.
This time I feel positive and am reminding myself to be a little worried. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. I do think there are signs that this is a stronger pregnancy than the last one, but I also think I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. We've already lived through hell. We'll be okay no matter what.
I haven't done some of the fool-hardy things that I did last time. Like sign up for baby-center & Huggies & tell my coworkers. (Yeah, I STILL am getting Huggies emails from my first pregnancy. There's no opt-out in them. Fuckers.) But my online support systems all know. And all my fellow barren bitches. My MIL and my dad know. So if the beta inexplicably comes back negative tomorrow, I still have a lot of untelling to do. But it's not like I haven't had to do worse before. I'll survive.
So please, keep praying for us. I'm not sure I'll really be breathing all the way until the baby is born, and then a whole new set of worries will set in. I could use the good mojo.
And thank all of you again. A "congratulations" is always nice, but particularly coming from one infertile to another.. it moves me.
--Trish
It was a hectic morning.
I had really rough night of mostly non-sleep and really terrible throat pain. I was too afraid to take much more Tylenol because I'd been taking it like candy for a few days and now I know I'm medicating for two.
I finally broke down and took 2 more because it was that or go to the emergency room. It was that bad.
I thought my R.E.'s office opened at 8, so I got up at 10 til to call. Yeah, turns out they start answering phones at 8:30. I know they're in at 7:30 for inseminations, so you can imagine how annoyed I was. I barely managed to keep from pacing while waiting for the clock to strike 8:30.
At 8:35 (yeah, they were a little late turning those phones on, I got the "We're closed" message twice after 8:30 until I finally got through.) I left a voicemail for my doctor's secretary that essentially said I'm pregnant and in intense pain. What do I do? And YAY!
When they hadn't had called me back in about 10 minutes (patience was running short) I called my PCP. I wasn't sure they'd even deal with me because I know some PCPs prefer you go through your OB for everything while pregnant. I got lucky and got a sympathetic nurse. She told me I didn't have to see the doctor, I could just come in for a throat swab and go from there.
I didn't even shower. Threw some clothes on, shook David and said I was leaving and was gone. I got in and she did the strep swab. She said if it was negative she'd have me see the doc. Turns out I'm not just positive for pregnancy this week. Yep. Strep throat. I'm sure you can tell I'm thrilled. But at least it meant there was hope of something to help me. If one more person told me maybe it was just hormones, I was going to lose my mind. I felt like I swallowed glass, it wasn't a case of dry sinuses.
Anyway, she asked me what pharmacy and said it'd be there when I got there. Tylenol and fluids and amoxicillin. So I went straight to the pharmacy.
On my way, I called my dad. David and I had tried to call him last night but couldn't get through. My dad's response was very dad-like. Speechless, happy, then worried. His biggest concern is when David is going to get a job. After I finished lecturing him about non-traditional families and relaxing, we were good again.
I love my dad, but the constant questions about job interviews wear on me. I make a wage that is able to support us and David takes very good care of both the house & me. If he were the bread-winner & I a stay-at-home-wife, no one would even blink twice. The double standard annoys me. Plus I know how much it bothers David that he's still unemployed and don't feel like it's anyone else's business but mine. /digress.
Got to the pharmacy and they looked at me like I was two-headed. Turns out the nurse had left it on the voicemail, but they hadn't checked it. I copped a squat in the waiting area because they'd have had to pepper-spray me to get me to leave w/o drugs.
I left for home and idly thought how it was a good thing I hadn't waited for the R.E's office to call. About 3 minutes later, my cell rang. It was the secretary wondering why I hadn't called back. Turns out she hadn't gotten my 2nd voicemail telling her to call my cell. She told me that I had orders waiting at Quest for a beta and gave me the plan. She was very nice, as always. I can imagine that working at a fertility clinic, this is probably the best part. I know how I'd be in her shoes.
Anyway, the plan is: Beta today, Beta next Thursday, first "OB" appointment with my R.E. the following week. She wasn't sure when they'd do my first ultrasound. Maybe the same week as my OB appointment (6w) but maybe the following. (At the time I was hoping for 6w, but honestly, I think I'd rather go with 7w when I know we'll be able to see something. My first pregnancy, my first ultrasound was at 6w. I was measuring 5w & had no heartbeat, but because it was at that in between time it was hard to say how things would go. A week later, we had a heartbeat, and a week after that it was gone. I'd rather skip limbo if I can.) She told me that if I got in quickly enough we *MIGHT* get a result today but it was late enough that it would probably be tomorrow.
I was only a few blocks from home, so I stopped in and got a drink to take my antibiotic. Then headed back to Quest. Which is, of course, only a few blocks from the pharmacy I had just left.
The lady at Quest got my blood in one poke, though it was from my hand and was pumping VERY SLOWLY. I don't know what the deal was. Fortunately it doesn't seem to have bruised. I still have the bruise from 2 weeks ago and the bruise from last week. I commented to the technician that I was starting to look like a heroine addict and when she turned my arm over to look she actually agreed with me.
So, then I headed home, took a quick shower & layed down for an hour before work.
I know you're thinking "Why are you going to work? You have strep throat!" but just let the short version be that the attendance policy at my job is very strict & very complicated and it just wasn't worth it. I came in, told my boss I could barely speak and she gave me the day off of the phones. Only with the understanding that this isn't a pattern. Which I found interesting seeing as how I've been there 6 1/2 years and have never made such a request before. But okee dokee. She's normally pretty cool, so I didn't tried not to be too offended.
I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I can talk w/o gagging. I can swallow w/o grimacing. I might try to master eating w/o crying later.
I didn't get my beta back today, as I suspected. So.. tomorrow it is. I've actually had a few stretchy/painy feelings today. I'm convinced this is my extremely retroverted uterus inflating forward. Or it could be gas.
Oh yeah, and my boobs hurt but good today. I now wonder if they didn't hurt this bad for a few days now but I was taking so much Tylenol that I didn't realize it. Either way, I'm taking both as a good sign. Along with the incredible gag reflex I've had. Some of that is the strep throat, I'm sure. But when I poured my leftover pee out last night after the 2nd test, THAT made me gag. And we all know that I'm POAS-aholic. No way a little pee should gross me out. So I'm going with positive signs for strong pregnancy.
Speaking of POAS-aholic. A picture for posterity:
For the true pee-stick connoisseur, this photo was taken about 2 hours after the First Response was taken, so it is a little bit darker than it was at the actual test-check time.
On to the emotional front. I'm okay. I mean, I'm actually okay. I am worried, of course. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. There's a little voice that says what if the tests are wrong. What if it's the trigger shot magically showing up now (even though I had a negative test at both 8dpo & 12dpo) and of course, the inevitable worries about the baby being okay. But I'm not sick with worry. Which, honestly, last time, I was almost immediately. Last time I was worried and had to remind myself to be positive.
This time I feel positive and am reminding myself to be a little worried. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. I do think there are signs that this is a stronger pregnancy than the last one, but I also think I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. We've already lived through hell. We'll be okay no matter what.
I haven't done some of the fool-hardy things that I did last time. Like sign up for baby-center & Huggies & tell my coworkers. (Yeah, I STILL am getting Huggies emails from my first pregnancy. There's no opt-out in them. Fuckers.) But my online support systems all know. And all my fellow barren bitches. My MIL and my dad know. So if the beta inexplicably comes back negative tomorrow, I still have a lot of untelling to do. But it's not like I haven't had to do worse before. I'll survive.
So please, keep praying for us. I'm not sure I'll really be breathing all the way until the baby is born, and then a whole new set of worries will set in. I could use the good mojo.
And thank all of you again. A "congratulations" is always nice, but particularly coming from one infertile to another.. it moves me.
--Trish
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
BFP
*removes foot from mouth*
Yeah.
That's right. Pregnant.
I'm sitting here typing with eyes wide. I'm still in shock.
I generally start spotting about 13dpo. Today is 14. There was nothing yesterday, but I wasn't overly concerned. Today I kept going to the bathroom and checking. And nothing. And nothing. And nothing.
We had friends over for some barbecue and then went down to my work to watch the fireworks. I work in the ghetto, but the ghetto has a great view of the Arch. Except when the entire city has been blowing things up all day and there is smoke everywhere. So it wasn't that great, but okayish.
Got home. Still not period. I had one test left. I thought WTF and went for it. Now, the last time I was pregnant, the digital came up seriously in a matter of seconds. This one took a long time.
I had actually opened up my blog to start to tell everyone that it was, indeed, negative and question where the fuck AF was.
Then I looked back over and it said Pregnant.
I hadn't even told David I was testing. I prefer to keep my obsessions to myself. (and you guys)
I went skipping up the front of the house and asked David if he'd like to have a baby with his wife.
He said "of course."
I said, "well, that's pretty good, since I'M PREGNANT."
I shoved the stick at him and he looked, jumped up and hugged me.
Of course, I was still in that not-quite-belief stage. David was certain it was true, but I thought that maybe we should go to Walgreens and get more tests. He's a good husband and indulged me.
I got a First Response/Early Result. It agreed with the digital.
So here I am.
It took a good 45 minutes to hit complete panic.
Called my MIL. Her first response wasn't to say congratulations. It was to ask if I was far enough along to know the baby would be okay. Way to calm my fears. Couldn't reach my dad.
Won't tell anyone else for a while.
For any of you prayers out there, please pray for good betas, strong heartbeats & healthy babies. I'm going to go back to breathing in a bag now.
--Trish
Yeah.
That's right. Pregnant.
I'm sitting here typing with eyes wide. I'm still in shock.
I generally start spotting about 13dpo. Today is 14. There was nothing yesterday, but I wasn't overly concerned. Today I kept going to the bathroom and checking. And nothing. And nothing. And nothing.
We had friends over for some barbecue and then went down to my work to watch the fireworks. I work in the ghetto, but the ghetto has a great view of the Arch. Except when the entire city has been blowing things up all day and there is smoke everywhere. So it wasn't that great, but okayish.
Got home. Still not period. I had one test left. I thought WTF and went for it. Now, the last time I was pregnant, the digital came up seriously in a matter of seconds. This one took a long time.
I had actually opened up my blog to start to tell everyone that it was, indeed, negative and question where the fuck AF was.
Then I looked back over and it said Pregnant.
I hadn't even told David I was testing. I prefer to keep my obsessions to myself. (and you guys)
I went skipping up the front of the house and asked David if he'd like to have a baby with his wife.
He said "of course."
I said, "well, that's pretty good, since I'M PREGNANT."
I shoved the stick at him and he looked, jumped up and hugged me.
Of course, I was still in that not-quite-belief stage. David was certain it was true, but I thought that maybe we should go to Walgreens and get more tests. He's a good husband and indulged me.
I got a First Response/Early Result. It agreed with the digital.
So here I am.
It took a good 45 minutes to hit complete panic.
Called my MIL. Her first response wasn't to say congratulations. It was to ask if I was far enough along to know the baby would be okay. Way to calm my fears. Couldn't reach my dad.
Won't tell anyone else for a while.
For any of you prayers out there, please pray for good betas, strong heartbeats & healthy babies. I'm going to go back to breathing in a bag now.
--Trish
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Whine
Everyone in the world is pregnant except for me.
No. I'm serious. You think you're not pregnant? Just you wait. You are. And you'll tell me in a day or two. Yep. Cause everyone is pregnant but me.
I'm sick and I'm whiney. I woke up for work yesterday and felt like shit. My first waking thought was "Ow. My throat. WTF?" My second thought was "Oh! THAT'S why my temp was high."
By last night it had progressed to hot flashes/cold chills, light-headedness, nausea and the most god-awful headache ever. Of course, since my period hasn't started yet, I'm still only taking Tylenol. Even a negative pregnancy test can't make me give up hope. *insert eye roll at myself here*
Still feel like shit today. The swirly sick feeling has mostly gone, but my throat still feels like sandpaper. And I'm just a little stuffy. I'm fairly certain it's the stuffy/sinusy stuff irritating my throat. This shit can end any time now. If I'm going to be sick, it damn well needs to be morning sickness.
That's all for me. You can all go back to your being pregnant without me now.
--Trish
No. I'm serious. You think you're not pregnant? Just you wait. You are. And you'll tell me in a day or two. Yep. Cause everyone is pregnant but me.
I'm sick and I'm whiney. I woke up for work yesterday and felt like shit. My first waking thought was "Ow. My throat. WTF?" My second thought was "Oh! THAT'S why my temp was high."
By last night it had progressed to hot flashes/cold chills, light-headedness, nausea and the most god-awful headache ever. Of course, since my period hasn't started yet, I'm still only taking Tylenol. Even a negative pregnancy test can't make me give up hope. *insert eye roll at myself here*
Still feel like shit today. The swirly sick feeling has mostly gone, but my throat still feels like sandpaper. And I'm just a little stuffy. I'm fairly certain it's the stuffy/sinusy stuff irritating my throat. This shit can end any time now. If I'm going to be sick, it damn well needs to be morning sickness.
That's all for me. You can all go back to your being pregnant without me now.
--Trish
Monday, July 2, 2007
ramblings
Note of importance to all infertiles:
If trying to distract yourself from anything baby or fertility related, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT! Go to the zoo on a not-blistering-hot, not-raining July afternoon.
Yep. Seemed like a good idea. Do you have any idea how many adorable children are at the zoo on an almost perfect weather Sunday? Somewhere around a billion. One particular little boy was walking in front of me and kept turning around to wave. Blonde hair, blue eyes, chubby cheeks. Yep. I could have claimed him as my own and no one would have been the wiser.
Then as we're walking towards the great ape exhibit, my husband broke my heart. "Just think, one day we'll bring our little munchkins here and tell them all about how they can't bring one home." I took a deep breath, reminded yet again how much I love him and responded, "But DAAAAAADDDDDYYYY, I want a POoooooooooonnnyyyyy." He chuckled and we went on. Just like we believed that might really happen. How perfectly normal of us.
I found myself looking around at all the people wandering around with their kids and wondering if they knew how lucky they are. I then tried to remind myself that perhaps they, too, had trouble conceiving. Perhaps the father holding the hand of the little boy who could have been mine has no sperm. The little bundle of excitement at his knees might have been conceived in a petri dish somewhere. That made me feel a little bit better.
I'm at 11dpo. (Once again, I'm blogging in the middle of the night. It's about 4am here, so I'm technically at 12dpo, but it's still Sunday to me.) The POAS-aholic on me wants to test. The cynic in me asks why I'd bother wasting a 10 dollar stick. Just wait and see if I'm late, which I won't be, and then I'll be happy I didn't waste the stick.
I've bargained with myself that if my temp is somewhere in the neighborhood of 98 in the morning, I'll test. Of course, it started that if it was above 98. Then if it was 98 or above. Then well, if it's like 97.9. Now I'm down to somewhere in the neighborhood. We'll see how I feel in the morning.
My temp was above 98 yesterday and I got all excited for a minute. Got up and plugged it into Ovusoft right away and went back to obsess over my previous charts- both negative and my one positive. Turns out I almost always have a mild spike about 10dpo. It wasn't newsworthy after all. And it was back down to just a normal post-O temp today. Though I did wake up with the covers half kicked off, so who knows. (More rationalizing.)
It's exhausting arguing with myself all the time. Does anyone else feel this way? Any given minute goes something like this:
Was that a twinge?
Oh. Wait. Gas.
My boobs are a little tender.
Stop Trish, your boobs always hurt.
Yeah, but they really hurt.
Yeah, shithead, you're on fertility meds. Of course they hurt. They hurt when you weren't pumping yourself full of drugs.
Oh wait, that's a cramp. Definitely a cramp.
Maybe it's gas.
Hmm. Doesn't seem to be gas.
You probably slept weird and pulled a muscle. Besides, you had cramps last month and it was pointless.
I sure am crabby. I was awfully crabby last time I was pregnant.
SHUT UP, TRISH. Jesus. Just wait for your period and if it doesn't show, take the damned test. Obsessing is getting you nowhere. STOP IT.
*praying*Dear God, please help me accept whatever is to be. Amen.
I feel totally fine. I'm NOT pregnant.
But you know, if I was pregnant, I think this time I'll tell David in some fancy way. And no one else. Well, except K. And L, of course. And the bloggers. Oh yeah, and B. But no one else. And the girls next to me at work cause they'll hear me on the phone. And my boss, cause I might need time off. But that's it.
But I'm totally fine. NOT pregnant. And it's okay.
This sucks.
Man, I'm tired.
Tired? Tired is a pregnancy symptom.
Yeah. It's also a symptom of never being able to stop TALKING TO YOURSELF.
It's constant. I really don't know how to shut it off. Perhaps I need to meditate. Yoga? A good punch to the head? I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.
And now I'm off to bed. Cause I'm tried. Which may or may not be a pregnancy symptom.
--Trish
*******Updated at 8:30am**********
Temp was high. 98.12
Got up to test. Another wasted 10 dollar stick. Totally negative. Not as upset as I thought I'd be. Not sure if that's cause I'm in denial, too asleep to let it sink in, or just so used to it that I don't notice anymore.
Oh. And BTW, in case you wonder, I didn't drink anything or pee for several hours before I went to bed. The pee was definitely strong enough.
If trying to distract yourself from anything baby or fertility related, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT! Go to the zoo on a not-blistering-hot, not-raining July afternoon.
Yep. Seemed like a good idea. Do you have any idea how many adorable children are at the zoo on an almost perfect weather Sunday? Somewhere around a billion. One particular little boy was walking in front of me and kept turning around to wave. Blonde hair, blue eyes, chubby cheeks. Yep. I could have claimed him as my own and no one would have been the wiser.
Then as we're walking towards the great ape exhibit, my husband broke my heart. "Just think, one day we'll bring our little munchkins here and tell them all about how they can't bring one home." I took a deep breath, reminded yet again how much I love him and responded, "But DAAAAAADDDDDYYYY, I want a POoooooooooonnnyyyyy." He chuckled and we went on. Just like we believed that might really happen. How perfectly normal of us.
I found myself looking around at all the people wandering around with their kids and wondering if they knew how lucky they are. I then tried to remind myself that perhaps they, too, had trouble conceiving. Perhaps the father holding the hand of the little boy who could have been mine has no sperm. The little bundle of excitement at his knees might have been conceived in a petri dish somewhere. That made me feel a little bit better.
I'm at 11dpo. (Once again, I'm blogging in the middle of the night. It's about 4am here, so I'm technically at 12dpo, but it's still Sunday to me.) The POAS-aholic on me wants to test. The cynic in me asks why I'd bother wasting a 10 dollar stick. Just wait and see if I'm late, which I won't be, and then I'll be happy I didn't waste the stick.
I've bargained with myself that if my temp is somewhere in the neighborhood of 98 in the morning, I'll test. Of course, it started that if it was above 98. Then if it was 98 or above. Then well, if it's like 97.9. Now I'm down to somewhere in the neighborhood. We'll see how I feel in the morning.
My temp was above 98 yesterday and I got all excited for a minute. Got up and plugged it into Ovusoft right away and went back to obsess over my previous charts- both negative and my one positive. Turns out I almost always have a mild spike about 10dpo. It wasn't newsworthy after all. And it was back down to just a normal post-O temp today. Though I did wake up with the covers half kicked off, so who knows. (More rationalizing.)
It's exhausting arguing with myself all the time. Does anyone else feel this way? Any given minute goes something like this:
Was that a twinge?
Oh. Wait. Gas.
My boobs are a little tender.
Stop Trish, your boobs always hurt.
Yeah, but they really hurt.
Yeah, shithead, you're on fertility meds. Of course they hurt. They hurt when you weren't pumping yourself full of drugs.
Oh wait, that's a cramp. Definitely a cramp.
Maybe it's gas.
Hmm. Doesn't seem to be gas.
You probably slept weird and pulled a muscle. Besides, you had cramps last month and it was pointless.
I sure am crabby. I was awfully crabby last time I was pregnant.
SHUT UP, TRISH. Jesus. Just wait for your period and if it doesn't show, take the damned test. Obsessing is getting you nowhere. STOP IT.
*praying*Dear God, please help me accept whatever is to be. Amen.
I feel totally fine. I'm NOT pregnant.
But you know, if I was pregnant, I think this time I'll tell David in some fancy way. And no one else. Well, except K. And L, of course. And the bloggers. Oh yeah, and B. But no one else. And the girls next to me at work cause they'll hear me on the phone. And my boss, cause I might need time off. But that's it.
But I'm totally fine. NOT pregnant. And it's okay.
This sucks.
Man, I'm tired.
Tired? Tired is a pregnancy symptom.
Yeah. It's also a symptom of never being able to stop TALKING TO YOURSELF.
It's constant. I really don't know how to shut it off. Perhaps I need to meditate. Yoga? A good punch to the head? I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.
And now I'm off to bed. Cause I'm tried. Which may or may not be a pregnancy symptom.
--Trish
*******Updated at 8:30am**********
Temp was high. 98.12
Got up to test. Another wasted 10 dollar stick. Totally negative. Not as upset as I thought I'd be. Not sure if that's cause I'm in denial, too asleep to let it sink in, or just so used to it that I don't notice anymore.
Oh. And BTW, in case you wonder, I didn't drink anything or pee for several hours before I went to bed. The pee was definitely strong enough.
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