I'm it.

My first official tagging has occurred. Brooke actually tagged me several days ago, but I've been so wrapped in myself I just hadn't gotten to it.

Here we go.

8 Random Things about me.

1. My mom left when I was 2, and I was essentially raised alone by my father. He did remarry for a few years when I was young, but she was bat-shit crazy (no, seriously. She made Cinderella's step-mother look kind.) so it was really just us. My mom called when I was like 27, but turns out she was a wee bit crazy, too (though not nearly as bad as the stepmonster) so that didn't last long. I did managed to meet my half brother because of that, though. He's a nice guy.

2. I was tongue tied until my early twenties. It's a medical condition where a person's tongue attaches in the wrong spot in their mouth. The little flappy thingy under your tongue? Mine attached to the gums under my teeth. Apparently it's fairly common, usually is not attached the whole way but just a little bit in the front and is corrected (snip-snip) shortly after birth. Mine was completely attached. When I finally had it fixed, my dentist said he'd never seen one that attached before. Apparently my mother didn't want them to hurt me when I was little, so it was never done. It didn't affect my speech or anything, so it was no big deal. I just couldn't stick my tongue out. As a (sexually active) adult, that was a little annoying, so I had it fixed. Yes. It hurt. (I wonder if I'd have been a boy if she wouldn't have let them circumsize me?)

3. I met my husband online. Just in a random chatroom. I had dated boys from online before and had given it up. Too many fruit-loops out there. I was talking to him a long time. A mutual friend kept pushing me to go out with him. I kept insisting I was done with internet men. Then he asked me out & I said yes. 5 1/2 years later- here we are.

4. I can NOT sew. Not even a button. It's embarrassing. It seems simple enough, but for whatever reason, I can not get stuff to stay on. David does all our mending. Anything more complicated gets fixed by my MIL. Usually I just opt to buy something new. I can crochet, I'm fairly crafty, but sewing- Nope.

5. I make things leak. I know you think I'm exaggerating, but it's true. I have issues with water. Every car I've ever owned (except this one- YET) has had problems with the windshield washers. Either the lines break, or the wipers are possessed. Pipes in my house break. Even containers of liquid explode. It's like a weird mod-squad power. My best friend laughs at me. One time she was over and water started pouring out from under the sink. (A pipe screw thing had come loose.) He response was "Gee, I'm so surprised YOU have something LEAKING." One of the big reasons I built a new house was to not have to deal with crappy pipes. Within three months, my water basement was leaking (yes, they fixed it.)

6. If I wasn't married to a much more reasonable man, I'd have a whole house full of animals. I know you're thinking that I already do- 3 cats & a dog is plenty, but it would be worse. I'd have at least another dog. I've always been like this. As a little kid, I couldn't see anything hurt. I once got bit by a goose. My grandma chased it off with a broom and I sobbed for her not to hurt it.

7. My boobs are two different sizes. Like- drastically different. It's gotten worse after each of my pregnancies. Currently ol' right is in the neighborhood of a DD, and lefty is more like a G. This makes bra shopping difficult. Right now, I'm splitting the difference and wearing a DDD. But lefty is spilling over a good bit.

8. I really want to be a massage therapist. It was what I wanted to do when I was still in school, but no one took me seriously. My dad paid for most of my college (what wasn't covered in grants etc) and wouldn't pay for MT school, so I ended up with THREE associates degrees. It's a long story how it ended up that way, and the 3rd was actually an accident. (Literally- when I applied for graduation, the registrar called & asked me if I knew I had enough credits for a 3rd degree and asked if I wanted it. I, of course, said yes.) In our dream world, we have a couple of babies, and when they're old enough to be in school, I'm going back to school to be a MT. I can then work part time & still be home for the kids.


That enough about me?

I sure hope so!

Now.. Who to tag?!

Baby Steps
Malloryn
Will They Have His Eyes?
JKH
Tryin' in 2007
Yoda's Mistress
Kristen
Jen


To these people-
Make a post with 8 random things about yourself. Theoretically, you're then supposed to tag 8 more people, but I gotta say, that's a lotta work! Perhaps you could tag a few.

14dpo & counting

I don't know what the hell is going on. I have now peed on $40 worth of sticks. They all concur that I am NOT pregnant.

Where is my period?

I have a consistent 13 day LP. I should have started yesterday. Not so much as a pink spot.

I know I ovulated. Not only did we trigger with Ovidrel, my progesterone was over 20.

My biggest fear this morning is that I was pregnant but my level so low that I'm doomed to miscarry again. I don't think I'm pregnant. I use FRERs. That would measure an hcg of 20.

I guess I'll call the doctor in the morning.

I am so frustrated!


--Trish, the girl with the fucked up body.


**updated about 10 seconds after I posted this. Okay, maybe more like an hour, but still.***
AF is here. I actually said "FINALLY!" aloud in the bathroom. Funny how 5 years ago I wouldn't have even noticed.

IUI#5 12 dpo BFN

An unsurprising, yet exceptionally disappointing BFN this morning.


--Trish

Nothing to report

Let's have a Mind Fetus symptom check.












Okay. That was fun. Seriously, I can't remember a less symptomatic cycle in the last 2+ years. My boobs don't even hurt. That's unheard of even for a non-medicated cycle.

Perhaps it's my body's way of saying "You let us down with that 500,000 motile sperm. Why should we even bother?"

I plan to POAS in the morning. Not because I have the faintest inkling that it might be positive. I've just decided that I'm testing every 12dpo so that when I DO get pregnant again I can judge if I had a positive or negative at 12dpo and if my beta started out better than it did the 1st two times now that my giant septum is gone.

Not that it matters, it's just one of those curiosity things.

I haven't been in a good place emotionally. All of this is really weighing on me. It's also breeding resentment in my marriage.

I feel like I'm bearing the brunt of everything. It's not just fertility stuff, but that's the most important part.

His sperm count is so low it's ridiculous. There are very, very few things he can do to improve that, and even those, he seems unwilling to do. He SAYS he will, but he doesn't. He hasn't done anything to try to lose weight. Nothing.

I am the one who takes the pills & shots, makes the appointments, gets the dildo cam, has a catheter rammed up into my uterus one a month.

He's expected to lose some weight- at least not gain- and show up once a month & have an orgasm.

I realize jerking off into a cup in the midst of a noisy hospital setting isn't ideal. I can't imagine trying to have an orgasm in those surroundings. But in the grand scheme of things, well, call me a bitch, but give me a break.

I'm just really frustrated. I know losing weight isn't easy. I've been struggling for my whole life. But it almost seems like he's doing things just to spite me. It's a family tradition to get pizza from the best pizza place in the world before T-day & Christmas.

David and I had dinner before we drove to my family's place- a full dinner- a dinner in which he ate his entire meal & a good portion of mine. When we got to my family's place, he proceeded to eat no less than 5 pieces of pizza. After 3, I closed the box. My subtle way of saying "enough." He opened the box and took another. I closed the box again. He took yet another.

I don't want to be a nag. I don't. If someone commented on my portion control, I would probably come unglued. But his issues directly affect our outcomes. I don't know how he can look me in the eye knowing he's doing nothing to help us.

I'm doing what I can. Tonight I made a lighter dinner and purposely made leftovers. I packaged them individually so that he can heat them up easily. I haven't said anything to him since the IUI. The box-closing is the closest I've come. I don't want to make him defensive, but I honestly don't know what else to do.

Because of this, I've decided to go ahead and cycle in December. We had discussed not trying so that we could give him time to make some changes & hopefully see improvement. Since that clearly isn't going to happen, all I can do is cross my fingers that we get a good batch next month. And if we don't, we may just have to move on to IVF w/ICSI.

I don't want to. I really don't. But I don't know that we may have a choice. 500,000 motile sperm just isn't going to get us anywhere. Yes, I know there are people who have had miracles. My RE's nurse told me that her secretary conceived under such circumstances. But realistically, we all know it's seriously unlikely.

I'm just trying to embrace my path.


--Trish

Random burst of anger.

Insomnia continues (story of my life.)

In my quest to entertain my brain, I wandered through a message board, saw a ticker for someone's baby who is about the same age my first should be and my brain said "OH FUCK YOU."


So rational.


I'm going to go lay in bed & try to calm my adrenaline.



--Trish